The 10 Best Things About Sex That Have Nothing To Do With The Actual Sex
Watching Olivia “Puddles” Pope get all hot and bothered while Fitz was teasing her on the phone last night on Scandal made me think of two things:
A) Good thing she’s not wearing white pants today.
B) There are many great things about intimacy and sex that don’t involve the actual physical act of having sex.
1. The moment right before you’re about to sleep with someone for the first time when there’s absolutely no doubt you’re about to sleep with them for the first time
There’s no other time you’ll get that same combination of excitement, arousal, anxiety, and fear. Maybe if you try heroin, but sex seems a little less criminal.
2. The bedroom humor
Obviously, pulling out your best full Louis C.K. monologue isn’t appropriate (Well, has never been appropriate for me, but I don’t know what happens in your bedrooms and shit), but if you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis and you actually like them, sex won’t just be sexual. It’ll be fun too.
3. The look of recognition you share with a person you’re sleeping with on the low when you happen to see each other in public
Bonus points if the look only lasts for .7 seconds. And extra bonus points if you happen to be around a bunch of people you both know.
4. The conversation afterward
Not immediately afterwards, cause who feels like having a fucking conversation directly after 40 minutes of the beast with two backs? But, after you’ve caught your breath or cleaned up or put away the sowing kit or whatever it is you need to do after sex, those post-coital conversations can be gems.
5. The bathroom mirror flexing
“Flexing” could be “slightly dancing” or “humming the words to Wu-Tang’s “Triumph” or whatever it is you do when you’ve had a particularly good session, and you see yourself in the bathroom mirror while cleaning up.
6. The start of the process
Maybe it’s a text message saying “Hey.” (Man, the “Hey” text has led to more questionable decisions than MD 20/20.) Maybe it’s a kiss on the back of the neck. Maybe it’s just a simple and subtle raise of the eyebrows. And maybe it’s just Tuesday. Either way, after you’ve been intimate with someone a few times, you start to develop patterns – things that aren’t explicitly sexual that you always do to start the process of sleeping with each other.
7. The post-coital meal together
Because bacon and eggs taste 7% better when eaten with a bathrobe.
8. The mid-day unexpected memory
There are people reading this right now who just zoned out for fifteen seconds thinking about something that happened at 11:53 last night.
9. The bullshit
The “bullshit” is that period of time that occurs when you’ve recently arrived at someone’s place for the sole purpose of sex having, but you don’t immediately do it because…immediately doing it might look bad. Or something like that. Sometimes the “bullshit” is a conversation about work that neither of you have any interest in. Sometimes it’s a movie neither of you want to watch. And, for married people, the “bullshit” is marriage. Either way, the bullshit occurs to keep the shit after the bullshit (somewhat) respectable.
10. The first time you do mundane things around each other while barely clothed (or naked)
If you’re not sleeping with someone, there’s absolutely no reason to be naked while they’re there and you’re on your couch, talking to your accountant. But, if you’ve already been intimate, there’s absolutely no reason to put your clothes back on if they’re there and you need to call your accountant.
Unless, of course, it’s a Skype conversation.