The 10 Black People You’ll Only Find On The Internet » VSB

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The 10 Black People You’ll Only Find On The Internet

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There are people on the internet. Billions and shit. And, if you spend enough time on the internet, you will meet enough people to discover distinct personality types. Most of these people are the type of people you know offline. And, even if you don’t personally know them, you’re aware of their existence. But, everyone once in a while, you’ll find a certain type of person you had no idea even existed until you got online. These are not “people on the internet.” These are “internet people.”

And if you frequent the Black blogosphere and/or friend/follow Black people on social media, you will encounter many different types of Black internet people. Although there are (at least) a couple dozen, today I’m contractually obligated to only name 10.

1. The “I thought I was the only Black person who…” Black Person

Sometimes the shit they say gives away what they really think about Black people. (“I thought I was the only Black person who likes to do math problems!“)

Sometimes it’s so aggressively mundane you wonder if they’ve ever actually met another Black person in their lives. (“I thought I was the only Black person who shops at Macy’s!”)

And sometimes it’s so fucking weird they’re probably right. (“I thought I was the only Black person who enjoyed watching Sumo wrestling videos on YouTube with popcorn in my panties!“)

2.  The “I’m too eclectic/strange/unique/creative to really get along with other Black people” Black Person

And by “too eclectic/strange/unique/creative” they really mean “too much of an insufferable asshole.

3. The “Since you’re not willing to give unconditional support to another Black person, you must secretly be working for White people” Black Person.

Actually, these people exist offline as well. I just never actually meet them because they’re either in prison or working for Clay Davis.

4. The “I’ll date literally anything — a Martian, a White corpse, a chainlink fence — but a Black person” Black Person

I’ve always wondered for those who claim to have completely divested from the Black community, if this divestment extends to their existing families. Or the Black children they’re planning to create with their non-Black spouses. And if they will encourage their Black children to also date literally anything but a Black person.

5. The “cousin you’ve never actually met before but has friended you on Facebook and invites you to play Candy Crush four times a day” Black Person

(Is often the exact same person as number #6)

6. The “person who is on the internet even though they’re still not quite sure how the internet actually works” Black Person

(And number #7)

7. The “cousin” who says they’re related to you even though you’ve never met them offline or even heard another family member bring up their name” Black Person

You give them the benefit of the doubt. Because, well, grandpapa was a rolling stone and you might actually have 17,000 third cousins. But, a part of you always kinda suspects they’re either an ex-girlfriend with a fake profile trying to Catfish you or a part of COINTELPRO.

8. The “How is it possible to send 2,000 tweets a day and have, like, an actual job?” Black Person

I will never not be convinced these people live near event horizons and gravitational time dilation somehow gives their days 22 extra hours.

9. The “I’ve never watched The Wire” Black Person

Every sBlack person I know offline has seen this show. I’m sure of this because, if I meet one who hasn’t, I make them watch it with me. Seriously, if you know me, there’s at least a 12% chance we met because I overheard you say “I’ve never actually seen The Wire” and I invited you over to change that. Can’t allow people to go through life without knowing about Bodie Broadus.

10. Kevin Gates

Just because I refuse to believe he exists in real life.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • BreezyX2

    *sigh*

    Damon: I have attempted in this past 3 years and more recently past 2 weeks alone to watch the Wire. Its on HBOGO so I figured why not. The first time I fell asleep 30 minutes or so into Season 1 Episode 1. The second time I watched beginning at Season 4 and actually made it 3 episodes in. Even after those 3 episodes, EYE.DO.NOT.GET.IT.

    Y’all can have it.

    • Aly

      I tried to watch it, too. Twice! I’m not sure why I couldn’t get into it.

      • BreezyX2

        We ain’t bout dat life Aly.

      • Andrea

        I think it is just Harder to watch it now. In 2015. I look back at some movies that I thought were so fast and action-packed in 1998. And now they are so Slooowwww. It took so much patience to sit through 2 seasons. I really would be thinking. “Can you guys talk faster?” Or was trying to see if there was a way to speed it up so I could still follow but it wouldn’t be sooo long.

        • BreezyX2

          Andrea: Have you seen House of Cards?

          • Andrea

            Yes! I love it. Found it wayyyyy easier to watch than the Wire. I Love House of Cards!

        • Epsilonicus

          Season 2 is prolly one of the most important seasons for the arc of the story though. Push through it

        • Aly

          Yup. Some shows and movies just don’t age well. I’m not sure if ‘The Wire’ falls into that category, but it’s def a possibility.

    • LadyIbaka

      Lissen, I pledge my allegiance to Idrissa tha god, but this Wire, isn’t for me and our future chirrens.

  • Hi! My name is IsitFridayyet? and I here representing the #9s.

    • miss t-lee

      I’m a 9 too. At this point, I may never watch.

    • Count me in as well- don’t really see what the big deal is with that show.

    • Lea Thrace

      #9’s stand up!

    • MsSula

      My husband almost wanted to put this in our vows: “And you promise to watch The Wire”. Listen, I am a #9 and it is looking like I may remain a #9 because where will I ever find the time??? Thinking about it makes me twitch. Loll.

  • Rachmo

    I call #1!

    • *Raises hand and sighs*

      I guess I’m number 1, I suppose…

    • afronica

      Scootch over, make room on the bench.

  • Aly

    I was snickering until I got to number 9 and then I was like, oh damn that’s me.

    This one though:

    The “I’m too eclectic/strange/unique/creative to really get along with other Black people” Black Person

    …has to be the most annoying.

    • camilleblu

      yeah…seems to be a lot of those that roll thru here with that proclamation -_-

      • Aly

        Girl, yes.

      • Rachmo

        You just don’t understand me. *Goes off to listen to artist you’ve never heard of*

        • *cues “Throwin’ Shade” by Buckshot & 9th Wonder*

      • SororSalsa

        Champ….saying it so we don’t have to.

    • *shots fired at (censored)?*

      • :::shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:::

        • I no say nothing

          *Muttley snicker*

          • BreezyX2

            PA is this you?!?

            • Fock!!!!! I tried going by my real name and I’m still found out! Drats!

              *stomps off*

              • BreezyX2

                Ha!

              • Rachmo

                Muttley snicker gives you away bro

                • BreezyX2

                  EVERY.DAMB.TIME.

                • I’m going to use another phrase- next time I post, I’m going to speak in Pig Latin…dammit!

                • afronica

                  Muttley snicker + crate dug music references = who do you think yer foolin’?

              • your old name is still in the URL for this account, so it wasn’t so hard…

                • Oh, so there’s a spy here on VSB huh? I SEE YOU DARA!!!!

                  • smarter than your average bird!

              • Aly

                I don’t know why some of y’all insist on changing your names. You, Sahel, Chameleonic. We know it’s you guys! You’re not fooling anyone.

                • BreezyX2

                  Yo! You peep Chamelonic too?!?!

                  • I thought I was the only one who thought she had come back under a new name yet retaining same habits of picking fights for no damn reason.

                    • BreezyX2

                      GURL!!!!!! Lissen. You are not alone.

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      chile

                    • Rachmo
                    • BreezyX2

                      #Twinsies

                    • camilleblu

                      lolol…smh

                    • camilleblu

                      *sings*

                      karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-cha-me-le-onic….she comes and goes…she comes and goooo-o-o-oes!

                    • Rachmo
                    • Aly

                      *hums along*

                    • BreezyX2
                    • She’s not the only person here that picks fights for no reason, to be honest…not saying any names though…

                      She just happened to be the one to get caught out there.

                    • Sahel

                      Names Mr Harold,we want names

                    • I’ll tell you this in person- as this information is confidential. Remember Sahel, we are spies, LOL!

                    • Sahel

                      I AM NOT A SPY

                    • Val

                      Lol. You’re funny.

                    • Rachmo

                      Everyone picks fights for no reason a few times. It’s moreso the consistency and the baffling origins of the fights that made me think of Chameleonic.

                    • Here’s my issue though- why single her out when she’s not the only one guilty of doing it? I mean, I’ve seen a few on here get personal with someone just because they disagreed with someone on a philosophical level. Sure, she makes for an easy target, but she wasn’t the only one.

                    • Rachmo

                      It’s not really a singling out so much as burning so many bridges. You just wait it out a bit. You’ll get into it too.

                    • Nah, I think it’s well documented that I don’t do e-beef- not with my temper and history of violence, LOL!

                    • Rachmo

                      Bruh. I promise you. You don’t even have to have beef. The beef will find you. It can be from something as simple as asking a question or commenting on someone else’s comment. Now you yourself will have no idea that you were in said beef. The beef will be explained to you in baffling turns of phrase and your head will hurt. Then the beef will carry on to another post and you still didn’t innerstand the original beef. But trust and believe, as sure as the sun sets in the west the beef will find you.

                    • Lea Thrace

                      Perfect description.

                    • Rachmo

                      At this point the beef is comforting. It’s like the Circle of Life.

                    • Word

                    • As Rachmo said below its the baffling sources of fights. At times I have to read the convos three times wondering why the fight began or why it goes south SO FAST!

                    • Andrea

                      But you can’t have a fight of one. Whatever issue you see in her you would have to see in the others.

                    • Rachmo

                      I usually see the other person reacting in angry confusion after the fight has escalated without them knowing.

                    • I do agree that I may be biased. I have read this blog from 2010/2011 . I don’t comment regularly but I read most of the posts and comments. For some reason this particular prickly nature has stood out.

                    • Andrea

                      I look at it as a lesson for all of us. If you feel like your being provoked. Go that way ——>

                    • I know one person here that’s guilty of that. Here’s a hint- they just posted here very recently.

                    • SororSalsa

                      Shhhh….you don’t want to get called insecure.

                  • LadyIbaka

                    Sooooooooo, I wasn’t unique in my thinking?!?!?! Yap.

                • I changed my name for good reason- I am a secret spy, LOLOL!

                  • Aly

                    Haha, ok. Well you’ll always be PA to us.

                  • Rachmo

                    #Saheltaughtyou

                  • Sahel

                    Noted.

                    • Val

                      Look at you lurking. Just like a spy. Smh.

                    • Sahel

                      I have been busy,thought i would pop in and see how everyone is doing. You have both eyes back i see,Todd and PJ have been making moves all over NY.

                    • Val

                      I have a feeling you have been around before now. You know, collecting info for your dossiers.

                    • Sahel

                      Islamists have us working our tails off. No time for VSB

                    • Val

                      I C

                    • Lea Thrace

                      stay safe…

                • Val

                  You missed one.

                  • Aly

                    Really? Who?

                    • Val

                      @Aly & Breezy

                      Did you two see what I wrote?

                    • Agatha Guilluame

                      Nawl Meridian is Chameleonic.

                    • Val

                      Okay, but I’m pretty sure.

                    • Aly

                      Mmm, I think you’re mistaken on that one lol

                    • Val

                      Okay. Lol

                    • BreezyX2

                      Yeah Val. Mena is here at least 2 per week. Her name is Menajeanhightower.

                    • Val

                      Yeah, I know what her latest name was. I still think it’s her. Read her comment on PJ’s post.

                    • BreezyX2

                      Today’s post?

                    • Val

                      Yep.

                    • BreezyX2

                      *runs over*

                    • Agatha Guilluame
                  • BreezyX2

                    Starts with an A?!

                • camilleblu

                  #werd

      • Aly

        Mmmhmm, you know who I’m talking about.

        • Oh no I don’t, you will not make me take the bait Miss Aly!

    • Sarita Alexander

      me either… guess he’s gonna have to invite us over then.

    • malange

      Lol.. so did I.. I do have it DVR’d and plan on watching it some day..

    • st george doesnt exist

      too many of these muthas.

    • DoinMe

      *Slowing raises index finger and hangs head low in shame* You are not alone on #9

  • Animate

    So…what does it mean if I’m a #9?

    Shoutout to the other 9’s out there!

  • Tried to watch the wire 584538458 times, still havent made it past season two…maybe seen a few random episodes here and there but MEH.
    Also, my mom has 41 siblings (thats not a typo) so my entire social media experience is littered with #5-7. It is what it is

    • Damn! Was grandpa on his wannabe African chieftain status with all dem babies?

      • lmao nawl, grandma loved kids and effectively adopted 40 of em (she only had one biologically)

    • AlabamaAshley

      PLEASE elaborate on your mom’s siblings.

  • Val

    Lol! *pops popcorn, goes to sit in corner*

    • *snatches chair from Val and pushes her in the middle of the action*

      • Val

        Lol. Hiya, PA. I hope you’re feeling better. Nice to c ya.

        • Yeah I am- at least for now. Going to physical therapy and the gym is painful, but I need to go in order to get better.

    • Now I want some actual popcorn.

      • Val

        I know someone who might have some extra bread to offer you. :-)

        • Sahel

          She’s married

          • Val

            Huh? *wonders what bread means in Brit-speak*

    • *steals popcorn*

      • Val

        *gives Malik a bowl of popcorn, saves him from a life of crime*

  • LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    this is list awesome.
    #8 is me. but meh.
    #4 are half the BM on twitter who aren’t already married*
    *this is an extreme exaggeration for satirical purposes*

  • miss t-lee

    The #1, #2, and #3 people.
    Seriously, they all need to go in the sack with the cobra and thrown in the river.
    Shout outs to Wu Young.

    • There’s a number 3 on here, but I will not name any names…
      *whistles and walks off*

      • miss t-lee

        hahahaha. DO IT! I’m kidding…don’t do that.

        • Nah, I’ll leave them alone, but every time I see them post, they remind me of Dave Chappelle’s character Conspiracy Brother in “Undercover Brother”, LMAO!

          • miss t-lee

            Well, I think we all know you’re talking about now…lol

          • miss t-lee

            *snickers*

    • There is space in that croker sack for #4. I’ll beat on it with an ax handle for good measure.

      • Lea Thrace

        You are SUPER MEGA Country and I love it!

        • miss t-lee

          Yup. He’s one of the few folks that didn’t flinch on twitter when I said “croaker sack”…lol

      • miss t-lee

        Please do.

  • NomadaNare

    Umm…

    Shots Fired? Man Down? Code Red?

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