Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

The 10 Best Types Of Sex

After devoting yesterday to the 10 worst types of sex, I figured we should end week on a positive note.

Hakuna Matata Sex

While the rest of the world worries about chlamydia, keyed trucks, unrequited feelings, unintentionally knocking up Waffle House waitresses, uncut penises, unauthorized anus entry, uncool post-coital noises, and unleashed predicate felon baby daddies, it’s great to be with someone who you can just, well, f*ck without any of the nonsense that occasionally comes with it.

Pleasant Surprise Sex

So, after your 5th somewhat decent date together, you both know that sex is pretty much a forgone conclusion. And, while you definitely like each other enough, the impending sex is more of a formality than a result of any type of lasciviousness or passion.

But then, well, then you find out she’s a squirter, and the game completely changes.

Morning Sex

I agree that the best part about waking up is Folger’s in my cup, but only if by “Folger’s” they mean “p*ssy” and by “in my cup,” they mean “on my beard.

“Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex

One of my personal favorites, “Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex occurs when you’re lazily laying in bed reading or on the couch watching TV and an innocent touch on the hip turns into a rub, the hip rub turns into a booty rub, the booty rub turns into a slow grind, and before you know it you’re making the beast with two backs.

Territory Marking Sex

Although we’ve evolved quite a bit in the past 100,000 or so years, occasionally there are times when we do unquestionably animalistic things. One of these things occur when your significant other is going clubbing with her girls or to a bachelor party at a strip club or to have brunch with an old “friend” from college — basically anywhere where a real or perceived “threat” might be in the picture –  and you make sure to smile, tell them to have a good time, and give them the f*cking of their life before you send them on their way; leaving your scent and a feeling of “Damn. F*ck this wack party. I need to get back home and get me some more” on them for the rest of the night

Sneaky Sex

While sneaky sex comes in many forms, my personal favorite is the “Shhhh! We need to be quiet.” variety, which produces so many muffled moans and silent shudders that you’d think you were watching the world’s first and only silent movie p*rno.

In Love and Sh*t Sex

When this happens, time stops, doves fly, kittens purr, puppies do cute puppy sh*t, the orgasm doesn’t matter as much as your mutual intergalactic connection, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Y’all Must Have Forgot!” Sex

Also known as “Nostalgic Nuts” or “Back In The Day Booty,” Y’all Must Have Forgot sex occurs when you hook up with a person from your past, a person who doesn’t take that long to remind you why you put up with their crazy-ass, ghetto Aspergers having-ass ass for so long.

Along with being one of the best types of sex, Y’all Must Have Forgot sex is also one of the most dangerous because the sex coma they put you in almost makes you forget about that time four years ago when they got mad at you for “talking to the mailman too long” and they put your middle school football trophies in the microwave.

Competition Sex

There’s a 400 word footnote in “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” espousing the virtues of Competition Sex — what happens when you can hear your neighbors having the loudest sex anyone’s ever had and you decide to have a spontaneous, “So you think you can f*ck, huh?” competition with them.

Fully-Clothed Sex

In this history of history, has anyone ever not enjoyed it when she’s riding him while still rocking a skirt and blouse and he’s stroking away while wearing a blazer and jeans with his zipper down? Seriously, if they sold “Fully-Clothed Sex” in can I’d, well, I’d be a sex can buying motherf*cker.

Anyway, people of VSB, did I miss anything? What else should have made the cut?

—The Champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://kineticculture.com T.

    first?

    • Madame J

      Never mind, I’ve been resuscitated. Apparently, T. beat me to it….#bummer

      Anywho.

      “Territory Marking Sex” IS. THEE. BEST.

      And I’m glad that you left out the ever so cliche “Make Up Sex.” As much as people galavant and boast about how great it is to finally rejoin as one, and sex each other until dawn after a recent fall out, it’s really not all that it’s cracked up to be…unless youre into that Jody and Yvette kind of love. Baby Boy.

      For me, sex does not mend a broken heart.

      • WayUPThere

        or that Sammi and Ronnie sh*t. Yeah I just went Jersey Shore on it…and sh*t.

        • Mo-VSS

          I watched that mess w/Sammie and Ronnie cuz my sis likes JS ans I was staying w/her when I went home this past weekend. Yo…they are crazy! Train-wreck, Lthey gonna have a kid and go war of the roses” type crazy.

      • Yoles

        oh but that Jody and Yvette BabyBoy coitus is the stuff of legends…
        one minute its i hate you, leave me alone, don’t talk to me, i should have given your friend my number the next minute its oh, wait what are you doing, don’t touch me, moan-moan, oh don’t stop, what are you doing, i love you, moan, groan, sigh scream orgasm
        the end

        • NeiJay

          LMBO @ THIS!!!!!

      • Meekoz

        Sex may not mend a broken heart but it sure can temporarily put it together like duct tape! We know we try to fix everything with grey duct tape.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “And I’m glad that you left out the ever so cliche “Make Up Sex.”

        i figured “morning sex” filled my cliche quota for the day

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        LOL What you mean? That Whitney and Bobby sh*t is great. It adds SPICE. I’ll argue over socks just so he can give it to me OLE D B ooh baby I like it raw style.

      • Sasi Quaia

        I guess that “make up sex” is not to be done over a broken heart. Now, all other brokeness “make up sex” should be applied and is definitley all that it’s made up to be……if i’m made UNmad by his initiative to apologize in the act of “make up sex,” then mission is certain to be accomplished.

        • Carmen

          Not sure, but I think “this is my pus*y” sex falls under make up sex. Either way… It’s great.

    • Bigant

      What about the “Don’t run from me sex.” That’s the one that starts out very slow and intimate with intense passion as you stir it like coffee until she creams and you add sugar. Then you pick up the pace with very deep beat the pussy up thrust until she starts scooting away off the couch, the side of the bed or if on the floor after trying to catch her your knee start feeling hot!!!

  • Madame J

    *faints*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      get up

      • Chelz the Troublemaker

        *dead*

        It such a simple response…yet hilarious all in the same. Idk…it just cracked me up this mawnin!

        • keisha brown

          me too. esp champs reply

        • Sadé

          LMAO same.

      • http://www.depthsoffemininity.blogspot.com Madame J

        Oh, Champ! There’s nothing like tough love. *pops back up onto two feet (70s breakdance style) and brushes self off*

        I’m OK!

  • Mr. Gundam

    Great list, I think Pleasant Surprise Sex should come with this picture

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_VGsreexPmwc/TORwktdA1VI/AAAAAAAABVo/i1H_Hhs9OOQ/s1600/voyeur.jpg

    Happy Friday everybody!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      the second picture is the best one

    • Sasi Quaia

      HILARIOUS!!

  • http://kineticculture.com T.

    YES! *pelvic thrust* I WONNNNNNNNN!

    • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

      uhhhhhhh nope, looks like you’re a loser.

      • http://kineticculture.com T.

        #FRY

        where is the confetti? the parade? the glitz? the glamour? *lurks back to shadows*

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          lurk back to deez

          • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

            exactly this

  • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

    Unfortunately, I’m more knowledgeable about yesterday’s topic *Deep sigh* *sadly, not that kind of deep sigh*

    • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

      That makes the two of us.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      hopefully VSB day can fix that for both of you

      • http://www.twitter.com/alanatoolie Alana

        Nice Plug…It worked!

        *still waiting for my effen book* Damn blizzard!

        • naturalista88

          I too, am waiting for my book. Mother Nature can be a real b*tch sometimes >=-(

      • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

        Only if it comes to Indianapolis.

  • P.

    I was going to make a serious comment, but then I finished reading and realized that until tonight, I could’ve gone the rest of my life without remembering that “Y’all Must Have Forgot” even existed.

    • Yoles

      unfortunately for me ?… i have never experienced the “Y’all Must Have Forgot”… sadly i have only encountered “This isn’t as good as i remembered” whomp whomp ? ? ? ?

      • j.ivy

        lmbo!!!!!!!!! I’ve got someone on the “y’all musta forgot” list, but fearful that if it should ever go down it would be “this aint as good as I remember” and that would just be a waste of cookies.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I could’ve gone the rest of my life without remembering that “Y’all Must Have Forgot” even existed.”

      the image of roy jones on a yacht doesn’t do anything for you?

    • MzPW

      Y’know….i had that ‘y’all musta forgot’ kind of love a few months back…..

      Kinda made me remember why I forgot in the first place. =/

  • http://kineticculture.com T.

    is nobody else geek’d that im first? where is the confetti crew? 0_o #anticlimactic

    • Anastasia!!!

      Yeh boo boo,

      We stop playing that game awhile ago – that’s why there’s no confetti :-/

      But here’s some just because:::

      ********VSB GLITTER*********

    • legitimate_soul

      *cues music for T. and brings out the libations for old time’s sake*

      • keisha brown

        old time sake. WICKED TUNE!

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

    LMAO!!!!! hilarious but valid list.

    good job, Champie!

    happy friday/weekend everyone!!!!! and remember…. UH HUH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS—#BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW

    • legitimate_soul

      Looking forward to Sunday, too!

      • Leonie UK

        Cheesehead all day,come on Sunday ;-)

        A whole day of good football and padded rugby and both my teams are gonna win.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “happy friday/weekend everyone!!!!! and remember…. UH HUH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS—#BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW #BLACKANDYELLOW”

      you know what’s funny? i’m not as geeked for this super bowl as i usually am. I guess 3 games in 6 years will do that to you

      • BKSweetheart

        Haha Champ, I feel the same way!! I’m excited but more like that everyone knows the steelers are the f*cking greatest of all time, so even if GB wins, we’re still the f*cking greatest, end of story, goodnight! kind of excited

        • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

          wow. i totally co-sign this statement even though EYE am excited!!!

          i love when the Stillers go to the SB because it makes Pittsburgh a much funner/nicer/friendlier place to live during the harsh, cold, dark snowy winter. morale is through the roof and i love it!!!! makes me feel great…. when Pitt loses??? its a wrap, all hope is lost until April *shrugs*

          • BKSweetheart

            Yes girl I made the trip down there from NY when we went to the SB in ’06 and the morale and excitement in the city was amazing! I lived there my whole life and I’d never seen the entire city so united and energized!

            Other people just don’t understand the Steeler culture in Pitt, it’s a way of life! It’s in our blood!

            Plus NY is not really a football city anyway.. even when the Giants went to the SB and won a few years back, there was nowhere NEAR the same energy leading up to it. And afterwards, yeah, they had the little parade, but then its like “OK next….”

            #GOSTEELERS
            #BLACKANDYELLOWBLACKANDYELLOW

      • Mimi

        I don’t why (maybe it’s because I am a Packers fan), but the Steelers remind me of the Iceland hockey team from “The Mighty Ducks 2″ movie.

        Yeah, I had brought up that old a$$ movie…

        • Leonie UK

          he he he I need to wear a duck mask and point at the offending team.

          I hate that Lil wyane made a song to my team, fail on many counts. We don’t want your input you rich scrub

          • http://thegoodoleboys.net Soundwave803

            brought back the flying v memories:)

  • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

    Yes, but pleasant surprise sex is really more for me. We are never surprised by you trying to get in our pants. We expect you to do whatever you can to get some. Y’all are surprised when we open the door naked.

    I think men are more surprised by unexpected bj’s. Cause sex is at least a mutual favor. But “i just like you so much imma do this for you” bj’s are a whole ‘nother thing.

    • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

      I meant men* (not me) in that first sentence :-D

    • http://Betroit.wordpress.com Betroit

      “I think men are more surprised by unexpected bj’s. Cause sex is at least a mutual favor. But “i just like you so much imma do this for you” bj’s are a whole ‘nother thing.”

      Truer words have never been spoken!

      • Madame J

        *don’t shoot*… but um, what’s bjs?

        • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

          Oral sex on a man. Classically known as Fellatio. BJ is the colloquial expression.

        • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

          Madame J
          *don’t shoot*… but um, what’s bjs?

          I am going to assume you are:
          -from a country where that expression where this is not used
          -under 18
          - a nun

          • Madame J

            Listen dammit…I said, “don’t shoot”…lol

            But I disdain all of the above assumptions and have never heard of this expression in my life.

            On VSB…there’s a first time for everything.

            • naijaborn

              bj is such a colloquial term. 2nd graders in Oakland (not pittsburgh) were giving each other some a couple weeks ago. Assumptions will be made when someone says they don’t know ;)

    • Lina

      woke my friend up this morning w/ a bj. i think he knew i was up to something, but didn’t know what until it started. def got him riled up and almost late for work lol

      • http://Betroit.wordpress.com Betroit

        I think every man’s dream is “breakfast and head”. My boy once called off just to bask in the glory of the orgasm he received (and because she had off and he wanted seconds)

        • whykendra

          who started that sick ‘breakfast in bed’ rumor??

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Yes, but pleasant surprise sex is really more for me. We are never surprised by you trying to get in our pants. We expect you to do whatever you can to get some. Y’all are surprised when we open the door naked.

      I think men are more surprised by unexpected bj’s. Cause sex is at least a mutual favor. But “i just like you so much imma do this for you” bj’s are a whole ‘nother thing.”

      i think i might be able to agree with this statement

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      I agree. It’s all about surprises and I love the throw one in when I can. It makes it more fun.

  • Rog

    “Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex

    One of my personal favorites, “Wait. Are We Having Sex?” Sex occurs when you’re lazily laying in bed reading or on the couch watching TV or in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room and an innocent touch on the hip turns into a rub, the hip rub turns into a booty rub, the booty rub turns into a slow grind, and before you know it you’re inside of her.”

    Sounds like the beginning of an erectile dysfunction commercial except without the dysfunctioning part.

    • what lola wants

      YES!!!! LOL! Happened to me once when I was simply hanging at the crib with a good male friend of 10+ years (had never been intimate all that time). Was quite shocked that it happened but the “Wait. Are We Having Sex” Sex turned into “Pleasant Surprise” Sex. :-)

      • naijaborn

        seriously, who doesn’t like when a back rub turns into a front rub. . .

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “seriously, who doesn’t like when a back rub turns into a front rub. .”

          dolphins

          • naijaborn

            I don’t want to know how you are able to answer this question.

    • http://www.alovelydai.com Alovelydai

      Sounds like a serious game of twister.

    • j.ivy

      better have that cialis!