Tag Archives: usher

It’s Over Now: Things You Should Give Up At Age 30

Posted on by
430

Life's a b*tch and then you die.

While meandering through the wonderful world of Twitter the other day, I happened upon a conversation with world the world-famous @areefuhstanklin and @basseyworld about fashion tips for men with no fashion taste. Admittedly, a lot of men do indeed lack a fashion sense all their own. Most of the under 25-crowd dresses like 106 & Park (does this show still come on? I actually don’t know) rejects while a lot of the 25-34 crowd has one go to club (and life) outfit: the button up shirt and blazer that Usher and Kanye West made so popular…

…in 2004.

Yes. Confessions AND The College Dropout came out nearly six years ago. Yes. You just might be old.

Thing is, it was inferred that men over age 30 shouldn’t be wearing Timberland’s anymore. And I’m assuming we’re talking the construction boot “butters”. And that is patently wrong. If you’re from the Northeast, Tims are go to shoes for doing any and everything. They’re all purpose like a motherf*cker. While they’re not as comfortable as their popularity might indicate, fact is, for most of us, they’re the non-tennis shoe, non-dress shoe of choice.

So what I’m saying is that @basseyworld was wrong. However, there are certain things that one should give up once you hit age 30. Here’s a list for those that either don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about being a menace to South Central (or South Los Angeles now) while drinking their juice in the hood while watching the boring ass Oscars where Zoe Saldana looks like she’s trying to become PETA’s public enemy number one.

1. Aspirations, hopes and dreams of fame and fortune if you’ve been toiling away for 10 years and you’re still only famous in your building

Look, I’m all for the belief that if you see it, you can achieve…except it’s a total lie. T-Boz’s acting job in Belly teaches us that failure is a very real option. Nas’s acting for that matter, too. More than likely, the comments section will be filled with people saying “dreams of being a rapper” and it’s true. You should not start rapping after age 27. Period. It’s tacky and I feel sorry for your mother.

2. Camouflage clothing items

Unless you are specifically called away to a combat zone by the Secretary of Defense, you look like a damn fool. Camo is generally a bad fashion statement anyway, unless you are a Que and also wear purple and gold boots – a combo that is ONLY okay if you’re a Que, kind of like pink and green – but there comes a point where there just is no good reason to put on camo. I’d wager that when rappers stop wearing is that point (like now) but I’ll give you until 30.

3. Cheap colognes and oils from the subway/Metro man

Step your grown person sh*t up and pay for a real fragrance. If you want to smell homeless, then okay, but generally cheap sh*t smells like cheap sh*t.  Go to a real counter and somebody who charges you sales tax.

4. Music that includes odd associations with something called a Wacka Flocka Flame

Wacka’s associations go all over the place from Gucci to Shawty LO to people with worse names. Basically, I’m saying that upon reaching age 30, you should give up on any music from Atlanta that doesn’t involve somebody who worked with the Dungeon Family. Word.Life.

5. Outfits that intentionally include sweat pants

Sweatpants, while all purpose, are really not going to get you too far in life. At a certain point – and yes DC, I’m looking at you – sweat pants should be used for just that, sh*t that makes you sweat. I’ve seen way too many old ass men running around in overpriced designer sweatsuits thinking that looked good. It.did.not.

6. The apostrophes in your name

You know, if you ghetto and all.

7. Dreams of f*ckin’ an R&B b*tch

Biggie dead. Your dream should be too.

That’ll do, pig.

So what else should folks be giving up when they turn 30?

Explore. Explain.

D’extra Wiley.

(Wow. Mo’Nique won!)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Charm. Pt. ii

Posted on by
344

Yesterday, I said that any woman can be charmed. I fervently believe this to be true. Deep down, all women are romantics just waiting for some man to come in and sweep them off their feet with good conversation, romance, and some good wang. So despite the cold demeanor that many women possess, they’re all secretly hoping that even the 5’4” midget brotha with two gold and two silver teeth and wearing Fila’s will be the prince they read about when they heard about the first “tougher than Nigerian hair” weave goddess, Rapunzel.

But how is it possible that any woman can be charmed right out of her panties? I’m glad you asked. You see, we here at VSB.com are benevolent souls who’s sole goal in life is to help with the Cotton Removal Project people find love.

And for the record, this assumes you have the cajones to actually go talk to a chick. Also, let’s just assume we’re past the initial approach and trying to figure out how to get the young lady interested.

With that said, I present:

CHARMING HER SOCKS OFF: 5 WAYS TO CHARM A CHICK

1. Make her laugh. Despite the sheer no-brainer-ness of this it’s not easy to make a chick laugh. There are a few ways to do this. For some of you fellas, you can just whip out your Johnson. I’m sure that’s good for a laugh or two, but that’s not so much charming as it is sexual harassment. For most guys, being witty is key. Try to say something smart and funny. Try NOT to say something so STUPID that she’s laughing AT you and not with you because you tried to show you were smart. Basically, if you get into a conversation about grammar and the word homonym comes up, don’t say:
“Yeah, I really don’t get down with homonyms like that for real. I’m 100% percent straight, you know what I’m saying?”

2. Be vague and mysterious, but open and inviting…all at the same time. Tell her everything and nothing all at the same time. Women like to feel special and always want to feel like they’re getting more information out of you than other people have. In short, if she asks you a question just tell her that, “Look, it’s not in my nature to be mysterious. But I can’t talk about it and I can’t talk about why. However, I feel like I can open up to you.” See, say nothing and yet you’ve made yourself mysterious. Charmed.

3. Be artsy. I don’t quite get this one, but women love artsy cats. We can blame Love Jones for this one. But if you are talking to a chick and start alluding to how much you love jazz and art and how much music moves your soul, chances are you can see her naked. And hell, don’t actually KNOW what you’re talking about. You see, women like to believe in deep connections and passion. If you have passion and its palpable, well, you just might be able to get into a chick’s deep connection.

4. Basically stand out by being a little quirky. You’d think this would be a detriment, but the more memorable you are, the better chances you have of a chick catching some kind of instant attraction to you. Truthfully, there’s nothing more attractive to a chick than a dude who seems like he doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks but will be sensitive to her needs. If you can show her this in the first meeting, you’ll see her naked before Shawty Lo can spell onomatopoeia.

And yes I spelled that right. Go ahead, you can look it up.

5. Don’t pay her any real attention but keep her attention. This is similar to standing out, but in this scenario, you’re actually playing her to the left but making sure she still knows you’re there. This is some shit an artsy, quirky, cat would do and he’d stand out. If you make other people laugh, she’ll bite hook, line, and sinker. And then she’s as good as got. Call her a fish, jack, cuz she’s caught up like Usher in the Pacific Ocean.

Of course, these are but a few general ways to charm a chick. Essentially, the key to charming a woman is to keep her attention. If you can keep her attention, she’ll somehow think that perhaps you will hold her attention for life, because women are optimistic and believers. And smilers.

Folks of VSB.com, what are some other ways to charm the sex socks out of a woman? Open up and give.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST