While popular opinion is that men want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed, the truth of the matter is, most men want you to be who they want you to be in bed.  What does that mean?

Well, it means that all men really aren’t into S&M behavior and some might actually be scared off if you showed up with a whip in one hand and a jar of mayonnaise in the other.

By the way, I have no clue what a jar of mayonnaise could be used for and quite frankly, I’ve just managed to disgust myself.

Excuse me.

*smoke break*

Back.

Now the problem with this disconnect is that so many women hear about men that are into so much different stuff that a woman might be inclined to try some “new things” in order to please her man.  But instead of asking, she’ll just give it a whirl and next thing you know, dude is looking at her sideways at breakfast the next morning and refuses to eat her toast.

That’s kind of a pun.

Now don’t get me wrong, a lot of men and women are very happy to have an experimental partner in el sacko and let’s be real, boring partners just are not the cats meow.  But you can definitely go too far.  So as a service to all the good people out there in VSB land (and other blogs that will rip this for Thursday’s entry and pretend it’s original), here are some things that you should probably ask your partner about before doing.

And yes.  Shots. Fired.

1)  Biting

While a good softly bitten lip can go so far to express desires a plenty, a bitten bun gets you b*tchslapped, b*tch.  Seriously, keep them damn incisors to your self and stop looking at your your partner like a steak (or steak’um for the broke crowd).  Biting really isn’t for everybody.  For one, that sh*t really can hurt.  There’s a reason ghetto chicks use it as a weapon.  That and dental work in the hood is so scarce motherf*ckers teeth actually are deadly weapon on some jagged edge sh*t.  Or ruff endz.

No more shopping sprees.

2)  Food

Eating is an activity of daily living.  This is understood.  However, introducing food into the bedroom is something that should be treaded lightly.  Look, yeast infections aren’t good things.  Period.  So adding more by bringing in bread, whipped cream, and croutons isn’t exactly always going to come off well.  Especially since I have clue what in the world one might do with croutons.  Of course, strawberry’s and chocolate is always a good way to go if you must introduce food and all but really, event hat needs to be cleared.  Nobody wants chocolate in their crack.  You usually wipe that sh*t.

No pun intended.

3)  Candles

I might be willing to fight somebody if they “accidentally” poured candle wax on me or my little friend.  Candlewax is damn near fighting words to me right now.  Candlewax is hot, as evidenced by the presence of an ever-lasting FLAME atop the wick (no gonorrhea).  I’m just saying, if you want to introduce stuff that Smokey the Bear has been railing against for decades, you should probably mention it upfront.

4)  Whips/Chains/Bondage

In the famous words of D.C. Curry, “I wasn’t a slave, but I heard about it and that sh*t didn’t sound fun then…”  How whips and chains made the leap from slavery to the sack is beyond me but some folks love it.  However, you can’t just go whipping people.  And after seeing Danny Glover’s back in Beloved, frankly, I’m side-eying any Black man who is into that sh*t.

5)  Extra people

Suffice it to say, most folks have probably been interested in a threesome or moresome in their lives.  However,  you can’t just get somebody’s motor running and then say, “oh wait, Betty or Jimbo is downstairs and I KNOW they’d love to get down us tonight.”  I’d probably be a little upset and I might not speak to you for the rest of the evening.  Maybe that’s just me though.

Anyway, those are some things that you really should consult with your partner before first but we all know that the possibilities are endless when it comes to redroom romper ruckus.

What are some bad bedroom ideas and what should you REALLY clear with your partner first?

Educate the masses who are going to make mistakes this evening.

Care about your fellow human.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3