After devoting yesterday to the 10 worst types of sex, I figured we should end week on a positive note.
Hakuna Matata Sex
While the rest of the world worries about chlamydia, keyed trucks, unrequited feelings, unintentionally knocking up Waffle House waitresses, uncut penises, unauthorized anus entry, uncool post-coital noises, and unleashed predicate felon baby daddies, it’s great to be with someone who you can just, well, f*ck without any of the nonsense that occasionally comes with it.
Pleasant Surprise Sex
So, after your 5th somewhat decent date together, you both know that sex is pretty much a forgone conclusion. And, while you definitely like each other enough, the impending sex is more of a formality than a result of any type of lasciviousness or passion.
But then, well, then you find out she’s a squirter, and the game completely changes.
I agree that the best part about waking up is Folger’s in my cup, but only if by “Folger’s” they mean “p*ssy” and by “in my cup,” they mean “on my beard.”
“Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex
One of my personal favorites, “Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex occurs when you’re lazily laying in bed reading or on the couch watching TV and an innocent touch on the hip turns into a rub, the hip rub turns into a booty rub, the booty rub turns into a slow grind, and before you know it you’re making the beast with two backs.
Territory Marking Sex
Although we’ve evolved quite a bit in the past 100,000 or so years, occasionally there are times when we do unquestionably animalistic things. One of these things occur when your significant other is going clubbing with her girls or to a bachelor party at a strip club or to have brunch with an old “friend” from college — basically anywhere where a real or perceived “threat” might be in the picture — and you make sure to smile, tell them to have a good time, and give them the f*cking of their life before you send them on their way; leaving your scent and a feeling of “Damn. F*ck this wack party. I need to get back home and get me some more” on them for the rest of the night
While sneaky sex comes in many forms, my personal favorite is the “Shhhh! We need to be quiet.” variety, which produces so many muffled moans and silent shudders that you’d think you were watching the world’s first and only silent movie p*rno.
In Love and Sh*t Sex
When this happens, time stops, doves fly, kittens purr, puppies do cute puppy sh*t, the orgasm doesn’t matter as much as your mutual intergalactic connection, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
“Y’all Must Have Forgot!” Sex
Also known as “Nostalgic Nuts” or “Back In The Day Booty,” Y’all Must Have Forgot sex occurs when you hook up with a person from your past, a person who doesn’t take that long to remind you why you put up with their crazy-ass, ghetto Aspergers having-ass ass for so long.
Along with being one of the best types of sex, Y’all Must Have Forgot sex is also one of the most dangerous because the sex coma they put you in almost makes you forget about that time four years ago when they got mad at you for “talking to the mailman too long” and they put your middle school football trophies in the microwave.
There’s a 400 word footnote in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” espousing the virtues of Competition Sex — what happens when you can hear your neighbors having the loudest sex anyone’s ever had and you decide to have a spontaneous, “So you think you can f*ck, huh?” competition with them.
In this history of history, has anyone ever not enjoyed it when she’s riding him while still rocking a skirt and blouse and he’s stroking away while wearing a blazer and jeans with his zipper down? Seriously, if they sold “Fully-Clothed Sex” in can I’d, well, I’d be a sex can buying motherf*cker.
Anyway, people of VSB, did I miss anything? What else should have made the cut?