the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete

hmmm. maybe "i dont do commitment" actually isn't mancode for "i'll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me"
maybe “i dont do commitment” actually isn’t mancode for “i’ll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me”

you know, after we reach each of our crime-fighting and world domination goals, our plan is to live in a world where vsb has been rendered obsolete, a universe where the sage wisdom of panama, the champ, and liz’s boobs is no longer needed because everyone is making wise relationship-related decisions on their own.

thing is, we’re really not that far from that day, as much of the dating and mating acrimony we face (and the advice received) would be thwarted if we just started asking ourselves simple questions and began making simple mental comments and observations before acting, “voila!” statements if you will.

here’s 8 of them

1. “hmmm: would i be forced to kill somebody if i got her pregnant?”

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

2. “you know, maybe my perpetually single and unhappy girlfriends aren’t the best people to get relationship advice from”

3. “all of my friends seem to want to sleep with my man, and its getting pretty frustrating. i wonder if my daily tweets, emails, and facebook status messages about his d*ck have anything to do with that?”

4. “i love my stringent female beauty standards just the way they are. but, until i move out of my grandma’s basement, maybe i should either adjust them or just start keeping them to myself”

imagine, a world where lame men don’t hold all women to unrealistically and unattainably attractive standards, and where the rest of the men don’t have to listen to women incessantly b*tching about the men who do this, even though they only comprise 6% of the male population

5. “damn. another month has passed without a single man approaching me. i probably should try this new ‘sileing‘ or ‘miling‘ or whatever facial expression thing everybody keeps raving about.”

6. “even though he’s been really nice and sweet to me, i wonder if i should be more bothered by the man i saw him murder last weekend”

if i had a dollar for every woman i’ve known who’s attracted to shady dudes and needed consolation after he did some shady sh*t to her, i’d have at least 11 f*cking dollars. i know that doesn’t seem like alot of money, but it’s a recession, and that can get you a month’s worth of meals in pittsburgh

7. “f*ck! shot down again. maybe i should retire my genius ‘do you know the difference between my d*ck and a chicken leg? no? well, let’s go on a picnic and find out.‘ pick-up line”

8. “i should probably stop by the weight scale store at the mall some time next weekend. while i’m there, it wouldn’t hurt to peek inside the mirror store next door for a minute as well.”

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of vsb.com, can you think of any more inner “voila” statements that could make the dating and relationship game much easier?

—the champ

whats in a name?

recently, a former f-buddy lazily platonic friend of the champ’s told me that the dude she’s currently dating referred to himself as her boyfriend for the first time. after i had a moment of silence for another former team member taking advantage of their free agency clause, this conversation quickly segued into a full-fledged discussion about the complete and utter weirdness of that word, and the fact that despite the complete and utter weirdness, people continue to use it.

boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are the generic terms most people use to describe an exclusive, non-married significant other, but really, how appropiate is it for a 50 year old divorcee grandmother to refer to the 56 year old plumber she met at a promise-keepers conference in kansas city that’s been laying pipe for the past couple of months as her effing boyfriend? what gives here? why do we continue to use such an inapplicable word with such extreme prejudice? why do i only seemingly care passionately about such inane subjects?

today, at the world famous vsb.com, the champ will discuss the merits and faults of a few of the different terms used for non-married significant others, hopefully eventually finding and agreeing on a term that can eventually replace boyfriend and girlfriend in our general lexicon.

“boyfriend”

–is the common generic term, but the “boy” involved gives it a bit of a juvenile feel. sure “boyfriend” is cool when you’re 14, double dating at dave and busters and fantasizing about a possible extended finger bang in the backseat of a minivan later on, but it just sounds wrong to hear a 35 year old women talking about “boning her boyfriend

***sidenote: unless, of course, said girlfriend is kenya moore, and said boyfriend is the champ, in which case, she could call the champ whatever the hell she pleased***

“girlfriend”

–also a common generic term, but black woman have made it too ambiguous. “girlfriend” could be anything from a man’s mate to a woman’s best friend drunken weekend carpet muncher. we need some unambiguousness. i like that word, unambiguousness. i think “unambiguousness” might even replace “lil champ” as the name for, ummm, “lil champ”.

“mate”

–too vanilla. also, since “mating” is one of the proper ways of saying “f**king” or “boning”, wouldn’t saying “my mate” be the same as saying “my f*ck” or “my bone”? wouldn’t that be a bit presumptious? doesn’t “mate” have a somewhat animalistic connotation? if sarah palin had a kid in the woods, would michelle malkin adopt it?

“manfriend”

–sounds like something my ex fiancee’s mom would say…and she’s 67.

“ladyfriend”

–whenever i hear this term i think about some 45 year old divorced chick named shirley that works at blue cross/blue shield, drives a cavalier with a leopard interior and smokes newports. i actually think that all 45 year old women who still date should just be referred to as “shirleys”

“significant other”

–eh. what if you’re just exclusively dating and sleeping with this cat, but the relationship and the person really aint that significant to you?

“gentleman caller”

–sounds too date-rapey for some reason. whenever i see this i think of a character michael beach would play

the gentleman caller, personified

the gentleman caller, personified

“partner”

–along with the raindow (a subject that panama wrote about like 8 years ago) gay people ruined this word for everybody else.

“man”

–too possessive. and, even though a 21 year old is technically a man, it sounds terrible to me when any chick younger than 30 refers to the guy she’s seeing as her “man”, to the point that just hearing the hook from nivea’s “dont mess with my man” used to invoke uncontrollable dry heaving

“woman”

–just like “man”, “woman” only works with somebody you’ve had sex with at least 200 times. men that refer to the woman they’re seeing as “my woman” probably are most likely to beat their women or cheat as well. of course, i have absolutely no concrete reason or proof for that determination…its just a hunch.

“my girl”

–this one is actually my favorite. it sounds a bit more intimate than “girlfriend“, and also lets the person know that they’re your n-word as well as the person theyre having monkey sex with. i dont think theres an age cut-off with this one as well. unfortunately…

“my boy”

–doesnt have the same connotation. there is nothing more platonic sounding than a chick refering to a guy she’s seeing as “my boy“. in fact, i have a theory that states that whenever a woman does do that, its a way of hinting that “you know, i’m with him and shit…but if something better came along, i’d drop him quicker than amil

bf” and “gf”

–great for text, but they both just sound too impersonal. plus, “bf” sounds too close to “bm”, and noone whats to be referred to on a consistent basis with something that sounds a euphemism for sh*tting.

“my lady”

–would work, except for the fact that at least 86 percent of the time, it would be a blatant lie

“wifey”

the shelf life on using “wifey” in an unironic sense expired in 2001.

“my chick/dude

—this is a bit too mid-atlantic-ey, which is fine for me, but i like to keep things simple for the southerners. i’m considerate like that.

“my earth/God/goddess/queen/king/power u/spirit/field/galaxy/soulmate/vision”

—shut the f**k up.

ok. i’m stuck. with the exception of “my girl” (which, admittedly, is more lukewarm than t.i.’s verse in “S.L.U.”) none of these terms seem to work. was i wrong? did i forget something? does this sh*t even matter? people of vsb.com, the champ needs his toast your help.

what do you think?

—the champ

hair, hair, hair

i’ve had the exact same haircut for thirteen years.

real eggheads do real things

see, egghead

since allen iverson influenced me to upgrade from a close fade to a ceaser some time in the winter of 1995, i’ve stayed loyal (heh) to the cut. sure, i occasionally change the length and thickness of my beard and mustache, but my hair has basically remained the same.

at the base level, professing to having the exact same cut for over a decade seems somewhat odd until you remember that for a professional black male, there really aren’t that many variations. this is a stark contrast to the 80′s, a decade which saw the virtual wild wild west of acceptable adult black male hair. nowadays, our choices have basically been narrowed down to ceaser, short fro, locks, or bald. sure, if my head wasnt shaped exactly like an easter egg i could conceivably grow cornrows or rock mini’s with watermelon jolly ranchers at the tips, but i know that doing such could, no, wait, would stifle my professional and social growth as well as insure many nights of dry penis.

although we’ve commonly and willfully accepted that a change in hairstyle can drastically alter a persons job prospects, we seem to be a bit hesitant to admit how much it affects our dating selves as well. in a perfect world, i wouldn’t be lactose intolerant, jim jones would be dead be managing a bodega in new rochelle, and your hair wouldnt really matter that much to anyone else. bald or perm, braids or process, in a perfect world you’d still get the same type of attention from the opposite sex regardless of what’s happening on your scalp. its the person inside that matters, right? your hair should have sh*t to do with that.

yet, as i hear “come home with me” obnoxiously blasting from some car outside my bedroom window, i’m reminded that jim jones is still alive, cookies and cream shakes give me impressive gas, and hair matters.

hair matters in the sense that a particular hairstyle can give strangers immediate synopsizes of your personality. adjectives such as “afro-centric“, “high-maintenance“, “free spirited”, “hood rat-ish“, and “gotdamn foolish” could be immediately assigned to you, and this same immediate synopsis affects what type of person might be drawn to you. as i jokingly mentioned before, i know that if i had cornrows instead of the simple ceaser, i wouldnt have been able to bag some of the women ive bagged before, their decisions solely based off of my implied maturity level and income potential. regardless of whether or not this is right or wrong, you can’t deny that its true

hair matters because with many black women, merely suggesting to them that changing their hair might possibly result in increased attention from the opposite sex could induce eyerolls, dialated eyeballs, eye-poking, and eventually eye-gouging.

hair matters because, well, none of us would have ever heard of kelis if it didnt, and, well, we all know how much the idea of kelis has influenced the direction of each of our lives

hair matters because, well, i’m not even gonna attempt to discuss the long and nuanced history regarding african-american women and their hair, so i’m just use this clip as my cheat sheet:

so, coarsely maned fine people of vsb.com, how does hair matter to you?

—the champ