5 Questions We All Need To Ask Ourselves Before Having Sex

I’m sorry. I guess I just had alot on my mind. It’ll be better next time, I promise.

While I doubt you’ll find either Panama or I at any Neighborhood Watch meetings (Liz, on the other hand, is a Neighborhood Watch Stan. She even walks the streets of Harlem three nights a week with a bullhorn and a white t-shirt with “You’re being watched” in black block letters. It’s not a game with Liz’s neighborhood watch game), we hope that our advice and suggestions lead to a happy, smart, and well-adjusted populace. Since “happy, smart, and well-adjusted people” usually equals “better interpersonal relationships“, and “better interpersonal relationships” usually equal “less murders“, you can see how committed we are to fighting crime.

With this in mind, my completely unscientific observations tell me the bedroom is the cause of most crime. More specifically, what happens (and doesn’t happen) in the sack eventually leads to most of the world’s sadness, sorrow, suffering, and Soulja Boy, and much of this could be prevented if we just started asking ourselves the right questions before making the beast with two backs.

1. Would somebody have to die if someone got pregnant?

Since pregnancy is always a possibility when penetration is involved, this question actually ranks up there with “Wait, shouldn’t that cage be locked?” and “Has my penis always been that color?” on the list of “The Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself, Ever.

Basically, if you’re thinking about sleeping with someone and the mere thought of them possibly contributing to your gene pool makes you want to invest in bleach and roach repellent, maybe the ol’ roll in the hay might be a worse idea than “Outsourced”

2. Is there a chance my happy ass might catch feelings?

3. I know I could really give two sh*ts about this sex, but is there a chance their happy ass might catch feelings?

Just think about how different our world would be if everyone asked themselves these questions before boning. While our music and movies would undoubtedly be less interesting, imagine a world where no Facebook accounts were hacked, no cars were keyed, and no one had to waste precious working hours reading, deleting, and reporting manic 3000 word emails about why you and “that n*gga who left your apartment at 3:47am last night” are going to die.

4. Wait, why exactly am I doing this again?

***a conversation I’ve had with at least five different friends in the past year***

“I’m depressed”

“Why”

“Well, I slept with this guy, and now I regret it”

“Were you dating him?”

“What do you mean by “dating”?”

“Never mind. We’re you attracted to him?”

“I guess. He has really nice knees sometimes”

“Well, were you horny, at least?”

“Not really. I mean, sort of, but it was Wednesday, you know?”

Seriously, If I had a dollar for every friend I know who has put themselves in a sexual malaise (which eventually led to a life malaise, which eventually led to thoughts of crime) because they’re sleeping with people they don’t really want to sleep, I’d have…well, I’d have alot of f*cking dollars.

5. What do I do if it’s wack?

Like all other natural disasters and catastrophes, we should each have a pre-planned wack sex contingency plan in place that prepares you for every possibility.

Are you so invested in the relationship that wackness wouldn’t matter, or will a night of bad boning ruin everything? Are you willing to try again? In case of an unexpected coital calamity (ie: the sex is excessively wack with no room for improvement, but circumstances dictate you have to spend the night), do you have a fallout shelter (ie: a couch, a spare bedroom, a bathtub) where you can weather the storm? If you happen to be wack, do you have your “sorry for the wackness” speech prepared, and are you mentally prepared to face the inevitable gauntlet of private (and possibly public) disappointment?

Anyway, people of VSB, can you think of any other questions we should ask ourselves before we decide to sleep with someone?

Also, has there even been a time when you probably should have asked yourself one of the questions on the list?

Remember, crime-fighting is a collective effort, and we all we got!

—The Champ

the verysmart guide to 21st century chivalry

***the following is portion of a chapter from the upcoming Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Meeting, Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime***

for many of us, the concept of chivalry died years ago, neglected so long that it ended up gaunt and emaciated, starving to death outside of a KFC because no one could spare him the big piece of chicken.

well, the champ is here to say that we’re wrong. chivalry isn’t dead or even dying…just in need of a bit of a makeover. an update. a reboot. a few minor tweaks and adjustments for the 21st century.

1. men still should always pay for (at least) the first three dates

it doesn’t matter if the guy’s a grad student working at starbucks dating a CPA making 80k a year. if he approached her and they’re dating, the man should always cover at least the first three dates.

this may seem a bit antiquated, but this universal rule actually benefits both parties. if she’s really into him, she won’t mind the fact that the first couple of dates have been at borders, the cheese dog stand at the arts festival, and the sample soup counter at giant eagle. if she does mind the limited spending dates, that’s all the proof he needs that she’s probably not the woman for him. see how easy that works? it’s not rocket surgery and sh*t

2. if a woman, any woman, is within 15-20 feet of a man and approaching the same door you he is, he must always attempt to open it and let her walk through first, even if you’re coming from an awkward angle.

if she’s within 20-40 feet and walking at a pace which insures that she’ll be at the same door you’re about to enter within 7-10 seconds, you can walk through the door first, but you must hold the door for her.

this is pretty non-negotiable. any man who doesn’t open doors for women, and doesn’t wait as a human doorstop for a woman that’s less than ten seconds away from the door sounds like a diva dude. sure, there are extenuating circumstances (you have crutches, you really, really have to pee, she’s running from the cops, etc) but this is another one of rules that will never change.

plus, as an added bonus, there’s no better way of getting a really, really good clear booty peek. women always seem to jiggle the hips a little extra whenever a door’s being held open for them. i think it’s some form of a primitive mating mechanism actually, some evolutionary correlation between held doors, jiggled hips, and ovaries, but i really have no idea.

in the rare case that you happen to come across some woman who feels as if any male holding a door for her is a symptom of 200 years of western oppression, patriarchy, and male privilege, do shrug your shoulders and continue to hold the door. and, even though you might be tempted, don’t pat her on the head when she walks by.

there’s really only one instance where you probably should treat lightly, and that’s when she’s with another man who looks as if it might be HER man.

door opening now can be tricky because it basically shows the other man up, visibly usurping one of his most important roles. you don’t want to cause some poor stranger any unnecessary anguish. he doesn’t need to hear “what, some stranger can open the door for me and your lazy ass cant??? maybe I should have given him the shower quickie this morning instead of you!!!” when he gets home.

remember fellas, happy woman means happy man, and happy men means less crime.

3. always volunteer to sleep in the “wet spot”

why? Because making her the one who always has to lay down to sleep in the spot on the bed where you just finished having sex is a sure-fire way to ensure that her spot won’t be too wet for too much longer.

along with “walk on the side closest to the curb, even though if a car does actually jump the curb, it’s probably going to kill you both anyway” this is one of those you just have to take for the team. its all about the greater good and sh*t

4. always let women within 10 feet of you go first in elevators, buses, cabs, etc, etc

this is also a great time to watch women’s behinds. you see, there are ways to appreciate women’s figures without doing the piss-boy pirouette, and chivalry actually allows for many of them. nothing beats watching a nice pair of hips walk up a few city bus stairs.

i’m actually beginning to think that chivalry is just a convoluted system devised for men to look at as much ass as possible. underneath all of those layers of clothing and armor, those damn knights and maidens must have been a bunch of freaks.

5. the man should always be the first one to change his status to “In a relationship” on facebook or any other social networking websites.

you see, her friends probably pay more attention to that stuff than your friends are going to, which means they’re much more likely to give her hell for changing her status before you changed yours than your friends would. plus, when a woman does that first, it usually screams “My name is Ation. Desper Ation”, and you don’t want to put her in that position.

subsequently, unless it was a particularly foul “she slept with my bipolar teammate” type of break-up, the man should probably also wait until his ex has changed her status back to single before he does

6. a man can never say “please” and “thank you” too much, except in the bedroom, where they should be given the condiment treatment: Best used with light sprinkles

the bedroom in itself is a paradox where the common rules of chivalry don’t exist. for instance, saying “please” during a sexual act is a bit tricky because “please” accompanies a request. depending on his disposition, body language, and penis size, “please” could be interpreted as “a playful request lightening the mood”, “a considerate lover”, or “an annoyingly desperate dude who should just shut the f*ck up and be happy that his cornball ass is getting some”

there’s basically no in-between, no gray area with this, exactly why he needs to be absolutely sure about the nature of their sexual relationship before he continues with the “pleases”. usually in these situations, a slight nudge or eye contact is all that’s needed to get his point across, whatever it happens to be.

also, the appropriateness of “thank you” is just as dependant on the situation

a) after finishing a very fulfilling tryst with your lover, you kiss her, lay flat on your back, and say “thanks baby” while you’re both still laying there, catching your breath, enjoying that post-sex hazy silence, and reflecting about the entire experience.

in this case, the “thank you” enhanced the level of intimacy, two lovers letting each other know that the act which just occurred was greatly valued and appreciated, a stark contrast from…

b) right after finishing a fulfilling tryst with a lover, you remove yourself from inside of her, jump out the bed, say “thanks babe” and hop in the shower before she’s even moved a muscle.

in this case, the “thank you” completely disengages the situation of all intimacy, treating the act as if it should be accompanied by a credit card swipe and receipt coming out of her ass. i understand that all sex isn’t going to be love-making, but it still is sex. it’s not like she just made you a grilled-cheese sandwich.

7. don’t bullsh*t the chivalry Gods.

men, don’t break your neck to open doors for every Zoe Saldana you see but refuse to give up your seat for the slightly homely chick with the eclectic face on the train carrying 90 textbooks

on the same token, women should always acknowledge a chivalrous act. it could be a smile or a “thank you” or a slight head nod or head an “accidental” cleavage peak…anything as long as it lets the guy know that his efforts haven’t been in vain. if you see a guy doing the doorstop thing for you, the very least you can do is make an effort to sped up your walk so it doesn’t seem like he’s standing there waiting for the seasons to change in the time it takes your inconsiderate ass to get to the door.

there you go young grasshoppers. go on now and make the champ proud

—the champ

[***Admin Note: On June 3rd in New York City, The Champ will be on a panel with a few other "relationship experts" to talk about relationships, love, sex, and all that other good stuff, and he'd greatly appreciate your support. Go to moderndaymatchmaker.eventbrite.com for more details.

Also, if you're planning on attending, please buy your tickets with the promotional code "VSB" to receive a 20% discountTickets are almost sold out, so it's probably not the best idea to wait for the last minute to purchase. Thanks!***]

5 signs that you just might have to marry her ass

yo, son: when you gonna stop d*ckin around and marry her ass?”

even though we all know a chick or three that would cut her closest homegirl’s throat if forced to choose between her and her man, the prevailing thought is that a woman’s girlfriends have an unparalleled influence on who she chooses to date.

in truth, a man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party.

noone, not his dad, his deacon, or his dealer has as much “she aint right for you, dog” veto power as a guy’s acebooncoon. even if they’re not exactly paragons of relationship health themselves, they’re usually ultra cynical genius-level bullshit detectors when it comes to who their homie happens to be dating because they knowknow you better than anyone else, and truly want you to be happy.

because of this, men need to pay extra close attention when their best friend asks em, “when you gonna stop dickin around and marry her ass?”, because any woman your best friend would actually say that about is definitely a keeper, even if you haven’t realized it.

anyway, although countless viewings of the obama calenders in our cubicles have given us an idea of what a keeper might look like, many of us wouldn’t recognize a. keeper even if she were giving us a lapdance while rocking twin “hi. i’m a. keeper” tassels on her chest.

this is even more pronounced with brothas who, educated or not, all could use a bit more help figuring out that there’s no real correlation between ring-worthiness and ass-to-waist ratio.

to help our vsb’s out, and as another example of our crime-fighting ideals, here’s four more signs that she’s probably a keeper…and you just might have to marry her ass: Continue reading

getting the gift: life’s five best unexpected rewards

rewards

while we all know that life is like a box of chocolates, everyone has a moment or two when it seems like that chocolate box is filled with catsh*t, especially in the TET (ms. smart, 2008). to deal with our trials and tribulations, life has a way of giving us unexpected rewardssimple daily smiles that can easily turn a melancholy day to mediocre, and a mediocre day to magnificent.

as another example of vsb.com’s crime-fighting commitments, here are five of the champ’s favorite.

1. free food

while pearly gates, endless bliss, and easy white women sound plenty enticing, my idea of heaven is an endless loop of a “hey, everybody; don’t worry about lunch. i ordered some pizza, wings, and beer” message from the boss during a staff meeting on one of those end of the month thursdays when your checking account is asking “if i cut the pink off the two week old mystery pasta in the breakroom fridge, i wont get sick, right?“.

(btw, by “the boss” i totally meant “stacey dash”. this is heaven, right?)

2. finding money

whether its on the ground, in your coat pocket, or a forgotten about revenue stream from the t-shirts you sell on your website, there aren’t many things better than finding unexpected money in an unexpected place.

sh*t, just last week i cheesed for an hour after finding a dollar in the trunk of my truck and cried for another hour after getting rebuffed at the wendy’s drive thru for being six cents short for a junior bacon cheeseburger

3. a compliment from a stranger

after getting home after a particularly rough day at work a couple months ago, i walked a couple blocks to the walnut street shopping district to window shop and clear my head when a somewhat milfy middle aged woman complimented me, saying that my “glasses were nice”. who cares that she may have been homeless and that there’s a good chance she actually said “the masses have lice!”, it made me happy, and that’s all that really counts.

4. randomly seeing an extremely physically attractive person

even those in purgatory serious committed relationships can still appreciate and acknowledge the unexpected potential mood boost of accidentally seeing a dime in line at pepboys or behind the counter at popeyes. you don’t have to own the land to appreciate the view.

5. finding something on the sales rack that actually fits

because of my waist (36), shirt (l or xl), and shoe (12) sizes, finding something on sale that actually fits me is harder than roman polanski watching degrassi high. seriously, its like deals at men’s clothing stores are only for midgets and men built like dejuan blair. i’m usually so surprised to find something that fits that i assume there’s something wrong with it, a phenomenon which usually ends with me just staring at a pair of jeans for fifteen minutes like it’s actually going to say “yeah, n*gga; you don’t wanna buy me. my right leg is longer than my left and my crotch area itches worse than courtney love. leave my skinny ass on the rack. wait…why the hell is your black ass in h&m anyway??

thats it for now. people of vsb.com, did i miss anything, and when was the last time you got one of life’s unexpected rewards?

the carpet is yours and sh*t

—the champ

the dream team

point guard: zoe saldana

zoe

narrowly beats out circa “mo money” stacey dash for the starting point guard spot off the strength of her performance on mtv’s punk’d four years ago (click me!). i need some feistiness and loyalty out of my floor general, and that episode proves she has more than enough heart and iwishan*ggawouldness to captain a team

shooting guard: (pre-whatever the hell she’s been publicly diagnosed with) maia campbell

maia-campbell

put it this way: there’s a reason why “trippin”, a flick which is basically what would happen if  tvone produced a soft p*rn afterschool special, is one of my favorite movies. well, that and the gratuitous nudity

small forward: (post monster’s ball, pre-baby) halle berry

halle_berry_oscars_fllintstone_hair

makes the team even though i realize that putting halle berry on any top five list in 2009 is so cliche and unimaginative that even tyler perry would be like “damn. where the hell is the freakin nuance??” if he read this.

power forward: kenya moore

kenya+moore

i’m convinced that her only purpose on earth is to show everybody how stupid atheists are because her presence is concrete proof that God exists¹

center: yaya dacosta

YaYa

although i was tempted to put the vsb’s favorite cp-3, candace parker, on the roster because it might not be a bad thing to have at least one person who can actually play basketball on your basketball team, yaya prevails…even though i’m not even 100 percent certain she’s still alive

people of vsb.com, its your turn. imagine that you and every entertainer or politician or athlete or excessively articulate black blogger from pittsburgh or whoever you’ve ever been attracted to is all of a sudden available, and pick your dream team, your all-time pop culture starting five

remember, time doesn’t matter. if you want to pick a post-brown sugar mos def, a pre-penitentiary t.i., or a pre-penitent mary magdalene, go right ahead.

the only caveat is that you have to name people that someone other than you has actually heard of, regardless of how tempted you might be to include the banging-ass border’s barista you met last week.

the carpet is yours and sh*t

¹i know. i know. i know. this statement was gayer than the easter bunny. blame it on the g-20

—the champ