Tag Archives: valentine’s day

three great things to do if dateless on valentines day

Posted on by
247

ok.

so v-day is right around the corner and, even after following panama’s advice, you still find yourself date-less. what the hell are you supposed to do??

don’t fret my dears, the champ is here, with three great things to do if dateless on valentines day

1. “task-your-fate” …and be creative.

obviously, since you’re alone, you’re probably not completely foreign to the concept of master racin. you and pastor chasin are probably greatly acquainted with each other. still, today’s a special day, so you should treat yourself and be creative. remember, no one will love you unless you love yourself first, so give yourself a head start on that loving feeling

go lefty.

introduce a prop.

introduce a pop. (i don’t how you’d actually pull this off, but you’re being creative, remember?)

give yourself a “happy pants” at a packed movie theater. (bonus points if its “the reader“)

find a full length mirror and, ummm, use it.

pull a “stranger”.

make yourself a four course candlelight dinner, and bend yourself over the table in-between courses because you couldn’t keep your hands off yourself.

remember, the world’s your oyster, so break your oyster’s back.

2. send yourself flowers at work

***if flowers aren’t your cup of tea, fell free to substitute chocolate, satin boxer briefs, or anything else your lonely ass would think a valentine would get you***

this is perfect because there are only a few legal things more exciting than getting sh*t delivered to you at work. plus, why you should be the only one in the office with a pathetically barren and loveless cubicle?

also, dont worry, no one actually needs to find out that you bought these for yourself…and you don’t even have to lie! if a nosy co-worker does inquire, just reply “my favorite person bought them for me. the love of my life, the only one who’s ever held me at night”. sure, repeating this sentence aloud might force you to cry, but for all your colleagues know, they’re tears of joy!

also, its not a terrible idea to order these flowers while you’re in a drunken stupor. this way, you won’t remember actually ordering them, allowing you to genuinely surprise yourself when they come.

3. volunteer

when discussing volunteerism in education/outreach/social services circles, its a commonly held notion that young (21-35 year old) blacks are usually underrepresented. to expound in my most politically incorrect manner, “n*ggas don’t volunteer”.

i wish i could provide some contrasting evidence to refute this, but i’ve seen the exact same thing. thing is, usually “i’m too busy right now. i don’t have the time” is the refrain heard when i’ve attempted to recruit young (and educated) blacks to volunteer in various capacities, a fact which makes v-day excuse proof.

i mean, you’re already date-less and plan-less, so use this day to give some kids at the local Y some of the love your ass isn’t getting. sh*t, if you’re lucky, you might even find a kid willing to babysit your cats when you finally go on that date in 9 months.

there you have it: three foolproof and exciting things to do if banned from the twincities of coitustown and companionville on february 14th.

remember (to quote chuck): if life gives you lemons, just say “f*ck the lemons” and bail

—the champ

How To Snag A Last Minute Valentine’s Date

Posted on by
242

I know this is a little early, but some of you all need all of the help and preparation time you can get and I love Valentine’s Day so I figured I should help share the love since so many folks HATE Valentine’s Day.

Zing!

1. Overall, Don’t be yourself!

Face it, being yourself is why you don’t have a date in the first place. Duh!! The best way to snag a date last minute is to basically recreate yourself into something you aren’t. Let’s say for instance you are a garbageman. Well, clearly that doesn’t sound so sexxy to the woman sitting at the bar. Most folks would tell you to say that you are a sanitation engineer. I’ll do you one better!! Tell her you’re a lawyer. You might not ever see her again anyway, so who gives a shit.  Hell, tell her that you’re working reparations but can’t talk about the case because it’s a pending case.

For women, just tell random man that you were born to be a housewife and cater to your man. Hell, tell him that you have the song “Cater 2 U” by Destiny’s Child on repeat in your CD player and that it has been adopted as your theme song. You know, pretend you aren’t the ultra independent, ridiculously successful woman that you are.

2. Pretend to care about something you don’t care about.

This one should be really easy. Just walk up to said random individual and strike up a conversation with them about something you know very little about but are able to BS about well. Like, jazz, or life in general. For the fellas, start a conversation about how you’d like to make a difference in the world and how you’re life really isn’t about you, its about other people, and use as many song lines and titles in the conversation as possible. She probably won’t even realize it until the day after anyway.

Ladies, just strike up a conversation about why you think that Nas is the best rapper and that Jay-Z can’t hold his Moet bottle, This conversations will result in him doing all of the talking and you just having to throw out vague statements even if you couldn’t give a shit about what he’s talking about.

Instant. Date.

3. Do the exact opposite of what you’d normally do!

*EVERYTHINGS DERIVATIVE OF NUMBER 1*

Just like with number 1, essentially go out of your way to be the complete opposite person from who you normally are.

If you’re normally quiet, hell be the center of attention somewhere and draw the men into your web of deception. If you’re normally loud, be quiet and see if the women come to you. In fact…

4. If you’re a man, be the brother who looks pitiful because his wife/girlfriend/dog just left him!

Be pitiful. Go to the bar and put on a show. Make sure that the women notice you, but act like you don’t notice them noticing you. Make it seem like you’re world is coming to a complete and total end. Talk to yourself. Have angry conversations with yourself that start with, “I should have KNOWN….” Say how stupid you are at least three times and make sure that the women hear you. You have to really sell this shit though. You can’t just act pathetic, you have to BE pathetic.

In fact, pretend that your best friend just slept with your mother…THAT should f*ck you up REAL good!

5. If you’re a woman, just flash a dude at the bar/meeting/church service/what have you. I guarantee you’ll get some attention and a date.

This really needs no explanation. Just remember that you’ll now have a plethora of dates to chose from.

Choose wisely, mmkay???

6. Men…bring a BOOK with you somewhere.

You know, its really a shame I’m able to say this but, just read like 3 or 4 pages of said book. Go to a bar or something or somewhere that people look like they might read. Guaranteed, if you look friendly enough, some woman will ask you about the book you’re reading. If you are able to say something about it, you are GUARANTEED some convo, and probably enough to seal the deal.

7. Use poetry, more specifically this poem, and you’ll be A-O-K:

“My love for you is like a river
Like a summer breeze that makes my soul shiver
One look from you is more precious than gold…

…let’s go get some barbecue and get busy!!!!”

Oh yeah, and most importantly:

8)    Don’t look like a brillo pad.

Thank you and good night.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P