the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete

hmmm. maybe "i dont do commitment" actually isn't mancode for "i'll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me"
maybe “i dont do commitment” actually isn’t mancode for “i’ll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me”

you know, after we reach each of our crime-fighting and world domination goals, our plan is to live in a world where vsb has been rendered obsolete, a universe where the sage wisdom of panama, the champ, and liz’s boobs is no longer needed because everyone is making wise relationship-related decisions on their own.

thing is, we’re really not that far from that day, as much of the dating and mating acrimony we face (and the advice received) would be thwarted if we just started asking ourselves simple questions and began making simple mental comments and observations before acting, “voila!” statements if you will.

here’s 8 of them

1. “hmmm: would i be forced to kill somebody if i got her pregnant?”

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

2. “you know, maybe my perpetually single and unhappy girlfriends aren’t the best people to get relationship advice from”

3. “all of my friends seem to want to sleep with my man, and its getting pretty frustrating. i wonder if my daily tweets, emails, and facebook status messages about his d*ck have anything to do with that?”

4. “i love my stringent female beauty standards just the way they are. but, until i move out of my grandma’s basement, maybe i should either adjust them or just start keeping them to myself”

imagine, a world where lame men don’t hold all women to unrealistically and unattainably attractive standards, and where the rest of the men don’t have to listen to women incessantly b*tching about the men who do this, even though they only comprise 6% of the male population

5. “damn. another month has passed without a single man approaching me. i probably should try this new ‘sileing‘ or ‘miling‘ or whatever facial expression thing everybody keeps raving about.”

6. “even though he’s been really nice and sweet to me, i wonder if i should be more bothered by the man i saw him murder last weekend”

if i had a dollar for every woman i’ve known who’s attracted to shady dudes and needed consolation after he did some shady sh*t to her, i’d have at least 11 f*cking dollars. i know that doesn’t seem like alot of money, but it’s a recession, and that can get you a month’s worth of meals in pittsburgh

7. “f*ck! shot down again. maybe i should retire my genius ‘do you know the difference between my d*ck and a chicken leg? no? well, let’s go on a picnic and find out.‘ pick-up line”

8. “i should probably stop by the weight scale store at the mall some time next weekend. while i’m there, it wouldn’t hurt to peek inside the mirror store next door for a minute as well.”

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of, can you think of any more inner “voila” statements that could make the dating and relationship game much easier?

—the champ