Tag Archives: vh1

Basic B*tch Levelology

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Basic B*tch Olympic Time Trials - LaceFront Alter

*It’s not lost on me that I just wrote a post about Common calling women b*tches and then here I go writing a post that uses the word “b*tch” in the title. My only defense here is that I didn’t come up with the most perfect term to describe these women in these scenarios. I’m not enlightened and I think “Come Close” was p*ssy pandering. If you do have beef, forward all mail to here.*

Let me say upfront that I HATE everybody on Love & Hip Hop. I cannot stress this enough. My skin crawls when Chrissy tries to make people chose between her loyalty, their sanity, and deciding whether or not she’s a mole. Get it? Never mind.

Yandy’s name is Yandy. And I’m fairly certain that there isn’t a white person alive short of her mother who even acknowledges that Kimbella is halfsies. You know what, who cares. They drive us all crazy. Olivia is the only person I even kind of like and that’s because I’m totally jealous of her complexion. *squeal*

But despite my consistent protestations, the “stay classy San Diego” women of Love & Hip Hop constantly bring up one point that I think is important when discussing hoodratology and, well, basic b*tches: levels.

Chrissy eloquently stated that Yandy wasn’t on her level. Erica stated that Kimbella wasn’t on her level either. What level? F*ck if I know, but apparently these levels exist because these basic broads teach me so. Since I don’t really know what the levels are (though I know you can never get on my level WHAT get on my level WHAT), I figured that I’d use the women on the show to venture a guess as to what the levels are. Creep me with me as I roll through the hood of basic b*tches.

Ride or Die Until The Wheels Fall Off Level – When Chrissy said that Yandy wasn’t on her level, I can only assume this is the level she meant. That stay-for-7-hope-for-30-more level. Turns out she comes from a family of these types of ninjas since her aunt also proposed to her uncle. Those chicks either have control issues or are extremely patiently impatient. Now, a lot of the women on this show fit this category. Olivia is riding or dying with her career, which must be wearing a condom since she can’t really bust out. Emily is riding or dying with Fabolous, who we aren’t sure knows who she is, and then there’s Kimbella. And that’s all I’ll say about that. This isn’t the worst level, and is the most common from basic b*tch to PhD in biomedical physiological aquatic basket masseuse.

I Obviously F*cked Your Man Which Is Why I Am So Hung Up On This Mess Even Though I Need To Let It Go Level – Hi Yandy. Word to big bird, you are waaaaay to emotionally invested here. I used to think that Chrissy was tripping but now I just think that you really believe Jimmy (I love calling him Jimmy) actually should chose you over the woman he  has decided to marry despite common sense that dictates that would never happen. What a dolt. Yandy, you stupid.

I’m At The Bottom Rung And Can’t Understand Why I Can’t Rise Like Maya Angelou Level - Kimbella might be the most curious case of delusion ever. I can honestly say that I don’t understand her because she brings nothing to the table, takes everything from it, and always seems to think that she’s being done wrong. Now I will say that Erica, the really ugly pretty basic b*tch, has a bigger grudge than Kobe Bryant in Phoenix, but damn. You really gonna run up on Erica at her birthday party with Somaya “Ray Lewis Shoulders” Reese and think you ain’t gonna get swung on?

I’m Only A Video Ho And Don’t Realize That Barack Obama Doesn’t Know Me Level - This is Erica all day. I wish somebody would slap her with the winds of change and a 20-inch Sumitomo tire. The fact that she ACTUALLY views Kimbella as having brought down her property value makes me think she failed out of 5th grade. Hey Erica boo, both of y’all ninjas have list prices of about $1,000. I checked the MLS listings. Nobody cares about you booboo. And your boobs are way too big for your body. Oh, and your singing sounds like a motherf*cking praying mantis struggling to eat her husband.

All For Nothing Level - I keep forgetting Teairra Mari is on this show. I just pulled up “Sponsor” on YouTube. I love this song. Anyway, she perplexes me. She can sing. She’s banging. She’s still young. Yet, she’s as much of a non-motherf*cking factor as one can be. She might be the poster child for non-motherf*cking factors. If Obama picked a director for his new National Office of Non-Motherf*cking Factors he’d almost have to pick her right? She’d be the list. Her and Ameriie should start a group together. They could call it We Give Good Face. Point is, she not only needs a sponsor, she needs better management. And I don’t mean Rich Dollaz.

By the way, does anybody else remember Teairra Mari’s song “No Daddy”. It’s quite possible that it’s one of the worst songs of all time. No disclaimer. No joke.

Anyway, I bring this to you all, what are the different levels that basic b*tches are referring to when they tell other basic b*tches that they aren’t on their level? Let us educate the masses today. For I have no clue what they’re talking about.

Basically, I just know that you ain’t on my level.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GET ON MY LEVEL HO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Love & Hip Hop and The Proposal

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Beware, there are a lot of strong faces in this picture.

You know how women tend to map out their weddings? Even the most hardened, thugged out, stabbin’ ninja woman has some vision of her wedding. And the proposal? Yeah, they all have an idea of what they’d like it to look like. Sure reality and fantasy may never collide but the idea, the hope, is always there. And I’d bet double or nothing that Chrissy’s ideal proposal looked nothing like the pisspoor one that Jim Jones gave to her on the last episode of vh1′s academic and rigorously brain teasing show, Love & Hip-Hop.

If you know Black people. There’s a solid chance that 78.5% of them all watch Love & Hip-Hop every Monday night. That number includes 100% of video hoes as they all view the show as comeup central.

I’m half surprised that Jim didn’t just throw the box at her and say, “gotcha b*tch. Happy now?” I’m being hyperbolic but he didn’t even kneel down. And he tried to play this cool, detached, somewhat pissed role cum captain save-a-ho at the end with the sweet gangsta thing that went terribly wrong. And do you know why? It’s impossible to be hardcore when proposing to a woman. It’s one of the moments in a man’s life when he’s truly vulnerable. It’s like putting up a Christmas tree. It is completely ungangsta to put up a Christmas tree. You ever seen a jolly thug? Some random ninja with a Santa hat and a .45 tucked into his waistband while laying tinsel every so gently on a fir? Smiling? While sipping on some eggnog and eating oatmeal raisin cookies? Exactly. Let the thug go. Jimmy…couldn’t do it. He basically handed her a box, said “do you want to marry me?” and then feel proud of himself for giving her what she wanted. Except the whole time he didn’t even really look like he wanted to be there.

Except…she didn’t care because she’s been waiting for that ring for some seven years so she was just happy to get it. Except now what? Except, right. Which begs the question here, does the proposal matter that much?

I’m only asking because if you’ve been waiting for seven years (or three or four, or whenever she proposed to him) to the point that you keep grandstanding, talking about leaving and having your oddlyfaced friends help you pack up stuff from a house that you really don’t want to leave with a life you don’t want to give up, do you even care how he does it? Or are you just happy that he does it. And I’m inclined to believe that Jimmy wasn’t trying to give a dbag proposal. He just didn’t know how to pull off thugged out and vulnerable man at the same time. And real talk, calling it a dbag proposal might be overstating.

Which brings me to some more overstatements: Love & Hip-Hop is one ridiculous ass show. So Jim Jones proposal makes perfect sense. We have one of the most unattractive attractive women on the planet in Emily, a woman who’s been chasing Fabolous since before he could misspell it seems. And she just can’t get it right. Then there’s Olivia. Bless her heart. You may remember her…actually,  you probably don’t remember her at all. First she tried to get us to “Bizzounce” years ago and we didn’t. Then 50 Cent tried to convince us that she had star power…DURING HIS HEYDAY. Think about that. Even when 50 Cent was on TOP of the game he couldn’t convince us to care about her.

This from a man who made Tony Yayo relevant. Again, think about that. Kimbella, oh Kimbella. I’m sure she’s hot. I’m sure I don’t find her hot. Maybe its because she annoys me so much. Though not as much as Teairra Mari who for the life of me has contributed nothing to the world aside from a great rack and the song “Sponsor” featuring Gucci Mane, which, I actually loved. But on this show…pointless.

Yandy? She mildly amuses me but only because she’s just somebody else who latched on to the Jim Jones bandwagon. Nancy, love her. But I tend to like crackheads. And then there’s Chrissy.

I cannot stand her. Many women I know love her no-nonsense attitude….except when it comes to Jimmy. Honestly, if it wasn’t for all of her instigating and fighting, I’d hate her more. But alas, she keeps bringing the gun to the knifefight so she does possess value.

Look, the show blows. There’s too much boohooing over men that don’t want them and then too many talentless women attempting to be somebody in the world. There’s really no reason for this show to exist.

But at the end of the day, Love & Hip-Hop makes me realize that despite the fact that I’m not rich, apparently me and Jim Jones could live in the same neighborhood since there seem to be a plethora of tiny ass houses right next door to him. (Seriously, did homeboy have his house built in a neighborhood full of 2 bedroom homes?) The problems that these broads have are not unlike everybody else’s problems except they’re potentially more ridiculous because all of their fame is due to the men they’re associated with. I find it so interesting how many women love these shows considering how they fly in the face of nearly everything women get so pissed at men for saying.

These women are the living embodiment of a Tyler Perry movie without a script but women tune in every Monday with reckless abandon. THEN talk sh*t about the terrible Tyler Perry movies and how they do a disservice to women everywhere. Okay. Alright.

What’s the draw? I don’t know. But the next time any of y’all who love these shows tell me Tyler Perry is selling us out…I’m going to throw my show at you or one of those bottles Kimbella threw at Erica Mena. And then I’ll have Chrissy yank your lacefront.

So real talk…why the hell do people love these shows so much? Don’t tell me the drama…it can’t be that simple? And speaking of the proposal to Chrissy, does it matter or is the fact that it happens that much more significant in general?

Talk to me…what’s with the love for Love & Hip-Hop?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

6 Reasons Why I Love Brandy & Ray-J’s Family Business Show

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The blogs and Ninjanet have gone hogwild with disparaging remarks and comments about vh1′s latest foray into the world of those named Norwood. Can’t blame vh1 really. For the Love of Ray J 1 and 2 were such huge successes, they’d be stupid not to get back in bed with him. Hate him or love him, Ray J is a ratings bonanza. Add Brandy and her lacefront wig into the fold and you’ve got yourself a hit show. And I’m caught up like Usher in 2003. Usher in 2010, however, needs to just let it burn.

Anyway, folks are hating on this show, Brandy & Ray-J: A Family Business, thoroughly. Can’t say I blame them. Nobody can pinpoint why Ray-J is famous and he is corny as all hell. And Brandy hasn’t been relevant in AT LEAST five years, and I’m being generous. But I’m entertained. And you should be too. If you’re not, you’re watching it wrong.

So let me share my enthusiasm with you and let you know why I love this show…

1) First Black musical family we’ve seen on TV in a while

And no, Run’s House doesn’t count since Run is the only actual musician since Jojo’s rap career is about as potent as Eli Porters AND he got big leagued by his younger brother Diggy. With Brandy and Ray J, both of them actually have hits of sizable proportion. And I’m not talking the Kim Kardashian sex tape!

*rimshot*

No rimshots either. Add in big Willie Norwood and you’ve got the Jacksons minus all the talent, really high pitched voices, and albums people will still be listening to ten years from now.

2) Brandy rapping

You cannot make this sh*t up. She ACTUALLY bust out in freestyle or a REALLY badly written 8 bars to show her mother and other manager that she wanted to rap, which was of course shot down with the swiftness of a Bob Dole free arm slap. And if Timbaland is the reason she’s gained confidence in her rap abilities,  its no wonder Shock Value II sucked more balls than Pinky with a vacuum cleaner (no “Say Something”).

3) More of Ray’s ridiculous antics

This fool takes a 17-person van…to the club.  He had one of the highest rated shows on cable and doesn’t want to talk about it. He exists. For record, I like Ray J. He entertains me. I’d love to hang out with dude because you are guaranteed a good time. He’s like Puffy with 1/100th the money, so you’d probably have to pay your own way, but still. He seems fun as hell. If you need ignorant convo and stupider friends around, that dude delivers. All these other shows try, but they’re just DiGiornos.

4) Brandy’s hair and eyebrows

Eyebrows is an overstatement since I’m not sure she actually has them, but damn what an arch. I mean, I’ve seen arches before - McDonald’s comes to mind – but yeehaw. Her eyebrows reduce the size of her forehead by at least 45 percent. In fact, the only arch that compares is the big one in St. Louis. It’s impressive really. Plus, it takes you from eye to baby-hair lacefront weave territory. I had no idea what the hell a lacefront weave was until I started watching this show. I want one. I want to hold it. I want to carress it. I want to play catch with a lacefront weave.

5) They really do hang out and love eachother

So, Brandy and Ray actually have a real brother-sister relationship. How cute. The last one of those we saw where two “stars” were prominent was Michael and Janet and to this day we’re still not sure if they’re two different people. And yes I know Michael is dead. But are you sure? Are you? Did YOU see inside the casket? 

You think James Brown got clean when he went to heaven?

6) The opening segment where they sing

Mostly because neither of them has that great a voice but they think they do. Anybody else think its funny that Brandy’s singing voice (and speaking voice for that matter) is deeper than Ray J? However, as a Ray J fan, I did break out his 2005 album Raydiation, which I downloaded, and it’s pretty solid. “One Wish” was my sh*t. And it still is. I get more props and stunts than Bruce Willis.

Anyway, those are my reasons. What’s your call? Do you like it or hate it? Why?

How can you not like Ray after watching this show? Seriously?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Love You For Free (Or Something Like It): Valentine’s Day Date Options That Won’t Cost You A Fortune

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If I had money, this rose would have color.

Valentine’s Day is Sunday (in case you forgot). While many of you assumed that my suggestions for the lonely single were tongue-in-cheek, I can assure you that it was filled with the utmost sincerity. Well, it seems slightly unfair to lend a helping hand to one group and not the other; technically that would make me a racist. And I’m so not a racist.

Since the number of strippers is on the rise, we know we’re in an economic recession. That means that nobody has the money to blow $10,000 on romantic getaways to wherever Jay and Beyonce are going. Nope, a lot of us have to stay in our lanes – and I don’t mean the HOV (hey, he has his own lane, already). As my gift to the you, and you (this goes out to you), I decided to come up with a list of Valentine’s Day date options for the economically challenged (or just late as hell on the planning tip).

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