There are people on the internet. Billions and shit. And, if you spend enough time on the internet, you will meet enough people to discover distinct personality types. Most of these people are the type of people you know offline. And, even if you don’t personally know them, you’re aware of their existence. But, everyone once in a while, you’ll find a certain type of person you had no idea even existed until you got online. These are not “people on the internet.” These are “internet people.”
And if you frequent the Black blogosphere and/or friend/follow Black people on social media, you will encounter many different types of Black internet people. Although there are (at least) a couple dozen, today I’m contractually obligated to only name 10.
1. The “I thought I was the only Black person who…” Black Person
Sometimes the shit they say gives away what they really think about Black people. (“I thought I was the only Black person who likes to do math problems!“)
Sometimes it’s so aggressively mundane you wonder if they’ve ever actually met another Black person in their lives. (“I thought I was the only Black person who shops at Macy’s!”)
And sometimes it’s so fucking weird they’re probably right. (“I thought I was the only Black person who enjoyed watching Sumo wrestling videos on YouTube with popcorn in my panties!“)
2. The “I’m too eclectic/strange/unique/creative to really get along with other Black people” Black Person
And by “too eclectic/strange/unique/creative” they really mean “too much of an insufferable asshole.”
3. The “Since you’re not willing to give unconditional support to another Black person, you must secretly be working for White people” Black Person.
Actually, these people exist offline as well. I just never actually meet them because they’re either in prison or working for Clay Davis.
4. The “I’ll date literally anything — a Martian, a White corpse, a chainlink fence — but a Black person” Black Person
I’ve always wondered for those who claim to have completely divested from the Black community, if this divestment extends to their existing families. Or the Black children they’re planning to create with their non-Black spouses. And if they will encourage their Black children to also date literally anything but a Black person.
5. The “cousin you’ve never actually met before but has friended you on Facebook and invites you to play Candy Crush four times a day” Black Person
(Is often the exact same person as number #6)
6. The “person who is on the internet even though they’re still not quite sure how the internet actually works” Black Person
(And number #7)
7. The “cousin” who says they’re related to you even though you’ve never met them offline or even heard another family member bring up their name” Black Person
You give them the benefit of the doubt. Because, well, grandpapa was a rolling stone and you might actually have 17,000 third cousins. But, a part of you always kinda suspects they’re either an ex-girlfriend with a fake profile trying to Catfish you or a part of COINTELPRO.
8. The “How is it possible to send 2,000 tweets a day and have, like, an actual job?” Black Person
I will never not be convinced these people live near event horizons and gravitational time dilation somehow gives their days 22 extra hours.
9. The “I’ve never watched The Wire” Black Person
Every sBlack person I know offline has seen this show. I’m sure of this because, if I meet one who hasn’t, I make them watch it with me. Seriously, if you know me, there’s at least a 12% chance we met because I overheard you say “I’ve never actually seen The Wire” and I invited you over to change that. Can’t allow people to go through life without knowing about Bodie Broadus.
10. Kevin Gates