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Marriage is an interesting concept to me.
*hands raised*
You, over there, with the fishnet parka.
“Oh great and wise Panama, what concept and why does it interest you so?”
I’m so glad you asked.
Well, I think that a lot of people who aren’t married have this very romanticized and, quite frankly, warped sense of what marriage is. Mind you, I’m not married so perhaps I’m wrong too.
And two wrongs don’t make it right.
Hmm…
But what is marriage really? To me, marriage—and I’m going to get a little bit too practical for some—is nothing more than really a business partnership. It’s the union of two business interests, a merger if you will, in hopes that the two businesses together will succeed further than the one alone would.
That sentence was syntaxily terrible.
Syntaxily is not a word.
Love.
Most people think that you get married because of love. Or even that marriage lasts because of love. And though I think that would be the greatest thing ever, I don’t actually think that love will see you through everything. Love gets you to the table to eat, but somebody’s got to put something on the table or everybody dies from starvation. I’d even wager that love is easy but relationships are a mother*cker. The meshing of two persons and their issues and baggage can make for a very bumpy ride. Hell, there’s a reason that so many songs allude to the fact that love alone won’t build a happy home.
By the way, I can’t think of a single song that uses that phrase.
If love could save marriages, the divorce rate would be a fraction of what it is now. Even the worst combination of individuals somehow can find love for one another. But what if love could sustain all? What if all you really needed was love? What if after 30 years of waking up to the same person, you got the same butterflies you did after the first date?
What if?
Love is great, but it’s not the most important part of any relationship. People who don’t love each other can stay together forever—because they’re committed to one another, for better or worse.
Commitment.
Commitment is the most important part of a marriage. Without commitment, the marriage can’t even exist. I can love 100 people, but I can’t be committed to them all equally and at the same time. Trust me. Have you ever tried to date, like seriously date, more than one person at a time?
I have and it sucked.
Mostly because I only really had enough energy to expend on one person because at the time, I thought she was the most deserving. Of course, I had other interests that were being met by my other jump-offs ( I was young and bored, sue me), but I was in some ridiculously irrational way committed to the thought that perhaps I could make something work with this one chick…
…at which time I’d chop off the others and make an honest woman out of that one.
Of course that never happened. I got bored. She got even more boring. I hit her with the, “I think I’m not gonna come back anymore” line.
She.Hate.Me.
D’oh well. You win some, you lose some. You live, you learn.
Love and butterflies can be fleeting. We’re all human and everybody doesn’t grow together like we’d like. We hope it happens but let’s face it, some people don’t even know how to grow and you don’t find that out until the 3rd anniversary.
So what if you could only have one or the other: love with the possibility of an ending because all good things must come to an end (fat ti**ies turn to tear drops and fat a** turns to flab…lol…how apropos) or the commitment of a person who you may have grown apart from, but you grew apart and got old together with?
If your marriage could be built on only love OR commitment, which marriage would you prefer?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka P. ENSIVE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
I’ont know. What I do know is that if people thought about marriage as a business deal FIRST or SECOND, there would be fewer divorces. If you won’t start a business or merge your company with your SO, you shouldn’t marry them cus love doesn’t conquer all.
@Hostess,
“If you won’t start a business or merge your company with your SO, you shouldn’t marry them cus love doesn’t conquer all.”
I would, without a doubt, start a business with any of my ex-fiances, no doubt. They are all successful, business minded men. I just opted out of marrying them. I think that, before a person can think about the “business” aspect of marriage, there needs to be something in the gut…dare I call them butterflies?…that helps convince them that they love the other person enough to do all the hard work that a person needs to do to make a marriage work.
@iloVEGrits,
how many ex-fiances do you have?
btw, i agree with this…
“I think that, before a person can think about the “business” aspect of marriage, there needs to be something in the gut…dare I call them butterflies?…that helps convince them that they love the other person enough to do all the hard work that a person needs to do to make a marriage work.”
@The Champ,
“how many ex-fiances do you have?”
3
@iloVEGrits, My point is butterflies won’t get you to old age and matching burial plots. Of all the ppl I know who are divorced (one divorce a month for the last two years), their issues weren’t about love. They were about the business of marriage. For example, why would a person merge their financially stable company with a company run my a tyrant of a CEO who wasn’t big on fiscal responsibility?? Doesn’t make practical sense. So don’t trip five years down the line when that company you (not you per se) merged with has ruined your credit rating, lowered your stock value, and broken all the toilets in the executive bathrooms!
Aside from butterflies, it takes a commitment to stick in it. You can have the commitment without the butterflies. My nana had that with two of her three husbands–the last two. First time she married for butterflies. Next two times she married for a lifemate but she outlived them. LOL
Yeah and how many fiances have you had?
@Hostess,
Ha ha ha, my meme was married 3 times too. First one was an arranged one (she was 15) and she got the hell out. Second was for the butterflies (my granddaddy) and it didn’t work out. Third time was all about committment and it worked!
@Ms. Sula,
Third time was all about committment and it worked!
what does “worked” even mean?
@The Champ,
Well they seemed happy… or rather content. They had a routine they enjoyed. They seem pleased to be with each other…
@Hostess,
marriage as a business deal FIRST or SECOND, there would be fewer divorces.
Agreed.
@Hostess,
I could and have started a business with my husband but I can’t work with him. Lemme explain. See…he handles the business part and I’m the creative part. We don’t overlap. Our styles are completely different. The few times when the business part overlapped with the creative part to the point where I was going to have to make creative changes…hey…I just cried.
And suddenly the business side conceded.
I’m SUCH a girl.
butterflies won’t keep you warm at night. stomach flab will. i’m saying commitment.
although strictly speaking, i’m a little skeptical about the whole marriage thing. i think the only real reason i want to get married is because my mother will perish of shame if i fail her by not being married by the age of 27. and i just can’t have the woman’s blood on my hands – especially as i know she’ll haunt me for it from the grave. anyways, maybe it’s my youth. maybe it’s not having ever been in a relationship with a person i saw myself marrying. but for right now, from my little observation of marriage, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be necessarily. and i don’t understand why people look at a woman pityingly if she’s not married after a certain age. what, people can’t choose not to get married?? these things confuse me.
i say this knowing full well i’ll probably be married 5 years from now with 2 nappy headed brats and loving it, but for today i’ll remain a little cynical about the subject, just because.
@puff,
“butterflies won’t keep you warm at night. stomach flab will. i’m saying commitment.”
I concur
@puff,
i think people look at unmarried educated people of a certain age (lets say 30) as less worthy to be taken seriously than their married counterparts, and that feeling increases exponentially until you turn 45, when you’re just regarded as an eccentric freak
btw, this…
and i just can’t have the woman’s blood on my hands – especially as i know she’ll haunt me for it from the grave.
…is creepy.
@The Champ, this: “i think people look at unmarried educated people of a certain age (lets say 30) as less worthy to be taken seriously than their married counterparts, and that feeling increases exponentially until you turn 45, when you’re just regarded as an eccentric freak”, is true, but i think it’s a bit unfair. i think i’m a very serious person, and i’m now at the point that i do want to be in a serious relationship, but i just haven’t found that person yet…oh well, guess i got 5 more years
tick…tock…tick…tock
@A Plus,
life isn’t fair and sh*t
I’d say love, because at the end of the day i think the second option is just settling for less; why would you want to live with someone you don’t like or care for FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? I def wouldn’t. I’d rather love and if it didn’t work out then i tried-and you can always find companionship in some other form-hello Golden Girls lol. I’d never forgo the chance at love for a hollow arrangement of convenience; i’d much rather try and fail, because there’s always a chance i’ll win -and plus i love the golden girls so ending up like them couldnt be all bad
@PrincesMo,
“I’d never forego the chance at love for a hollow arrangement of convenience…”
*snaps*…well-spoken.
@Resident GRitS, Two Snaps, i hate mediocrity so i personally wont settle!
@JamaicanGirl,
are you new? if so, welcome and sh*t
@PrincesMo,
Word. I don’t think I’d commit in the first place to someone I didn’t feel butterflies for. The butterflies is what makes the work worth doing. (My parents are still in love.)
I prefer love. Serial monogamy is do-able if love must end…and I’d prefer the pain of lost love to the pensiveness of a relationship w/o it.
Commitment – in that sense – just means they’re committed to staying for fear of starting over. And, if we don’t love each other, I da*n sure don’t want to be your crutch.
@Resident GRitS,
“if we don’t love each other, I da*n sure don’t want to be your crutch”
this definitely sounds like a song that would be on a mary wilson album
I’ll go with commitment because I don’t believe you can commit to something unless you love (strongly like) it.
While my education allows me to understand (reflect/process) your point of view, the church girl in me can’t look at marriage as a business deal. Marriage is a holy institution between a man and a woman (no disrespect to the LGBT community.) Marriage ensures that your union is recognized by God. But that is my faith talking. I don’t really have anything negative to say about your post because it is quite logical. Arrrgh..it’s Big Bang vs. Creationism all over again.
@Ms. Hall,
“I’ll go with commitment because I don’t believe you can commit to something unless you love (strongly like) it. ”
i agree
@Ms. Hall,
“I’ll go with commitment because I don’t believe you can commit to something unless you love (strongly like) it. ”
It can be done. I think it may be easier for some than it is for others. I have an uncle that is committed to his second wife, I think just for convenience’s sake. He’s still crazy about his first wife, second wife is fully aware and they’re steady going through the motions. My worst nightmare.
@ Panama,
It seems like what you’re describing is Resignation, not Commitment.
@Ms. Hall,
shots fired
You get married because there is no one else you’d rather spend your time with. Waking up, sleeping, arguing, farting, etc. That person makes it all that more enjoyable. When I came to that realization, the ring was next. But for the sake of the post…
Sorry, I can’t participate in the question posed. Lol. I don’t think of it as a business deal because even those have outs. Like I said before, when I was in premarital counseling, we embraced the idea of marriage being a covenant. We discussed all the “outs” that society tends to take and made a covenant with each other that those outs are not applicable in our union.
@Saule Wright,
I like this comment right here.
@Saule Wright,
This hit my heart and mind at the same time…it must make sense.
@Saule Wright,
Exactly. 100% exactly. Marriage just can’t be broken down like this. It’s all or nothing as it should be. When it’s not…it doesn’t work.
@Saule Wright,
u said it exactly, marriage is a covenant, something that is sacred before God, and like so many other things, the significance and importance of marriage has been removed. its like people say their vows and believe it at the time, but times get hard and ppl forget about “for better or WORSE.” If you’re not ready for forever, ur not really ready for marriage. Marriage can be great but no one ever said it was easy, it takes a whole ot of work and effort and if ur not willing to put forth the effort, you shouldnt make a commitment that is that significant
I will say one thing about the west coast. This time difference is truly like being in another country. The fact that its not even 10pm over here and its way past midnight back home will never cease to fascinate me.
Oh and marriage sucks (tho I’m not married so you ask how can you have such strong feelings about this? well i’ve also never been to rape you in the a$$ prison (c) office space, but i know it sucks by the context clues)
hush.
@Dorian G.,
LMAO
@Dorian G.,
Oh and marriage sucks
expound and sh*t
@Dorian G.,
Marriage is EVERY.SINGLE.THING.
Definitely love with the possibility of an ending. Very few things in life are permanent. And, truth be told, in a long-term relationship, people fall in and out of love during the course of that relationship. It’s up to the couple to make sure they fall back into it. It’s hard, no doubt. But if you’re there, just punching the clock and not doing the job just because you want companionship, why bother? Anything you’re going to half a$$ do is not worth doing.
To comment on one of your points, marriage goes beyond the idea of a business deal. It’s about hard work. You can merge with someone quite easily. The key to a successful partnership (based on what I’ve seen, watching both sets of grandparents who were, literally, married till death did they part…death – not infidelity, the death of a child, job loss, home loss, serious illness …all things they battled and overcame) is busting your a$$ to make sure you are both successful: first as a couple (the key) and then as individuals.
I honestly don’t think people seriously ask themselves “is this person worth all of the hard work that I’ll have to do to make this last?”
People have, I think, such fairy tale views of marriage – they think it’s one long date filled with nonstop romance.” They like the fact that a person makes them laugh, that the sex is good, etc. – all important things – but don’t think far enough into the future to ask “what am I gonna do if one or both of us unfaithful?” or “what if he gets laid off?” or “what if we end up bankrupt?” Sure, you think that because you’ve survived a few arguments, you can make it through anything. Arguments aren’t jack compared to what a life long partnership can bring. If you can’t see yourself crawling on your stomach through the mud with someone why put yourselves and them through the heart ache?
Now, back to my point…if you think you can handle the tough times: do it. We all fall short of the glory and many won’t make it to that 10 year mark, let alone the 50+ year mark, but at least you tried, really tried, and created some great memories for yourself.
@iloVEGrits,
very insightful sh*t and sh*t
@iloVEGrits,
Well said.
If you can’t see yourself crawling on your stomach through the mud with someone why put yourselves and them through the heart ache?
That’s why one of my test for utter, ultimate commitment is “Will I be willing and able to go to the Amazing Race with this person?”… If the answer is yes, then I try. If the answer is No, then I need to get out. If the answer is “I don’t know”, then I got 99 problems and committment ain’t one.
@iloVEGrits,
Yup, yup and yup.
@iloVEGrits, [OUR GENERATION] have, I think, such fairy tale views of marriage – they think it’s one long date filled with nonstop romance.” They like the fact that a person makes them laugh, that the sex is good, etc. – all important things – but don’t think far enough into the future to ask “what am I gonna do if one or both of us unfaithful?” or “what if he gets laid off?” or “what if we end up bankrupt?” Sure, you think that because you’ve survived a few arguments”
I just had to modify your quote just to express how I feel-face it our generation wants to be married with the single persons lifestyle-BULLSHIT
My friend and his wife just had a miscarriage to me they are not just two ppl sticking around cause the sex is good. Its deeper than that. I feel women fairy tale marriage and men become suckers not wanting to come off as commitment phobes and agree to long term relationships that She thinks will end up in marriage. No. What happens is she winds up pregnant he bails and @ 30 yrs old (degreed up no less) she winds up having a baby under the same circumstance a teenager would. Again the materialism the “Life of Peaks” and No Struggle” mentality is what got us here. Too many believe marriage exempts us from struggling or having those dull moments in life. “Sexiness” and his being a “stud” in the bed and her being a “freak” is IMO the main reason some of us got in (and wont leave) the relationships (yet we demand the relationships be “official”) we in right now. In marriage there are problems that “job status”-good sex and how “good it looks” wont and never will solve. Its time we meet our true equals and BUILD together-lets stop dating and then marrying to “enhance” our “lifestyle” because if thats want we want to do then get a raise or a better job.
Wow, ain’t that some ish…for me, I’d take the love with an ending over commitment with growing apart…unless, the growing apart could blossom into friendship, then I guess that would make us cool a$$ roommates, who knew one another in a way that no other person did?
The way I interpreted the growing apart thing meant: growin apart for the worse, but hanging on b/c you didn’t want to be alone? And/or the “oh hell, we been 2gether this long I ain’t going nowhere..”
Why would anyone want to embrace misery, lock it down & have it in their face 24/7…
I’d rather bask in temporary bliss than live in unending, constant crappiness…I’m just sayin…
@maria,
“unending, constant crappiness”
this quote mirrors my feelings about the house of payne
@The Champ,
I cringed even reading the title here, in this place of solace and comfort among folks who use their brain. You have made me sad.
*sigh*
@CreoleInDC,
for a price, i can make you happy again.
@The Champ,
Not necessary. I have chocolate.
@CreoleInDC,
hmmm, i don’t care what studies have shown, aint no chocolate that can replace that other kind of happy….shoooot
@maria,
Um…I don’t need a replacement just need to keep it appropriate for me.
@The Champ,
Lol. This is one of my bf’s fav shows. (And one of my least fav). You, he and I should all have a beer some time.
@Me fail english?,
Seriously? Or is it just jokes?
@Ms. Sula,
i think he actually likes it. he’s one of those people who would never admit how awful smthg is, as long as there are black people in it. my moms the same way.