Theory & Essay

the battle of the fexes

there are two types of people in this world….those felt that omar was easily the most implausible, most annoying, and least compelling character on “the wire”, and necrophiliacs. there’s no grey area, and where you fit in either of those categories will basically…wait. i’m sorry. wrong topic. lets start again.

there are two types of people in this world….those who are friends with ex-lovers (“fexes”), and those who aren’t. with the exception of dissimilar libido, this may be the most consistently underrated cause of relationship disharmony. diametrically opposed to each other, each camp feels as if the other is being unreasonable, and each camp has a justifiable argument. today, in true vsb.com fashion, we’ll examine each mindset, and hopefully come up with some sort of a resolution

***tale of the tape***

the basic premise

fexes: “i mean, if we were cool beforehand and the relationship ended on mutually cordial terms, i don’t see any reason why we can’t stay cool”

the aren’ts: “for the life of me i dont understand why anybody would want to stay cool with someone they used to fu-k, unless they still planned on f-cking in the future.”

the respect factor

fexes: “its mad disrespectful to tell me who i can and can’t be friends with”

the aren’ts: “its mad disrespectful for you to expect me to be cool with the fact that your *borders buddy* used to blow your back out on the reg”

the trust factor

fexes: “what…you dont trust me??”

the aren’ts “its not about trusting you. it’s her scandalous a-s that i don’t trust”

***btw, this makes absolutely no sense to me. you can’t qualify trust. if you truly trust someone, then you’ll trust them around people you think are untrustworthy. why? because you trust them. if you don’t trust them around untrustworthy people, then you DONT trust them. why don’t people understand this?***

the violin (the go to “guilt trip” move)

fexes: “why are you putting me in this position?? of course i’d choose you, but why are you even making me make that choice when you don’t have to??”

the aren’ts: “i guess you value her friendship over our relationship”

the verdict

although i’ve come to understand the justification behind the thought process of the “aren’ts”, i remain a member of the “fexes” camp. if you trust your mate, then it shouldn’t matter who he happens to be friends with. if you dont trust em…you shouldn”t be with em anyway.

honestly, though, my membership is somewhat conditional. basically, if she’s had strong enough feelings about the dude at one point to admit something along the lines of “you know, i honestly considered killing him and his entire family at one point. i was ready to do the jail time and everything, but I managed to get past that and we’re great friends now” while sober, then maybe a red flag or ten might pop up. other than that…i could honestly care less.

how about you?

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

Previously

her two cents

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    As long as the ex isn’t stepping over the line, trynna holla at my man, then I’m good. The broads who keep hope alive bug. Move on!

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    As long as the ex isn’t stepping over the line, trynna holla at my man, then I’m good. The broads who keep hope alive bug. Move on!

  • http://www.myspace.com/moonchyldblu Vitamin Be

    I’m a proud member of the fexes!! Sometime those are some of your best friends… Hell, my ex boyfriends helped me moved into my new apt…together!

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      now THAT is pimp-ish…you go girl! lol

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      now THAT is pimp-ish…you go girl! lol

  • http://www.myspace.com/moonchyldblu Vitamin Be

    I’m a proud member of the fexes!! Sometime those are some of your best friends… Hell, my ex boyfriends helped me moved into my new apt…together!

  • amconteh

    It shouldn’t really be a problem if you trust that the relationship is in the past. Besides you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust enough to leave them alone with others.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust enough to leave them alone with others”

      *nodding head*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust enough to leave them alone with others”

      *nodding head*

  • amconteh

    It shouldn’t really be a problem if you trust that the relationship is in the past. Besides you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust enough to leave them alone with others.

  • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

    If the break-up was amicable (I’ve yet to see one, but hey…) or mutually agreed upon, then sure we can be cool to an extent. I don’t know if I’d say friends but I don’t think there should be a feeling of competition between the ex and their successor. But all of this is really contingent on the manner of the break-up and which came first the fex or the egg…

    The breakdown:

    True enough if you were cool before AND after your break-up, then yes you should be able to maintain some level of social interaction. But if you were on some “I hate that b****/n****” then you being “friends” is a little suspect.

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Telling an adult who they can and cannot be friends with is a tell of your insecurities and control issues. It makes you look bad and the other person look weak if they succumb to your ultimatum. Their friends will be put in the position of avoiding your bad side for fear of dismissal.

    The trust factor is really about the other person being insecure about themselves and how much you value the relationship. But if trust is one thing, it is absolute. You do or you don’t.

    The Guilt trip is a sign of manipulation and a huge, waving red flag. You can’t feed strays, they will keep coming back. This time it’s your fex. Who knows what it will be next time.

    Champ – great post. I agree 99.999% I don’t know what the other 0.001% consists of but I’m sure it will come to me later… I don’t wanna be a post rider.

  • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

    If the break-up was amicable (I’ve yet to see one, but hey…) or mutually agreed upon, then sure we can be cool to an extent. I don’t know if I’d say friends but I don’t think there should be a feeling of competition between the ex and their successor. But all of this is really contingent on the manner of the break-up and which came first the fex or the egg…

    The breakdown:

    True enough if you were cool before AND after your break-up, then yes you should be able to maintain some level of social interaction. But if you were on some “I hate that b****/n****” then you being “friends” is a little suspect.

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Telling an adult who they can and cannot be friends with is a tell of your insecurities and control issues. It makes you look bad and the other person look weak if they succumb to your ultimatum. Their friends will be put in the position of avoiding your bad side for fear of dismissal.

    The trust factor is really about the other person being insecure about themselves and how much you value the relationship. But if trust is one thing, it is absolute. You do or you don’t.

    The Guilt trip is a sign of manipulation and a huge, waving red flag. You can’t feed strays, they will keep coming back. This time it’s your fex. Who knows what it will be next time.

    Champ – great post. I agree 99.999% I don’t know what the other 0.001% consists of but I’m sure it will come to me later… I don’t wanna be a post rider.

  • http://tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany

    for me, it’s contextual. is this a fresh breakup? how strong were his feelings? how strong are they now? how does he treat me in general? how does he treat me when she’s around?

    jealousy is my spidey sense telling me something ain’t right with this scenario. and if a dude is dismissive of that, then i do have to wonder whether he cares about my feelings, is trying to get back into her world, or really needs the ego stroke.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “jealousy is my spidey sense telling me something ain’t right with this scenario”

      what if your spidey sense is effed up though? should a guy be forced to live by the whim of your suspicions?

      • http://www.tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany

        i can’t speak for other folks’ spidey sense. but when i get jealous, it is, *WITHOUT FAIL* a sign that something ain’t right.

        under normal circumstances, the most i would give a fex situation is a raised eyebrow. if i think she still wants you, i might express concern.

        but if i have progressed to jealousy? that means there is something you are doing or not doing and we need to have a conversation about that.

      • http://www.tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany

        i can’t speak for other folks’ spidey sense. but when i get jealous, it is, *WITHOUT FAIL* a sign that something ain’t right.

        under normal circumstances, the most i would give a fex situation is a raised eyebrow. if i think she still wants you, i might express concern.

        but if i have progressed to jealousy? that means there is something you are doing or not doing and we need to have a conversation about that.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “jealousy is my spidey sense telling me something ain’t right with this scenario”

      what if your spidey sense is effed up though? should a guy be forced to live by the whim of your suspicions?

  • http://tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany

    for me, it’s contextual. is this a fresh breakup? how strong were his feelings? how strong are they now? how does he treat me in general? how does he treat me when she’s around?

    jealousy is my spidey sense telling me something ain’t right with this scenario. and if a dude is dismissive of that, then i do have to wonder whether he cares about my feelings, is trying to get back into her world, or really needs the ego stroke.

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