Tag Archives: women

Oh No Booboo, You Did Not Just Call Me That!

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My buddy! Where ever I go!

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

You may have heard that somewhere. It’s popular on schoolyards everywhere as future millionaires fend off the numerous taunts of usually bigger, cooler, or more assholish kids who make fun of each other during Act One of the omnipresent stage play, Life.

I know I’ve said it before to somebody. Probably to some girl who called me a name when I was six or seven. I’m guessing it was my best rebuttal. Either that or the similarly popular, “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.” It’s funny how ridiculously ridiculous these statements are but how clear they are to children. I swear, there isn’t a kid alive who doesn’t know how to turn that statement around on another kid.

The main notion behind these statements is that words are just that, words. That they don’t necessarily hold much Oprah sometimes, and that short of being bludgeoned with a Louisville Slugger, for the most part, you can just get up and move on past something someone has just said that you don’t necessarily agree with.

Well, me…I’m calling bullsh*t, especially the older you get. I don’t know which is a bigger lie: actions speak louder than words or Kim Kardashian loved Kris Humphries.

And for the record, I do think actions speak loud. But I think that words carry just as much weight.

Now, I won’t be focusing on that “actions speak louder than words” segment, but more on how certain words really can get you in an assblender of trouble.

[Another aside: This post has nothing to do with the posts from last week. While I still have a lot to say about the fallout from my vantage, today I’m not going to address it.]

One specific word actually.

Question, question: what’s the worst word you can call a woman who’s got any sort of interest in you?

Or a man for that matter?

Buddy.

Yes. It’s buddy.

(You thought it was going to be b*tch didn’t you?)

Oh, you don’t believe me? You can case study this sh*t if you want to. Allow me to offer a situation from my own life as fodder for discussion.

Once upon a blue moon, I was a lovestruck idiot in college. I’d managed to find a woman who for whatever reason got me all in a tizzy. Now, despite my constant attempts to woo this woman, she managed to fend off my advances like she was practicing for the National DisANinja Time Trials. But she didn’t exactly want me to not continue to woo her since my woo-age was neither stalkerish nor annoying. My woo-age included flowers, poetry, and trips to cheap dinners. Basically, I had your all around being a nice guy who really likes a girl thing going on. I’d do dumb sh*t hoping she’d take notice despite the fact that she’d made it clear she wasn’t really trying to be with me, though clearly she was interested but it might have just been in the way I treated her.

Figure out if she’s worth it, then treat her like a Queen. I had that little equation backwards.

But one fine day, as we were on the phone, me in my nonchalant manner innocently said to her, “hey buddy…”

STOP.

Have you seen I’m Gonna Get You Sucka? Do you remember the part where the mother who is on her period turns into the monsterish thing who is doing back flips and sh*t when folks come into her house looking for Jack Spade? Yeah, that was this chick.

I felt like I had just shot her grandmother with a rusty barnacle. She went off on me. Now remember, this was a chick who didn’t want to be with me, but apparently she for damn sure didn’t like the connotation that comes along with being called a buddy.

“I am NOT your buddy.”

Sheesh.

I left that alone after that and had learned my lesson.

That was until the next time I used that term and the exact same thing occurred.

And you know what, I didn’t get it at first. Why would these women who seemingly don’t want to be with me get so offended at the use of the term “buddy”. Then it dawned on me.

Women f*cking HATE that word because it makes them feel less special. “No he didn’t call me his buddy. What I look like? His boy Jim that he plays ball with!!! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit…he better had get right in his mind!”

And in some ways I can kind of understand. Maybe its unintentionally intentional, but words like “buddy” tend to pop up when people are dating and they’re in that limbo, where-are-we-going stage. Maybe we’re all just playing mind games with one another.

The dude is thinking that if he calls her buddy and he gets a reaction then he knows she’s feeling him definitely. Kind of like forcing the green light. On that stupid a** Love Jones sh*t.

I need to say this here…I f*ckin’ HATE when people try to passively aggressively bait me into stuff. I know some folks who go out of their way to force an issue by total beat-around-the bushage. I want those people to get hit by lightning.

Most people I know hate passive-agressive bastards too. It’s one thing if two dating people are passive-aggressively feeling each other out in hopes of, you know, feeling each other out later. It’s something altogether different when people say this:

“We might need to talk about something later on.”

Umm…the f*ck does that mean? What do you mean might? If we might need to talk about it later on then we probably DO need to talk about it now.

What was I talking about?

Ah yes, women hate feeling less than special. Especially if they like you. Even more especially than the past especially if questions are lingering about the direction two people are heading.

Which is why a term like “buddy” is so loaded.

In some ways I don’t even think its deeper than that. An interested woman wants to know that you feel that she’s more special than other random folks in your life, whether its true or not. Even if she’s not interested.

Which makes total sense to at least 90 percent of the women reading this right now.

Got it, buddy?

Good.

Ladies, how do you feel about being called his “buddy”? And what words send men over the edge? Fellas, what say you? You ever referred to a woman in a friendship manner only to get your head chopped off?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. B.U.D.D.Y. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DC heads, its time again for another edition of REMINISCE! at Liv Nightclub this Saturday, February 4th, 2012 from 930pm til 3am. It’s all 90s everything and anybody who has been will tell you this party is a motherf*cking monster. It’s FREE BEFORE 11PM WITH RSVP ($10 after) (click the link to RSVP), OPEN BAR FROM 930-1030PM (doors open earlier b/c people keep showing up MAD early) and no dress code. Supa Qool DJ Quartermaine on the 1s and 2s. Come on out and we’ll see you on Saturday night! Peep the FB event here!

Common Called You a B*tch And All You Did Was Smile

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"Hey b*tch, let me treat you like the queen you are."

Let me start this off by saying that I’m a fan of Common. Or at least I’m not NOT a fan. But I’ve made some observations that I’d like to understand better.

See, Common likes to call women b*tches. And he does it with great aplomb. Yet, he’s seen his cache amongst women rise astronomically.

Hi. My name is Panama Jackson and I’m confused.

It’s interesting if you think about it. Common used to rail against being called a conscious rapper and then finally accepted the role and relished in it. He released a bunch of albums that were critically acclaimed that had fair to middling substantive subject matter but for some reason or another we place him in the realm of deep and throught-provoking. Okay. No problem with that. I prefer Common Sense, the rapper who would call out any and everybody for their f*ckery but the man’s gotta eat. In fact, the last time I truly felt Common as a rapper was on The Roots Things Fall Apart album on the song “Act Too (Love of My Life)”, one of my favorite hip-hop songs ever. Since then he’s more or less been a non-factor as a rapper. You may like him, but his verses don’t lack much punch or pizzazz. Hell, the most memorable thing about Common’s current career is the music he’s rapping over, not him. In fact, I’m confused as to who he thinks he is as a rapper.

Even more simply, the ONLY verse I really remember word for word on the entire Be album belongs to Kanye. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So what does all of this have to do with the price of a 50 Cent CD in Tijuana?

Well, being as he’s fallen off lyrically I’ve taken to paying more attention to what he’s actually saying. Odd future. I know. And two things have stood out to me:

1. He actually borders on terrible rapper at times. His recent verse on the Cocaine 80s song “Six Feet Over” where he says “I liked her like a simile…” kilt me dead. I imagine that line alone would garner any other trap rapper a “Worst Verse Alive” nod. But Common got a pass. Fair enough, the man’s put in work. Everybody has an off day. And even on his off days he at least is a decent wordsmith. But Rick Ross is more compelling. Yeah, marinate on that.

And I don’t care what anybody says, “Sweet” is not a dope track AND he sounds like a f*cking idiot with that tough guy talk at the end. It doesn’t even remotely sound believable. In fact, it also sounds completely antithetical to this person Common’s made himself out to be. You know, the ninja busting out the dope poetry at the motherf*cking White House for the Obamas.

Which brings me to the interesting second thing…

2. Common kind of talks about women like your run of the mill ignant ninja.

I remember the first time I noticed it, I was kind of taken aback. It was on “They Say” from the Be album. “…Com, I make righteous b*tches get low…”

Hmm. Then on “Make Her Say” on Cudi’s first album (he’s got a thing for songs where he’s got to “say” sh*t), he tells women to jump up on his “conscious d*ck”. Not exactly calling women b*tches there, but it’s similarly telling. I honestly feel like he could walk up to a woman and say that to her face and she’d think it was cute. It’s like the stalker thing…it ain’t stalking if you like him.

Then I’m listening to his latest album The Dreamer/The Believer (I think the split album title was kind of boofa) and I’m randomly listening to some songs and there this ninja goes AGAIN calling women b*tches.

Now, I believe in letting a grown man cook. Common is free to do his thing, but again, I’ve noticed that women absolutely adore this man. Or it seems like they do. Correct me if I’m wrong but Common has become a sex symbol. And that is par the course for many rappers. Women love T.I. But if T.I. called you a b*tch I don’t think anybody would bat an eye. However, Common is kind of supposed to be “enlightened” or some sh*t right? A thinking man’s rapper.

One who actually reads books and possibly listens to books on tape in the car. He’s the rapper women can listen to and love.

I remember telling one of my homegirls that Common was throwing the b-word recklessly on a song. She refused to believe it. I even played it for her and she justified it saying that he was just a rapper using his poetic license.

Whaaaaaaaaaa? So is Tyga on “Rack City” and short of strippers I can’t imagine any woman would actually listen to that on purpose.

Maybe its the acting roles. Maybe its the suits. Put a ninja in a tailored suit and women lose their damn minds. Maybe its because he smiles a lot and women view that as sincerity. Or probably more accurately, women just don’t listen to Common like that. They like looking at him but ain’t nobody but rap heads buying his albums. And men don’t care because, well, we ignant.

Maybe its my own fault too. I expect more out of the pseudo-deep rappers that really aren’t that deep. They like to call women b*tches because they hate feeling like they can’t. Word to Talib.

But I’m curious, why fore come Common can call women b*tches repeatedly and make fairly incendiary comments about women in song and still have his profile increase? Why no backlash?

Why don’t women care that Common is as ignant as any other rapper?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Check out Champ’s latest column at Madame Noire: Freshman Woes and Possessive Types

For the DC folks, don’t forget about Reminisce tomorrow night, Sat, January 7 at Liv Nightclub. Come party with Panama to old school hip-hop and r&b and get your groove on. Free entry before 11pm ($10 after), open bar from 10-11pm, and no dress code. Get yo’ life right, thugsta and hang with the kid: http://www.facebook.com/events/227693073973581/

The Inventions and Innovations of Women

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Some of y'all are writing this note RIGHT NOW.

When Plato said that “necessity is the mother of invention” he inadvertently had three major groups in mind: Black people, hoodrats, and women. While it is possible for one person to be a part of each of those groups simultaneously, I’d like to specifically speak to the last group, thee of the boob.

Hate it or love it, women are the most interesting creatures on the planet. A woman’s ability to run both hot and cold at the exact same time is truly a thing upon which to marvel. Only a woman can do something completely insane and somehow manage to make it another person’s fault for her being in that predicament. So what she murdered that stripper; YOU shouldn’t have been sleeping with her. To woman, the crime is merely a role player in the drama that is her rationality. What she needs from you is understanding. It’s as simple as 1,2,3. Understanding is what she needs.

And that’s not just understanding from men, by the way. That’s from everybody.

Please direct all hate mail to deeznuts@saultnuts.com

All jokes aside, in my travels throughout Womania, I’ve noticed that there are certain inventions that either had to be created by women or concepts that are solely woman-centric. More than likely because men just wouldn’t ever think of them. Woman. Brilliance. Same sh*t.

Here are a few examples of inventions or innovations that are 100 percent woman-centric:

1. Ex-bestfriends

Women actually have these. Men, we have dudes we ain’t as cool with as we used to be. Or dudes we just don’t f*ck with at all. But there’s no title. No declaration. Women on the other hand? EVERY WOMAN HAS AN EX-BEST FRIEND. In fact, I’m fairly certain in Woman School, there’s an entire class dedicated to that day that every woman becomes full bird and has to kick a friend to the curb and denote her as an actual ex-bestfriend. And that’s her actual title in conversations. “My ex-bestfriend, Quilta, and I used make beef patties with processed crab meats. Bawse.” In fact, I’d bet good money that when you meet a woman if you want to know what kind of person she is, all you have to do is say, “so tell me about your ex-bestfriend, I know you have one.” After she gets pissy at you for making assumptions, she’ll likely talk to you for a solid 20 minutes about this friend that is no longer. Because at the end of the day…that “b*tch” was trippin.

2. The Mute function on Twitter

Passive aggression, thy name is women. I remember the first time I saw the mute button on Twitter. I had no idea what it mean or what it was for until I asked a homegirl of mine who explained it to me. So wait, you don’t want to hear about your homegirls good times or she’s trippin so f*ck her, but you also don’t want to unfollow her because then she’ll know if she ever brings up your profile, so you just mute her timeline until you’re ready to actively be apart of her life again? Unfollow is bad luck. Smart folks mute back. Must have been a woman that started all that.

3. The inconvenience phone call

People say that  you should beware of a scorned woman. Poppycock. You know that some bad sh*t is going down if you scorn a woman. You can’t beware something that you can’t stop in the first place. You can only hope she has something to lose so she stops short of a felony. However, let your woman RANDOMLY feel inconvenienced by ANYTHING and dude, you’re getting a phone call. She feels inconvenienced so she has to inconvenience somebody else. Or LET him know how much she’s being inconvenienced by either his lack of presence or lack of compassion to know she’s being inconvenienced and not call and console and apologize for something that isn’t his fault. Basically, women are the worst sports on the planet. I remember one day I was listening to Hot 99.5′s Kane Show in the morning. The morning host, Kane’s wife called up the station pissed. She was at home with their two kids who were screaming in the background. So what did she do? Call him to let him know that she was having a bad day because he needed to know. Almost in a sort of, you’re out having fun and here I am doing the hard work. You know how if there’s a way that race can be a reason something happend, its a likely culprit? Well, I think for women, inconvenience is their beef 99 percent of the time. Hmm…which leads to another type of invention…

4. The f*ck-up-your-fun call

Every man is familiar with the rampant “you don’t care about me” phone calls during that one night a month he goes out with his boys. It’s like the second you go do something you had to seek permission for, the texts start. “When are you coming home?” Or the phone calls start. “You didn’t put the dishes up”. Which leads to man’s most important invention of all time…the Loud-Arse-Universal-Hush-and-Fun-Diversion-Tactic-That-Works-25%-Of-The-Time. Or LAUHFDTTW25OTT for short. A man see’s that his girl keeps calling he knows he has to answer so he hushes his boys (and strippers) the f*ck up so it doesn’t sound like’s having fun. Which never actually works because well, women aren’t stupid. And plus, fun or no fun, when she makes that call, its going down. Joc.

Good people of VSB, those are just a couple of women’s inventions. What are other fine innovations and inventions that women have created? Make Plato proud. And to be fair, ladies, what are completely male-centric inventions and innovations?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAKE IT RAIN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Check out Panama’s recap of Braxton Family Values episode 3 and latest blog post about women’s obsession with engagement rings and trapping men over on Guyspeak. Peep game shawty.

For the DC VSBers: Come out to the latest edition of REMINISCE (Facebook event link), the 90s party,  brought to you by Very Smart Brothas x Shine On Me x Just Cause Productions. This month’s party will feature a special tribute to Heavy D and a focus on Uptown Records (Waterbed Heav’s recording home). That means Mary and Guy and Father MC, etc. That means a good time. Get yo’ azz on out to Liv Nightclub on Saturday, 12/3. Free before 11, free drank before 11, and no dress code. And Champ will be in the building too. Sadatay. And invite all of your friends. Let’s make it a night to remember.

Church Hat Swag

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I don’t understand church hats. For the most part, they’re annoyingly huge visual obstacles preventing me from seeing my pastor help me see my Jesus. You know, when I had one.

I remember one Sunday I wanted to take the obnoxious hat off of the lady in front of me and fling that b*tch (the hat, not the woman) clear across the sanctuary to see what kind of distance I could get.

But women seem to be fascinated with them. Not sure if they just look like the fashion choice of a grown or mature woman or what, but so many women I know look forward to the days where they rock the church hat and tambourine combo at church. Add to the fact that those joints look heavy on top of what has to be a pretty hefty lace-front and color me all kinds of lost.

Women love them some church hats.

I’ve always associated the 28-gallon hats that I’ve witnessed as some sort of high society southern belle snobbery type didgeridoo. ß–that’s an instrument and not a hat. Could be that I grew up down South and the women I often saw rocking them at our Stone Temple Pilot to Nowhere Methodist Cum Baptist Standing On The Dock of The Bay Missionary Non-denominational Church weren’t exactly high society, but they played the part.

And if it goes down, y’all, that’s my heart.

Maybe it’s like the Black man Cadillac. There used to be something about rolling in a Caddy that just made all right with the world. That was the established ninja car. Nowadays, Caddys have lost their stronghold in my mind of what an established older Black man drives. But a Caddy is still a Caddy. But that’s a car. It goes to and fro and doesn’t obstruct anybody’s view of Venus. It also doesn’t draw odd attention to a woman who is 5’2” wearing a hat twice her size that’s Easter pink. With a veil. And what looks like odd little blueberries attached.

And a bow.

I really hate the bows.

Then you’ve got the huge boxes the hats come in. When I was little, I would sleep in those boxes. You could move into one now in NYC and have to pay $1,000 for rent. They take up so much space in an already crammed closet with the rest of the shiny, shimmery clothing that only comes out on special occasion and funerals, which ever comes first.

So we’ve got big a** boxes that house big a** hats that barely fit in cars and doorways that are generally only reserved for the church house, a place where a man cannot wear a hat out of fear of being disrespectful…to somebody. Coupled with the ginormous sized purses some women wear and you’ve got a whole lot of heft going on.

On Sunday.

Now let me say that I have seen some women rock the mimosa out of a church hat. Hey, some women just have it like that.

I wonder…is it some type of rite of passage into womanhood in certain circles? I went to see the play Crowns some years ago (great play) and I got the impression that awoman’s crown or hat was a sort of passing of the torch type deal. Akin to somebody’s daddy handing down his most prized possession like a watch or something (my dad does have quite the watch collection…I’m scheming). Maybe the passing of the hat comes with an hours long convo about the history of this hat from Macy’s to the head of your great-great-grandmother who wore it while she was fighting injustice down by the riverside.

I don’t know. But I’m curious.

Ladies? What’s with the church hat fascination? Do you have hats? Does it add to your womanhood? And fellas, is there a male equivalent.

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HAT DANCE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

“The Unprompted D*ck Pic” and 4 More Things We (Men) Need To Stop Forever

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He got it at Jared

I was in NYC last week to participate in a dating and relationship roundtable discussion with several other writers and bloggers. While hanging out during the accompanying photoshoot, we — the three male writers in attendance — were involved in a kind of heated and completely hilarious conversation with a few of the stylists on set. Apparently, the emailboxes of each of these women were full of random wangs — short, tall, long, wrong, etc — and the only thing each of these pics had in common was the fact that none of them were requested.

One woman even told us about a time a year or so ago when she was in the cab back home from a decent first date with a guy. She felt her cell phone buzzing, saw the guy’s number, assumed he was texting to make sure she got home okay, opened the message prepared to see “Hey, just wanted to make sure you made it home ok” or “Had a great time tonight,” but was greeted with a glistening wang with the words “Sneak Preview” attached to it. One’s left to wonder if he carried a bottle of Vaseline in his pocket to always be prepared to send a shiny d*ck pic or if he just had the pic stored on his phone for special occasions.

Although none of us had actually done the unprompted d*ck pic thing ourselves, three possible reasons for this act were brought up.

A) It’s a simple bait for easy chicks. Let’s say you send a d*ck pic to 15 different women. Although most will be disgusted/indifferent (or will at least feign disgust/indifference), there might be a couple who are amused/intrigued/aroused by it, and now you have three new chicks who want to f*ck and all you had to do to cultivate interest was stick an iPhone in your boxers.

B) We occasionally assume that most women are turned on by our bodies in the same way that we’re turned on by theirs. As my homie J-Russ has joked, it doesn’t even take boobs or booty to get us. Sometimes a chick’s shoulder blade or bare ankle is enough to make us all verklempt, and we sometimes forget that women’s arousal can be a bit more, um, complicated than that.

C) Remember lunchtime recess in 3rd grade, when some boys used to flash girls at the swings and then run away laughing when she screamed or blushed? (and by “some” I mean “all”) Well, let’s just say that certain parts of some of us never grow up, and many of us will never not enjoy showing our d*cks to random women.

Anyway, the unprompted d*ck pic is just one of the many things many of us continue to do even though — if the women I’ve met are any indication — very, very, very few women actually seem to enjoy it.

Here’s four more.

2. The too soon “I miss you” text/phone call/email message

You know what’s funny? The men who do this are usually completely disingenuous. I mean f*ck, the date just ended 13 minutes ago. There’s no way in hell you miss her Aspergers having ass already. But, many of us send that message just to get some extra points, oblivious to the fact that there’s a 97.9% chance that she’ll think you’re a corny f*cking lame after receiving it.

3. The foreplay ear-tongue play

Guys, raise your hand if you’ve ever stuck your tongue in a woman’s ear while making out. Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever had that happen to you. Now, keep those hands up if you’ve ever actually enjoyed that.

Exactly.

4. Asking “how many” 

Although “how many” does actually matter (that’s another topic for another day), asking the question is an exercise in futility. Why? Well, she’ll either get pissed at you for asking, lie about the number, or tell the truth and make you want to hide under the table. And yes, if you’re the type of guy who’d ask, you’re probably also the type whose feelings would get hurt if her number is higher than D.Wade’s jersey.

5. The plan-less date

I know, I know, I know. We think we’re doing the right thing. We just want to make her happy, we want her to enjoy her time, and, ever since that time two years ago when we accidentally watched a couple scenes from Erin Brockovich, we’re aware of women’s rights and shit.

But, while many of us think that “It’s whatever. I don’t have any preference. Whatever you want to do.” is the optimum way to approach dating in these increasingly androgynous times, there are few things that dry panties quicker than a date without a plan.

Seriously, it doesn’t even have to be a good plan. It could be a bad plan. An awful plan. An egregiously shitty plan on par with “Let’s let the guy who was caught raping a kid in the showers unrestricted access to our locker room.” Shit, you can even change plans. Just make sure to have something, anything in place to let her know you put more than five seconds worth of thought into your evening. Plus, if you allow her to make her own plans you make her accountable for her own happiness, and we all know they don’t want that to happen either. (another topic for another day)

Anyway, people of VSB: Do you agree with my list?

Also, can you think of any thing else that we (men) continue to do even though we know that most women kind of hate it? 

***Coming tomorrow: “55 Things Women Need To Stop Forever“***

—The Champ