The 10 Best Things About Sex That Have Nothing To Do With The Actual Sex » VSB

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The 10 Best Things About Sex That Have Nothing To Do With The Actual Sex

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Watching Olivia “Puddles” Pope get all hot and bothered while Fitz was teasing her on the phone last night on Scandal made me think of two things:

A) Good thing she’s not wearing white pants today.

B) There are many great things about intimacy and sex that don’t involve the actual physical act of having sex.

Here’s 10.

1. The moment right before you’re about to sleep with someone for the first time when there’s absolutely no doubt you’re about to sleep with them for the first time

There’s no other time you’ll get that same combination of excitement, arousal, anxiety, and fear. Maybe if you try heroin, but sex seems a little less criminal.

2. The bedroom humor

Obviously, pulling out your best full Louis C.K. monologue isn’t appropriate (Well, has never been appropriate for me, but I don’t know what happens in your bedrooms and shit), but if you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis and you actually like them, sex won’t just be sexual. It’ll be fun too.

3. The look of recognition you share with a person you’re sleeping with on the low when you happen to see each other in public

Bonus points if the look only lasts for .7 seconds. And extra bonus points if you happen to be around a bunch of people you both know.

4. The conversation afterward

Not immediately afterwards, cause who feels like having a fucking conversation directly after 40 minutes of the beast with two backs? But, after you’ve caught your breath or cleaned up or put away the sowing kit or whatever it is you need to do after sex, those post-coital conversations can be gems.

5. The bathroom mirror flexing

“Flexing” could be “slightly dancing” or “humming the words to Wu-Tang’s “Triumph” or whatever it is you do when you’ve had a particularly good session, and you see yourself in the bathroom mirror while cleaning up.

6. The start of the process

Maybe it’s a text message saying “Hey.” (Man, the “Hey” text has led to more questionable decisions than MD 20/20.) Maybe it’s a kiss on the back of the neck. Maybe it’s just a simple and subtle raise of the eyebrows. And maybe it’s just Tuesday. Either way, after you’ve been intimate with someone a few times, you start to develop patterns – things that aren’t explicitly sexual that you always do to start the process of sleeping with each other.

7. The post-coital meal together

Because bacon and eggs taste 7% better when eaten with a bathrobe.

8. The mid-day unexpected memory

There are people reading this right now who just zoned out for fifteen seconds thinking about something that happened at 11:53 last night.

9. The bullshit

The “bullshit” is that period of time that occurs when you’ve recently arrived at someone’s place for the sole purpose of sex having, but you don’t immediately do it because…immediately doing it might look bad. Or something like that. Sometimes the “bullshit” is a conversation about work that neither of you have any interest in. Sometimes it’s a movie neither of you want to watch. And, for married people, the “bullshit” is marriage. Either way, the bullshit occurs to keep the shit after the bullshit (somewhat) respectable.

10. The first time you do mundane things around each other while barely clothed (or naked)

If you’re not sleeping with someone, there’s absolutely no reason to be naked while they’re there and you’re on your couch, talking to your accountant. But, if you’ve already been intimate, there’s absolutely no reason to put your clothes back on if they’re there and you need to call your accountant.

Unless, of course, it’s a Skype conversation.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Ashley

    I really really love all 10 of these things… and really really need someone to do them with..lol. Great post

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      Noted

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Its Friday afternoon. You’ve got time to have a few options by tonight. Hop to it.

      • Neptunes presents The Clones

        And its the holiday season so she wont lack candidates

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Cuffing season! You’re right. Even the neighborhood Chupracabra gets a cuddle buddy during this time.

          • IcePrincess

            Looool you are wrong for dat

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Tell me I’m lying!

    • “and really really need someone to do them with..lol. ”

      Ditto.

  • Guest

    grammar police alert: #10- ‘they’re THERE’ (twice)

    • Imoteda

      they are there- they’re there. I’m confused. What did he do wrong?

      • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

        Right, I was like… but is he wrong, tho. In fact, using often-wrongly-used words right after each other correctly deserves a Pulitzer. Or at least a hand clap. Clap for him.

        • Imoteda

          Considering @panamajackson:disqus just confessed to editing it I think we can withdraw the slow clap. Though he gets a finger snap for writing this text-the-devil-ex loneliness inspiring article

          *scrolls through phone*

      • panamajackson

        Our edit quickly game is real.

        • Imoteda

          LOL! Now y’all have this poor guest on here looking like a dang fool. lol

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    I dunno Champ. MD 20/20 is to bad choices as Lebron James is to Bosley and Rogaine. They just go hand in hand.

    Might I add something to your list though?

    11) That free flow moment when you’re having that mentally stimulating conversation that has you more open than every hallway in the Empire State Building, and then you say something so random and off the top to get the other person even more turned on, that you’re kind of impressed with yourself.

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      Peeing with the door open

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Hmmmm….well…that’s more like relationship status rather than just hitting it status.
        Its all fine and awesome til she hits the potty and starts sounding like she recorded the sounds of Niagra Falls for 10 minutes straight.

        • IcePrincess

          It’s so funny when you try to pee immediately after secks, and it takes foreverrrr for the pee to come out! I kno this happens to both men & women.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            We need elevator music in the bathroom after secks. It would help.

  • panamajackson

    This is a good list. The “bullsh*t” is a very real thing. And was very well illustrated in the movie Brown Sugar as they drank coffee and talked about the coffee beans for the requisite few moments to pretend like they weren’t just there for the sex.

    • Meridian

      Pure hilarity. Sometimes you’ve gotta pick the silliest line of conversation just to avoid saying I want you.

    • SororSalsa

      And in love jones, when Darius told Nina he just “wanted to come in” for a minute. They couldn’t even keep a straight face.

    • Jay

      Hate when girls get really into the “bullshit” show/movie that you’re watching or the conversation you’re pretending to have and you gotta pull them back to reality like “excuse me…. you know this is only for appearances right? Can we do what we’re both here for now??”

  • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

    Puddles, tho.

  • MrsT

    As a married person, #9 is EVERYTHING.

  • OSHH

    #1 is the best esp if you love them before the sex but I enjoyed reading them all.
    After all the largest sex organ is the mind.

  • Imoteda

    LOL! This list is awesome, accurate and made me feel lonely as hell. Need to go find me someone…

  • 1, 6 and 8 though….*Rick Flair voice* Woo!

    Number 1 is good because it’s the precise moment I can turn off my emotional mind and go straight on knowledge, senses and skills. It’s when the awkward conversations end and the fun of figuring how to get a woman open begins. It never gets old, ever. Plus there’s that sigh every woman does when penetration first happens, and ONLY then…

    Number 6 is interesting, because it becomes the most random stuff. Questions like “so what’s really going on this weekend?” Or slight change in her voice. Or getting a message in a particular part of day that you know it’s down for the get-down.

    Number 8…is why I’m glad I chose a line of work involving lab coats. #factsonly LOL

  • Agatha Guilluame

    11. The play fighting/wrestling/hide and go get it. You talk big like “nucca you ain’t shyt”, he pretends to take exception to that and maybe tackles you, you pretend not to be turned on and “struggle to get away” while still strategically throwing it back at him, ya know, your a$$ into his crotch.

    12. The quiet. Where even if everything else around you is blaring and blowing up. There could be a marching band or fireworks or the speakers blaring in the car ride to the spot or the surround sound of an IMAX theater but everything between the two of you is just quiet. No conversation is necessary. No eye contact is needed because the energy and tension between you is loud as shyt.

    • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

      That quiet really is the loudest sound of all. White noise like a mug.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      #12, that’s when you make that “you gonna come when I say so” face to let them know whats up

      • miss t-lee

        Well sh*t.

    • DBoySlim

      I love the clarification on throwing it back. Hilarity.

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