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“21st Century Chivalry” — chapter seven in Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm At Night — devotes 3,000 or so words to the idea that there’s a certain way that men and women should treat each other; a set of guidelines that covers everything from “Facebook chivalry” and “Medieval freaks” to “Who should sleep in the wet spot, and why?” and “Should penis proficiency matter when deciding whether to make certain bedroom requests?”
But, despite this chapter’s comprehensiveness – and by “comprehensiveness” I mean “comprehensiveness silliness“ — there are a few things about chivalry and social etiquette that I intentionally neglected to mention because, well, I just don’t f*cking know the answers. (Shocker, right?)
Thing is, I’m not alone. While most of us are somewhat aware of most of the rules of chivalry (even if we chose to ignore them), there are several chivalry/social etiquette conundrums that continue to baffle each of us, and I decided to shed light on three of them today so we can finally get some f*cking answers.
1. If a man and a woman are both approaching a revolving door, who goes first?
We already know how men and women are supposed to navigate doors, elevators, lines, and getting on and off public buses. Basically, all a chivalrous man has to do is position himself in the best possible place to get a clear look at a woman’s ass. (Think about it: everything from opening doors to letting women have your seat on crowded buses just gives a man a better opportunity to admire a woman’s ass-to-waist ratio.)
But, there aren’t any set rules for the revolving door. Does a man push through the doors first and risk his clumsy-ass woman getting her heel stuck in-between the revolving doors, tripping, and giving herself a grade-two concussion, or should the man allow the woman to go through first, risking his woman getting swept away by a sudden microburst of hoodrat activity as soon as she exits the doors?
Also, while we’re on doors…
2. Is a man still required to open car doors if a woman is driving?
I understand the reasoning behind opening the passenger door for a woman (you’re making sure she gets in the car safely, and, well, the whole booty peek thing), but what was once practical seems like useless pandering if a woman is driving.
Plus, if you open the driver side door for her, it now creates this awkward moment where she has to wait for your non-driving nincompoop ass to loaf all the way around the car before she’s able to take off, and those 10 seconds are all she needs to think to herself “Damn it. I need to just run his ass over so I can get me a new man who actually f*cking drives. Damn Kappas!”
3. If you’re at a restaurant and your date decides mid-meal that the food needs to be sent back, should you continue eating your meal, or should you also stop mid-meal and wait for your date’s food to come back?
We all know that you’re not supposed to start your main course until everyone at the table receives theirs. In fact, most places make sure to serve everyone at the exact same time for this reason, and some waiters will even let the patrons know that a certain dish “takes a bit long” to prepare, which is just code for “Look. You can order this food. Be my f*cking guest. But, since this contrived-ass dish is going to take 180 minutes for us to make, be prepared to have the entire rest of your party pissed at you, and also be prepared to have me pissed at you since their pissed-offedness and your collective blackness basically ensures my tip will suck.”
But, what’s the protocol for when your date returns the meal after you’ve already begun eating? Do you just sit there and stare at each other? Return your perfectly delicious meal as well? Give him/her some of your food? Tease them for ordering a sh*tty meal? Eat slower? Order more bread? Bounce? Bounce to the back and have a Applebee’s bathroom quickie? Who f*cking knows?
***Btw, anyone who thinks this is a too contrived scenario has obviously never been on a date with an actual human woman. At last count, the “she doesn’t like her food (even though they gave her exactly what she ordered) and now I’m the only one eating while her hungry ass is making goo goo eyes at my steak” thing has happened to me at least 171 times.***
Anyway, people of VSB: do you have any answers? Any proofs for these problems? Any results for these riddles? Any clues to solve these conundrums?
Also, can you think of any other chivalry conundrums that you just haven’t been able to solve?
The carpet is yours.
***Btw, if you get a minute, check out my profile on upcoming R&B group “The Maintenance Men” at Clutch Mag***