Tag Archives: women

In Defense Of The “Relationship Expert”

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Ok. Maybe some things aren't exactly defensible

Ok. Maybe some things aren’t exactly defensible

Of the several takeways from an hour or so of watching the Grammys last night…

1. Why is the 10 second long chopped and screwed version of Suit and Tie exponentially—exponentially!—better than the real version?

2. If they had an annual contest for “Rappers who could easily pass for WNBA players” wouldn’t Wiz Khalifa win every year?

3. Taylor Swift is very white with a lowercase “w,” very White with an uppercase “W,” and very WHITE in all caps. 

4. One of the most annoying (well, annoying and amusing) parts of being a teacher were the last couple months of each school year, when all the asshole seniors who were one suspension away from being expelled or one failing grade away from being held back morphed into Steve Urkel for eight weeks in an attempt to graduate. I’m not saying that Chris Brown reminded me of those seniors last night, but Chris Brown reminded me of those seniors last night. 

…the one that stood out to me the most was exactly how irrelevant LL Cool J was. This isn’t a dig at LL himself—while his makeup was a bit distracting, “I’m Bad” was the first rap song I memorized the lyrics to, so he’ll always hold a special place in my heart—but the irrelevance of a non-funny MC at an awards show. Seriously, if it’s not Chris Rock or Louie C.K. or anyone who’s there to poke a little fun at the audience, what’s the point of even having an MC? Since all the awards (and most of the performances) are introduced by presenters, an MC is basically just the dude who introduces the dudes who introduces the dudes who everyone is actually there to see.

Ironically, while I sit here questioning someone’s relevance, I’m writing this at a place that was made popular because of dating and relationship-centric content; a particular type of blog/blogging that—if Twitter and the blogosphere are any indication—many people seem to wish would become irrelevant. While there has always been a level of pushback to anyone who markets themselves that way, the pushback has definitely become a bit more consistent and definitely more antagonistic recently. And, despite the fact that being considered “relationship experts” or whatever has been very advantageous for us, we’ve even pushed back from that somewhat ourselves, as just a few months ago, Panama wrote about why he hated being labeled a relationship expert, and I gave an interview a couple weeks ago where I explained why the “relationship expert” label is an oxymoron. 

Now, part of this pushback is undoubtedly semantics-based. “Expert” and “Relationships” are two terms that just shouldn’t be put together, as it’s impossible to have an expertise with something so arbitrary and variable. Semantics aside, most of the people vehemently against “relationship experts” would be just as upset if the “experts” called themselves “relationship helpers” or “normal people with their own imperfect lives offering relationship-related answers to relationship-related questions they’re frequently asked” or “coital Yodas” instead. And, there seems to be four main criticisms.

1. “Relationship experts” tend to speak of men and women in monolithic terms, not accounting for differences and variations within all humans

2. Most advice is geared towards women

3. Many of the people dolling out this advice aren’t very qualified to do so

4. Some of the advice is clearly, for lack of a better term, f*cking stupid

Each of these points are valid. Most relationship writers/bloggers/experts/Yodas tend to write blogs, columns, and books with titles like “Why All Men Cheat” and “Stupid Things That Women Do And No Man Has Ever Done,” most advice is geared towards women, most of the people giving this advice have had their own past and current dating and relationship f*ck ups, and there’s some shitty-ass Fisher-Price bin at a Bodega advice out there.

But, since most relationship advice is somehow rooted in a person’s idea of pragmatism, it stands to reason that there’s a practical reason for each of the four things most commonly criticized.

Men and women are usually addressed in monolithic terms because, well, most men and women tend to act monolithically. Ok. Maybe monolithically is a bit inaccurate, but there are traits many (if not most) men share with each other and many (if not most) women share with each other, and it’s not wrong to acknowledge and address that. Yes, variations and exceptions exist—we’re all special and shit—but we’re not as unique as we want to believe.

For instance, in a relationship context, men tend to do the bare minimum needed to maintain some mental and emotional equilibrium, and women tend to overthink things on their way to equilibrium. Is this true for every single man and every single woman who’s ever existed? No. Is it true much more often than it’s false? Yes. And, while speaking in absolutes is technically wrong, when thinking of a subject, it just makes more logistic sense to say “The 10 Biggest Fears Men Have” or even “The 10 Biggest Fears Most Men Have” than “The 10 BIggest Fears 65.4% Of The Men I’ve Personally Interacted With And/Or Observed Tend To Share.”

 

Advice is geared usually geared towards women because…women are the ones who ask the most questions, visit the most sites, and buy the most books, and I’m not really sure what could be done to change that.

As far as the issue of unqualified people dolling out this advice, what exactly would make someone qualified? A degree? A blemish-less relationship record? A generous use of terms like “patriarchy” and “misogyny?” Admittedly, I do understand the train of thought behind this. You’re probably not going to ask a homeless man for financial advice, so it stands to reason that you’d prefer to hear dating and relationship-related advice from people who have positive relationship experiences. But, I don’t subscribe to the believe that   having a less than perfect relationship resume disqualifies someone from being able to speak and think logically, realistically, and insightfully about it, and I definitely don’t think that just because someone has been “successful”—”successful” in this sense means they’ve been in a long-term, monogamous relationship—they can advise other people on exactly what to do.

And yes, it’s true that some people offer some extra-simplistic fortune cookie-esque advice, but it’s also true that some people actually need it. Sure, maybe things like “don’t give up the cookie until after 90 days” just don’t apply to the type of educated and empowered woman who went to Georgetown, works for Booz Allen, and comments regularly at Jezebel. But, not everyone lives and/or wants that same life, and something she might think is stupid and sexist might spark a positive lightbulb in someone else’s head.

Really, all the “relationship expert” does is take conversations we all have with each other at game night or lunch or happy hour or Facebook and put them on paper. Some get paid for it. And, as with anything that can potentially involve money and some sort or status—especially something with a low barrier for entry—you’re bound to have people just looking to make a quick buck and/or score some panties, and you’re bound to have some idiots. Like with everything else, some people are going to be good, and some are going to be bad, and if the bad annoys you that much, just stop paying attention to it.

I get it. Really I do. I do understand why some people may wish that the relationship expert dies or, at least, skirts off into irrelevance, But they, well, we are just leading and continuing the conversations we’re going to have anyway, and as long as we’re interested in discussing and debating this topic, the “purposeless” has a purpose.

(Damn, maybe I was wrong about LL.)

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Dear Me, I Lied To You

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Men lie, women lie, numbers lie. Lies lies everywhere, up to my elbows up to my hair. Some of the biggest liars on the planet are folks who swear they don’t lie. I know some folks who HATE liars, who I’ve heard with my own two eyes come up with the most ri-damn-diculous story every for how or why they’re doing whatever the f*ck they were doing…when.

Hooty-who.

I’ve come to reason that people only truly don’t like lies when they feel like they affect them personally. Yes. This is a conclusion I’ve drawn. Etch-A-Sketch style.

Well, while LIE BAD!, the truth is folks make up sh*t all the time. It’s almost a national past-time. We don’t even mean to do it half the time. Some people’s entire existence is a lie. We view ourselves through certain lenses even if that ain’t who we are. You know that whole, “be the change you want to see” mantra? I loves it. Well, many of us are from the “say I’m this long enough and hopefully folks will believe it even if that’s not remotely who I am”.

Not coincidentally, I’m from the Wishan*gga Woods. We got a library. Pshaw.

So here is a list of lies that we often tell ourselves.

“I don’t play games.”

Ninja, you just bought stock in Milton Bradley while playing hopscotch during recess while singing Kurtis Blow’s “Basketball”. I will say that while I know we all play games, I’ve heard more women swear that they don’t play any sort of games…which I’m almost convinced is a game within itself. Have you seen The Legend of Bagger Vance? Of course you have. Charlize Theron’s character in that movie was the epitome of game-playing. Spades, anyone? RACISM!

“I keeps it 100!”

Men are guilty of this. We are all liars (that’s a lie). Just be clear, when this is being said, we ARE keeping it 100…we’re telling you 100 percent of what we want you to hear at that moment. Not that folks are always lying to you, but the point is, and I’m keeping it 100, Tupac is alive.

(Women) “I hear you. And I understand. Thanks for being honest.”

Fellas, never ever believe a woman who tells you that she appreciates your honesty. Or that she’s listening to you. I mean she probably is at that moment, but it won’t last very long because fairly soon after she’s going to be really mad at you for something. There’s a good chance you just had a talk about where you stand. There’s also a fairly good chance that if you ever speak to her again after said conversation you will be accused of sending mixed signals. To keep it 100, I don’t play games…so I’m glad you hear me and understand where I’m coming from.

(Men) “I’m working on myself and becoming a better me. For us. For me.”

Believe it when you see it, sister. Now, this one could probably go both ways as well, but I’ve learned in life that most people are full of sh*t. People like inspirational books and posters and paintings because they like to look at words. For the vast majority of us, real change comes thru real loss. Most of us finally figure sh*t out when it’s too late. Sound cynical? Well I keeps it 100. I know you understand.

“I’m going to go to the gym.”

This lasts for many people through the second trip to the gym. Then stuff starts coming up. Folks don’t realize that the longer you go between visits, the harder it is to go back. It’s just like having sex with somebody you ain’t really feeling but is always there. You start waiting a month in between…they notice. They start asking you if you care about them adn whether or not they’re just their for your using since, well, you only call during certain hours and not really ever because you want to talk or spend time or hang out or count motherf*cking clouds because who in the f*ck counts clouds with a n*gga you don’t want to go to Target with, my n*gga, ya smell me…like who the fu…

What was I saying?

The remix: “I love…going to the gym.” (Or for ‘going to the gym’ insert any number of things.)

We all know that person who swears they love doing xyz even though through your entire friendship you’ve never actually seen them do that. For instance, me? I love eating cauliflower! Very few people have seen me eat cauliflower…do you know why? Because I hate that sh*t. I don’t trust white vegetables. Or the police.

“I’m not a bad person.”

We covered that some months back but I figured I’d resurrect it. MJ. Man’s favorite lie.

“I would never…”

Woman’s favorite lie.

So…good folks of VSB, what the lies we most frequently tell ourselves?? Holla at a playa!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ME TOO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Six Things I’ve Learned About Women In The Last Six Years

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***Limiting it to the last six years, because well, a lot has happened in the last six years. Plus, nothing that happens in the first 25 years of your life matters, anyway***

1. When they say “You know, I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm”—it’s actually (well, usually actually) the f*cking truth!

I imagine that I’m not the only man who’s had trouble understanding this concept. For (most of) us, sex without an orgasm is like going to your favorite BBQ place, ordering a slab of ribs, smelling them, biting them, chewing, and then spitting it back onto the plate. But, apparently, women don’t work that way, and can be perfectly content with occasionally chewing and spitting (and sleeping) instead of swallowing.

(There is one caveat, though. “Occasionally” wasn’t put there by accident. Extending my quintuple entendre even further, they have to, um, “swallow” pretty consistently too to be okay with the occasional chewing and spitting.)

2. They’re all hoarders. Every single one of them.

Lemme put it this way. If one of your homeboys asks you to help him move, you know that if you all get started at 8am, you’ll be done in time to make your weekly 1pm pick-up game.

If a woman asks you to help her move, though, 8am-1pm will just be the time spent cleaning out her f*cking bathroom.

You will also find yourself having conversations like this:

“I didn’t know you liked to sew.”

“I don’t”

“Oh. Well, why to you have this full sewing set?”

“Oh, I forgot all about that. My aunt bought that for me on my 22nd birthday. I tried using it, but it makes my fingers swell up.”

“Oh, ok. This is going in the trash then, right?”

“Heavens no! I’m not throwing that away”

3. They’re just as scared of commitment as men stereotypically are, but they just do a better job of hiding it.

It makes perfect sense, actually. Women who want to be wives and mothers and shit have like an 18 minute window to determine if some guy who doesn’t even wash when he takes showers (“I just like to let the heat and water cleanse me“) won’t knock her up, bounce, and basically waste the rest of her reproductive years raising the product of his jackal jizz by herself.

And, while men who’ve made “bad” commitments can start entirely new families a decade or three later, women, well…women can star on Starter Wives.

4. If she likes you—like, really likes you—she’s going to start to do things that will annoy the f*ck out of you. But, 96 times out of 100, those “things that will annoy the f*ck out of you” are just “things that she’s doing to alter your lifestyle in order to help extend your time on Earth…so she’ll have 60 years to continue to annoy you instead of 40″

***Wondering where to forward all the hate mail I’m going to receive from men already pissed that their girl threw all the salt in the house away and wakes them up at 7am every morning to do yoga and even more pissed now that their girl will read today’s entry, and say “See. Champ knows that the 5am kayaking and beet and alfalfa shakes are good for your heart“***

5. She really, really, really is paying attention to the way we dance.

And the way we interact with other women. And the way we walk. And the way we walk if we’re walking into a crowded room, and whether that moment changes anything about us. And the way we drive. And the way we look at them. And the way we look when we see them for the first time in a while. And the way we use utensils.

6. You know why they get so frustrated with a grown man who doesn’t seem to know what the f*ck he wants out of life? Because, well…they don’t know what the f*ck they want, either.

As always, everyone is wrong about everything, all of the time.

But, if she likes you and you’re at least making a sincere (and adult) effort to figure it out—whatever “it” happens to be—she’ll believe in you.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me, but I’m curious. What are some things you’ve learned about the opposite sex in the last few years? We’re all fam and shit. Don’t be scared to share.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

‘I Stopped Telling Women to Smile (and You Should, Too)’

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I never quite understood it when women—relatives, friends, co-workers, etc—complained about men asking them to smile. “You can’t have it both ways,” I’d argue. “You can’t complain about men not approaching you, but also be annoyed with men suggesting that you should try and look more pleasant.” Plus, what the hell is wrong with smiling? I guess it could be slightly annoying to hear a request like that all of the time, but how effed up do you have to be to be consistently mad at someone asking you to smile? It’s not like these dudes are asking for women to tap dance nude, or even for phone numbers. A smile is a simple, natural, positive act, and I was annoyed with them for being annoyed by the request.

This all changed one day when, well, just let me tell the story.

“On the bright side, I still hate my job.”

This last statement served as a culmination for a ten minute long speech/exhale/rant/stream of consciousness delivered to me during lunch with a friend (“Nicki”). She was having the awfullest out of awful weeks, and instead of biting into the ceaser salad sitting in front of her, she used a third of the precious half hour we had to eat to purge. I couldn’t help but laugh at the last statement—a sign that, despite her bad week, her sense of humor was still intact.

Before I continue, I need to give a bit more background about this friend. We initially met each other through my girlfriend at the time (They were line sisters), and we grew to be friends over the span of that relationship, bonding over the same hate for Kobe Bryant. Since we both worked near downtown, we’d occasionally meet for lunch. Also, Nicki is very good-looking. So good-looking that there was never a time when we were together where men didn’t either give me the subtle head nod of impressededness or try to sneak peeks (or slip numbers) when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.

Why does this matter? Well, she got an emergency call during lunch and had to run out. We said our goodbyes, she walked out, and I could see her through the restaurant’s window, waiting for a bus across the street. I didn’t ask what the call was about, but it obviously upset her even more. As she stood there, her face sullen, her body language anxious, it finally dawned on me.

After hearing Nicki tell me the details of her awful week, watching her take a phone call that somehow made things even worse, and seeing her wait for a bus, clearly upset, it angered me knowing there was a good chance some guy would notice this beautiful woman—depressed for various reasons—and politely (but insistently) demand that she put a smile on her face

Read more at Ebony.com

Can We Be Best Friends? (Short Answer: Probably Not)

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Although I’m aware the unfathomably perfect egg-shaped oval sitting on top of my shoulders holds a brain at least 16% bigger than the average person’s, I know that I don’t know everything. In fact, I don’t know most things. Actually, if you compare “what I do know” with “the amount of things that are possible to be known,” what I know is so insignificant that it basically amounts to not knowing shit.

With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that I learn new shit in the comments here pretty regularly. And, even if I’m not learning new shit, I often encounter a perspective that forces me to rethink something I previously thought to be true.

This most recently occurred last week, during Panama’s “Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking.” AmaniKwenu left a comment that, well, let’s just look at it first

I don’t think men and women are truly friends. Especially men and women who are in relationships with each other. That’s not to say that men and women can’t be friends–but its rare. There’s usually–not always, but usually–some form of sexual tension between “platonic” male and female relationships. Before you start to say how you have a platonic male/female friend, remember that such relationships are the exceptions and not the rule. 

I figured this out from watching The Wire. I had never seen so many stories from a completely raw male perspective until I started watching that show. The way the characters were able to open up to themselves and reveal all that was in their hearts was…beautiful. But as I was watching it, I realized that this was a part of themselves that these characters usually wouldn’t reveal to the women on the shows. Just as how real life men don’t usually reveal their true selves to real life women.

I asked myself why. I thought men just have a problem with communication. But that can’t be true if men can communicate among people of their own gender. I thought women would think less of men if they truly opened up. That may be true. But I don’t think that’s the real issue, seeing as how its only a symptom of a larger problem. Men and women aren’t really friends.

When you are friends with someone, you genuinely enjoy their company. You think of them before you think of yourselves. You’re kind and loyal. You’re there when they need you. You’re decent, cordial, polite and respectful of their time, space and person. How often do the men on this blog complain of the behavior of the women in their lives and vice versa? How often does that happen in romantic relationships? How often do people find themselves with people who they ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT hang around with if they weren’t “seeing” them?

I’ll tell you the answer–way too often. If someone can’t be open and communicate with a person they’re in a relationship with, then are they truly friends with that person? I believe its possible to love someone, to be physically intimate with someone, to be in a relationship with someone, but not truly be friends with that person. That’s why you can date someone, exchange heartfelt I love you’s, have and raise children together, but still feel miles apart.

If men and women were truly friends, women wouldn’t be surprised at the types of conversations that men have among themselves–because they’d be an active part of them

Now, if you’ve been around VSB for a while, you’re probably familiar with my opinion about men, women, and platonic friendships. Basically, because it’s so rare that men and women meet each other under conditions where physical/sexual attraction is a complete non-factor, the term “platonic” just doesn’t fit most of the male/friend friendships that exist. My opinion about this is so strong that I devoted the first chapter in our book to talking about it.

Well, was so strong. Since then, a few relationships in my own life caused my feelings about that subject to evolve. I still thought that the word “platonic” just didn’t fit (more on why in a minute), but came to realize that I cultivated friendships with a couple women that were just as strong as the friendships I have with my closest male friends. In fact, since I interacted with the female friends more often than the male ones, you could argue that, for the time being, they were even stronger.

But, as AmaniKwenu’s comment pointed out, our relationships had limitations. First, any relationship that can only begin and thrive if certain conditions are present is inherently flawed. With each of these female friends, the direction of our friendship was somewhat dependent on our relationship statuses. As anyone who has a “platonic” friend of the opposite sex knows, once someone starts dating someone new (or becomes newly single), things…change. And, if something as arbitrary and tenuous as a new romantic relationship can effect a friendship that quickly and that easily, maybe the friendship wasn’t as strong and steady as you thought it was.

Also—and I know this is going to sound awful, but I need to say it anyway—AmaniKwenu’s point about (most) men not being completely comfortable opening themselves up to female friends brings up another, less flattering aspect of many male/female friendships: Guys who “hold back” with women hold back because, in their minds, revealing everything increases the possibility that the “I might be able to hit it one day” window completely closes.

Basically, the reason why it’s so difficult for men and women to maintain friendships is because (most) men never lose sight of the fact that the woman is a…woman. And, instead of seeing them as friends who just happen to be women, they’re always women first. If they happen to be friends, fine. Great! But, they’re still women. And, as long as they’re still women, under the right circumstances, they can get f*cked. Not exactly the best foundation for a great, great friendship.

As I stated earlier, though, I don’t know everything. In fact, I don’t know most things. Please remember and refer to me not knowing everything when evaluating the opposite sex friendships in your own lives. I really want someone to prove me wrong, to show me that a man and a woman can be life-long BFF’s without any type of sexual or relationship interference.

But, although I basically don’t know shit, I still do know that’s probably not going to happen.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)