Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Pretty sure this guy is going to lie to you ladies.

I have a serious question. I know, I know. Normally when I say I have a serious question, its not really that serious. In fact it’s the anti-serious, kind of like how painting a macrame scarf (WTF?) can be somebody’s anti-drug. Again, this one is serious.


Have any of you people every met somebody in real life that was actually…breathtaking? Or stunning? Or somebody that actually took your breath away on sight?

See? Serious.

I thought really long and hard about this one day and I realized that I’ve never actually seen a woman with my own two eyes who I’ve deemed as either of those terms. But men especially thrown those words out at women like darts – BONG BONG – when we meet them. Hell, Marcus Graham called Skeletor breathtaking when he met her by the elevators in Boomerang. And it was game then obviously. Mostly because Jacqueline Broyer was not, in fact, breathtaking.

Let’s get this out the way. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But there are two things that are fact: busted as the f*ck and absolutely banging. At least in the realm of female attractiveness. The middle tier (or the 90 percent non-outliers on the bell curve) all come down to personal preference really. But it never fails, you go out and there is some simp ninja telling some woman who couldn’t take anybody’s breath if she was a starring alien in Lifeforce.

Here’s an anecdote that might refute most of what I’m saying and prove it at the same time. I know I contradicted myself, look I don’t need that now. There has been once in my entire life where a woman has stopped me dead in my tracks. I was at Lenox Square Mall in Atlanta in like 2003 and Mick’s was still open. It was the summer and I was visiting from out of town and I walked into the Foot Locker entrance. I walked around the banister and and saw a homegirl of mine that used to date one of my boys. I saw her from a distance because she was lightskint as all hell.

Anyway, as I start to approach her I actually stopped dead in my tracks and just yelled out “DAMN!” I was stunned for 1.5 seconds by just how absolutely gorgeous she looked.

And she was at work. As a waitress. At a restaurant. Not dolled up or anything. I can honestly say that I’ve never had that reaction since.

Even when I see her now I don’t have the same reaction though she can live off of that one day forever for all I care. Point is, I’ve lived a good long life thus far and have seen scores of women. Definitely at least four score. Now perhaps my standards are a bit high (fairly or unfairly) but superbad is superbad whether your a pr0n star or a librarian. Pr0n star librarians get extra points. That’s what mama used to say. She also told me to take my time young man and don’t rush to get old. But that’s neither here nor there.

All this to say, every time I hear a dude say that some woman is breathtaking or stunning…I think he’s lying. Every.Time.

But my guess is that men say it because women eat it up. Also, I can’t imagine a woman actually telling a man that he was either of those things. That’s too much of a leg up for him. She’ll end up naked before she can spell out whatever word she used to compliment him. I have had plenty of women tell me that they thought some particular chap was “gorgeous” or “beautiful”. I’m never quite sure what to do with that information. In fact, as I re-read what I just wrote, I’m not even sure what to do with that. And I wrote it.

Ladies, if you call me beautiful, I’m assuming that means you want my wang.

Anyway, good people of the V.S.B., have you ever actually met anybody who you’d consider to be breahtaking, etc? And more importantly, ladies, just how much do you think men lie to get you interested? If a man were to tell you that he thought you were stunning, would you believe him? (If your ego wasn’t involved)? Fellas, have you ever told a woman she was breathtaking…and didn’t mean it but thought she wanted to hear it?

Let’s help that chick stuck lonely at the bar people. Help her


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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

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