That Time Getting Hit On By A Lame Dude Made Me Sympathize With Women » VSB

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That Time Getting Hit On By A Lame Dude Made Me Sympathize With Women

Alcon Entertainment

 

Once upon a time, pretty long ago, I used to manage a nightclub in Washington, D.C. At this particular nightclub, Liv (RIP), we had a rotating list of parties throughout the week. On Friday nights, we had gay night. This was always typically a good night for us for a few different reasons: 1) Gay men like to spend money (and they really like to use cash); and 2) It may have been one of the more purely entertaining nights we had at Liv. Not because gay men are naturally entertaining, which may or may not be true, but because of some of the shenanigans that occurred during said night.

For instance, there was the time that a friend of one of the bouncers showed up alleging that the manager of the club (me) had called him to come in and host, with the manager (me) standing right there having no clue on earth who he was. When pressed about who the manager (me) was that personally sought him out to host the party, he couldn’t remember his name because of course he couldn’t. He then followed up that lie with the “Hey, man, what kind of party is this, anyway? Are all the ladies inside? There’s a lot of dudes in this line. Let me go check it out if they’re inside.”

He was met with a very matter-of-fact, “It’s OK. We know why you’re here. Enjoy yourself.” Which I’m happy to report that he did. He was living his best life that night and returned on subsequent Friday evenings for more fun.

There was also the party’s first night when all of our female bartenders had to take several shots because each one of them realized that they would likely have dated more than half of the men in attendance and had no clue they were gay. Let me tell you: I’ve heard lots of women claim to have an accurate gaydar. After working this party, I can safely say that I (and the women working there) have no fucking clue what a gay man looks like. It’s for this reason that now, when people say to me things like, “You couldn’t tell he was gay?” I just say, “Nope,” because after meeting and befriending so many of the folks at this party, I really think that unless it’s painstakingly sign-on-the-forehead obvious, you don’t know until you know. Ya know?

There was the voguing and the immediate and visceral love for Ne-Yo’s “Closer.” And the fights. Oh, the fights; they were epic. There were holes in the wall and brawls. Oh, what a night.

One of the more interesting things that happened while working this party was the newfound sympathy I gained for women being approached and hit on by stanger dangers.

Look, it was a gay club and I’m cute; I fully expected to get hit on a time or two. I had no qualms about this, and being hit on by a man didn’t and doesn’t really bother me. So where did the sympathy lie?

It was the manner in which I was hit on.

Wrote a song about it; like to hear it? Here it go.

I’d like to recount for you one of the lamest attempts at holleration I personally experienced in this dancery. Mmkay? Mmkay.

As the manager of the club, I spent a lot of time behind the bar, fixing tabs and helping out when necessary. On many occasions, when the club got super packed, I’d jump behind the bar and start bartending myself. This was both a gift and a curse. It was a gift because you made tips (which I always turned over to my staff) and a curse because bartenders get hit on in the worst ways ever.

Dudes would somehow grab and hold my hands for extended periods of time while ordering shit like a Jack and Coke, which, said in the slowest manner possible, takes upward of 1.5 seconds. Nope. I had one dude order a Jack and Coke for almost 10 seconds as I awkwardly waited for him to let my hand go so I could, ya know, make his drink. Plus, it ain’t like he was Prince or somebody. To be on the safe side, I didn’t look him directly in the eyes. He did have soft hands, though.

Well, seeing as I spent a lot of time behind the bar, that’s usually where I got hit on. I had folks offering to buy me drinks that I’d get free because, ya know, management. Or ask me if we could go to another bar to talk. I always politely said that I wasn’t interested and kept it moving.

Well, one day, one particular gentleman came to me and asked me if a cellphone had been found and turned in to the bar. I looked around and said no. He left.

Five minutes later he comes back and says, “Hey, are you sure there’s no cellphone back there?” Because I’m a nice guy, I went to look again and asked the bartenders if anybody had turned in a cellphone. Again, no.

He leaves and five minutes later comes back and says, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Me: Sure, but there’s no cellphone back here.

Him: Has anybody ever hit on you by pretending that they lost a cellphone?

Me: …….

I swear, I said to him: Bro, that’s the best you have for me? You think that would work? Like, of all the game you have in your soul, you thought that would help you get my number and maybe help me want to get to know you better? I’m actually offended that you think such shitty game would work on me.

I walked away in a huff, incredulous and, yes, offended. For one, I’m worth better game than that. I’m certain of this. For B, that shit wouldn’t work on anybody; what I look like? Some random dude? I was really upset about this. He wasn’t funny. He wasn’t charming. He was lazy, if anything. I mean, come the fuck on. Have some respect for what I’m bringing to the table. For cripes sake, I’m the table.

Then it hit me. Man, this must be how women feel all the time. Some unfunny, uncharming, fair-to-middling-looking fellow decides to drop the worst game ever and expects results. I actually walked up to one of our bartenders and gave her a hug and said I’m sorry for all the lames who ever attempted to holler at her … which, for the record, did not include me.

Just like that, I became an ally in the fight against wack game. Granted, as a man, that pretty much ended once I stopped working at the club (actually, when we stopped having that party there), but I never forgot. Because #neverforget.

Ladies, I will never purport to know what you all go through, but for a few shining months, I came face-to-face with the adversary known only as “man.” And it turns out that gay men suck at game, too. I felt real feelings of “How dare he value me so little?” Which is funny because at no point did the fact that it was a man hitting on me cause me to snap back to reality. The lesson here?

The ego is real.

And ladies, I understand.

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • ElephantInTheRoom

    At least he didn’t have the audacity to get physical! If I had a dolla for every time a basic, unattractive dude with weak/lazy/no game grabbed my wrist/waist/hair/arm….

    The ones who get an attitude when their advances aren’t returned are THE. WORST. >:-/

    • Lisss

      Yup! The struggle can never fully be understood until you’ve been yelled at “b****, you weren’t that cute anyways!!!” by some ashy troll who was declaring his lame love only 5 minutes ago.

      • panamajackson

        And I’m assuming I’ll never know that struggle, b/c a fight and/or brawl would ensue after that. For one, I am that cute. For two, WHO YOU CALLIN’ A B*TCH! U-N-I-T-Y!

        • Lisss

          I aint trying to get killed in these streets. I walk away while praying they will get hit over the head with next empty bottle of Hennessy.

          • Gbadebo

            “Lawd Jayzuz…..pleaaaaaassseee let this dusty a$$ negro stay away from me for the rest of the night….
            AND if some Django-type brother feels a need to headbuss somebody…please let it be this lame right cherrrrrrrr”

            • fxd8424

              LOL!! This had me laughing and crying.

          • Mika

            Right! Like, mmmm ok, see ya!

          • Cleojonz

            Exactly because there have been too many stories in the news lately of guys that CANNOT deal with that rejection and merked a girl because of it.

            • Bushido Brown

              I could never understand how a simple rejection is worth taking someone’s life.

              • Mika

                I can guess it probably happens to them pretty often.

            • Like, what has happened? Men used to just let that ish roll and move onto the next. How has this generation of dudes become some entitled and fragile that a chick gotta DIE if she won’t give you the digits?

              • I just think it’s a generational thing period. It’s just that dudes entitlement and chick entitlement come out in different ways. This era seems more emotionally fragile overall.

                • Truth…

                  The 90’s – Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

                  The 2000’s – Words hurt people and hurt people, hurt people.

                  The more respect we showed for the power of words, the more emotionally fragile and entitled we became. Now we got people who get hurt by people saying “No”…the grass is rarely ever greener.

                • Mika

                  and there are way more platforms to air people out.

                  • WORD. I’m afraid of what would have happened if Twitter were a thing in the 80s

            • J2daT

              I do recall a story of some clownass punk who killed a girl who rejected him. Mentally unstable? Maybe. That is a fear that I always have for women. Its a totally different experience for y’all as you never know if the guy in your space is crazy, potential killer, rapist or just another guy. That has to be scarey.

        • Kosi Akosua Gyebi

          Your being that cute doesn’t stop them from declaring that you’re not. I know bc I’m also that cute.

        • au napptural

          When did you get all this self-esteem? When I last visited, you were #gurlhesa3. Gotta come here more often ;)

      • ElephantInTheRoom

        All I can think when that happens is what’s wrong with you? Who didn’t love you enough as a child?

      • ElephantInTheRoom

        Ashy trolls make me sooooooooo sad! :(

        • Mika

          Ashy salty trolls….

      • Gibbous

        Like I’m supposed to then be flattered & grateful that he deigned to lower himself enough to talk to my “un cute” self. Umm . . . no!

      • pls

        This grown man screamed that I was an ugly b-word in the middle of the food lion parking lot because I ignored his advances. Mind you I was in high school. Maybe he thought I was grown, too, but I will never forget the embarrassment in that moment. Like, what did I do to deserve this?

    • Ess Tee

      The entitlement is too real. Just last week, as I was awaiting the bus (which is a testament to how much I dislike driving that I continue to use public transportation even though I could simply drive to work), I had my earbuds in, listening to Lemonade because I was still on that high.

      This man rolled up on a bicycle and stopped in front of me, and immediately my thought was, “Not today, please.” He stayed in front of me, his lips were moving, and finally I removed my earbuds. He said, “I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful. God!” All I said was, “OK. Thanks,” then he rode off.

      That “God!” at the end of the interaction really tripped me out. In that one word, in the tone he used, it summed up just how entitled this fool thought he was to my time and space, like he was doing me some favor by complimenting me. I’m not an ugly woman, dude, so… But it also highlighted the mental calculations women have to take every day when it comes to this mess.

      • charisma_supreme

        He aint wanna just tell u that. That exasperated a$$ “God!” at the end revealed the lie. He hoped it got him something in return. Aint no Chrimah, bih.

      • Val

        Don’t you hate it when they ignore the earphones and just stand there talking to you. If you want to get my eyes rolling then that’s the way.

      • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

        These dudes are so lame. With his Napoleon Dynamite-sounding self. Ashes, ashes everywhere.

    • Asiyah

      Those people are THE WORSE. Don’t touch me!

    • It’s funny how you all of a sudden being “a stuck bitch who ain’t even that cute anyway” real quick. Oh, okay…

  • charisma_supreme

    I like that you are secure enough in your sexuality to not have hulked out in the situation. Bc some men shole hate being treated like they treat women, and react violently to it.

    • Ess Tee

      I remember almost two years ago on Twitter, Elon White turned the tables on the “I’m just tryna say ‘hi’. What’s the matter with saying ‘hi’?” dudes. Oh, it was such a “GOT EEM!” moment when he pointed out just how it might happen if these men were approached on the street by gay men the way they approach women.

      • That was a GREAT time on Twitter.

        • Ess Tee

          It was! Sooooo many dudes in their feelings.

      • I missed this. Anyone wanna spot me a link?

        • Ess Tee
          • Yeah, that’s a trip. I saw what they did there, and I’m here for it. I think it was Wild Cougar who said that a lot of men like nani, but don’t like women. Personally, I think they generally are indifferent to women more then hate, but that hashtag went in the right direction.

            • I’d say on another hand, you have to look at society in it’s context.

              America’s narcissistic, and doesn’t know it. Because the media has told them this is narcissism:

              http://images.lifeandstylemag.com/uploads/posts/image/57494/kim-kardashian-selfie.jpg
              (A millionaire TV star, who gets paid millions for exposing her life to public and makes other people millions by endorsing their products)

              When in reality, narcissism, is more like this:
              http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/images/aljazeera%20time1.jpg
              (An average person who thinks the events and happenings of the world, should be delivered in such a way he or she can relate to)

              This is our Country, and it manifests itself in everything we do, including how we are marketed and advertised to. We believe that reality should bend to our will or at least appeal to it, and like all narcissists, when the world says no to our demands, we do 1 of 2 things: either we respond with rage, or we withdraw from reality itself and reject it. That’s why I generally don’t think this kind of thing originates with a “hatred for women”; this kind of conclusion comes from not paying attention to what this country currently is as a whole, and in a sense, as a conclusion is actually kind of consistent with the narcissism trend.

              • America has this sense of not being good enough on its own. Therefore we either have to rule the world or leave it be. The American identity is fragile, and no one is sure how our swagger and confidence can be simply accepted. Truth is that I don’t know either.

                • I don’t disagree, just don’t see that as a great explanation for what we see today vs what we saw a generation ago.

            • NonyaB

              I said as much on the “Men read mean tweets” post: the reason some guys who don’t have any platonic female friends is because except for shwex, they actually don’t like women.

          • Kelly Kell

            Thank you for this! One of my favorite parts:

            “The right to approach women at any point in time no matter where they are is seen as a right by some men,” he said. “And some of these dudes lack the most basic form of empathy to understand that our desire or intent doesn’t negate what that woman might be going through. Walking to the grocery store or to go pick up your kid shouldn’t be a gauntlet that you have to gear up for.”

            You wear that gauntlet every damn day in sickness and health, good days and bad days, just got fired, moving my car at 7am to avoid street cleaning tickets, on the way to the restroom as your cup runneth over from the moment you start filling out– or sadly before if you’re prey to some pedophile– until you become irrelevant in old age. And you should be thankful at all times for this unsolicited attention, and smile. Social cues, body language, and personal space be damned.

      • charisma_supreme

        Ahhh. I am not on the Twitter! Is there a way i can read it anyways?

        • Ess Tee
          • charisma_supreme

            Thanks for the link! I too have wondered why i never hear men telling other men “smile, my n****”, but are apparently so concerned abt women’s facial expressions.

            • Or older women, or women they deem unattractive.

              • charisma_supreme

                Everytime i see u, i shout again about your cake during Lady Week victory. Hu-hup!!!

                • LMAO! Honestly, I have to say I’m super blessed that my boo is amazing like 99.99787% of the time. He cooks, cleans, does mad romantical shi t, is an awesome dad, and knows he got a good thing. I been telling chicks get them a big dude who loves to eat and it’ll change their life, but they don’t hear me lol

                  • charisma_supreme

                    Hashtag winning!

      • Heathertbernard3

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!ne48etwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !ne48e:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsGrowGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!ne48e….,

    • I’ve had a few dudes (and transwomen) offer me that work over the years. I usually make a point to be funny and self-deprecating because I know how real ish is in these streets, and how they risked their lives on that flow. It shouldn’t be that way, but dudes be wildin.

      • charisma_supreme

        Todd, i think i feel where you’re coming from, but i’d also say u shouldnt have to be funny/self-deprecating to say no. A no is just a no. I wish more folks wouldnt take the word “no” so personal.

        • -h.h.h.-

          I wish more folks wouldnt take the word “no” so personal.

          most people, from my travels, take -no- very personally; rejection is fine when we are rejecting someone or something because we know our intents/reasoning, but if we are the ones getting rejected (from hittin’ the skins, from a relationship, from a job opp) most get in their feelings about it.

          i guess time and practice allow folks to see that -no- isn’t the worst thing in the world.

          • charisma_supreme

            Mos def repeated exposure helps. A little bit of cognitive flexibility too. I guess i see life as a “choose your own adventure” book with a myriad of possibilities. And every no and every shut door is just eliminating the paths im not supposed to be going down to funnel me to my true path/purpose/calling. The “no’s” of life only assist you in getting to your “oh he|| yes”.

          • Another problem is that narcissism is pretty much rampant in our society, which is why this is a “serious” issue.

    • Ille Jay

      I heard that from the Gay Men that would hit on me in my College Days…after I rebuffed them in a mainly chill way, they would almost transition to more game, but would pause and say that they appreciated that I didn’t go ballistic on them.

      I always said the same thing, why would I get mad at them, they had good taste, I look good, but I wasn’t interested in men. That usually allowed it to end gracefully and with a chukkle.

      • LadyIbaka

        “They had good taste, I look good”
        LOL

      • Buster Cannon

        I’m usually flattered when it happens. I don’t play for that team, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel good that someone random person found me attractive lol

        • Kas

          So glad to know I’m not the only shallow @ss mo foo in this comment section.

        • Are men getting hit on my other men that much ouchea? I wasn’t even aware.

          • Buster Cannon

            I think it depends where you live. I work in downtown DC so I’m not super surprised when it happens, I’m sure dudes from places like Atlanta would say the same.

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            DC and ATL is famous for that. You need to have your head screwed on right as a straight dude before walking them skreets. In NYC as a teenager I felt a way about it, mostly because gay guys didn’t have the courtesy to fall back unless you reacted with anger. If recall more than once the first couple of time if I just brushed the dude off or politely declined, they thought I was being coy.

      • charisma_supreme

        Lol. A lot of the guy’s comments seem to reflect an appreciation for the compliment. Lemme ask this: do men not get compliments? Do men not compliment each other like women do? (You know, nice dress/hair/bag, girl! Your booty looking right today, friend! Etc)

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          You can’t be serious.
          This can’t be life

          No, no, and no

          • Gibbous

            That’s too bad. I’ve probably had more women compliment me on the shape of my waist than men, straight women too.

            • charisma_supreme

              Precisely. My sands harrass me endlessly. Lol.

          • charisma_supreme

            I was though! It was a real question. Lol. Just tryna understand why some men act like physical compliments are the best things ever and are appalled by a “meh” reaction. Maybe its bc they dont often get the same (?).

            • Brooklyn_Bruin

              Women, when they want to, make each other feel good all day. That’s the life of a woman sometimes. It has its drawbacks. Every office I’ve ever worked in has had these bizarre female cliques that only combine sometimes. If they were sharp they could not only run the organization, but make the coin too.

              on the other hand

              Men live day to day solitary existences.

              Men do not make friends as often or as easily as women. And the level of friendship needed to discuss issues that you might be vulnerable on is super high.

              When you see men talk, it’s almost always external topics. Sports, music, politics, money. Sometimes girls, but either the guy is married and useless, old and bitter, or young and doesn’t realize he’s clueless. There is a lot of role playing.

              This is the way of the world, and there are good reasons for this.

              A man that is too chatty is seen as weak, especially if he prattles on and on.

              Weakens is not tolerated from men and definitely not from women. (See down thread where you got chicks complaining about tall and skinny guys in hashtag about big men)

              But the man that learns to be social…everything about his miserable life becomes great.

              Of course you can’t convince a man of this. He has to experience it himself on his own terms. And then realize what is going on.

              • Kas

                Being married does not make one useless, kind sir. That stung.

                • Brooklyn_Bruin

                  Married dudes play their part when it comes to dealing with serious committed relationships.

                  You single and chick acts up, swipe left. Need tighten up your Bumble game, holla at Leon.

                  Your wife is on one of her trips…can’t just dip on that.That’s when your married homey steps in.

                  • Kas

                    My parent always tell me they were once my age. To paraphrase most married man dated prior to getting married. Just don’t pick the married guy who never had game to give you advice.

              • charisma_supreme

                Your honor, I’d like to object to the notion that women find/make friends easily. Cuz sometimes ladies do this weird, insincere, frenemy/ “competition source that i need to keep close” mess to each other that i just dont get or eff with. I just dont have the time to pretend i like somebody. Bih, i’d rather have a V8.

                Re: the safe topics that men tend to talk abt with/among each other, i think the gents here in this forum get pretty vulnerable, and its refreshing to see. Divorce, father issues. Really real stuff. I dont see that as weak, but i can see what u r saying. The majority might.

                Lemme go downthread to see whatchutalmbout.

                • Brooklyn_Bruin

                  Agreed counselor. The world of women is dangerous. Chicks know exactly what buttons to push when it comes to other women.

                  And if you use the internet as a guide men are fairly open because to a large extent you people don’t affect my daily life. Offline guys don’t open that much, with good reason most of the time.

                  My mother told me this story.
                  A man at her job.
                  His wife was expecting, but they lost the baby.

                  He was devastated.

                  At first, his female co-workers consoled him, but eventually he lost their respect.

                  Horrible of them? Yes
                  Isolated experience? No

                  He can’t reset the relationship with them. Not easily.

                  That’s the sort of thing women learn about, but men are clueless about.

                  Better to stick to the script, and keep a stiff upper lip.

                  • charisma_supreme

                    Thats an awful awful story. I wanna call them heauxs some names….

                  • Buster Cannon

                    That’s a sad story, but like you said, it’s not rare. If a dude has some personal stuff that he’s going through, it’s best to have a close inner circle of brothers to confide in. Crying on the shoulders of other women leads to dropped respect in most cases.

                    • Brooklyn_Bruin

                      We get paid 1.00 for their 0.75.
                      And we also feel entitled to stop any chick we see on the streets.

                      It’s a good bargain all things considered

                • cedriclathan

                  So true. I’ve know women who’ll have girl friends that they’ll talk about like a dog but then goes out to lunch with them the next week.

                  • Rex_Magnus

                    My mind was blown when I first observed that kind of thing.

              • fxd8424

                “When you see men talk, it’s almost always external topics.”

                I always say men talk at each other, not necessarily to each other.

                • rhymeswithbrucelee

                  They’re conversations are competitions. Like who knows the most obscure facts about *fill in the blank*

            • LMNOP

              That’s kind of sad really.

              • There’s a good book about a lesbian feminist who decided she wanted to see what it was like to be a man. So she ditched the makeup and changed up her wardrobe and did it for about 6 months. She quit the project and had to get therapy.

                • LMNOP

                  Hm, that sounds interesting, do you remember what it’s called. Also, I very rarely wear makeup and spend 6 months a year wearing hoodies, and so far I haven’t had any psychological problems with it. I also don’t feel like this gives me any insight into what it’s like to be a man, so I’m assuming there was more involved.

                  • There was lol.

                    The book is called Self-Made Man.

                    • LMNOP

                      Thanks!

                  • fxd8424

                    I remember a woman who did something similar. Don’t remember her name though. I do remember she said that ramping down her feelings was a real job and difficult for her.

                    It is so much more than makeup and wardrobe. It’s gait, demeanor, feelings, stoicism, the mask of masculinity that men carry, succeeding with women, acting decisively and being in control, not showing weakness Small wonder she quit and went into therapy.

                    • LMNOP

                      It also seems like men just get a lot less emotional support, because gender roles kind if restrict the feelings they are allowed to show, and they don’t seem to be as quick to turn to friends and other people to talk about that kind of stuff.

        • Buster Cannon

          At the most it’s a compliment on an article of clothing, like “hey man you’re looking sharp” or “that’s a nice sweater”…stuff like that. But it doesn’t really have any bearing on attractiveness, just that whatever you have on is well put together.

          Women get catcalled by random dudes on their looks a lot by men, but women don’t do the same to men generally unless they’re in the top percentage (and even then it’s fairly rare). When it does actually happen I find it kinda flattering, even it’s from a gay dude lol

          • Basically, you get it as a celebrity.

            I was talking to a woman a couple weeks ago who does concert promotions for mainstream hip-hop artists. She was talking to me about how she gets tons of d*k pics sent to her on facebook, and routinely reposts them and the guys who put them up, while trolling them on FB, and it still doesn’t phase any guys from doing the same.

            • Melissa

              This woman is #TooReal and, though I don’t know her, I’m pretty sure I love her. I’m not even slightly famous and, I TELL YOU, the d*ck pic does not discriminate. I once met a dude through a children’s charity (!!!) that I was volunteering with and I’m obviously already counting chickens because he’s a cutie serving on a damn charity board. We go on one date. No shtupping occurs. Because I was not raised by wolves, I send him a “thanks for dinner!” text and what do I get back? A d*ck. Not even a good angle with a nice filter. Highly insulting. When I declined to send him pics back, he proceeded to invite me to an orgy. Thanks for the sympathy, Panama!

        • -h.h.h.-

          no.
          no.

        • DBoySlim

          Men rarely get complimented. By anyone.

          • fxd8424

            I hesitate to compliment random men because they tend to think I want them.

            • Rex_Magnus

              They think that because compliments are so rare. The rarity of compliments raises the value of a compliment. It’s like “oh, most women ignore me, so this must be meaningful!”

            • Uncategorized

              See also: saying “good morning,” thanking them for opening doors, accidentally glancing in the direction they may be standing, having basic manners, and not looking mean. This is coming from the men in my life who day they are basically hardwired to receive any positive interest as potential. I struggle with this, because it’s a much greater effort to NOT be nice and friendly.

        • Cleojonz

          Exactly. I compliment women all the time. I’m straight but I did tell a girl at a bar last summer that her boobies were looking right in her outfit and she was so appreciative.

        • Kas

          We insult each other as a way of showing love *shrug*

          • Ille Jay

            Most definite that happens…haha

        • Ille Jay

          Infrequent at best. And like a Few others have said… If its other men, its external: shoes, clothes, cologne (a bit of courage for that one, cause of the perception and where it could head quickly!)…

          if its Women (happens, offhand, like once a week or around there): Height, Beard, Daddy Handling (young daughters) and Aesthetic.

        • Not at all. and yet, we’re the ones called catty and unable to coexist. Interesante.

        • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

          No.

      • Gibbous

        Those men appear a little more respectful, but maybe it’s because every time they talk to a man they don’t know, they risk violence or whatever. Women, on the other hand risk violence or death when they say no thanks, even when said in a “mainly chill way.”

      • cedriclathan

        I get checked out more since I got a pink iPhone. I just wanted a phone that no other dude would claim was theirs.

        • Ille Jay

          That’s mad comfortability there, I’m quite content in my skin, but some items I can’t swill around in the suspect realm, gotta keep some devices of my manhood intact. Haha

    • iByron

      To be fair, such a reaction would have been really poor business.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      True that. Though I have no patience for being hit on by drunk women with not game either, so I’ve even less patience and a certain about of hulking out when dudes do it.

  • OhHappySlay

    I’m offended at the lack of respek dude had for your time. Do you even care about the tips I missed while I searched (twice) for you fictitious Blackberry? Are you proud of the drinks you stole from paying party-goers? You, sir, need a timeout.

  • Gibbous

    My biggest pet peeve is the men who don’t introduce themselves. I can’t tell you how many men have walked up and 1) asked me if I were married AND THEN, maybe, asked me what my name is.

    Where is the conversation? Where is the civility? I’m not married, but asking me that right out of the gate leads me to infer that you aren’t interested in conversation, getting to know me, hanging out or anything. You’re just looking for “should I try or should I not.” If you ask me if I’m married before 1) introducing yourself and, 2) asking my name in return then the answer will always be YOU SHOULD NOT!

    • AnswerMe

      Irks me as well. Shouldn’t it go something like “Hello, I’m such and such, how are you?” And I’ll probably respond with my name and the convo flows from there. Yes there are uppity attitude filled women that will roll their eyes, but I’d like to think the majority of us can appreciate SIMPLE introductory forms of communication.

      • Gibbous

        Please yes!!! Thank you.

    • Kat

      I was thinking the same thing… You got a man? And what, is my thought.

      Someones daddy followed me in the grocery store the other day. I’m like all I want is some beef ribs not yo beef. Peace be still.

      • AnswerMe

        LOL@someone’s daddy

        • Kat

          He had to be 99…

      • Ari

        “beef ribs not yo beef” – I hollered.

      • Asiyah

        Is it just the racks I’ve seen (yes I typed that. No takesies backsies), or is there a lot less mean on beef ribs than there are on pork ribs? Makes me so mad!

        • Kat

          Beef ribs are almost better than pork ribs…when done right. And yep the shrinkage is real but the meat is so rich you are going to be more than happy. It’s basically a steak. A cheap one..lol

          Recipe: Salt, pepper, garlic and mustard on both sides. Wrap in foil. Slow cook on 300 for about 3hrs. Open up and baste with a good bbq sauce (don’t oversauce, just gentle love). Cook for another hour or so. (Meat should be tender and bone should slide out easily)

          Serve with horseradish or mustard as a dipping sauce.

          Thank me later.

          • Deeds

            This sounds really good.

            • Kat

              It’s delicious and relatively cheap. Don’t get confused by the racks though..get you two or three if you are feeding 3 to 4 people. The shrinkage is real!..lol

          • Gibbous

            I was so confused when I moved to the South and ordered ribs. They were so tiny. I’m like baby cow? *sad face* Then they explained that they were pork. I still like the beef better.

            • Kat

              I was the opposite the first time I had beef ribs…when did Frederick Flintstone come back???..lol

          • Asiyah

            I have saved this delicious recipe. Thank you now AND later!

            • Kat

              More than welcome! BBQ sauce is optional. But it does add to the richness of the dish.

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            Beef rib fan here!

            I smoked some a few weeks back.

            The short ribs are great. Lots of meat, but you pay dearly for them.

            The back ribs are as cheap as st.Louis ribs but not nearly as much meat. Much to my chagrin.

            Next time I’ll have to double up.

            • Kat

              They are really cheap here, two racks for like 8 bucks. I’ll have to attempt to smoke them…dang I bet that’s good.

          • Jennifer

            This looks good…and easy! I’m still jonesing for brisket after that post last week. This might have to do until then.

            • Kat

              Very similar to a good fatty brisket.

    • Shomari

      To play devils advocate, if a guy engages you in a convo that goes well only to find out you are taken, then they feel like they just wasted all that time getting to know someone for no reason. But overall I do agree with you

      • gotta stop having conversations with expectations and just let it flow.

        • Shomari

          I agree with this, but I do understand the thought process behind why guys may start off like that

        • Brandon Allen

          Right, you can easily introduce yourself, then find out if theyre married and sidle away after that.

        • I get real annoyed when I have a conversation with a dude I think is hitting on me (that I’m interested in) and he’s just flirting to flirt. You just wasted my time. No, your conversation is not that great. I have plenty of friends that are amaaaazing *and* you may be scaring off a dude that’s actually interested in me.

          • Gotta practice sometime

            • Yeah, lol, I’m a person not a practice dummy. Maybe men should try vacuum cleaners with wigs on.

              • Rex_Magnus

                Those are too loud.

      • LadyIbaka

        Umm, no. Introduce yourself first, regardless. It’s not a waste time because you got to be blessed with her beauty, maybe luscious Locs, etc

      • Ess Tee

        Or, in some cases, they really don’t even care.

        *cue bus stop tale*

        Sometime last year, this dude started off with a compliment, and I said thanks. Then he asked me if I had a man; I said yes (even though I didn’t). He walked away after that answer. However, a minute later, he came back with, “So you can’t have friends?” and “He doesn’t have to know, you know?” Like, sir? Really? You negotiating to be side piece #1?

        • AnswerMe

          99.99% of the time when I say I have a bf, that’s the response I get. So now I’ve started saying “Yes, I have 2.” As in ain’t no room for a third man.

          • Cleojonz

            They don’t even care when you say you’re married half the time either.

            • Tee

              More folks are attracted to the married folks. It is more of a challenge, I guess.

              • I don’t get that flow, but whatever floats their boat.

                • Tee

                  IKR. If you’re married, you’re off limits to me. #DontNeedThoseProblems

              • Cleojonz

                I guess for some people it’s an oh good, this can be real casual type of things. No strings get your rocks off, keep it moving.

              • Bushido Brown

                I understand people logic behind that.

              • Kas

                Not more of a challenge, less of a hassle if she is game for the shenanigans. No Christmas present, Valentine’s day, birthdays, etc. to worry about. Plus odds are good that a married woman who will take entertain this nonsense is easy prey. At least that’s what my friends tell me.

            • fxd8424

              Nope. they don’t care.

          • Sweet Potato Kai

            Reply “No, I don’t have a man but I do have chlamydia”. That’ll learn ’em.

            • AnswerMe

              Lawwwwdddddd

            • Deeds

              That won’t stop em either.

              • Buster Cannon

                Right, never underestimate the power of male thirst lol

              • Sweet Potato Kai

                Then what will besides a speeding bullet?

        • Sweet Potato Kai

          That, “you can’t have friends?” retort is so so so lame and desperate. Men stop this behavior! Or when you walk past a group of men and they all turn into wolves, each one trying to one up the other. No bueno.

          • Ess Tee

            Girl, last summer I learned that apparently I’m “mean.” I think it stemmed from the fact that I rarely said spoke to the group of Black men at my job who’d walk down the hallway together.

            Funny thing–if they were by themselves, I’d speak, but it was something about them all being together in the hallway that just made me hesitant. Anyway, how I learned that I’m mean is that I was on the way to the cafeteria, and one guy who was walking in my direction said something to me and we started chatting. In the middle of our convo, he goes, “You aren’t mean after all.” :/

            • Sweet Potato Kai

              Having worked with 98.76% men, they don’t always realize how intimidating it can be for us. We’re not mean, we are just trying to get to the copy machine and back unscathed!

            • JayFromJerz

              I had a dude try to talk to me at work by saying, “I heard you were mean.” Like…bruh. THat is not a good way to start a convo. And even after that epic fail, there was still no effort. I guess he thought his hazel eyes were all a chick needed. Nah, kick rocks.

              • Ess Tee

                These dudes with the light eyes, man.

        • Why though? Why would you willingly want to be somebody’s side piece or jump off? Ain’t enough lonely in the world…

          • Ess Tee

            I guess if they aren’t looking for any strings attached, they don’t mind?

      • Gibbous

        Q: When is getting to know someone ever for no reason?
        A: When you’re only trying to know someone, anyone, for one reason and one reason only. Get a life. I like to meet and talk to lots of people who I would never dream of trying to get in my bed. I can’t be alone here.

        • Shomari

          You aren’t, but that is a totally different situation. The conversation is regarding the times when a guy approaches a girl for sometype of romantic reason. In that case, they aren’t just going to be happy that they got to know a new person and thats all that came out of it. If its a non-romantic situation then sure, get to know errbody.

          • Gibbous

            Why can’t I just expect to meet men, have conversations, get to know them and THEN decide whether or not to go further without being labeled a waste of time? Just because I’m single doesn’t mean yes. Somehow, I’m supposed to be able to make that kind of decision immediately with no data? That’s hardly fair to me or to the men I might meet.

            • Janelle S

              +1
              If I’m not worth your time to get to know–and really that ain’t happening either because married–regardless of how this turns out, you can miss me altogether.
              I suppose it saves both of us some time.

      • PoetrysTruth

        So what you’re saying is that even though you (in general) found me appealing enough to approach me, I’m not worth a few extra SECONDS of conversation. You’re so laser focused on the end game, that the first trife mess out your mouth is about me having a man? No. Just no.

        Perhaps you have a nice convo, maybe a few laughs…maybe even some professional connections depending on the venue. It’s not wasted time. So no conversation can be had unless it leads to more than conversation? C’mon aint’ nobodies clock ticking that loud. LOL

        • Shomari

          I agree, guys should def take the extra time to chit chat and introduce themselves before getting into any of that. But most guys I know (and maybe I just hang out with assholes) want to be as efficient as possible and aren’t interested in getting to know a woman if there is no chance of anything further.

  • Gbadebo

    “Bro, that’s the best you have for me? You think that would work? Like, of all the game you have in your soul, you thought that would help you get my number and maybe help me want to get to know you better? I’m actually offended that you think such shi**y game would work on me.”

    The ego is so real. I would have chuckled at the lame attempt, gave him a “Naw bud”….and walked my a$$ away. Still laughing.

  • Dustin John Seibert

    Fam WHY YOU PUTTIN’ ALL OUR BUSINESS OUT ON VSB?!?!?!

    • Ess Tee

      Panama ain’t put your business out, Dustin. *You* just did by commenting lol. Lost cell phone, bruh?

      • panamajackson

        Okay, this made me laugh out loud.

      • Dustin John Seibert

        :)

  • Mika

    Panama knows my dating life post 30. It’s real outchea.

  • naw man the worst of it is when the try to buy you. I remember one time I was at a bus stop and this man was pressing so hard to have his car so I could drive it to work instead of waiting for the bus everyday.

    • LadyIbaka

      Pretty boiz rock, rock, rock.

    • Naw. When they just suck their teeth, say “mmmm hmmmm” aloud, and look you up and down like you were a rack of ribs is the worst.

      • lol never had that experience my good sir.

  • Junegirl627

    Thanks for once again giving me joy laughs and a great read.

    The “lame” is real in these streets! Once difference b/w what you experience and what a woman experiences is fear.

    You were secure in your male-ness to say that to lame guy. When I get hit on I have .05 seconds to figure out if lame guy is gonna get violent or nasty if I tell him how I really feel about his lame azz line. Because responding to this situation with the truth can get a woman cursed out, smacked, stalked, raped, or killed

    • Gbadebo

      That is the saddest part of it all. It’s easy to get offended, but why are so many dudes THAT fragile out here??? Walk away and go talk to another girl. OR just go drink until you’re happy again. It’s that simple.

      • KB

        Fragility of the male ego and sense of entitlement

      • Mika

        Nah its that real. I remember on the news out here a girl denied a dude her number at a local club and he followed her and shot her in the stomach.

        • Gbadebo

          Yeah I remember that story. Believe VSB had an article on that situation as well.

          • Mika

            this was in FL, she survived. that other story the girl unfortunately died. :( It’s never that serious.

            • Tee

              Same thing happened in Jersey some time ago. Real scary out there.

      • That dude and the chick that barks out every dude that approaches her are the same person, different gender. They had issues long before it got to that moment, and the other person is just the innocent lucky contestant for whatever drama is in their mind.

      • BK37

        Several years ago, I was at a hood club in Atlanta and I asked a woman to dance. She said no, and I was like “ok” and started walking away. She grabbed my arm and was actually surprised that I simply said “ok” and walked away instead of badgering her, cursing her out, or anything like that.

    • KB

      It’s really sad to hear about women who get harassed and worse for not returning a woman’s advances. So many stories about women getting killed after telling a guy no is just d*mn despicable. Like, N!GG@, let it go.

  • Mika

    No effort, no creativity, just dry as F. And then when you give them the Chrissy Teigen face its like you’re wrong. No sir. Just no.

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