Look, I know I don't belong here, but until she figures it out, I'M RICH BEEEEYOTCH!

Well, if you had 72 days in your office pool, consider yourself a beast. Or a goon. Or a motherf*ckin’ prophet goblin. As the world discovered yesterday, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her goofy husband-beard combo man of 72 days.

Hey, did you know that the average gestation period for a dog is 58-70 days? A cat is 58-65 days. A wolf is about 68 days. The more you know.

*ding*

Back to Kim and Kris. Nobody thought this marriage was going to last. Hell, I’m sure most of couldn’t quite believe it was happening. Kris Humphries included. And I’m not sure if it was because we were surprised that that ninja pulled Kim K. or because we couldn’t believe that a woman whose entire comeup was due to one wayward sex tape would ever convince a man to marry her. Sure, men fall in love with strippers all the time. But Ray J made her famous. Fan or not, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

Real talk, if I sent them a wedding gift I’d ask for it back. I wonder if all along Kim just wanted to have a wedding and knew that no sane individual with money would actually waste his time wifing her, and she’d never date a regular guy anyway so her chances of ending up married were probably slim, so she said f*ck it and planned the only wedding in history that actually MADE money. Which might be a first given that like it or not, Kim K is a good lookin’ woman. It’s reminiscent of the Lauren London effect. Knowing that she let Lil Wayne knock her up somehow reduced her stock to Netflix status.

Conventionally speaking, the Kardashian sisters teach us some interesting lessons about life. The most banging one, Kim, is the one I think most of us would least like to marry and it has sh*t to do with her. She doesn’t seem to have much personality to speak of anyway but some men could deal with that. But again, she was Willie Jr’s jumpoff and nearly all men think we have more game than Ray J despite the fact that it’s obviously not true. There’s a possible post in there but I’ll hold off on that. Khloe is debateably attractive. And by debateably I mean not very. She’s got a certain half man/half amazing face going on that I’m just not sure I’d ever be comfortable waking up next too. Luckily Lamar Odom doesn’t mind that so much. But yet, she’s the married one…like ACTUALLY married. Kourtney is my favorite and she got knocked up by a white dude. That despite his dbag status is the kind of guy nearly all Black women would love to hang with.

It’s really quite confounding. The Kardashians really are some ninjas.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kris Humphries not only saw this coming but didn’t give a f*ck either. Again, my guess is that he couldn’t believe it was happening anyway. So he rode that pony until he couldn’t anymore. One day he woke up and was like, “holy sh*t, I’m actually about to marry motherf*ckin’ Kim Kardashian.” So instead of trying to make this farcical wedding work, he just decided to party it up and live good on her dime while the good times rolled. He had no business in that role anyway. And I’m with him on that. I’d be throwing that Kardashian money around, making it typhoon on hoes in Singapore and Tokyo…at the same time. I’d send one of my boys to Tokyo and we’d do a synchronized money drop just because we could. The ignorance would be impressive.

The one thing to note here is that not only is nobody surprised, I’m guessing nobody cares. Not even Kim’s sisters. Not Lamar Odom. Not OJ. He actually just wants freedom. Not a cat in a hat. Not a bat chasing a rat who scats like that like this or like that, and uh. The fact that you could call a wedding off after a mere 72 days means you weren’t every officially into the sh*t to begin with. Short of finding out that your man smanged your mother’s labridoodle while singing “The Saints Go Marching In” and cooking breakfast for your best friend twice removed, there shouldn’t be SO much turmoil that early in that you have to get a divorce. That’s what makes it look even more ridiculous. Even by Hollywood standards that’s too short. At least make it to a year, Kim. Make us believe love did live there at some point. Plus, what a douche. He’s out of a job and his job sucked in the first place. Way to kick a man when he’s down, Kim. You trollop.

Thoughts, if any, on the big news? Are you surprised it lasted only 72 days? What was your original guess for their marriage’s demise? And even more interesting, is Kim K marriage material?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I WOULDN’T MARRY HER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***AdminNote: For the DC ninjas, come party this Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub (2001 11th Street, NW) as VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. Free before 11pm ($10 after); open bar from 10-11pm (real talk); and no dress code. Party wit' ya folk. Doors at 10pm.***]

Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl...look at his hands look at his hands! JACKPOT!

[***ADMIN NOTE: This post also appears on Guyspeak.com, where Panama Jackson is a featured writer. Feel free to head over there to enjoy some of the lovely mental wanderings of the fellows of Guyspeak.***]

Or you.

Or you.

Well, we here at VSB are in the business of fighting crime and lifestyle management. And no, that doesn’t mean we do gay consulting or hand out condoms. It just means that we believe in helping those who need the help that they were previously unable to get. And if tthose last 120 words weren’t clear enough, my plan here today is to help women learn the right questions to ask men during those first pivotal dates before you end up swearing some man lied to you and manipulated you and took advantage of you when he really would have told you’d do that to you in the first place if you’d only asked.

Closed mouths don’t get fed. Unless of course your mouth is wired shut. Kanye.

Here’s a list of questions that women should be asking men to help figure out just how many red flags your dude is showing up to the Double Dare with.

1) Do you have any kids?

Ladies, not, “do you like kids?” or “do you want kids?”.  Look I assume that most of you ask some variation of a question about children. But if you don’t ask the right question you’ll pretend that you didn’t know he had 3 kids by 4 women until three months into dating him. Hell, there are women reading this site RIGHT NOW who don’t know I have a kid and I’ve specifically mentioned my kid no less than one time.

2) Are you married?

I just had a woman I know tell me that she asks her male suitors if they are married. I don’t believe her. The assumption is that since they’re out, ya know, dating, that they aren’t married. So I can understand why one might NOT ask. However, you might as well since we’re already asking if he has kids or if he’s gay. (Yeah it’s the next question). If he hesitates to say anything other than “no” then you need to drop him faster than a Redskins receiver trying to win a game.

3) Are you gay?

I mean you might as well. He might be offended but if he reads any of the current literature about Black women and their struggles to find straight men with even a modicum of success in life he’ll understand. Then again, if he is gay he’s probably not going to say that he is and you’ll probably only find out after you get married and you surf through his email or something and find a bunch of messages from some guy named ‘Toine or Rico Peru.

3a) Do you receive oral favors from men?

Slightly more invasive. Get it? More invasive? If he says, “I have” and you voted for John McCain it will not work. Trust me.

4) Are you currently dating anybody of significance?

If dudes starts reciting the lyrics to Lil Wayne’s amazingly dope song “I’m Single” you should probably run like the wind. However, if you and your friends are just trying to get with he and his friends so that you all can be friends then hey, party party party, you should all get wasted. Wow, that’s a dated song reference now.

5) Have you ever had an STD?

If dude asks you what classifies as an STD, it would probably behoove you to quietly remove yourself from his life quickly. In fact, any answer that isn’t “no, I have a clean bill of health and my doctor loves me” should be greeted with a stern furling of the eyebrow. Oh, and an exit stage left. Word.Life.Son…some of them STD’s never go away. Like the cooties.

6) Is your best friend a woman?

This forces you to examine whether or not you think that men and women can be friends and of course, you should then follow that up with, “when was the last time you two slept together?” If he says, “never, I’m gay” well you’ve killed two birds with one stone. If he says, “last year, but now she’s getting married to her lawyer but I think he’s gay”, or, “she’s the perfect rhyme over the perfect beat” you should realize that you don’t have a chance, real.

Those are 6 or 7 questions that women should be asking that probably don’t get asked enough because the rainbow isn’t enough. Good people of the VSB, what OTHER questions should women be asking.

Community service, do your duty.

-VSB P aka VITAMIN P aka VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL. HE A 3

Gov. McDonnell stated that it is important for all Virginians to reflect upon our Commonwealth’s  shared history, to understand the sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers and citizens during the period of the Civil War, and to recognize how our history has led to our present. (The proclomation was recently amended to mention slavery).

While I’m well aware that the Confederacy (and Civil War) was all about states rights and the ability for a locality to govern itself, it was all about Southern states reliance on slavery and the insistence that the federal government not tell them that they couldn’t be slaveholding states. Basically, what I’m saying is f*ck you Governor Bob McDonnell.

Luckily, he must have some Black people in his office who reminded him that despite their working for a Republican d-bag, slavery DID actually happen and he issued an apology for his omission of slavery as a root cause of the Civil War. To wit:

Gov. Bob McDonnell revived a tradition that had been abandoned in 2001 with a proclamation last week that honoured the “sacrifices” of Confederate soldiers — without making any mention of slavery as a cause of the war that raged from 1861-65.

McDonnell backtracked on Wednesday, however, issuing a statement of apology for leaving out the reference.

“The proclamation issued by this office designating April as Confederate History Month contained a major omission,” the governor said. “The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed.”

Since so many people in Virginia and America think this was a good idea since we have sh*t like Black History Month – and since I have such a good sense of humor – I started thinking about  other possible groups that need recognition. Such as…

Nazi Recognition Week - In recognition of the vision and vast organizational skills during a trying era creating a spirit of unity and national pride except for them mofos who coudn’t “get like me”. Call me Ishmael? Naw, I’ll call you at Auschwitz. Shalom, beyotch.

Rayful Edmonds Appreciation Month (in DC) – In honor of the entrepreneurial spirit and community-minded activism that employed thousands of citizens of the District of Columbia who stared in the the face of adversity and overcame the odds

Pilgrim Week – To commemorate the foresight of those individuals who recognized the potential for life in a new land with new beginnings and the wherewithall to forge past obstacles to set in motion the blueprint for Manifest Destiny

Oh wait, we have Thanksgiving for that.

And YOU get a blanket! And YOU get a blanket!

General Sherman Day – For his work in the fire sciences and his vision of a new Atlanta

John Allen Muhammad Mentorship Program – Named in honor of Muhammad’s extreme devotion to his charges and the willingness to go to great lengths for the youth to ensure their greatest success in life

Bob Johnson’s Center for Women’s Rights – In recognition of Mr. Johnson’s firm belief in the upliftment of women and the enlightenment of mankind in the process; because a woman is the light and the way

Those are just a few of the honors that could use a day, week, month, or program, etc. Good people of VSB, what other people, places, or things need some honoring?

Shower the people you love with love.

Show them the way that you feel.

Make it rain.

On these hoes.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

You are the father. But you aren't a relationship role model. Stop it.

Don’t kick your girl down a flight of stairs. Check.

Don’t stab him or cut off his Junior F. Baby. Check.

Do not under any circumstances drop kick his mother and then suplex her while doing a trapeze act. Check.

Do not compare her to Michelle Obama and say, “she supports her man, I’ll bet Obama gets to backdoor that Amazon!”. Check.

Say you made a mistake of not picking a certain girl when you’re “girlfriend” is on the way to talk to you. Check.

Cheat. Check.

When it comes to relationships, most of us know the big things not to do. Anything that causes bodily harm, mental anguish and/or agony, or you to end up an episode of Oprah, Maury, or that show I saw yesterday hosted by William Shatner is probably something that you really don’t want to do in a relationship. And you know this already. Congratulations, scholar. Gold star for Marcus.

However, there’s a whole other layer of subtle but ever-present daily cockups that occur from sea to shining sea. So I figure that with all of my intuition and knowhow (and knownothow) why not share share share. That way, you keep a man, and you keep a man, and you keep a woman, and you keep a woman. Yay. Plus, remember that crime fighting initiative that The Champ and I have been on? We just got our numbers back during Comstat and skillet scalpings are down a solid 23 percent in the past 3 months and I’d like to think that we have something to do with that. Please. And thank you.

Aw shuga no no no.

1) Say No to simple things in public

While I understand the need to say no when he “accidentally” tries to plug the wrong hole or she asks you to wear lipstick and you’re not in Clown College or from LA, if your girl asks you for a bottle of water at a BBQ and you’re closer to the cooler, you really shouldn’t say “no” and tell her to get it herself if she really wants some water. That just makes her look bad…in public and it’s a simple request that if fulfilled won’t result in a conversation later on. Really that’s what relationships are all about, doing what it takes to avoid the unnecessary conversations that you don’t want to have in the first place. And if anything, you don’t want your significant other to look like an idiot to everybody. Just say no to saying “no”.

Speaking of in public…

2) Call them out

Everybody needs to be called on their BS at some point. Just this morning, I called my cat out on her non-sensical ass insistence on meowing loud as hell until one of us beckons her. It really is that bullsh*t. However, I ‘d never do that around company. It’s just rude and its inside business, ya dig? Same with gf/bf. So what their being foreclosed on AND filing for bankruptcy. That’s your inside knowledge. Do you really need to bring that up when he wagers $20 on a football game and you feel he needs to fall back from that bet because of that little Chapter 11-style funny sh*t he’s going through? To his mother? Methinks no.

3) Openly question their decision-making ability

Look, I know that there’s no good reason to put chili pepper in cheesecake, but if your man is making the cake and somehow determines that chili pepper is going to give it that extra kick, well dammit, you ride out with that decision unless it might kill somebody. Later on, you are more than able to call him out on that BS (see #2) and make sure not to let his ass within 100 feet of an open range, but if he’s cooking for a group, you better drop that sh*t and roll wit’ it.

4) Pass the buck

In a relationship, whether you like it or not,  you become a “we”. If you two throw a party and you don’t like her coaster party, you can’t be like, “well, personally, I don’t give a sh*t if you leave a ring on this fine oak piece of Amish furniture from Lancaster County, PA,  but you know she be trippin’ so use a coaster, doggy snacks.” That’s just f*cked up. Take some ownership and remember #3.

Now, these four things will help you stay happy but good people of VSB, are there others? I’m sure there are. Do share.

Do.

Panamajackson? Tell him.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.

*smile*

3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

$8,000 first time homebuyer tax credit my ass.

Anyway, we took the truck back at about 6:30 pm and the U-Haul locale was JUMPIN’ like the club.  I saw a chick who turned out to be a man dressed like a woman dancing to a Beyonce song, which was, like, so cliche.  Anyway, as we stand in line for what seems like forever, the clearly overworked ninja employees of the establishment begin loudcapping everybody but nobody in particular about people needing to get out of the store because it was basically closing time and how they weren’t getting paid enough to deal with these snippy motherf*ckers.

Being the college-educated and well-adjusted individuals that me and mi compadre are, we waited our turn and when we got to the front of the line, the phone started ringing.  Now you might think this was the store phone.  Nope, it was her personal cell phone and much to the surprise of nobody, she answered the phone…WHILE dealing with our order.  She proceeds to detail to the person on the other end of the phone how ninjas just KEEP showing up KNOWING that they close at 7pm and how she BETTER have some collard greens and chicken left.

And for anybody who went to Ray’s funeral last weekend, I’m sorry for your loss.  I didn’t know Ray personally, but I heard about all of the details from Bertha at the U-Haul on Chillum Road in Hyattsville, Maryland.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, the craptastic service and all around ri-damn-diculousness that I witnessed reminded me of something that I both love and adore…SERVICE AT A BLACK RUN ESTABLISHMENT!

While I love my people dearly, there definitely are some Black Run Establishments (BREz) that be on that bullsh*t.  Sometimes…they just suuuuuck.

So quickly, here are 7 sign that you might be at a BRE.

1)  Lots of employees but no work getting done

SEE example from up above.

2)  Employees make you feel like they’re doing YOU a favor by dealing with you…despite the fact that you’re paying for a service

There’s nothing worse than a motherf*cker treating you like you should thank them for being there and getting paid to do their damn job.  I hate ninjas like this. Really.  Like really really.

3)  Folks are talking on their personal cellphones, about personal business

I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need Bossip or TMZ.  All I do is go to my local Popeye’s and I can keep up with all the local and Hollywood gossip when Boomshakalaka and her cousin get to talking about who Ray J is REALLY f*cking. Yay!

4)  Hard to tell the employees from the friends of employees

I’ll never understand why folks will go visit their homies at work FOR HOURS.  Jesus be an unemployment check.

5)  There’s always a lingering threat of violence between…somebody(s)

You ever just notice a palpable anger in the air but can’t tell where it’s coming from or who it’s directed towards but if a fight broke out you wouldn’t be surprised?  Yeah, you just might be in a BRE.

6)  They play the versions of songs that include Plies and/or curse words

Plies = curse words in my book and neither are allowed on Sunday anywhere NEAR me.  Seriously though, perhaps I’m just getting old but I get downright soccermom-ish when I hear a song playing in a store and it’s the dirty version.  I just want to shake a stick at people and make them feel bad with vicious rhetoric.

7)  You have to check your bag at the door

I think it’s so funny that you have to check your bag in a store where you can literally see the entire store and everybody in it from the front door.  Then again, in this time of economic depression, I guess the ninja at the front door checking bags is just happy to have a job.  Either way, they don’t do that sh*t at the store NEXT DOOR.  And chances are, I’d rather rob them anyway.  But I can read.  So I won’t.

So good folks of VSB, I KNOW I missed some things.  Educate the people, people.  How do YOU know you might be at a BRE??

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3