Awwwwwkard.
Relationships are full of moments. There’s the first time you hold hands. The first kiss. (Hopefully) The first smang. The moment where you realize her cooking tastes like an a** sandwich. Or the first time you realize his toenails look like they fought in ‘Nam.
But moment’s don’t just exist inside of an official relationship. What about that moment when you’re talking to somebody and you realize “holy sh*tcakes Batman, I’m smitten with this motherf*cker” and then you momentarily nut up like LeBron James in the fourth quarter. Or the moment when you realize that you have got to have this person for breakfast. Not on some toot it and boot it steez, but on some, “I wonder if she’ll make me brefest…” steez. Or the moment where you realize that you are exactly where you want to be. But not like Donell Jones.
Every aspect of a relationship is defined or spearheaded by some moment of realization. And the end is no different. And the most akward moment for a man is the moment he realizes that he no longer wants to sleep with a woman.
Ever again.
Because that is the end of it even if exists for two months or ten years more. Conventional wisdom states that all men are wanton lustbags ready to rock and fire even if we have no emotional investment in a woman. And you know, that’s true…as long as we never had an emotional investment. If we ever get emotionally caught in a woman, the moment where we realize that we no longer want to do the beatitupright dance is a very confusing and confounding one. It’s enough to drive you to drink. Considering that the way most men tend to “show” their love is through their never-ending desire for their woman (five love languages notwithstanding), it’s no wonder that women lose their sh*t when their man can go weeks without even wanting to touch her. Yeah, we’re going to tell you that we’re fine and just stressed, but the truth is, we realized we don’t care if we see you naked again. Not only do we not care, we actually don’t desire to see it anymore.
And trust me, it f*cks with us just as much as it f*cks with any woman. At that awkward moment that we realize this, we know we’re stuck in a situation that we can’t just walk away from. Breakups either happen quickly via some sort of life altering event (pretty sure between punches, Rihanna said “I quit you”) which is the ideal or they happen slowly with both sides pretending that they’re still there mentally, which is clearly the calendar from hell. And I’ll go so far as to say that most women still are there, as women tend to stick around longer (mentally and emotionally) than we will for various reasons stemming from not wanting to start over to honestly having no clue what happened and refusing to believe that it can’t be worked out. Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.
The relationship-slow-death is the most frustrating downfall ever. You’ve got two sides growing further and further apart while pretending to be as close as ever. But it had to start somewhere, and that’s the moment where the dude realized he didn’t want to let you play with his wang anymore. It’s a vulnerable time. It really is.
And you know it happens before actual relationships start (as referenced above). Dude can be out on a date with a woman that he was vibing with and found stimulating, interesting, attractive, and sexxy and in one fell swoop something can be said or done to murder that whole entire vibe. At which point, the dude might be like, “f*ck, I don’t even want to beat…what’s the quickest way I can get out of this Red Lobster, stick her with the bill, and go find that Kim chick from Cube’s “Today Was A Good Day” song.” I’ve seent it happen with my own two eyes. Trust me. While its purported that women know if they would sleep with a man within the first five seconds of meeting him, the decision about whether or not they will or not usually takes some convincing. Of course, us menfolks on the other hand, if we’re going out on a date with you there’s about a 123 percent chance that we will.
Which is why that moment is so awkward for a man…once you remove the sex from an equation where it’s 3 out of 5 variables, the relationship is dead.
So ladies, start asking the right question when things go south. Instead of asking (as you all do) “do you still love me?” ask the more pertinent question…”do you still want to sleep with me?”
His reaction, not his answer, will likely tell you everything you need to know about the future of your relationship. If that’s gone ladies, so are you.
Fellas, do I speak truth? What’s the moment when you know the relationship is ending?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka BIGHAND PIMPHAND JOE aka YOUNG P DA FLY THIEF aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
Note: A ways back, Liz mentioned that yours truly makes some music for the people and what not. Well tonight, I released one of my projects on Twitter by my “group” Everybody Wants Free so I’m going to do the same here. It’s an album called The Social Loner. The entire project is conceived, composed, programmed, played, produced, mixed, sequenced, loved, and hated by Panama Jackson and his various alteregos. It was conceived of as a sort of motion picture score to a time in my life. Anyway, feel free to download it for free. It’s an instrumental album…a side project of experimental music. Anyway, enjoy. All feedback is good feedback so hate it or love it, feel free to tell me. I appreciate the support either way.
When you would rather be ANYWHERE but where she is most of the time.
And to further that, for me personally, I know when it starts feeling like I have a part/full time JOB it’s definitely time to roll on out. Problem is even if you want nothing more than to get the hell away from them there usually is still a part of you that has some kind of emotional attachment to them and you would prefer not to go about it like a bull in a china shop. Over the years I’ve learned that as I guy you try not to be the azzhole in the situation but it’s an exercise in futility. No matter how it goes down if you have a dikk, you’re going to end up being the dikk. Save your sanity, your time, and your efforts and just bounce.
Man, you ain’t lying. Unless she cheats, it’s the man’s fault…and even then, there’s still no guarantee he’ll be free of blame.
But what is that, though, with guys and the whole “guilt” thing when a relationship ends? I mean I know its common for us (women) to put in OT to make the guy bear the burden of the guilt in a break-up, but what about when its not like that and a break up really IS mutual? Why does it seem like guys just automatically assume the guilt even in cases where the woman doesn’t put it on you anymore than herself?
Burden of being a man I guess. You know when somebody looks at it from the outside looking in, mutual or not, all eyes are going to fix directly on you so you bite the bullet and take it.
This
yeah….what Corey said.there has to be somebody at fault right? maybe i’m projecting here, but it rarely seems like two people just have the same realization and actualization on the same day and agree to go their separate ways and shake hands.
and somehow it’s always the guys fault.
i have an ex who recently told me that she keeps having to remind herself that she broke up with me b/c from her perspective i kicked her to the curb b/c of how she felt. lol.
i have an ex who recently told me that she keeps having to remind herself that she broke up with me b/c from her perspective i kicked her to the curb b/c of how she felt. lol
THIS! Even though I was the one to actually officially end it, I didn’t even want to. But clearly he was just letting it drag on so he didn’t have to be the bad guy. So yeah, I can say I broke up with him but he had checked out of the relationship some months prior. a$$.hole =/
‘Yes most times even tho us women say its over the man been said it was over with his actions. This is why I have never been broken up with. A man will do him but he wont break up with you he’ll wait until you say it to be free of the guilt. Knowing darn well he wanted out he just didnt want to be the one to say it.
Have to agree 100% with you here Corey. A relationship should be easy, exciting and fun. When those things disappear it’s time to call it. Timing is the hard part for both sides, because just like getting into the relationship (who got hooked first) getting out is just as difficult because once the hook has been set it’s hard to release.
since when were relationships “easy exciting and fun”? lol. sounds like yall really are not aware that relationships take work. the best and long standing ones take THE MOST work. and yes you disagree sometimes. yes you sometimes dread the person you’re with because the positives outweigh the negatives.
i feel like some of yall want sun shiny days 366 days a year in a relationship and that’s not gonna happen.
+1
Agree
1st of all.. welcome back Liz.
2nd… easy, exciting, and fun is my mantra now. All I’m saying is a relationship either works or it doesn’t— for both people. When you’re on the same wave length, it’s easy. When you communicate, it’s easy. When you enjoy each other, it’s easy. It only becomes difficult when people are not on the same page.
1) thanks
2) yeah but that doesnt just naturally happen, not even with people of the best intentions. you don’t get to same page communication without bumping heads here and there. i’m not even sure i’d want a super easy relationship, but i do know the ones that look easy went through some rough patches over time to get where they were.
I understand what you’re saying and bumping heads here and there is demonstrating growth in the relationship, but it’s done in a loving, caring, respectful way because you don’t want to intentionally harm that person when you’re still wanting to be with that person and them with you. I’ve had that kind of relationship and it was one of the most fulfilling, easy relationships ever. We did bump heads, we did argue, we did disagree, but at the end of the day we deeply cared enough not to want to hurt the other person.
When there is a total break down of a relationship and you’re trying to keep it together for whatever reason (most of them involve marriage, kids, financial reasons) then you’re not there for mutual love, support and understanding. THOSE get extremely nasty.
These are two very different relationship dynamics.
I agree. I think people are confusing easy and exciting with effortless. Nobody is saying relationships should be effortless, of course they take a considerable amount of work and energy. However, a relationship should be something that actually enhances your life and something you derive joy from. Unlike your family, you actually get to choose your significant other. All this talk of hard labor sounds like a bunch masochists. Love is not a battlefield.
ehh they did say easy above, which also means effortless. mincing words though.
i think all relationships take work, people have to eat a lot of humble pie in order to make it work, and that’s never easy or effortless for anyone to do because it’s just not natural. most people are selfish and wanna do their own thing, no matter how lovey dovey they seem.
” i think all relationships take work, people have to eat a lot of humble pie in order to make it work, and that’s never easy or effortless for anyone to do because it’s just not natural. most people are selfish and wanna do their own thing, no matter how lovey dovey they seem.”
i guess this is too long for a t-shirt. perhaps an r&b song?
Agree with you Trackstar…. Easy in this case does not mean effortless… It means it should not be a burden. If the relationship is a burden, it’s not a good relationship… it’s that simple.
Efforts are not necessarily comfortable all the time but the end result and the flow of the relationship is easy and worth it. When it feels like pulling teeth, it is like pulling teeth.
I agree with Liz here. I think trying to find someone that is going to be fun and easy to deal with all the time is unrealistic.
What you really want is someone who is fun and easy going enough, that they make being able to deal with rough road of life palatable. That comes through have good communication and enjoying each other, but also comes from having a true connection that will last through the rough times.
Exactly, they say the grass is always greener on the other side, but I say the grass is greener when watered.
Relationship takes a whole lotta effort and I guess people need to realize that if the both of you wanted your relationship to work, hell yeah, it will.
I tend to think the grass is the same color on both sides. Just different landscaping needed.
exactly!
it’s all about finding someone who is lesser than the other evils out there lol.
Welcome back Liz!!!!
Blueberries: Every avi pic you have, i think you’re a different complexion.
Hahaha! Thanks. I am not really back but decided to come by for this post.
And yes, I am a very middle of the road brown color. Nobody rides on me for being light or darkskinnt, per Ps post yesterday, so I must be in the middle.
Gone head and preach, Tanya.
I think we’d actually be surprised how far communication goes in a relationship. The very nature of it can determine if you and your SO can playfully and passionately debate a subject and understand but disagree on it, or if every conversation is WW3.
As a man, when i approach a relationship with no expectations, no judgement, and open mind, willing (but not eager) heart, and fun loving nature, my interactions with not just my SO, but ppl in general tend to blossom. When we’re together we have a BLAST. When issues arise, our foundation is what supports us as we sort them out. It’s how me and my now fiance have been together 2.5 years, most of it being long distance.
That and when we are together, we usually break every bed in a 2 mile radius.
I was thinking the same thing! They must be kids or something, because relationships are just as much work as parenthood (sometimes more), and work is laborious, tedious, and mundane. At the end of the day, though, you get to reap the fruits of your labour.
I would like sunshiney days all year round, year in, year, out. I’d also like an endless supply of money, my own home and car, world peace, lipo, whiter teeth, and a good steak. But ain’t nunna that gonna happen realistically, except maybe for the steak.
You summed it up Liz.
I can dig it, Liz. “It wasn’t no peaches and dandy trip! It’s f@#$in’ hard work n’ sh!t!” Excellent point.
@LIZ
yeahhhhhh! you’re back!
I totally agree with your statement. to think that relationships are easy and effortless fun is a child’s fantasy. its hard work. there are days when you dont like your momma so trust there will be days when you dont like your partner. There are days when you want to be selfish, dont want to think about what someone else eats or doesnt, dont want to listen to the same music, etc and those are just random annoyances. Growing together and finding yourself as most of us are doing between 25-35 is hard enough its definitely hard to do with someone else. and thats not mentioning the work it takes to keep your relationship from becoming “routine”.
and yes the relationship should make you feel its worthwhile, there should be comfort, and moments that make all the work seem worth while.
but good relationships just dont happen. it takes work and commitment and dedication and all that shyt you put on your resume.
Thank you, anything worth having takes effort, relationships are work.
Well said. Those of us who are married should definitely be able to agree. Fun, sunshine, sure….but when you are with a person for years you have to work to make sure the relationship remains fresh. Unless the two of you are exactly alike (nope), you WILL bump heads, have arguments, etc. If you can communicate with each other you should feel even closer together after each rough patch though.
I’d even say you’ll bump heads if you’re exactly alike. I can admit that certain aspects of my personality manifested in others gets on my nerves.
Yup, that def happens too!
AMEN.
+2
THIS! u are speaking real knowledge! relationships are extremely hard work. and as a man or woman if u leave a relationship when your partner gets annoying/boring/etc good luck with any relationship post-90 days. Because after 90 Days every1 and everything becomes mediocre.
great comment, and I love your pic!
aw thanks
Yeah, I totally agree. This is what I feel like guys mean when they say they aren’t looking for drama. To my ears, it sounds like they’re not much of a catch, ’cause they’re waiting for a happy and healthy relationship to fall into their laps without effort. I steer clear of dudes that use that “drama” code word. But hey, I’m single, so maybe I’m drama-full, LOL.
what they mean (by ‘they’ I mean ‘me’). is that they (I) want a form of communication between each party that minimizes the use of anger (on her part) to give feedback to her man. Sometimes a simple request with a smile is more effective than the eye-rolling.
it’s mostly our (my) fault for even knowing about how to calm, and soothe an ABW, but doing that only exacerbates the problem.
Hmmm. I don’t know. Some don’t want there to be conflict at all, it seems. I’ve been told I was being an ABW when I was just talking. My voice wasn’t raised, my heart rate wasn’t elevated. I just didn’t agree and it was seen as an attack. I think men can be hypervigilant against ABW, just as much as women can be hypervigilant against certain things. But I do feel your comment below.
I think once folks look in the mirror and realize that they themselves are not “easy exciting and fun” all the time, they will realize relationships certainly aren’t.
I think – and this sounds unromantic – that relationships should be mutually beneficial. And I don’t mean conditional relationships, but what I mean is that both parties agree to try to make each other happy (vs I want someone cute / I want someone with money).
Now getting that other person motivated enough to make you happy is the key.
Preach!
This here is why there is so much divorce. People thinking its supposed to be like a beach vaca all the time. This was my ex’s mistaken belief and why he put up the deuces. Because it wasn’t fun anymore, didn’t feel like doin it.
It’s supposed to feel like a job sometimes. Hell, if you are trying to grow old together, and you subtract the first three years, its gonna feel like a job more often than not. My parents been married 45 years and I know they had stretches where there was no desire for chex. They couldn’t stand each other for the entire time I was in college.
I don’t know what Disney fantasy people are living in, but if you stay with anybody long enough, you will stop wanting to smash. It’s gonna happen. You gotta try to bring the sexy back. Like jump starting a car. Maybe some couples are in love and chexing it up for 50 yrs non stop (doubt it) , but odds are that’s not gonna be you, so people need to quit quitting perfectly good partners to go look for that mythical lifelong excitement. I don’t think its even biologically possible to be in love for a long time. Your brain can’t make that much oxytosin, and you develop a tolerance.
My rant is done now. Touchy subject.
THIS! AND, THIS!
Cosign.
Love it. This is very true
I feel you on this. You stop wanting to have sex and that’s it? No discussion? No attempt? Just, “Baby, I’m not up for it tonight. I’m moving out.”
The doors of the church are now open. Girl, you just PREACHED!
So when folks get married, and the relationship starts taking more work than before, you do bounce?!?! Carefullllll.
i actually prefer to be the a$$hole if I cared about her because it seems easier on her if she thinks that I was the problem. My perspective is that I can shoulder the burden of the breakup a little better, so I let her project the negative feelings on to me.
Truth
Agreed… when you hear the front door open and your heart sinks… When you start asking “your boys not doin anything tonight….?” When you start working late to spend time away… When you take the long way home even though gas is $5.99 a gallon…When you dont want to go out with other couples because their happiness makes you resent him… yea… it’s time to go lol.
When you go over there and sit in the driveway for 15 minutes wondering do you really even want to walk in there and listen to some bullish OR suffer through uncomfortable silence that is the prequel to some bullish….
That’s just SAD. Why the heck would let a relationship like that last til it gets to that point?
I mean it’s not only sad for YOU, but you are making a fool out of the girl and wasting her time. She could be getting married to someone who actually wants to be with her.
I say..just bite the bullet. Hurt her feelings, she will get over it and you. In the end, you both will be happy. But like you (or someone) said before, the earlier you do it, the easier it is.
****That’s just SAD. Why the heck would let a relationship like that last til it gets to that point?****
I’ll speak for myself here (though I suspect this experience is not just unique to me), sometimes it’s not simply a matter of “letting” the relationship deteriorate. Sometimes the relationship deteriorating is really just reality setting in. The euphoria and the idealization that clouded our early judgment has cleared, and now we’re seeing everything, not just the stuff we like, but the stuff we hate.
And if you’re invested in the relationship at all – it’s going to be a second before you accept that reality. You’re going to convince yourself it’s something you have to try to work through, or that it’s just a rough patch… until you run out of excuses and explanations to stay and admit that you’re not happy and you’re just not ever going to be happy.
That’s when you realize that, despite the fact that she’s as cute as when you first met her, you aren’t attracted to her… and once you get here it’s over. Because at this point chicks who aren’t as cute as your girl, BECOME more attractive than her, because they don’t come with her baggage. (For women it’s a little bit different, once a woman realizes she doesn’t respect a man anymore… it’s over. He can be just as smart, witty, and strong as he was when she first met him, but once she realizes she no longer respects him… he’s done)
see DQ that’s why your my friday e-boo because you know what you are saying… exactly
*you’re
You had me at “see DQ”. See you Friday
I think you’re going to have to share him after he shared this insight.
DQ’s already mine on Wednesdays, or is it Tuesdays? Hm…Let’s just say today is my day.
Hmmm, does he have a weekend e-boo?!?! DQ???
*Pencils in TAC for Tuesdays, if for nothing else the alliterative effect*
Alana I’m renting Weekend days. Call me.
LOL @ DQ having DAYS.
I still want a blizzard everytime he posts.
just me?
oh.
carry on…
*I still want a blizzard everytime he posts*
There is a joke in there somewhere, but it’s too easy. You wouldn’t respect me for it. So I’ll let this one slide…
…there might even be a SWIDT somewhere in this comment. Why? Cause I’m on one. #Lying #AintOnOne
LOL.
i’ll come back with it on friday when foolery knows no bounds.
in the meantime..settles for slurpee…
“LOL @ DQ having DAYS.”
Ok?! I’mma need him to learn ya’ll brothas on how to ePimp. Lawdy.
co-sign- not tryna steal ur e-boo, just the pasrt about him knowing what he’s talking about. exactly.
See, now I know on days when I can’t comment that DQ is gon’ hold it down. I have nothing more to add but an all-caps #COSIGN.
Preach Brother DQ!
Sometimes you get in situations where nobody wants to shoulder the responsibility of the label “The one who ended it”. My homie was jammed up like that and everytime he would say something about splitting chick would hit him with the “I can’t believe you’re giving up on us” guilt trip. When you find yourself in that situation you have to understand that regardless of how you feel about it, you gotta take that L. Two people sitting up becoming more bitter by the day and wasting LIFE is all bad. If you know the other party isn’t going anywhere YOU have to go ahead and pull the trigger and let the chips fall where they may.
I see Corey, Todd, and TWIsM have all been there/understand what I’m talking about.
I can also relate to “not wanting to be the bad guy”. Especially since from my view, there didn’t have to be a bad guy, we just weren’t a good match and that it was ok that go separate ways.
But invariably if you know there’s no future, you do have to man up and “wear that black hat”. If you ever cared about her, you have to do it. She’ll be hurt, and you just have to accept that she’s gonna be hurt, and there’s nothing you can do to assuage it. And once you do it, you have to leave her alone to heal and move on. One of my home girls put me on to this.
It went against everything in me to be that cut and dry, but my home girl was right. My ex was able to pick herself back up and move on much better with me completely out of the picture. Still didn’t feel good about it.
“And once you do it, you have to leave her alone to heal and move on.”
DQ — words of wisdom on both sides. This is how it has to be for most men and women. When I’ve cut a relationship off, I cut it off. There are no friends after ex’s. It’s hard, no doubt, but necessary.
“That’s when you realize that, despite the fact that she’s as cute as when you first met her, you aren’t attracted to her… and once you get here it’s over. Because at this point chicks who aren’t as cute as your girl, BECOME more attractive than her, because they don’t come with her baggage.”
This is so dang sad!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can stop this? It just happens one day? Yeah, that’s probably why I’m taking a break from dating. Too many negative feelings and “WTF is going on with dudes?” moments going through my head. And after all that effort, THIS could happen? Oh heck nah! LOL.
But why do you even think about that when you go in dating? If it happens, it happens such is life… A job can end up in a being fired but you still go out there and look for one, don’t you? I mean we, humans, do die, but we still birthing babies every single day… Why is the thought that something might not work out in a relationship so frightening? What about the time you’ve spent with that person… getting to know that person, exchanging with them and growing as a result? That’s what life is about… the process, not the end result. We are so busy focusing on the finish line, we end up losing the race…
I don’t go into a relationship thinking about how he might one day not find me as breathtaking as I know I am
…. I am thinking here is a chance to enjoy another human being and travel a little bit of road with… if it turns out that the journey has been so fun that we want to keep going so be it… if not, we part ways, make the necessary arrangements and start anew looking for folks to travel with… Happily ever after happens when YOU (universal you) are happy ever after.
****This is so dang sad!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can stop this? It just happens one day? Yeah, that’s probably why I’m taking a break from dating. Too many negative feelings and “WTF is going on with dudes?” moments going through my head. And after all that effort, THIS could happen? Oh heck nah! LOL.****
To be clear, what I was describing was the situation when you know it’s over. Once you’ve hit that point of no return, there is no return. But it doesn’t JUST happen. There’s a process to getting there. Strangely enough… it seems bad relationships (like good relationships) can be built over time.
That’s just SAD. Why the heck would let a relationship like that last til it gets to that point?
Because you have realized that you didn’t want anymore but haven’t found the right way to get out of it. And you’re hoping the other person will get out of it first before you do… and become the a$$hole…
It’s complicated.
Honestly Corey, I totally agree with your point. But in an effort to not look like a d*ck, you end up looking like a bigger d*ck and overall deceiving. If you start to feel like you’d rather do Met’s taxes after Bernie Madoff than hang w/ your girl, just be honest and nip it in the bud. She’ll be pissed, but she’ll be less bitter in the long run which in turn will prevent crime. Trust me! Lol
But you made a great point! Women need to start paying attention to these signs.
i think if work EVER becomes more enjoyable than home…the love is gone.
What if you are a porn star?
****When you would rather be ANYWHERE but where she is most of the time.****
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How many times have I said (on this site alone) that once a man matures, he just wants his peace of mind and the woman that does the least amount, to rob him of it.
****And to further that, for me personally, I know when it starts feeling like I have a part/full time JOB it’s definitely time to roll on out.****
Absolutely cosign. When it’s a job, it’s something you HAVE to do rather than something you CHOOSE to do even though it’s difficult (and yes there is a difference). People who hate their jobs eventually quit… draw whatever conclusions/parallels you feel are appropriate.
I’ve been right there bruh. I used to just show up and go through the motions. I didn’t talk, I didn’t crack any jokes (and that’s unheard of for me), it was like I was physically there but otherwise completely detatched. I was always one anything from snapping out on somebody. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Nobody should ever be able to change your personality into something or someone you don’t recognize.
“The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How many times have I said (on this site alone) that once a man matures, he just wants his peace of mind and the woman that does the least amount, to rob him of it.”
Ladies pay attention to this statement it could save you from nagging your man right out the back door leaving nothing but a sticky note that says ” I just can’t ”
When a dude chooses to take the lease stressful way out of a relationship (which basically means leaving before she comes home) that is usually a sign that she is a complete loon who will test him in every way to have her way even if it means jail time for both of ya’ll.
At the end of a day of battling the world, the last thing we want is to come home and have to go to war again. As a real man, I expect my woman to give me salvation, comfort and peace especially if I create that enviroment to thrive. Just as any woman expects to be protected, provided for and loved unconditionally. I believe that love is hard work that you should enjoy doing. So is it really that hard if you look forward seeing your SO every day?
Only if we lived in a perfect world???
****Ladies pay attention to this statement it could save you from nagging your man right out the back door leaving nothing but a sticky note that says ” I just can’t ” ****
This literally made me laugh out loud.
I believe that love is hard work that you should enjoy doing.
This is a great statement.
When it’s a job, it’s something you HAVE to do rather than something you CHOOSE to do even though it’s difficult (and yes there is a difference).
I think a lot of people confuse those two concepts… when they are two wildly different ones.
Mixtape is quality. Now to read the post.
yes Panama i am so enjoying the music especially as i am reading these posts… its like a soundtrack to all this deep stuff… 2 thumbs up… i likely
So I’m not the only one listening to it as I post? Damn that’s crazy cause I was thinking the same thing about the soundtrack
And I thought I was an original! Lol!
Nope, everybody’s doing it apparently.
thanks homes.
Newbie to the site! just showin love, absolutely a fan!
Welcome!
*waits for Yoles…
Welcome to the VSB family, missy!
PINCHES TO THE LEFT OF THEM! PINCHES TO THE RIGHT OF THEM! PINCHES IN FRONT OF THEM! VOLLEY AND THUNDER!
iDied…..
???????????? WELCOME MADEMOISELEOGUS ?????????????
please stay and continue to ?
thanks and ya come back y’hear.
wow. I’d never heard of this before until now.
what makes a man stop wanting to sleep with a woman? is she sexually boring? just not attracted to her anymore? i’m confused.
“Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.”
this is true.
“Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.”
this is true.
+1! I just had a conversation and said some version of this statement to a friend who is ending a relationship. Choosing well is so important *shakes head at past bad choices*
right? makes u re-evaluate yourself.. like what the hell was I thinking at the time I decided to be in a relationship with this dude.. Do I know myself as well as I think i do?
Do I know myself as well as I think i do? <——THIS
GOSPEL TRUTH…
Truth.net! It is really difficult to look back on a failed relationship and see where you fcuked up.
“Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.” <–Especially if you saw warning signs and your momma, church deacon, supervisor and Mai Ling the nail tech told you he was no good.
“what makes a man stop wanting to sleep with a woman? is she sexually boring? just not attracted to her anymore? i’m confused.”
Yes and yes. There is a point (whether we arrive there through physical boredom, emotional exhaustion, or a combination thereof) when even that doesn’t matter.
sigh.
this makes me sad.
Makes me kinda sad but on the other hand I just think the relationship wasn’t meant to be if he just gets bored physically or is emotionally tired. they need to man up.
hmmm…but what if they’re emotionally tired because you’re a shrew, or nothing satisfies you, or you want something new from them everyday? or i’m emotionally tired b/c he doesn’t deal with challenges well and i’m always putting out fires in his crazy little mind? sometimes it’s not about maning or womaning up. (should those fake words have 2 n’s? me no no.) sometimes a person is emotionally exhausted because their mate is emotionally exhausting!
Agreed. I couldn’t even think of any witter banter to respond to this one.
It’s hard out here, and not just for pimps *mental picture of Terrance Howard with the Al Sharpton press*
I went thru boredom (the proverbial “just going thru the motions”) but I actually made it thru. I had to get creative (took her shopping to Lover’s Lane, tried some strawberry/other-foods experimentation, self-imposed hiatus etc.) & she went along.
I’d say boredom in itself does not spell “the end” bcoz you can get thru it if you try. Or rather if you want to try. And that’s a whole ‘nother thing.
Its funny i was just about to ask if its really the end-be-all or if there’s some kind of way to work through it
but what makes a man decide if he wants to put the blood, sweat and tears into trying or when he just says fvck it and decides to bounce… from what i am reading the men still love the ladies so what is it says i’m staying her and making this work!!
>so what is it says i’m staying her and making this work!!
That’s a great question.
Perhaps when she’s making an effort to work this out (whatever the hiccup is) or compromising…(and not insisting on winning all the time). Being creative (in or outside the bedroom) kinda has the “but wait, there’s more!” thing.
If I can see myself enjoying time with her when the current disagreement is over, then I for one will make an effort.
Then yeah, I’ll put in more effort to make it work. I’m not gonna let her put in all the work, while I walk away. I’d like to be able to say I tried to salvage the situation.
Its when the nagging is nonstop & I have to leave home to get some peace. (A Raisin in the son: “when a man has to leave home to get some peace then something’s wrong”)
Exactly. I think a woman should realize that she too has flaws and those flaws need to be corrected in order to make our relationship work. As was said upthread, peace of mind is everything. Whenever me and the lady have an arguement, I go back the beginning of he argument with her and see where it got out of hand. 7/10 times she took something I said and twisted it in her head to make me seem as if I was saying something to slight her.
However frustrating it may be to do, figure out where things go wrong, and be truthful about your part in it. It makes becoming a better person in a better relationship easer.
Now my woman is mature enough to run through the events truthfully after some time, this does not work right after the episode.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder.
#thatisall
If you could tell this to my wife, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
That’s my question. And is this “fixable”??
I was thinking something along these lines too, because we all get bored, irritated, or whatever, with the one we love. So why do we work through the rough spots? I think we decide that the person is worth the effort of working through things. Life is hard, and love is part of life, and therefore hard. We decide that our SO has enough good qualities that we want to do whatever we have to to get to the other side- together. Sometimes it just takes some time and getting used to new/different stuff. My ex once told me that when I put on a lot of weight he thought I was gross, but after a while he got used to it, and I went back to being sexy again.
I heard once that what makes a relationship/marriage work is not so much love, but committment and I completely agree. The “feeling” of love will not always be there but if you are committed then you try to work through whatever it is. I also heard Will and Jada once say that for them divorce is not an option, and once that is off the table you have no choice but to try to work through it. Which goes back to committment. And importantly…both parties have to be committed.
Exactly! It takes a mutual committment to stay together through good times and bad. Without that, you might be out with the dish water.
On a personal note… Both my cousin and I told our husbands that divorce would not be an option. Today we are both divorced. Never say never (but there is a comfort in knowing that your partner will always be there). My cousin’s husband understood no divorce to mean “I can do whatever the f*ck I want to AND get away with it”. It worked till he had a baby with someone else. Mine… Well mine thought I’d always be around until I had a baby with someone else. Yeah, never rule out anything!
—–> This right here <——– Preach JodzSE! I told my estranged husband this mess in the beginning of our marriage also. Big mistake! He took it as licence to mess around for all six years of our marriage. I discovered several of these indiscretions, during the course of the union. Threatened to leave. Never did. He would cry and beseech and promise me the moon. (not the stars…probably couldn't give me that either) Finally when I found out about yet another chick at 5 months pregnant, I threw up the deuces, put up the condo for sale, called my family to help ne load the moving truck and wished him well. Thing is, he desired me up until the bitter end. Still does. I probably would have given up sooner if he had stopped wanting me. Side note—— would love to see a post about why women stay with bad boy cheaters. Hell if I can figure that mess out. Carry on.
My guys tell me it’s when she either stops interesting him or when she stops being interesting without him; that’s when they kind of slack off the sex with her and it’s just a downward spiral from there.
An addendum to that would be if she’s a crazy-monkey-cooched type girl from whom men will put up with damn near anything.
lmao @ monkey-cooch.
I wonder what types of things a monkey cooch can do
There was a post about this that had something to do with crazy women always winning at keeping dudes…smh
something about:
crazy women=sexually uninhibited
everybody else is doing a better job of articulating why than i could. for me what’s happened is that i’ll just realize that my goals with this person have changed from making love to just making it.
and again, it’s not just solely within the confines of a relationship. that sh*t can happen pre-relationship. that happened to me once. like…this chick perplexed me in so many f*cktard ways that my interactions with her had nothign to do with ever seeing her naked and everything to do with just understanding why she was such an asshole to me when i’d done nothing. and i know ninjas say theyve done nothing, but in this case i really mean it. i once saw her in fairly skimpy attire and wasn’t fazed at all. nothing. no wang dance. for me…that’s why its awkward, i aint expecting it but when it happens, im confused for a second.
“what makes a man stop wanting to sleep with a woman? is she sexually boring? just not attracted to her anymore? i’m confused.”
for some men, they really don’t want to give her satisfaction.
they don’t want to reward the bad behavior.
besides -> half the fun of chex is watching ya’ll cum anyway, its an ego builder (faked or not), and if the man starts to feel like the woman doesn’t deserve the joy of orgasm, he’ll start to just ‘get his’. At that point the challenge of chex (and the joy imho) starts to leave, and it becomes boring.
so it ain’t about the quality of chex – it’s about the goal of chex. clear as mud?
That moment for a woman when we stop seeing that “glimmer” in his eyes when we catch him looking at us. We wonder whether its just a “phase,” a sideline heauxx or if its a sign we should begin the process of emotionally detaching ourselves from his mind, body & stroke.
Fellas, if she asks to smell your d*ck, the relationship is over. Word to Riskay.
Caught the mixtape when PJ released it on Twitter. I digs it but I kinda wish there was some obnoxious DJ, like Khaled, hosting it. Don’t judge me, I’m southern.
I have actually had that happen before! The first time I was kind of in shock but after that I just started slapping them with it….
Better watch that. I hear that chicks are cutting them off and tossing them in garbage disposals now.
#Chopped&Screwed
Oh word. You say there are remixes to the way Lorena Bobbit did it back in the day? Since when is peen the enemy? Don’t people know when you throw it up in the air it turns to *sunshine*?!
The peen is not my enemy. But this chick right here is an enemy to peens everywhere…
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/World/20110712/california-woman-estranged-husbands-penis-110712/
I think that might just be a TAC thing there…although she probably EXTRA friendly in person!
No joke and not a TAC thing this time. My link is being moderated cause of the word p e n i s. It’s from ctv.ca/CTVNews.
I AM extra friendly btw. Which is why I would never do such a thing. Could you imagine how hard it is to get shredded peen out of a garbage disposal? There are much less messy ways should that ever become necessary.
yea i read the article.. they were going through a divorce he was unfaithful, she chopped it off, threw it in the garbage disposal and turned it on, then called the police on herself and said to dispatch he deserved it… someone else said they read an article where it says she stated he gave her a STI/STD/VD or whatever it’s called now… she.wasn’t.playing. i wonder if women like this have it easy in prison???
@Yoles- Eff that! She wouldn’t have it easy in prison cause I’d go find her *ss!!! R u serious?! That heinous wench should be waterboarded and ice-picked to a slow death! I mean, if I made you that mad just torture me and kill me! Don’t cut my wang off, shred it to pieces then leave me to live! F*ck that! lol
DA*N Just… you went in!!!! it does seem kind of extreme but then again if he gave her the monster.. hmmm
i see you with your pic
???????????? WELCOME ?????????????
@Yoles- Yeah, the monster is….a monster. So I get where she was comin from, but that was beyond excessive. Just kill him and plead insanity. All that mutilation and sh*t is unneccesary. And yeah, I finally got my avi on. I feel like I’m actually part of the community now
@Just
she was excessive but we don’t know how it feels for a spouse to give you the monster… that shyt sounds sooooooo crazy to me… might make me mutilate somebody, go on a killing spree etc…
i love when ppl bust out avi’s (im the resident advocate for face shots -NOT TWSS) i want to see who is saying what to me… that being said.. Roger is that you?!?!?!?!
Do you really want Uncle PJ the DJ? I mean just a-shoutin “IMMA THREEEEEE” over and over? o.O
Its what most southerners enjoy. Our DJ’s yell. It makes me feel warm and tingly inside when I hear DJ Khaled shout WE DA BESS because…well we is da bess.
Yes, DJ Drama, among others, has made that painfully clear that this DJ overriding the song thing is really what’s good in the souff
Yeah, DJ self-promotion is a staple in the south – almost to the level of dirt roads and football worship.
That said, I heard Drama at a club last fall and he didn’t talk that much. I was pleasantly surprised.
DJ Clue started all that. And if he didn’t start it, he brought it up to the North. It’s the reason why I don’t pay DJ-laced mixtapes any mind; to me, it’s the equivalent of someone (unnecessarily) talking through a movie.
The worst is when DJs do Mixtapes with R&B tracks and in the middle of a song they are doing that dang obnoxious name call. Nobody is trying to hear a loud angry man over a love jam. Messes up the mood.
You ain’t never lied…lol
Dj Clue voice + the echo effects is the greatest dj drop of all time
I’m partial to the “THE CANNON!!!” and “GANGSTA!!” from the gangsta grills and don cannon joints myself.
My new fave? “HOLIDAY SEASON!!!!!”
I’m at work bumpin the DJ Holiday and Young Dolph now!
Niiice!
I used to think Jam Pony’s ad libs made their sh*t hotter.
“Do you really want Uncle PJ the DJ? I mean just a-shoutin “IMMA THREEEEEE” over and over?”
This right here made me have to fetch mah salts. Giles!
Do you really want Uncle PJ the DJ? I mean just a-shoutin “IMMA THREEEEEE” over and over?
BWAHAHAHAHA….
That Riskay song was comedy gold…lol Totally forget about that!
If you’re asking to smell his jank when he comes through the door, it’s time to exit stage left.
*THAT* and when you start leaving crazy voicemails like the one Riskay left at the beginning of the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgWgEoaAYDY). If you call or text him15 times and he still doesn’t respond, its time to walk away. Leaving a nasty voicemail or sending text messages in all CAPS is not going to change that.
Yeah…not even the move…lol
“I digs it but I kinda wish there was some obnoxious DJ, like Khaled, hosting it. Don’t judge me, I’m southern.”
LOL, ya know, I could totally see PJ doing this on another project. He has le southern flava.
regarding the “mixtape”…where exactly would a DJ even go. lol. it aint even a mixtape. it’s an instrumental album. there’s no place for a DJ to scream…he’d effectively be the artist. that aint scream over the beat music.
Haven’t done anything like this in a while, so in honor of tonight’s ESPYs I’ll turn the clock back a bit and offer a special remix of the classic Jamie Foxx performance for Serena Williams back at the ’03…for the e-boo.
*If anyone is clueless at this point, this clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIK15lvZdW8) will help a whole lot.
“Can I be your hockey puck, hockey puck, hockey puck –
Girl, you got them dumps just like a truck, babe…
We can skate real slow or skate real fast,
Can my slide my stick against your…glass…
Some men wanna be Liz’s thong,
Mrs. Mariah Cannon – ain’t that wrong…
(Just don’t look right, that don’t make no sense)
I’m tired of that Kelly Rowland song…
Baby can you put me on – let me be your hockey puck…
We can go first period (horn) second, third period (horn),
Overtime with you, we’ll play one or twooooooo…..
You can wear your favorite shoes…baby,
You can start off in a suit….I just wanna, I just, I…..
Cut, cut it, cut it: can I be your hockey puck….
I can’t give you everything, I can’t give you everything tonight.”
*Yes, I know there was a second part. I also know it was done at the followig year’s ESPYs. Start the countdown.
Alright, on to the post…
For me, it’s over when I plain don’t want to be around her anymore. If I’d rather go home and sleep in my own bed (alone, obviously) than sleep with her, then it’s pretty much a wrap. If I tried, I could probably think of the shark-jumping moments in all of my past relationships. Without thinking about them, I know that sometimes I took heed of those moments and ran for the hills…and sometimes I didn’t. Of course, times regarding the latter were more painful.
If I think that good times can be better without her and that bad times are no better with her, then it’s time to be out. And if it gets to the point where she actually offers and I turn it down? Done. For. Then again, I get to the “I can do without you” point faster than most guys (at least the ones I know) do – so my sentiment may not be that of the majority.
I think that makes a lot of sense, seeing as we’re first physically drawn to a person.
I’m not sure what awkward women are for women inside of relationships. Outside there are many.
1) That awkward moment when your blind date drops something down your shirt and attempts to go after it.
2) That awkward moment when you are the single friend at a table full of couples.
3) That awkward moment when your family keeps asking if you’re dating/married/pregnant.
4) That awkward moment when your friend starts sleeping with an ex*
5) That awkward moment where you get “Cockroached” by your friend a la “No you gon’ head and holler at him,” no girl you go, “No you, I insist,” aiight then!
6) That awkward moment where you start to approach a guy only to be usurped by some ugmo dude who blocks you the whole night
7) That awkward moment where you find your mom’s bootycall bag.
*Yes, not all women care to the utmost but we’d all be lying if we said it didn’t irk us a little bit in a “respect-
thug lifeloyalty” sort of way.1) Can’t speak on that.
2) Co-sign. It’s the worst feeling im the world.
3) Don’t forget about friends of family, who may have known you growing up.
4) Can’t speak on that, either, considering the number of exes I had…
5) OR it becomes a running joke amongst y’all.
6) I apologize to my boy. I wanted to talk, but he ain’t got no home training.
7) *smacks forehead*
Ahh so you’re usually a #6? Interesting…
As for number seven, yes, thats what that bag is. If you found it and it has bloomers, good smells, and anything with the words “warming/tingling/stimulating” on it…that’s mom’s BCBag. Sorry homie lol
Don’t mind me; I just be shy. Once dude starts talking, I usually act as though I don’t associate myself with such individuals. Plus, I naturally assume he’s got you…
Well I’m shy too and it took al my nerve to even start walking over there to then be snatched up by old boy and his “say guhl, lemme holla atchu.” Besides, you saw that “save me” look on my face, you know you did
LOL I thought that was a look of interest on his part. And he looked like he was having a good time…
Now I know. Gotchu next time. ;p
Supposed to be a superhero and whatnot, can’t even rescue a girl from an obnoxious man with oily hands. Tsk tsk on you sir lol
I’m more on “Kick-@$$” level than on “Spider-Man” level, but I’m gradually moving to “Robin” level.
Youth and inexperience will do that to you.
I loved Kick-@ss though. Admittedly he’s no Black Panther or Remy LeBeau, but he’d do nicely
…in any case. More rescuing, less kicking @ss.
#3….#3….is the loneliest number that I’ve ever seent!! Family, family friends, classmates, church family….I’m catching it at age 30…..”Girl you aint married yet?” AWKWARD!!!
#2…..try being the single one all the time at mandatory family functions, weddings are the worst needless to say.
The awkward moment in the relationship for me is when I realize he’s a bad imitation of the man he claimed to be. And not in a small insignificant way. He’s just a big lump of worthless.
yea that’s pretty bad…
@ Tes
“That awkward moment where you find your mom’s bootycall bag”
Sorry you have to find out this way, dear. Did you see my leopard print boxers in the bag? can’t find it. Your mum also told me you got some friends with daddy issues – I would need their phone #s and liquor of choice.
Your step dad,
mandela
That pic looked like something you would see on Family Guy
Except it wasn’t…
I hope they caught the guy
That dude doing the telecasting is a news personality in the Long Beach / Los Angeles area. I saw him on t.v. not too long ago and laughed when I thought about the picture comparison above.
“That pic looked like something you would see on Family Guy”
LOL, right, except it’s real life. Funny you should say that though, because that dude could be the real life Ollie Williams.
When you expect to fight over every single insignificant thing and you do preemptive attacks regardless of if she was going to start arguing.
or when nothing is worth fighting for… everything is just “yea ok” no sarcasm, no snark, no attitude or eye roll, no emotion
Guilty as charged.
When the arguing gets so regular & so intense, my reaction is to let her win (just to get some peace). Eventually she caught on. And I think that killed the fire even faster.
Hmmmm… somebody else mentioned “peace”… starting to see a theme here.
I think we’ve mentioned before how valuable peace is. When the other person begins detracting from your peace, and you feel like life you be better without them around, it’s a wrap.
And I’ve been that dude. I used to laugh at the idea of a dude staying late at work just to avoid being around his woman… and then I became him (and $h!t wasn’t funny then). Deep down, I knew it was over, but I just kept lying to myself and saying we just had to work at it harder.
But if I’m staying late at a job I don’t even like, because that’s preferrable to coming home to you – what am I really working at? You live and you learn.
THIS @Yoles is the ultimate!
“or when nothing is worth fighting for… everything is just “yea ok” no sarcasm, no snark, no attitude or eye roll, no emotion”
MAN LISTEN. This is so much truth. A snappy/moody comeback (in my book) doesn’t mean it’s over for me, it’s when I just shrug if off that you should start worrying. It means I don’t care anymore…
That for me is a surefire way that I am exiting stage left… If I am just blah, indifferent…yup *nods head* that means I’m about a month into the detaching process. lol… Watch out for a breakup.
This is me. All day. Everyday. By myself. One pillow. No pillow case (S/O to Kevin Hart). When i get to the point where im saying “yea whatever” to everything you say or to every argument that you try to start, that means out of the bag of f**ks that i have, i couldnt give you one.
Funny that I’ve never materialized this myself. But I must say, this is very truthful.
Nothing on the post but I am downloading as I type. I will comment on the music shortly.
i’m with you e-sis… i’m just here to observe
No story time today Yolie???
I know right.
You know she’s got some good ones. But I’m happy for the company and we don’t need to share all the time, right e-sis?
i actually haven’t ever been broken up with -from a serious relationship-before and the others just went with the fade away either on my part or theirs… but i am very curious about people’s stories and human nature and how people fall out of love etc… so i will be here asking questions, being nosy -respectfully of course- and taking notes
Really? Guess I’ll just follow you around then. Maybe I’ll learn something useful.
Loving the mixtape so far…Only about halfway through and American You is my favorite but Chicago is a very close second.
Might have to upgrade you to a 3.1 for this Peej.
LOL. Cmon.. AT LEAST a 3.72!
love the mixtape…
I agree with your post. its definitely real!
I never thought abt statement abt women not wanting to look like they made a mistake in xhoosing a man, but its true. u think ur judgement is right on. :-/
i really think that’s the culprit in most failed romances which is why it takes so long for women to break up with a dude. if she breaks up with him, its admitting she was wrong. if he breaks up, its that he f*cked up and didn’t realize the good thing that he had. he blew it. he wasted her time.
not that she was wrong, but she HAD her time wasted. it harkens back to Champ’s martyr post from last week. as long as she’s done wrong, then order is restored. but breaking up with a dude and letting him go…that’s admitting that your heart can’t be trusted sometimes. hard eggs for anybody to swallow. but for a woman’s ego? boulderdash.
Reading this I randomly think about
There’s Power in them Rollin’ Hills #JillScott and her Light of the Sun album is the ish ….
anywhoo…some people will put up with the most bs but stay because they got d&ckmatized or p*ssywhupped..relationships are complex…but sex at times clouds judgement
“at times clouds judgement”? I think s*x always clouds one’s judgement. You either get addicted and overlook his stingy, inconsiderate can barely hold a convo asss or you overlook a really nice well rounded guy because he couldn’t put it on you. #I’mnotspeakingfrompersonalexperienceoranything, er I just heard about this from my homegirl.
its so true though.. sex & the hormones associated thus make everything cloudy
yup. that’s why my skies are clear.
hahhaha!!! Liz!!!! Showin’ out girl!
hahaha!
Yeah, true, ’cause on the flipside spending holidays alone isn’t so excusable when the sex isn’t great….
Good sex’ll have you sayin, “well he prolly went to Europe to get my gift and that explains the lack of reception too.”
I just had a post about this yesterday on Facebook. Sex just outright makes us stupid! Our judgement is cloudy cause we’ve turned off our brains and turned on our hearts. I don’t think would be so emotional if they never had sex. When I think about it, the most level-headed woman I know, is a virgin. When she makes decisions, it is based on facts, never cause of something she “feels”. I envy her (kinda) because of that.
But I think there’s a switch in our veejays that powers off our ability to be logical
i put a link down thread about this exact thing re: woman and what happens when the s.ex takes control of her heart and mind its 10 mins long but oh so very very very interesting
i be trynna tell folks it’s real drama-less on the celibate side of town! way easier to cut dudes off when they act up. easier to spot the ones who are worthless or who think they’re about somethin but aren’t. and you’re more productive in other areas of your life.
Maybe for some people. If I’m getting it like I want, as much as I want, I am as cool as the otha side of the pillow. I’ll drop dudes for making me wait five minutes. I’ve done it. Let me go two weeks without some, I get all clingy, emotional, and make bad decisions, staying with guys I should drop.
With men-being more emotional than women- any number of things could be the final straw. Stay on top of your “A” game. Lack of passion is for a “type” of guy. But like he said love language notwithstanding, sex is probably the biggest hint a guy would employ.
Would it be any different for a woman? A teenager? A mid-ager? What affects this rule?
Wait…Men are MORE emotional than women? When did that happen?
oh you bought the hype??? Thought y’all knew….if y’all ain’t even know that…smh
Apparently, y’all been lied to
men are def more emotional than we give them credit for. they also compartmentalize and ho around to get thru their emo times. when u look at ti that way, yeah they’re way more emotional than women.
B.Brown’s post…I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be…..j/k
TRUTH.COM, I ain’t even gonna lie, I’m in love with you for having the cones to say this. Mad props.
Colo.es
Cojones
I disagree. Yes, of course, I will acknowledge that men have emotions, but I wouldn’t say that necessarily makes us emotional. I will go even further (though I’m only speaking for me at this point) and say though I’m always aware of both my emotions and those of the people I’m interacting with (High EQ if you will), I seldom let my emotions dictate my actions.
And that’s how Sexy Bottom Face rolls. *drops mic*
(picks up mic)
This was my thinking. And this is how I am too.
(drops mic and chortles at Sexy Bottom Face)
“With men-being more emotional than women-”
Additional Humans Requested.
Additional Human 1–code name Alpha, reporting for duty.
I didn’t actually mean to detract from the direction of the post or the comments. But maybe in your personal lives you can think about #1 why it matters #2 why you believe what you do #3 why a guy would actually claim to be more of something that is socially not cool for a guy to be in the first place….and that’s where the questions begin & can stop. Cause once you answer those, the remainder of the questions only matter when they matter.
Truce???
Do I still need more people? Cause I don’t think we can fulfill that quota simply based on a few of the sociological constructs concerning men and their volunteer strategies.
@S.B.
The line I quoted is not something one hears everyday, so I made the request for more humanoids. But considering I am not emo by any stretch, nor know of a lot of ninjas that live in their feelings I couldn’t speak to it. Also, keep in mind that a lot of things that were not ‘socially cool’ become that way over time, so if this is a trend, only a small sample is needed.
Who is going to go and recruit these humanoids to testify before you that they actually have a more emotional self than women? Surely you do not believe I’d go out and search for such a creature. Just use the bitter dudes that come here, half functioning and despondent at the….ykw….the fact that there are less black men is all the evidence I need. Think about it….seriously. Check..please…mate. Aha!
Additional human here. Guys do so many things based on fear. Fear of rejection, fear of looking gay, fear of appearing thirsty or desperate, fear of not being in control. In my experience, guys are basically ruled by fear. And attempts to hide it, with anger and faked disinterest.
i could easily flip this around for women. while i know my fair share of emo dudes i’m not sure its even remotely fair to say that men are more emotional than women. i’ll put it this way:
a man’s emotional reaction has the potential to cause way more damage than a woman’s since we don’t know how to handle most of our emotions b/c we’re supposed to suppress them. so somebody will prolly die.
however, women, en masse, are more emotional than men b/c let’s just be real, it’s in a woman’s nature to be emotional.
Ain’t nothing worse than a man who cannot keep his emotions under control. This type of man usuallys lets his emotions dictate how he conducts himself in life. Notice I didn’t say that there’s nothing worse than an emotional man. We’re all human and thus, we have emotions.
Being emotional isn’t the issue. But the folks who are ruled by their emotions and let them run wild and dictate what they do, when, the intensity and such ALL THE TIME that give a bad name to emotionally expressive people (men, especially.)
Perhaps, this really does sound far fetched but if you don’t believe me and aren’t open to the idea that what I say could be well founded then there is no purpose in me defending that perspective either, unless you going to research it real quick
Being emotional and acting on emotions in a dramatic fashion is two different things. Men are more emotional, but they front. But their actions and the fronting are based on the emotions. Fear. Men often try to act the opposite of what they feel, a lot of times. This causes all kinds of confusion and drama. The drama might be acted out by other parties, but the one fronting is perpetuating a fraud and provoking drama. That is still being ruled by emotion.
Simple example. Happens to me all the time. I go to a club, and a guy paces in front of me glancing to see if I will pay attention to him. Because he’s afraid of approaching or afraid of looking like he’s too interested or afraid I might reject him. He’s acting on emotion. Might not look dramatic, but if he wasn’t so emotional, he would just walk up to me and say hello.
Ehhh. You say fear, I’d say lack of confidence. Someone who is more comfortable around people, whether trying to pick-up women or not, is going to handle that much better. #KanyeShrug
I wouldn’t say more emotional but just as emotional….especially about love! Take it from someone that grew up with an older brother, cousins, and a DADDY! The difference is they smoke, drink, fight(with random people mostly), workout, work/hustle harder, and of course hoe around instead of “talk” about it, however they usually have one person they confide in….just one though and best believe that person is gonna take whatever is discussed to their grave! Women do all of those things too, but we will tell the world our problems, including write Steve Harvey Letters, Cry, post it on FB or Twitter. Men do a much better job at hiding it, but I IMO it all comes out in the wash cause love is stronger than pride, see Sade.
I saw what you did there with the Sade song. Nicely done
As much as I hate being vulnerable (due to recent experience), here it goes…
I probably walked out on (one of) the best things that I had going for me at the time. We were damn near inseperable; I was working and doing summer school, and when I wasn’t doing that, she was taking up the rest of my free time. I saw her almost every day, and when we didn’t, we talked on the phone.
What winds up happening is one day, I start falling out of lust. I still had love for her, but I didn’t really see it going anywhere. Not helping was the amount of traffic of (beautiful) women, which (sometimes) made it hard for a dude to stay faithful. I wound up cutting with her.
The whole weekend, she kept calling me and asking me if I was sure. I wasn’t too sure until Saturday night. Then, on Labor Day, she came to my job looking for me. Her excuse being that she was looking for something for her brother, knowing she didn’t have money. It got to a point where I didn’t speak to her for a while after that.
but what was it THS… what do you think contributed to falling out of lust besides seeing other attractive women? you’ve seen other attractive women from the day you met her onward… what just turned off?
do you speak again now? are you still friends? lovers (on occasion)?
i know i ask a lot of questions but understanding human nature is one of my things…
i know i ask a lot of questions but understanding human nature is one of my things…
It’s all good. We all grown here (or in other cases, we pretend to be, but work with me…).
do you speak again now? are you still friends? lovers (on occasion)?
We talk again. Still friends. She’s in another state, but we communicate via phone, Facebook or Twitter (whatever floats the boat).
what do you think contributed to falling out of lust besides seeing other attractive women? you’ve seen other attractive women from the day you met her onward… what just turned off?
One day, it hit me that I had fallen out of love with her. I felt like…I was being smothered… I don’t think we never gave each other time to miss each other.
Like I said, most of my free time went to her. I didn’t mind for a while, but…it gets old real quick. My youth (19 years young at the time) didn’t help matters, so I felt we needed to break out. Which was not the smartest decision, I can tell you that.
oh seems like the ole “too much too soon”…
i understand both sides.. youth is a time expected to explore, make mistakes, try on autonomy so its a shock to the system when something really good is right in front of us… and being young usually means that you don’t have the maturity of thought to calibrate and balance things out… time is on your side and stranger things have happened in this world we live in THS… i’ll send positive vibes into the universe for you ((((((HugS))))))
*blushes* Thanks, Yoles.
Women… let this be a lesson. Did you see what happened here?
“she was taking up the rest of my free time. I saw her almost every day, and when we didn’t, we talked on the phone.”
It’s this way with a LOT of men. Again, the woman needs to drive. Men will do a burn through a relationship if you let them. Got to know how to slow dat sht down and take it slow. It’s sometimes hard for a woman to do tho because they are in it just as bad. If you’re lady had made herself less available to you, it may have been different. Just sayin’
While I agree that too much time together kills relationships, I disagree that you should limit your time together, because “too much” is subjective. I feel like if “too much” time is gonna kill the relationship then it does because you (or he) found something out that he would just find out down the line and it would probably kill the relationship too. Plus I just feel in general that if you are in a relationship or dating and both of you want to be together every waking moment, then you should. And if that changes, then you should both be adult enough to bring that to the attention of the other party.
I think the whole “don’t spend ‘too much’ time together” rule is just another one of those relationship games we play (like the 3 month rule, or the “don’t answer the phone until the 3rd ring” rule, or the “don’t always call back” rule). And I think they are all garbage and only prolong the inevitable
…But I also suck at dating, so…
Well, the flip side of that is this…
“I still had love for her, but I didn’t really see it going anywhere.”
If they slowed down a bit they may have been able to envision or talk about how they wanted that to look several months or years down the line. If they couldn’t see that (as he states) and she couldn’t see that, that could have been a conversation and she could have detached better. As it is, it appears she wasn’t given the opportunity to know where he was coming from by showing up at his job and sht. Detaching from a relationship is an art that takes practice.
And THS, thanks for opening up and letting us talk about your experience. I am not in any way intentionally trying to make this uncomfortable for you. But, you’re story has some very tell tail signs. We can’t always see it when we’re in it.
i agree with you Imperfect… that making yourself less available is a game… but it is founded in truth.. what it really should be is: continue to live your own life… have hobbies, work, other friends & family… be well rounded, a joy to be around, missed when you are not… relationships are part shared experiences and part enhancement… how can you enhance someone else’s life if yours is totally wrapped up in theirs? what are you bringing to make this experience more pleasant.. where is your ying to their yang?
Exactly. By no means was I implying any type of game. Folks just need a little time for the euphoria to wear down. It’s a whole lot of chemical processing going on in the brain and if you give it time it will wear off, and then you see if you have a sustainable relationship. I am in no way about games when it comes to real relationships.
I totally agree with that. I think a lot of times tho, we are trying to find ourselves in a relationship and we end up building ourselves aeound that relationship
True. Some folks do this. It is better tho (and someone said this here) that you go on with your life and invite the other party in where it fits. Dudes will cut and run in a heart beat if they feel smothered. Those that don’t are probably not the types you want to be with anyway as they tend to be abusers.
Apparently, pic switching is one of your things too
yes i change my avi a lot i’m trying to audition for Mo-VSS the group but i think my face stays the same no matter how many different hair styles or facial expressions i do… this is my mean mug by the way.. i’m trying it on for size
Mean mug?
That’s dat face u gotta give people at the AssociatedI thought gem and the goon squad had that locked. Aight, I see you!As for that group, you and Mo-VSS prolly neck and neck at this point. I can’t keep track.
are you saying that i do the different faces things?!?!? ahh yea
It doesn’t look mean to me. Looks kinda sad. And a sad Yoles makes a sad TAC.
no don’t be sad e-sis.. that really was me trying out my mean & disinterested look… oh well back to the drawing board..
#stillhappy&glittery
LMAO
i dont ever do a neutral or god-forbid attempt a sexy look in pictures
i end up looking smad (word to my boy bj3) – sad AND mad.
i’ll stick to the toothy grin!
LMAO, y’all are hilarious.
I am taking apps though
I see you gotcha “sweet goon face” on yoles. lol
PJ and Champ should suggest for Friday’s post we should have an Avi coming out party…..Everyone with a blank or non pic avi show yer mug for one day! Then change it back on Monday if you wish…Whatcha think?
Tx sweet goon face- i like that… i’m keeping it!!! i might cite you, i might not
as for the avi coming out party… i COSIGN
bring em out, bring em out!!!!!!
i thought about doing it for my bday. we shall see…
This post was alllll troof.
Add to the list: That awkward moment when:
1. You have to have the “no more ex-sex cause I’m getting serious with someone else” talk
2.One party fails to mention the break-up to their mom/best friend/child/probation officer/therapist etc. and the other person is left to explain suddenly
3.You BOTH know its over but continue to stay in the relationship & someone approaches the two of you when in public together like “so, when are yall getting married?” *Long,awkward pause ensues*
I’m on #3, I think, it is super uncomfortable.
The awkward moment when you are over the relationship, but your partner is still invested.
The best time to break up with someone is after a vacation. “Hey, I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks (or more), you lasted this long, why not forever?” Okay, maybe thats cruel. However, most of the successful break ups I’ve seen happened after a person was away or out of the country for a while.
we went on vacation together, then i had a longer one away by myself. he keeps trying to make dates, but i keep finding chores that need doing
i feel bad/guilty, i know i need to just rip off the band-aid, but…i do this a lot, so i keep hoping the feeling is temporary.
i say talk to him, be kind, be honest and open and most importantly truthful, let him know that you care about him so much that you don’t want to hold him back, tell him that it hurts to let him go but you know its the right choice… so he can be free to be in the type of relationship that he is supposed to be in, that the time you had together was a learning experience in love, joy, happiness and good times and you want him to take that with him where ever he goes…
the longer you wait to cut the cord the more likelihood of getting infected… remember the good times and end it before what you had with him festers and becomes rotten
unsolicited advice i know, i’m sorry but i saw you posted twice
I like… I like
“What’s the moment when you know the relationship is ending?”
When the quality time is no longer important. If I stop caring how much and what quality of time we are spending together, then this usually means I am checking out, and preparing to move on….
SN: Digging the mixtape thus far P! I’ve only made it through a few songs, but so far I particularly like Skyline (makes me feel like it should be in the background of one of the s.ex scenes between Prince and Apollonia in Purple Rain, at least the first 1:20) and Chicago (actually like the music, and not just the title of the song, lol).
the slow-relationship-death is the WORST.
((((((HUGS)))))))
wishing you the best sis
> And the most akward moment for a man is the moment he realizes that he no longer wants to sleep with a woman.
Yeah, been there. I have a very strict no-smanging policy during her red-days…but
*** gross alert ***
she insisted & said it was over with (blame it on her hormones). Next morning, I saw something roll down her thigh as she come down the stairs.
END. OF. THE.
FANTASIESEVERYTHING!!I acted like a punk & didn’t say sh*t, bcoz I didn’t know what to say; or how. Eventually (2 months) later, I did. The talking helped but I just couldn’t get past it. Action was definitely shut down for like 3 months but that communication thing helped. TheGeneral wasn’t having it & never returned to the same passion but…..moral of the story is==>Communicate.
How old were you, like 17???
you’d think, right? A couple of years ago. Mid-twenties.
Ehhh. It’ll grow on you. lollll.
LMAO @ Liz!! Ha!
LMAO
Yes it will
Oh woooow. I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing. For her I’m sad and for you I’m mad. She shoulda had a waiting period after that thang! I totally understand your shutdown!!
When she was walkin’ n you saw the red slide, I know that was like suppressing your inside scream….done!
No it does’nt. I’ve been with my wife for a minute and she can say spotting and I’m shuttin it down until all pads are spot free.
hell yes………
vampire am i not
she insisted & said it was over with
Happens all the time… Chill out, it won’t kill you.
and i was thinking about how it really could be over and the act of coitus can re-start it again temporarily…
but it really won’t kill you… of this i’m sure
LOL yah not really problematic imo
@ yoles especially if he came up and planted you with a passionate kiss.
Kissing and caressing is fine & all. But no coitus.
@Yoles: I know, i know….it probably won’t kill me; but its a mental thing. I need to be sure the type of lubricant is what I think it is.
(maybe its just me, but definitely not on the same day it rains! What if it starts pouring while I’m in there ploughing away?
{{ shivers }}
Or worse, during a Vagitarian dinner?! No bueno. )
If there hadn’t been an “all clear” assurance, perhaps I wouldn’t have gone in. Images just started popping up at the most inconvenient times making it hard to get aroused.
@ Simba & Yoles
I’m talking about that woman who says it’s done until next month now handle the box and then feigns innocence when her friend is there and you’re left looking crusty with jacked up sheets that oxi clean can’t fix.
This is why the Love Lockdown must be in place.
sigma
i understand what you’re saying its unpleasant and can be scary if not prepared for it… and i am saying
1) the cycle can be over but the act of coitus brings it back- a woman can be telling the truth because she has seen the all clear but…
2) sad news but in actuality there is no 100% safe day… a woman can experience ‘break through bleeding’ (vaginal bleeding between her cycle which can last minutes to days) for a myriad of reasons including but not limited to, birth control, fibroids, previously injured cervix, hormonal fluctuations, disease, pregnancy etc
#medicalfacts
@ Yoles
I know. For me the Love Lockdown is just my way of being EXTREMELY sure much to the chagrin of my wife. She claims I was scarred (probably true) and not she (and her friend) must suffer as a result.
I have a similar policy Simba; you’re not alone.
No running red lights here. I hate my time of the month and feel at my least sexsi then. Just no.
@ TheAnti-Coll running red lights flatline funny. I haven’t seen you since our “encounter” with Jill last week.
I should invest in a spell check. Sorry about that.
When she gains 40 pounds and every time she looks in the mirror she thinks about how she needs to get her hair done.
LOL!!1!
I hate that. Not knowing how to say what I really wanna say without getting smacked with a hot comb
But you know what, when said with good intention, most women will appreciate an honest opinion from a man- even when it’s a criticism.
Errrr no. If I didn’t ask, don’t offer unsolicited advice… I have eyes, if I put on 40 lbs I know it and I’m certainly trying to work on it and/or am fine with it. Either way, if you don’t like it, bounce.
Exactly…there’s no way anyone (male/female) is not noticing they’ve gained 40lbs.
Nah homie.
> What’s the moment when you know the relationship is ending?
1. When communication shut down (we started arguing over nonsense). She always wanted to win, even when she was wrong. I tried to walk thru the logic but one of us was using reason the other was using emotion. Literally every single thing. Including my assertion that I prefer female voice over the male voice on a GPS gadget!
When you start dreading every conversation, even the ones you’re (as a guy) going to let her win anyway. That sh!t is done.
I found out it was over between me and my ex about an hour ago. We’d been going at it sexually for the last couple of months. I was ****WINNING**** but when she tried to jump my bones this weekend I politely declined. I wasn’t in the mood and I was just having a good time with her and my son as a family, again. She was irate. She told me yesterday that she felt like she was getting “Turned Out” and didn’t like the feeling of not being in control of her feelings sexually. I thought it would blow over and tried to oblige her tonight but she was having none of that. She said the feeling of not being in control didn’t sit well with her and we would no longer be sexing. I explained to her that there are a lot women who would give their right arm and some both their left and right arms to feel “Turned Out” just once in their lifetime and she was giving it up. What makes me upset is that she is putting her need to be in control above us putting our family back together(we were married and have a 2 year old.) Her need to be in control is what lead to our divorce in the first place. Tough situation.
an hour ago??
oh man… i’m sorry.
that wound is too fresh for me even to do anything but give you an e-hug!
damn homey. sorry to hear that.
Damn. Sorry to hear that, bro.
That really is tough situation.
Sorry to hear that.
What I hate about ending a relationship is that when I’m ready to end it, he always has something personal that I want back. I always have to figure out how to keep the charade going long enough to get my isht. back, or figure out if it’s worth trying to get back.
Note to self: stop lending your stuff out
Note to self: stop lending your stuff out
May this be co-signed and, how do you say? “Made a T-Shirt”?
What kind of guy wants to keep his (ex-) girl’s stuff anyway? That seems like a violation.
Maybe his ex-girl had a nice music collection. I know that if I have a copy of Pete & C.L.’s The Main Ingredient, you’re not getting that back, no matter what your gender.
I can’t tell you how much stuff I’ve lost.
I don’t lend anything out these days…lol
this one hit home…good post…eye opening…foolish little ol me i was
Here you go again Panama. (rolling eyes) You puttin the man in the driver seat of the relationship. Ladies, NEVA let the man drive. You know they can’t so why would you even let that happen? Where’s that video about how much power a d*ck has against a woman’s vajayjay? NONE!!! ZERO. NADA. We control dat sht. And, when they start acting like they all dat, umph, let dat go. Better yet, put that mofo out!
(they like a strong woman, remember?) LOL
Okay, so if you’re talking about emotional attachment, it happens to men just as much as women. Both will get over it once they learn to deal with the release phase.
Ironically, I’m sitting here typing this thinking of a friend of mine and my phone rings. It’s him. My identifying ringer for him is a barking dog. LMAO!!!!!!! We have that sort of ‘connection’, psychic sht.
Anyways, I told him once that a relationship I had with another dude was a mistake. He said no relationship is a mistake (tho I kind of disagree still). But, I’ve been reading a book that got me to thinking about that because this same subject was in the book. It stated that no relationship is a mistake and there are reasons people come into our lives — and subsequently leave. Sometimes it is to work out some sort of karma or prepare you for the next relationship. Whatever it is I believe wholeheartedly if a relationship feels like work (a rusty wheel, a drag, no fun, no communication, too many misunderstandings) it’s not the right relationship.
You’re not getting rejected. There is no such thing as rejection. It’s just not the right fit. On to the next one.
nillalatte when you wrote: “Where’s that video about how much power a d*ck has against a woman’s vajayjay? NONE!!! ZERO. NADA.”
i could not help but think of this… forgive me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAwLYJYsa0A
as for this:“There is no such thing as rejection. It’s just not the right fit.” this is PURE TRUTH life’s lessons
LOL… Yoles… found it… this is the one that was shared here a while back. I died!
http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DkJzf2kRfEEw%26feature%3Drelated
“Women will be all up in the bed at night, tryna sleep, tossing and turning. They dreaming about it-Lawd, hab mercy!- they wake up out dey sleep….”
I forgot how hilarious she was. Thank you Yoles. The vid has over 500K views. I’m laughing so hard, that I’m crying right now. She’s great, lmao.
she is the funniest so passionate about her “work”… but she does speak some truth or so i heard
I’m dying at how she gets so excited between 3:00 and 4:20 that it’s hard to understand her…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dk-HLqdWNc&feature=related
LOL… she is something else!
you don’t have to ask them a gotd*mn thing!!!… they don’t be arguing and nitpicking…
lmfao. why she had to stop to drink some water doe’? really?! im rollin right right now
“There’s no such thing as rejection”
That’s an interesting assertion. What’s behind this theory?
If you feel rejected, it’s like someone saying you were unworthy of [their] love. A confident person realizes that they have worth as a loving, caring, and soulful individual. Rejection is an interpretation [of an action i.e. leaving], not a reality. You have no fear of releasing someone who is not a good fit in your life whether they leave first or you do because the relationship is no longer healthy. There is no blame, it’s just not the right fit.
beautifully said!!!!!!
I think I needed this nillalatte.
One time for this moment of clarity. Thank you nillalatte!
preach.
your entire comment reads like a beyonce song. do with that what you will.
LOL… hey I’m mostly about the fun and I thought it was more of a JayZ song. *shrug*
nope. all Beyonce. one of those non-sensical female anthem songs that sounds good in voice but when you pay attention makes no sense at all. yep, one of those.
volley.
When the very idea of talking to him makes you find random chores to do and things you’ve been putting off suddenly become imperative to accomplish at that moment. I think, for women, when we’re into someone we want to involve them in every part of our lives. And I accomplish that by talking, texting, chatting, etc. Once I reach the point where communicating with my dude is a pain instead of a pleasure, I have to cut my losses.
It is hard, however, to admit that my choice of man was a mistake. I like to be right all the time
I have only been in 2 real relationships and both times I broke it off. I did this because I got bored with the relationship. I know when its over when I just don’t feel like talking to him anymore. I’m not the sink with the ship type. (I think Jack in Titanic was dumb as hell, he just met the broad, what does he know about love?)
I understand the loss of sexual attraction. A lot of times what makes you want to sleep with someone is more than just looks, so when all is left is looks its like “meh” its not worth the emotional trauma.
This post could not have been more timely. To be honest, as a dude, i don’t think not wanting to chex is the kiss of death, it’s not wanting to talk/listen. Communication is key, even if that sounds cliché. If i feel consistently worn out to the point of not wanting to vibe, the chex might just be the last straw — people use it to keep a semblance of happiness/normalcy in a relationship, and it often just inflates a sagging relationship that was already empty with false hopes.
as for the music, PJ, quite cinematic. Props for your use of loops and whatnot, since I know folks who don’t play instruments have it a LOT tougher than us musicians in the production room. keep on experimenting.
ditto
If anything sex is what keeps you hanging around longer than you should. Or so I thought… When you don’t care if they come over, don’t care enough to argue, don’t care to hang out with them that’s when you know it’s probably over.
You know, I was going to post something. I really was. But instead, I’m taking the 5th on this one. Straight jacking the 5th. Mattafac, if anybody need the 5th from here on out, you’ll find it in my pocketbook tucked snugly under my left arm. Kthanks.
LMFAOOOOO @ Boo!
LOL!!!!!
I know I’m too emotiional cause this article just literally made me frown. Lol. (But I’m sad)
This raises a lot of questions for me. I feel perplexed. But I’m not. I guess I’m just reluctant to believe that much of a relationship can be based on sex…Maybe I’m not understanding you right. Are you saying that a relationship cannot survive without sex? Or is it just that a relationship cannot survive without a sexual attraction?
It’s a lil discouraging, especially since I’m trying to revamp my dating life, which is just Imperfect for I am trying not to have sex with anyone I’m not exclusively dating.
I don’t know. Cause I think we think we can fix anything with sex! And I know that’s not true…but then does that mean if he stops having sex, that we shouldn’t even try. Is sex then even a Band-Aid? When do you know that this is happening? Is the initial thought literally “I don’t want to ever have sex with her again” or is that just an afterthought?
im not PJ but what i got out of it is: a dude can have sex with you when he’s mad at you, when he thinks your acting up, when you don’t look your best, when you are on your rag, when he doesn’t really feel like it but you want it, when he’s bored, when he’s tired but not sleepy etc… but when it gets to a point that he rather look at the pictures in king magazine than get on off on you he knows its done… for men sex is usually the last thing to go (from what i understand) sometimes they can’t stand you but they can still beat it up… IMO of course
IMO relationships can survive anything that both parties work to overcome.. be it sex, lack of sex, outside sex, substance abuse, domestic violence whatever… it just has to be decided.. is it worth all the blood sweat and tears? do i love, cherish, care about, like (this is very important just liking someone, wanting to be around them, enjoying talking to them etc), see a good future with them if we can just get past this?
I guess I’m just reluctant to believe that much of a relationship can be based on sex…
Ikr! I would love to believe that sex doesn’t carry as much weight in a relationship as it does, but time and time again it proves to have a pretty substantial role. I do agree that a relationship won’t survive without the attraction, but if all you’re doing is having sex, was it really gonna last anyway?
@Yoles, very well said. I totally agree.
IMO $ex is the last thing to go, and yes we can still give it to you under bad conditions…
…but if it ever gets to the point that we’d rather be AWAY from you than doing anything else (including $exing you…)
…start updating your relationship resume. It’s over.
That’s some (lord forbid!!) bad sex there too. I couldn’t believe how that good gushy turned into the equivalent of some TPS reports. Ladies if you gotta damn near beg for the peen, he REALLY ain’t trying to go that route with you.
I think he’s saying that once $ex is introduced; the lack of it usually indicates a problem. I think most TV psychologists have stated that when couples stop having $ex there are obvious underlying issues.
Yoles, I think you are spot on. Even if a dude is mad at you he’s not going to withhold $ex. IMO, a man will have $ex no matter what is wrong and it is often an expression of affection. He may try to play tough for a night, but he will show you that he aint that mad. When dude stops caring whether you are having $ex, there’s a major problem.
like (this is very important just liking someone, wanting to be around them, enjoying talking to them etc)
^^^^This right here is like comment gold! People don’t understand the importance of liking someone.
The butterflies you used to get when you thought of them or when their name popped up on your phone. The little smiles at just the thought of someone, genuinely enjoying their time, thoughts and showing and giving affection. Those are things you do with people you like. I want to love my future husband with all of my heart, but my biggest desire is to like him and continue to like him for as long as we both shall live.
Some days I’m not all that much in love with my husband, but I like the hell out of him. Love will make you wanna kill a nucka, but LIKE will make you not do it. The fact that I LIKE my husband is what keeps me from murdering him when the rusty spoon moments crop up.
Yesterday was one of those days, when I was very glad I did like that man… *smh*
Like is a the best thing ever. Love is just not enough, you have to genuinely like the person too.
*sips tea and nods in agreement – tries not to slurp*
I think I get it…
1. When every little thing about that person is irritating:
The way they clear their throat all the time, the stupid jokes they make that you no longer feel obliged to laugh at, their annoying laugh that used to be cute… Time to call it quits.
2. When you start fights on purpose hoping that they’ll be the one to end things… you know you’re nagging but don’t care.
3. When simple displays of affection become a chore (i.e. goodbye kiss)
I let a relationship drag on for 2+ years after it was well and truly over. =/ I just couldn’t let it go that I’d wasted so much time with this one individual (7 years total). Now I think back on the guys I could’ve had something with, but my stubborn self just had to make it work. Ahh well, you live and you learn…
forgot to subscribe…
mannnnn….
mizzcam… you are preaching to me!
i’d prob be living in nyc if it weren’t for a couple of things on your list…
shiiiiid, I’d probably have gone to a different college, been living in DC instead of still being in Cleveland, been married w/ a myriad of chilluns’ (I’d like to believe), if only…
But I let myself be held back… Not even by him, by me! I was too caught up in not wanting to “have to start over,” that when the inevitable happened I was all messed up. I couldn’t get out of that funk of the aftermath of said relationship. Now I’m finally just getting back to where I’d like to be. Thank God I’m only 25 and this didn’t continue for longer.
I just focused on the parts of my life that I could control, and now I’m ready to be in a relationship (I think) that can last. Something about having matured and knowing when to let go…
that’s the hard part…to not spend TOO much time on the what if…
there is a reason for the season, whether we can see it or not…
Imma just come right out and say it
“Panama a.k.a always a 10 in my eyes, I LOVE THEE”
awww…thanks booboo.
just checkn in…got nothing to add, but ive only been in a handful of real relationships(feel free to make jerk-off joke, right……here)and the one that lasted the longest(5yrs…off and on) cause we were comfortable with each others “weirdness”.
I’ve never been in a real relationship. Not even sure what that would be for me.
The plot thickens.
*proceeds to lick face again*
*Licks the other side of TAC’s face*
Double up nucca!!
What is with all the face licking?! Y’all lucky y’all are cute. Otherwise…
And I don’t do doubles. I know I’m a lotta woman but not enough to divide the pie. Baduism.
Dunno about this one.
Been through two relationships thus far and their ends were a little more traumatic.
Honestly, the thought of breaking up makes me ambivalent about entering another relationship. I kind of like being happy and healthy.
Wow…ambivalent to relationships?!
With you being a VSS and all, we’re gonna need more elaboration on how bad the break ups were.
Now, we don’t want raw, popcorn and chips w/ the big soda long stories-you don’t have to put yourself out there like that-but a nice summary shedding more light as to why the break ups were so bad that you feel ambivalent towards relationships would be cool.
You had to know someone was gonna ask for more
lol unfortunately, people know me in these e-streets so I’m not trying to get that deep. I kind of lost my chance for anonymity when I put up a real gravi. *yeshrug*
But I will say that it wasn’t eating lots of ice cream and having my girlfriends come over and tell me he wasn’t good enough for me I envy women who have it like that
I’m sure I’ll grow out of this malaise at some point, but right now I feel like I have so much to do that it’s not worth it to have someone completely derail me.
“real gravi,” haha, #teamgraynwhiteallday
“I’m sure I’ll grow out of this malaise at some point, but right now I feel like I have so much to do that it’s not worth it to have someone completely derail me.”
This much, I understand because all of us VSBs and VSSs are all pretty ambitious. But I don’t know if you should look at it that way. Instead try to think of eventually meeting someone who will come along and enhance your life more than anything.
As for the thought of breaking up, nillalatte has a theory upthread about how to handle that
*sad eyes*
Don’t be sad my dear.
I can relate. All my past serious relationships (3) have ended badly. I guess I was able to move on because I felt like being scared of relationships was pointless. I wouldn’t meet a good guy by being too reserved to put myself out there.
You definitely have a point WIP. I guess I just feel young enough that I can afford to hang back for a moment.
Honestly, the thought of breaking up makes me ambivalent about entering another relationship. I kind of like being happy and healthy.
THIS. i’ve been jaded for a few years now. i don’t know what it’s going to take to really want to find that person who wants to make me try settling in to a life together but i just know it hasn’t happened yet. there’s a growing peanut gallery of folks around me that think i might be shooting myself in the foot by not trying harder but my personal history has taught me that when i try to swim upstream, i drown in my own tears. meh.
“my personal history has taught me that when i try to swim upstream, i drown in my own tears. meh.” <- THIS!
I knew you'd understand big e-sis.
+1
ditto..
Sometimes it’s not even the “trying harder” as much as it is “turning off the electrified razor wire fence, putting the pits on chains and sending the snipers in the tower on break”.
“I don’t know what it’s going to take to really want to find that person who wants to make me try settling in to a life together”
Don’t try. Just be. Meet people. Hang out. Get to know brothas without projecting too far into the future. Open your heart to love but don’t focus on forever. I can almost guarantee you that the love of your life will pop up out of the blue, but only when you are emotionally available to receive him.
*nods head while sipping tea… very ladylike*
been here. And we have kids, so there’s still some resentment and trauma there that simply may not go away
Yeah, The Awkward moment is a binsh (insert word for a female dog here), Pretty much when a relationship starts to feel like lots of work and you are not willing to put in the work then best believe its hover. I ll speak for myself, there has never been a time in the history of my n*ggadom that I would not want to beat. I might be mentally and emotionally distant but strip naked and I ll definitely take a dip.
I agree with Panama tho, the instant breakup is way better than the protracted drifting apart cos if you are a dude with a conscience you are not gonna “cheat” during the said drifting apart. Y’all gonna act like ish is cosy when its not.
This post make me think about Jill Scott cooking
This makes sense. I hate to say, but I can relate to so much that was said. It sucks. Relationships suck. An that penis power – huh…..truth. I hate it. I’m gonna log off now bc this is too much as I am still in post break-up phase….
One last thought….there isn’t a good way to break-up. They are all sad (if it was ever anything meaningful). Esp when u tried to create a future together. So no excuses.
This post was a lightbulb moment. I wish someone had shared this with me years ago because I would’ve spent a lot less time over-analyzing dead relationships, when they were just that: dead relationships.
What’s particularly painful/awkward is when one person is having the serious doubts, & the other person KNOWS it but pretends not to b/c they just don’t want to face it. & even when you really lay it out there that it’s over, that person still tries to ignore it. I still have a bag of my ex’s stuff that he refused to take w/ him over a year ago – he’ll make excuses to try & see me, & even when he talks his way in (to the house, not the drawz) that bag never finds its way out of my house. I’m gonna have to mail it I guess…
Now are you making excuses to see him by not getting rid of the bag? Mail it to him, LOL
Get one of them flat rate boxes…”if it fits, it ships”
“if it fits, it ships”
LOL! Love that you know the flat rate ad!
#sucessfuladvertising
#successful
I’m really not – the bag has become a fixture in the closet but I really do need to mail it already, agreed!
Red flags always fly up for me when a women describes either most or all the relationships she has as failures if they don’t end in a happy marriage till death.
@Panama do you have a streaming link of your musique ? I am too lazy to use mediafire
no streaming link. sorry.
Yo, PJ good look on the music….digging the tracks, definitely mood music (just fly is my joint). Interested in possible collabo in near future on some instrumental ish.
anyhoo
the awkward moment can be daunting…..I remember in a prior relationship, the moment I realized it was over. I came over for dinner with her fam and she had a male friend over. I could feel the energy shift and even though we’d been dating for while, the vibe felt like I was the friend and new dude was her man…..and the fam was cool with it. Pretty much the writing on the wall/ closing credits and allathat…lol
Wow that seems extra jerky on her part..like here’s your replacement, I hope you like him
damn.
That was cold of her! The fact that she even invited you. She could’ve handled it better.
well you know where to find me homes.
btw…ouch.
I agree with all that has been said and been in this situation before. We all kinda know when a relationship is over but I’m wondering how do you know when it’s forever? Seems like what we’re discussing here is a thin line between love & hate. I know happily married people who have encountered issues with communication, boredom, etc. What would make you stay? Yup I know…off topic as hell but this discussion is making me think about it. Anyway, let me check out this mixtape
I think, when you’re married, you just decide to stay. Marriages go through cycles (so I’ve heard) so one has to decide they will stick it out with the knowledge that ‘this too shall pass’ or whatever.
When you married, you lose your F-it factor. It’s harder to tell them f-it, f-u, get your dvd’s and step.
LOL, that’s what “for better or for worse” means- no more F-it.
F-it simply morphs into I REALLY don’t like you right now. When you stop putting in the work to get past that F-it moment then it’s over
*The Gyrlz song It’s Over playing in the background*
@aisha you dont know when its forever I dont think. I thnk thats the trick is that you take it day by day and work hard at growing together and staying connected. And as long as your willing to do that and want to do that its all good.
I like this.
Yup.
A priest said at a friend’s wedding that saying “I will love you forever is a boldfaced lie” because nobody knows forever. And marriage is not saying I will love you and commit to you forever, but rather waking up every morning and remaking that commitment every day… That’s what marriage is. It’s not a guarantee of forever, it is a willingness to renew the love for your partner every day.
I really liked it.
Marriage is all about one day at a time. That’s how my husband and I have been doing it for the past 12 years. Our thing is, when we wake in the morning, if we can look at one another and say, “Yeah, I can do this again today,” then we’re good. The day that something is that serious that we can’t answer in the affirmative, we have a problem. That problem isn’t necessarily unfixable, but it is clearly serious. Marriage does not offer a natural out, so the work aspect is a given. When married folks no longer want to do the work, then that marriage truly is dead.
This makes me think of my favorite Love Jones quote: “Falling in love is easy. Someone tell me how to stay in love.”
It’s over when you stop wanting to put in work
Work to talk
Work to meet in the middle
Work to seek to see things from the others point of view
To have a truly meaningful relationship, you must have all three because outsourcing any/all of these things will create problems as well.
Working to pleasure your partner
Damn tab key has my thoughts out of sequence!!!!
i’m following them sigma…
May they lead you to that square hiding in the corner and he can make it do what it do
Church on this topic, BIGTIME! When the relationship feels like work, it isn’t worth it. Also, there’s the broad assumption that the man did something wrong unless the woman cheated. No matter what you say, there’s always going to be some woman who says “well, if you did/didn’t do XYZ, you would have been fine!!!” Who cares if that would have been impossible in your case? In heterosexual relationships, it’s expected that the man has to be the one to put in more effort, because the woman is assumed to be giving her all.
Of course, there are certain situations where they aren’t able to. And I mentioned it in one of my other comments…and that’s about as much as I’m going to speak on it. Don’t want you peeps meeting me in person and knowing my wife’s deal from jump.
“What’s the moment when you know the relationship is ending?’
I’d venture to say it’s not that different for women. I knew things were headed south when I had lost so much respect for my ex I didn’t feel he deserved to have a physical relationship. I truly knew things were over when he stopped trying so hard to talk me into it. For me the moment is when I don’t want to kiss anymore and I feel annoyed at the impending kisses. That’s when I know it’s time to wrap it up.
“I knew things were headed south when I had lost so much respect for my ex I didn’t feel he deserved to have a physical relationship.”
“For me the moment is when I don’t want to kiss anymore and I feel annoyed at the impending kisses.”
Geeeez LOUISE!
“So ladies, start asking the right question when things go south. Instead of asking (as you all do) “do you still love me?” ask the more pertinent question…”do you still want to sleep with me?””
*cringe* Just thinking of the possible reactions… but yeah, that was deep. TWSS… well, not if her dude wants to break up with her.
So glad that you’ve decided to finally share your talents with the entire VSBluminati and the VSB-Nation! And ya know, not with South Beach. Yeah, decided I’d add another Lebron in there for good measure.
CAPTION SLAYED MY SOUL!
In regards to the post, I can almost say this is the same with me. Not so much, do I want to still sleep with someone, but at one moment, I’m oodles and oodles in like with you (no ramen). The next moment, you effen annoy the hell out of me and I get anxiety just the thought of being with you any longer than the very second this feeling came over me. Granted, it could be commitment phobia, or, it could be I recognized the douche in you.
Let’s say, your no desire to sleep with you theory is accurate 50% of the time. The other 50% could be a result of your doucheness, ie commitment phobia, womanizing ways, your homosexual desires surfacing, or all around, “I’ve realized smanging every girl in the world is my ultimate goal. DEUCES WILD (no pitty-pat)”
Interested to read the men responses on this one.
When I start to feel disgusted by his words, actions. I love hard in a “worship the ground he walks on”
psychoticway and when I start to feel that “you disgust me” feeling, it’s over…especially if the thought comes consistently. Also, when I start day dreaming about other men or a specific man over and over and over. I believe in that mental fidelity foolishness. I may briefly fantasize about other men/actors, etc but it’s brief and usually a single thought, etc. But when I’m fantasizing about your friend Darnell EVERY night before I go to bed…it’s over.Oh and when I start to lose respect for him. Respect is everything to me. If I don’t respect you, I don’t care how sessy and fahn you are, it’s over. To me, I can’t say I’d leave a man if he cheated, etc. I always say: if what he did, whatever it is…caused me to lose respect for him, it’s over.
Respect is HUGE.
YUP!
It’s er’thang!
“if what he did, whatever it is…caused me to lose respect for him, it’s over.”
This is pretty much it, right here!
…even if you’ve been married for 10 years and have 3 kids in tow. Say the thing he did (let’s assume it doesn’t involve cheating) to cause you to lose respect occurred while he was going through a depression, say it was a dumb mistake…..can that be salvaged?
The marriage can be salvaged, yes. But, rebuilding the respect will be a grueling process for both people. The one who “messed up” will almost be allowed “no mistakes” going forward (or at least until the respect is rebuilt) and the who lost respect will have to sacrifice the urge dwell on their SO’s “mistake” for the sake of the relationship.
Most of the time, this process takes years or is done for the wrong reason (e.g. sake of the kids). That is why most people decide to throw in the towel instead.
He’d have to build respect and rebuilding respect, like CNotes said, is hard. And trust me it takes ALOT for me to lose respect for a man I’m invested in. If we’ve been together 10 years, etc…it would take a great deal for me to lose respect. All I know is once it gets to that point, it’s all downhill from there unless the guy immediately recognizes what needs to be done to rebuild what is lost.
And CNotes hit the nail with this:
“Most of the time, this process takes years or is done for the wrong reason (e.g. sake of the kids). That is why most people decide to throw in the towel instead.”
I’m 100% with you on that one. I go all out when I love and, to some, they don’t understand why. That’s neither here nor there. But, because I’m so “in” when I’m in love a person would have to damn near destroy themselves, me or what we’ve built with heinous actions to get me to lose respect.
Ditto. We seem to be the same on this one. I think this is true love though. It’s the same old school love I used to see.
In my favorite movie Betty Blue the title character has a line along similar reason. ‘How could I love a man I don’t admire?!’ Always stuck with me.
‘How could I love a man I don’t admire?!’
That is the key for me… I have to admire my dude. It is extremely important.
I said the same thing last night. It makes sense how (in that book the 5 Love Languages) it indicates that what men need to feel valued in a relationship is “respect” and what women need to feel valued is “love”…
…but when the relationship is effectively over, those are precisely the things we realize we no longer have in our possession to give to our partners. Can I get a Michael Jackson Chamon?
CHAMON
Love and respect…great book. I suggest folks read it and then re-read it for effect.
CHAMON lol another blog writer turned me onto the 5 Love Languages, true sh*t. There are somethings we need in order to make it work. That’s why I can never answer those “what would you do if he did this” type questions or say what my deal breakers are or even what my type is. I really can’t say. It’s how a man makes me feel and what our dynamic is. If I lose respect, love, etc…we’re done.
It is so funny the book keeps coming back today… Yesterday I had one of those “convos” with the dude, and we realized that we are dealing with like 4 kinds of love languages… Lol… but ultimately, communications is the mother of all that is goodness in relationships.
…”Miscommunication has stole the Love Movement…”
*Yoles emoticons to whoever can correctly identify this verse*
“but ultimately, communications is the mother of all that is goodness in relationships.”
TRUTH.COM
this moment happens with women too, but most often when the trust of the relationship is broken in some way. Many women claim that they can get down with they physical only s.e.x but inside a relationship its about the mental, Its about not only the way he makes you feel physically but mentally, emotionally, its about connection on a deeper level and when that connection is altered its hard if dayum near impossible to get it back
and thats the awkward moment many women face. And its not only cheating that breaks this trust.
but most of the time we like to think we can work past this for the sake of not being single, of not being a statistic, to prove everyone else wrong. And then you wake up and he’s reaching over to touch you and you cringe….
yeah its over then.
Any man can sex a woman but not any man can take care of that woman and that’s what you are speaking on, the mental and emotional, and spiritual components.
“And then you wake up and he’s reaching over to touch you and you cringe….
yeah its over then.”
Preach the good word Shay-d!
When you’re only concerned about gettin yours (all the time) and not about fufilling your partner then it’s over. Let’s be real, we’ve all taken one for the team but when that shifts to too many I.O.U’s…..I’m just sayin.
BEST explanation I’ve read today
Yes! Yes! Yes!
This is also when cheating with a potential or actual girlfriend or new jump off is likely to happen to be a catalyst for a breakup.
I really do think a number of men are most likely to get “caught” cheating around that time.
Sidenote: pay attention to the quotation marks around the word.
THAT PICTURE!!!!!
#WEAK
now, to read the post….
This right here gets the 80s movie slow clap! It’s like this magic eye pictures, finally see the picture clearly and supports why I divorced my ex. I definitely agree that once a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you, it’s over. All those excuses re I’m stressed/depressed etc are bullsh!t.
“Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.”
it’s also the time investment. who wants to wake up and know that you had 1 good year and 2 bad ones? that you could’ve been out having good ones with someone else. or at least doing bad all by yourself?
and hate to be a girl and all (looks down at boobs..oh wait…) – but if you want to be a mother (and ideally a wife before you become a mother), the amount of time in which you can do that IS finite. and with each birthday, it can start the same slow and psychological torture that sneaks up on you
when miss patterson sendssee pics of adorable babies…ps: on another note…can’t wait to dl the chunes!
pps: apologize in advance for what is likely to be a strikethrough fail. lol.
The same can be said for men, who from first sight is putting time and effort into a chick only to find out she aint worth it. Men are reluctant to chalk up L’s and suddenly the girlfriend becomes just something to do in their spare time. and men will just string her along until he finds something better or she cuts the string no matter how long and awkward the situation is.
I said it last night and I’ll say it again “The Social Loaner” is LIKE THAT!
As for this post – it makes those unanswered break up questions women have clear I hope.
This is the total truth!
Sometimes a relationship is “physically and emotionally exhausting” (c) Derek Jeter
yea well….every relationship goes through those points at some point….isn’t that the meaning of committment, having some sticwithitness? Man ya’ll ready to throw in the towel fast!
so the relationship isn’t gonna show up to the all-star festivities either?
You nailed it more harder than a sledgehammer on a tack.
meanwhile cant hear the epicness that is the soundtrack!!!! its blocked at my job. Im very say..anyway I can get it in another format?? pretty please???
Same here. I gotta go through my phone.
Mr. Panama, sir….HAVE YOU BEEN DOING A “TRUMAN SHOW” ON ME!?!/??!!! Unfortunately this EXACT thing happened to me when I was living with a lady who I pursued for almost a year. I really had deep feelings for her which made it that much more difficult when I realized I had lost my desire to “hit” it. I even ask a doctor friend of mine about it, who was also a professional hypnotist. When I ask him if he could help me, I was crushed when he said..”chemistry is chemistry, I can’t do anything about that kind of thing”. Needless to say, the relationship died a slow and painful death.
I don’t have anything to really add to this cause honestly some of these responses, especially from the guys, are depressing me. I didn’t want to get all reflective and think about how some of these thoughts have been and are probably thought of me. SMH Don’t mind me..I’m just gonna go cry in this here corner and re-strategize to see if I can’t find me another
suckerprince charming.strike through fail…*
sucker prince charming@phi
me + vsb strikethrough = constant fail.
*sticks to strikethrough on gchat. lol.
What is your gchat thingy thing?
@malik…
i’ll dm via le twitter. aint trying to have vsb nation (i want this on tee btw) have my gubment name. lol.
hmmmm you just be gchatting it up with everybody hunh?!? Damn I thought I was special
see Phidelity this is why WE can’t have nice things!! as many brooklyn shout outs & co-signs we share i don’t have your g-chat
This just can’t be…we need nice things, wonderful things in fact! Can I give it to you in code seeing as this is all public and ish…naw matter fact I’m not even worried its watsons1976
Hole up! Yoles I aint got your gchat info! AAANNNND Phidelity don’t be chattin with me AAAANNNND Keisha I thought you only chatted with me?!
@SFG
yay i’m just bringing all the people to my yard…
add me ImYolie226@gmail.com i ain’t neva scared
request sent! Girl you brave posting your email on here lol
hahahaha
i never claimed to be a 1-chat woman.
#gchatpromiscuous
gchat hoochie!
lol.
im still no way as popular as cheekie.
you gotta get in queue to say hello.
-she’s gonna side-eye me HARD for this…i aint neva scurred tho-
*tee hee hee
“im still no way as popular as cheekie.”
o________________________O
This seems like a good place for a wall slide…
…no pressure or anything, just saying.
#WallSlidesWin
@strawberry blizzard (aka DQ)
i dont wallslide for strikethrough fails. that’s what a facepalm is for!
lol
Would you wall slide for a Klondike Bar? I’m just trying to establish what threshold of capital investment we need to get the ball rolling.
you mean what would i do for a delectable chocolate treat with a soft vanilla filling?
LOL ISWYDT.
-o.o- <–just in case it helps you to see better
You are sooooo fresh!! Hold ya hands out so they can be popped…
who moi???
#sofreshandsocleanclean
“This seems like a good place for a wall slide… ”
: )
Have you noticed, that still, no one has given me my obligatory wall slide? Them ninjas think they slick.
Doesn’t anyone have anything bad they can reflect on to compel them to wall slide and make me laugh? Is that so much to ask?
They don’t understand how crucial this is. Someone needs to make this happen…STAT!
(starts chanting)
Wall Slide!!…Wall Slide!!…Wall Slide!!…Wall Slide!!
*holds b-boy stance.
i shall NOT wallslide!!!
(Paging DQ)
I need backup! I got an extreme stancer who is resisting an officer’s request to Wall Slide!
Roger that CNotes.
Keisha Brown,
Don’t feel any pressure or anything but I hear that everyone that you hate is winning right now, there is plague of locust headed your way, you didn’t save a lot of money by switching to Geico, and the Zombie Apocalypse has been rescheduled to the day before your wedding…
…if you feel like wall sliding, you have my unqualified promise that no one will stop you.
*Steps away from custom built Wood Grain Lamentation Wall*
The floor, and moreover, the wall is yours. I trust you’ll do the right thing.
*looks at custom built Wood Grain Lamentation Wall
*wonders if I should hang a mirror or a nice painting on the wall
*jay-z voice: i will NOT lose
*maestro fresh-wes voice: i will NOT let my backbone slide (to the left left)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pzull7scV2Y
DEAD!
AND all I know is the moment a man doesn’t want to smang me, I don’t want him anymore. Eff working on the relationship. Sex is important. A relationship without the sexual chemistry is not a relationship.
doesn’t mean because he still wants to smag you doesn’t mean he wants the relationship either, he may continue to smag until something better comes along…I think the whole opremise of the post is faulty.
How many women believe to their detriment that because there’s smagging going on the relationship is solid, in the face of other evidence….and we are perpetrating this nonsense?
At this point everone is out for self. You know (or @ least I hope) everone is STD free and like nubiankween784 said you’re just waiting until you can find replacement X with the same credentials.
That awkward moment happened when I decided to watch Chadron State College play Pittsburgh State in the Division 2 Game of The Week than to go spend time with a girl.
man. done. and done.
#idied @ this whole comment.
are ya’ll really for real with this one? that’s really how you find out???? Come on, I hope no one is actually taking this one serious. I like the majority of your posts, but this one? B.S.
@nubiankween784
why?
I think the premise of the argument is faulty, not because a man wants to smag doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to continue the relationship with you. If his answer/reaction to the question is positive, he may simply want to continue to smag (because he likes it) until something better comes along. Even if he leaves for Ms something better he may still smag you on the side because well if he can have the cake and eat it too…..
It’s the silly goose mentality that equates smagging with love. A man can truly love a woman he’s never smagged and despise the woman he smags on the regular. You have to be able to reach people on a non-physical level for them to truly love you. How many women believe to their detriment that because there’s smagging going on the relationship is solid, in the face of other evidence.
while you might think its faulty (which is fine) that doesnt mean its wrong either. immediate reactions tell everything. trust and believe.
but i also think you missed the entire point. there are certain assumptions we have to make in order to have any convo. for instance, that smanging (not smagging) has taken place. that these are individuals for whom a love does or did exist. but you can love somebody who you have no desire to smang…and that’s how you get stuck in a relationship you dont want to be in b/c you’re trying to figure out why or what’s going on. or trying to fix it. and since men do translate a lot of our non-physical love into how desirable and sexxy we find our woman, it’s not only accurate…but you are wrong. lol.
oh, and silly goose deez.
lol, so you are sensitive about your ish, fiar enough. I don’t believe I missed a point at all, again I think it’s only fair to question a questionable point.
You argue a woman can ascertain the solidity of her relationship based on a man’s reaction to her question about their SMANGING (I can be corrected
) life? So you are basically implying that his answer can only imply one thing…..
1. the state of their relationship, (yes =solid, no = not solid)
I disagree, I think there can be a lot more behind a man’s answer to that question, it’s not so black and white. Sometimes underlying the answer are entirely selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the actual state of the relationship.
well yes. duh.
but the point is this…men expect to be asked if we still love you. its the default question women ask when sh*t aint going right. my point is asking a man if he still wants to sleep with you, while he may say yes, his reaction may indicate otherwise. body language is as vital is my point.
case in point.
back in 2002, i was dating a future ex-girlfriend. we had gotten into it about something or other but our relationship was on the rocks. she was constantly complaining (some deserved, some not) about me and our relationship. at one point, I straight up asked her, “you have all of these complaints about me…what am i good for?”
she had the most honest moment she ever had in life b/c she wasnt ready for that question. she fumbled that sh*t and stammered…and i told her that’s all i needed to know. she was like, “p, you’re good for lots of things and i love you” but it was too late. i aint dumb. i saw it in her eyes and reaction that she couldn’t come up with a single good thing to say at that moment. cuz i caught her off guard. that’s my point here. we aint expecting that. sure we’re going to say yes…what man is going to say “no” unless he’s FULLY ready to bounce. but reading between the lines is what many women (and some men) refuse to do b/c they dont want to know those answers.
so while you want to split hairs on what may literally happen bc he can say “yes” i’m talking about the reading b/w the lines and watching body language and how he responds. not what he responds.
but you disagree. cool. i disagree with your disagreeance. so we’re even steven.
Alright, thanks for clearing that up (though I’d appreciate much more clarity in the actual post, I kid I kid, I had to throw it in there, blame it on my love for bantering)
Now your example is very straight-forward and tangible, but it doesn’t always reflect real life. Sometimes body language aren’t so straight-forward, but hey we can agree to disagree.
i get the impression that you like to nitpick and refuse to accept generalalities on the premise that there is a technicality that prevents every axiom from being anything more than general theory.
is that about right?
to point out that my answer doesn’t always reflect real life…despite the fact that it WAS real life (my life) seems contrarian for the hell of it. basically…you need some alcohol.
lol, so now you know what I need Panama? get off your high horse…..I get the impression that you get upset and are given to making cheap shots when challenged.
calm down, do I have to agree with the posts? No it’s just my take…..alright…..I think you need a massage
BTW, drinks are on you….
never said you had to agree with my posts. dont care one way or another. i’m glad you have an opinion. but you do seem to be on some wholly refusing to accept anything since it doesnt jive with what you think steez either. which is fine. just dont pretend it aint.
and who’s upset? not I. i also dont take cheap shots. find one. lol. saying you need alcohol wasnt a cheap shot. saying you need jesus might have been.
and i probably do need a massage, thanks for the suggestion. and high horse deez.
You argue a woman can ascertain the solidity of her relationship based on a man’s reaction to her question about their SMANGING (I can be corrected
) life?
Have we been reading the same post?
What you’re saying is actually the reverse of what was said. The fact that you are smanging means nothing, at least based on this post… What the post is saying is this: “The moment a man (or Panama in this case) realizes that he has no earthly desire to smang a woman he actually loves or is in a relationship with then, he knows it’s over”…
It doesn’t say anything about whether the continuation of chexing implies that a relationship is solid. That was your deduction from the premise of the post.
“are ya’ll really for real with this one? that’s really how you find out???? Come on, I hope no one is actually taking this one serious.”
So, you don’t think men (who make MOST, if not all, decisions based on sex) know the relationship is over when they don’t wanna have sex with the chick anymore? If not, what do you think is the main indicator?
I don’t agree that Most men make almost all decisions based on chex, at least most mature men.
My main issue with this article is the following statement:
“His reaction, not his answer, will likely tell you everything you need to know about the future of your relationship. If that’s gone ladies, so are you.”
As I noted above, I think it’s faulty.
What you said here (well, it’s from way up there, but I’m down here… lol) is true,
“I think the premise of the argument is faulty, not because a man wants to smag doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to continue the relationship with you.”
But, what I think was meant by the post is not that him smanging seals the deal on the relationship but I DO think it’s pretty safe to say that if he no longer has ANY desire to… it’s a PRETTY good indication that he ain’t feelin’ ya or the relationship anymore. Basically, him wanting to doesn’t prove much to the positive, but him NOT wanting to proves a LOT to the negative. Baddabing, baddabam.
+me
I should have read what you said before writing. Lol.
Women have a responsibility to have activities we like to do outside of the relationship — rock climbing, the gym, something so that we don’t bring boredom into our relationships or expect the man to always make us happy.
An interesting woman who has diverse interests and a physical activity she loves wins in not killing the joy out of the relationship. If she is always expanding her horizons it brings fun into her relationship.
Will and Jada have it right. Jada’s always into something. Remember the time she was doing heavy metal ? lol
Will and Jada are the example I would follow but it’s a fact people need outside interests.
“are not” my bad
you’re completely right. when i (a man) no longer wants to sleep with you. we might as well part ways right then and there.
“Dude can be out on a date with a woman that he was vibing with and found stimulating, interesting, attractive, and sexxy and in one fell swoop something can be said or done to murder that whole entire vibe.”
true story. i met this chick. she had some friends. i had some friends. we all decided to hit this lounge/bar. we were all having a great time. my friends and i were buying rounds like it was water. somehow one of the chicks dropped some money (approx $100). tell me why the chick walks up on me and says can you give her the money back? *record scratches* at that point i was ready to go home. so i’m responsible for your irresponsible friend? haven’t seen chick since and when she calls me i just blow her off.
Was she African
*cough, cough* Nigerian *cough*by any chance?My sistren tend to have a very interesting way of understanding “taking care” of…
When a woman is still having sex with her man but has no clue that he wants to end the relationship, she’s been ignoring the other clues that they are disconnected from each other. One major clue is if the stuff he’s excited about has nothing to do with her (hanging out after work, a new hobby he shares with other people and not her)
An unhappy man will focus on new hobbies (and be vague or secretive about those hobbies) to get away from a woman he doesn’t want to be with but doesn’t have the guts to break up with.
Other than that scenerio, yep, if a man doesn’t want to smang anymore, something’s very wrong. And if there’s no peace in your house also, then something’s wrong.
I think we lie to ourselves during this awkward moment. I’m not sure what we think we’re holding onto. If you can’t see the changes and try to change, then it’s over. Then again, when in “love” we are delusional. We never see the train wreck….
I don’t know what I just downloaded. Eh.
does that imply that you dont’ like it? lol. its okay to say so. feel free. i’m not sensitive about my sh*t.
Me personally, you would have to put in major work on being a complete hater/ *sshole/ b*tch/ for me not to want smash ever again. I mean good stuffing is good stuffing. Most single men will endure a certain amount of misc. convo from most women if they know later on we bumping and gringing. Not until recently has a woman pissed me off to a point of where I didn’t want to have sex with her. Before now I didn’t think it was possible for me to care enough about whats on a womans mind to not want to hit it. “Oh but we grown now” so I guess I need to dig deeper into the compatibility dept. Sounds like work eeehh!!!
I don’t know that I agree that women stay longer emotionally in a relationship that’s on it’s way out than men do. I guess I should rephrase that to say “I” don’t…I leave emotionally long before I do phyiscally, if I’m the party who initiates the break up. If not, then I guess I do agree that I have lingered longer emotionally than my partner.
At any rate, how I know it’s over isn’t when I don’t want to have sex anymore, although that’s one hell of an indication. It’s when I don’t want to talk to you anymore. When my day is rough, great…whatever, and you’re not the first person I want to call (over a prolonged period) then I’m pretty much done.
It cuts both ways. The article doesn’t account for people just settling for being comfortable with one another. If I bring up that I’m not happy or something is off will it be taken as a personal attack. I know people that have said to me the cost of starting over far outweigh me staying in my situation. Will bringing up the subject take individuals out of the comfort zone they have come to love? Sex at that point becomes simply self fufiling and not mutually satisfying.
Music Related Comment:
Panama, I like your concepts (the jazz track was actually my favorite). Overall you achieve a really good mix (i.e. the volume balance between the elements in the music) on the entire project.
If I can offer some constructive criticism:
I’m not sure what platform you’re using to create your music, but if it has a “Quantize” function you’re probably going to want to take advantage of it to tighten up the synchronization of some of the instruments. It gets a bit loose there on some of your songs.
How many projects have you done before this?
I’ve done quite a few…Im very familiar with quantitizing…i’m an MPC head. quantitizing drums used to be my friend. regarding this project, some songs, like “skyline” I intentionally didn’t quantitze the keys. I actually used an effect and threw them sh*ts off key on purpose. I have an artist who is using that beat for his album and he was there when I made it….all of the notes were lined up and I was f*cking around and he liked the more “live” feel of the off-note sound on that song.
so…trust and believe…it sounds exactly like i wanted it to on purpose. even sh*t that sounds off key. anybody who catches me in the studio knows how anally perfectionist i am about a lot of sh*t. i was wondering if anybody was going to say anything about that.
just so you know, i do some sound engineering on the side and have coordinated and run sound for various live performances. while so i dont know if the parenthetical definitions were for me or everybody else, but i know what mixing means. lol. i prefer to have others do the mixing for me as i like focusing on the creative side of things, im pretty self-contained.
this is probably the first full project i’ve just released for the hell of it. i just felt like doing an “album” so to speak since i’d been making instrumentals. and then i liked the cinematic sound of it so i sequenced it in a certain format to make it “score” like. so i’m far from a professional, but i’ve done a few projects.
but as to not sound like i didnt appreciate the criticism, thanks for taking the time out to listen…and offer some suggestions. really.
Oh ok gotcha. That makes sense. I know a number of people who won’t quantize anything (they say it sounds too mechanical to them). Alot of Dilla’s beat kinda have a natural “swing” to them where it’s on beat, but slightly off, making it feel organic. If that’s what you were talking about, I get it. As a fellow amateur producer, I tend to avoid it on instrumentation (I think it works better on the percussion) but at the end of the day you want a track that the artist can vibe with, so if he wants it loose, you do it loose. I get it.
I actually didn’t hear alot of off key sounds (but I also tend to like to use diminished chords in songs, and they tend to produce a more harsh sound). I’ll listen again, but if I didn’t detect anything that was disruptively off-key the 1st time, I probably won’t hear it the 2nd time either…
The parentheticals were for everyone (I don’t know people’s music production backgrounds so I was just defining what I meant by mix, I’ve seen people use mixing and mastering interchangably even though they’re not really the same thing).
Anyway thanks for sharing the music, Keep doing your thing. Hopefully the experience has been positive enough that you’ll consider sharing more in the future. #TeamMPC
Just found this blog about a week ago and have been wasting ridiculous amounts of time at work reading the archives. Hilarious. But I HAD to comment on this statement:
“Though I really think that the reason most woman refuse to acknowledge the end is because they don’t want to be wrong about their choice of man.”
YES!!! Even though our girls, our gay male friends, our daddies, our children, our inner voice, Jesus, etc. have ALL said the dude is garbage, we stay…because we CAN’T be wrong. SMH.
Men don’t want to be wrong either. You can chalk it up to:
I took my vows / being in a relationship seriously
I’m one who handles my business
When you realize that you should pack it in, the anexiety of not being able to sweep the “failure” under the rug is daunting. We all hate to admit we were wrong regardless of the situation. I don’t want to hear any comments (or looks) from the peanut gallery as I try to pick up the pieces.
“I don’t want to hear any comments (or looks) from the peanut gallery as I try to pick up the pieces.”
LOL…we’re on the same page here. I actually deleted “No one likes to hear ‘I told you so’” from my post.
I was being facetious about Will and Jada.
Not wanting to smang the the person ever again is the ultimate sign the relationship is over.
There’s a difference between not being interested in sex knowing you will be another time.
But not wanting to ever smang the person ever again? Time for the relationship’s funeral proceedings.
What’s the moment when you know the relationship is ending?
I knew it was over with my ex when I realized I COULD NOT STAND HIM. Tried to take a “trying to save this mess” trip with him. IT SUCKED. I only had fun when I was completely wasted. He would show up at my apartment to “suprise” me 2-3 times a week (it’s not a suprise anymore fool)…and I would immediately find an excuse to leave him there. My mama said you should NEVER feel uncomfortable in your own house. Then I realized I was no longer attracted to him chexually….the brands he had everywhere now looked stupid…the way he sweated up my sheets all the time (no chex involved) pissed me off. I had to walk away before I began to hate him. Maybe if he would have just GONE HOME SOMETIMES..,,we would have been alright. No, let me stop lying….we wouldn’t have been…fool was trying to TRAP ME into getting pregnant.
Damn, who is this BeBe Rich character? Very nice to look at
Aight, I keep gettin distracted. What were we talking about again?
>THIS.isht.right.here<
I was dating a girl a few years back, and there was a point where I realized just how immature she really is – with sex, with me having female friends that actually care about my well-being, with how she handled conflict, with how she STARTED conflict out of thin air, and so forth. Doubly annoying is that she’s almost one year older than me. At one point, I realized that she didn’t do anything for me… down there… any more. I think I broke up with her two weeks later. It would have happened sooner, but I was in grad school, so I needed to find time. I couldn’t, so I just did it over the phone.
Truth.
single and the love is gone…..it’s easy to step
married…..hand over your wallet
Breakups either happen quickly via some sort of life altering event (pretty sure between punches, Rihanna said “I quit you”)
Remember the list Champ did (pretty sure it was Champ… too lazy to look) on reasons he might be going to hell? Yeah. You should add this to your list.
LOL, right.
I have to give you a standing ovation for this post because this is exactly what happened to me. And the funny thing is that he’s trying to pin some of that on me and I’m like, no, you avoided me like the plague. I honestly thought something was wrong with me, when as it turns out, he just didn’t want to sleep with, well, only me anymore. Such as life.
My thing is, a relationship is an at-will situation. Like I told my ex, I ain’t holding any hostages so if you’re not happy LEAVE. Boom bye bye. Don’t drag the sh*t out. Guys don’t like to pull the trigger when it’s over…instead yall act out and force us to end it. Irks my nerves.
I would much rather have someone be straight forward than to manipulate the situation unecessarily. I stand by this wholeheartedly. Nothing more irking than a gaslighting mofo scurred to do the right thing…Even if you can’t part your lips to say exactly what the issue is, at least say there’s an issue and stop wasting our time.
I know for me, as a woman, if I mentally & emotionally check out of a relationship before the man, its a WRAP!!!! Sorry, but theres no turning back the hands of time for me. If I have thoughts of slappin you more than kissin you, time to wrap it up. Fellas, you aren’t the only ones who check out but dont wanna hurt the person, especially when you know they generally care for you. Sad Times, ah well!!!
cosign
@Corey good call, impossible for a dude to get away scot-free unless he’s got notarized documentation of her admitting that she funked things up. Even then, her upbringing catches the heat and you got what deserved getting into a relationship with her.
Worst part is when you cringe when her name pops up on texts or incomings and you think of how you can avoid contact for as long as possible without making her even madder.
Finally, I’ve been coming back to the site all day just to laugh at that picture. “You wait a goll-darn second here, mister. That is obviously Fox’s James Brown. Ask HIM where he was last night. I want my phone call. I want to talk to Kim Kardashian’s dad.”
So this article made me think of a friend. This friend has been dating his gf for a little over a month and well he’s constantly complaining to me about how he likes her and likes spending time with her but for some reason doesn’t think he’s sexually attracted to her at all. I told him its probably just a mental thing and that maybe he should spend more time getting to know her to stimulate attraction and he just keeps saying he doesn’t think so but also doesn’t plan to end the relationship yet. I know you said its over when he realizes he doesn’t want to sleep with her but I wonder is there anyway he can actually acquire those feelings? If there is a it would be nice to know because we had an agreement that if he was try to ACTUALLY be in a relationship he has to do it for 100 days. Its part of a bet.
Sorry, but I stopped reading after “women tend to stick around (mentally and emotionally). Not in my experience and not according to statistics. It is not ususally women commiting double homocides or killing spouse, children and self just because someone says “it’s over”, or “I want a divorce”. Men are first in and the last out. Check the stats. Sorry if someone already touched on this. Haven’t read the comments, just passing through….
Why don’t men just tell the woman? It hurts everyone more when it’s not said. A woman can feel when things aren’t working but it’s us believing that it can be made right that keeps a woman holding on
. That hell calendar can become just another note in a day planner if it’s just said.
This is exactly what happened to me, and he couldn’t explain why he didn’t want to have sex. He would barely admit he didn’t want to. And when I broke up with him (for a lot of reasons) he still resisted. He wanted to stay together and try to work it out, without a long term commitment. So ridiculous. I told him to be honest with himself, he didn’t want me.