This is another collaboration between Panama from VSB and Rahiel Tesfamariam from Urban Cusp. It is a bit long. So kick back and peep game. This is a little back and forth on what drives women crazy and how men view those same things. Enjoy.
A â€œHe Saidâ€/â€She Saidâ€ Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships
"My girl grillin' me. I got to go. This isn't going to end well."
What happens when you ask a group of women to tell you about some of the worst habits that men from their past have shared in common? They instantly become great writers, historians, and comedians who donâ€™t shy away from exclamation marks and ALL CAPS. Hereâ€™s a short list of things guaranteed to drive 99.9% of good women away and how a man might justify doing these things, from two people who have been there (or who at least know someone who has).
1)Â Â Â Habitually â€œchecking inâ€ and then falling off
Rahiel: His nickname is Mr. Check-in. Why? Because heâ€™s the king of â€œIâ€™m just checking in.â€ Rain, sleet, or snow â€“ heâ€™s guaranteed to call, text or email to ask about her day, family, and current affairs (like conflict in the Middle East). But it never amounts to anything (dates, a relationship, meaningful dialogue) besides him soon falling off of the face of the earth. Only to resurface weeks or months later â€“ just in time to â€œcheck-inâ€ again. He has seemingly devoted his life to keeping a foot in the door until she finally figures it all out and tells him to â€œcheckoutâ€ or simply gives him a taste of his own disappearing act.
Panama: Is it really menâ€™s fault that we like being cordial? In fact, itâ€™s womenâ€™s fault for assuming all of those convos are supposed to lead anywhere. Plus, only in a womanâ€™s mind does a man calling to ask sincere questions about how sheâ€™s doing and what sheâ€™s up to come across as rude and disingenuous. If it was your insurance salesman, youâ€™d be pleased as punch. Your dentist calls every six months, but if we do it, then weâ€™re playing games? Iâ€™m calling shenanigans on this one. We â€œcheck inâ€ because you crossed our mind – plain and simple. Be glad somebodyâ€™s thinking about you instead of being upset that somebody out there in this great big world thought enough to send a simple, â€œI hope all is well.â€ Iâ€™m convinced that women and bobcats are the only species on the planet who believe that every single action has to lead to something. Live like the honey badger. Besides, youâ€™ll be dead soon enough and nobody will text you then.
2)Â Â Â Doing the bare minimum
Rahiel: He asks her out on a date, she accepts, and he responds, â€œSo, figure out what you want to do and let me know.â€ This is what one of my girls had to say about that: â€œWhy do I now have to plan everything?Â Wasnâ€™t this date your idea?Â I think it says a lot if a man at least puts forth the effort to suggest something you could do on your date OR God forbid actually has everything planned. I think the complete lack of effort is either laziness, lack of leadership ability, or a sign of a self-centered man who does not think he needs to put forth any effort all.â€ This doesnâ€™t mean that the blueprint has to be laid out, but whereâ€™s the initiative? Having ideas in mind and having made efforts to plan things out suggest interest, responsibility, and consideration for others. And those things never go out of style â€“ even if you think chivalry has.
Panama: I totally agree on this one. Any man who wonâ€™t put at least a little effort into planning probably isnâ€™t really that into you. Iâ€™ve been that guy before and I honestly feel bad about it sometimes. Iâ€™m almost sure I owe a few apologies too. But you live and you learn. You know what though? You have to be careful with this one as well – not to read too much into it. Some guys are just chock full of knowledge of random and interesting things to do because they like doing them. Of course, those guys are a win for you. Just remember, you might feel special, but he took a chick hang-gliding yesterday too, boo. But in general, the least a man can do is plan a day or an evening that youâ€™ll spend together unless itâ€™s agreed upon that youâ€™ll just be streaming Netflix movies and ordering take out. Or watching reality television. Or yada yada yada.
3)Â Â Â Acting like a â€œsweatboxâ€
Rahiel: Growing up in DC, there were particular words you never wanted associated with your name. After bamma and hoodrat, sweatbox was high on the list. The term has historically been used to reference a man or woman who excessively admires another individual â€“ to an embarrassing (for all) extent. Somewhat of an unsolicited hype man. Sweatboxes werenâ€™t cool back then, and theyâ€™re not cool now. Women may vary in what they deem as an â€œacceptable sweat level,â€ but no one (in their right mind) wants to be contacted so much by you that it borders on stalking and begs the question: you donâ€™t have anything better to do in life than worship the ground I walk on?Â
Panama: Again, Iâ€™m calling shenanigans. This is complete and utter nonsense. And do you know why? You only feel this way about the guys youâ€™re not interested in. If you are feeling him then he canâ€™t call you enough. If you like him he can text you 1,000 times a day and youâ€™ll think each one just shows how much he likes you. Youâ€™ll rave to your friends about how much communication you all share. THEN youâ€™ll always be available whenever heâ€™s available. This is only an issue when the dude you arenâ€™t interested in keeps calling you. That dude is a nuisance. That dude doesnâ€™t get the message that youâ€™re not interested. That guy is the â€œsweatboxâ€. The guy you like? That guy is thoughtful and charming and canâ€™t seem to get enough of you. That guy treats you like a queenâ€¦ and worships the ground you walk on and you love it. Miss me with this one.
4)Â Â Â Talking a good game but never following through
Rahiel: He didnâ€™t enroll in â€œHow to Keep a Woman Happy 101â€ while in school and therefore doesnâ€™t know that he should never tell her heâ€™s going to do something and not actually do it. To him itâ€™s just a phone call that he neglected to make (for the 100th time nonetheless), but to her itâ€™s an epic failure and betrayal. Why? Because if she canâ€™t take his words to the bank and trust that sheâ€™ll get a return on them, then theyâ€™ll quickly become null and void to her.Â And we all know that if youâ€™ve lost a womanâ€™s trust, youâ€™ve ultimately committed relationship suicide. One word sums this all up: integrity. One female friend informed me that a lot of her girls have resorted to launching hi-tech investigations on new men that come into their lives.Â This entails checking all social media sites,Â wedding websites, and the registry lists of popular stores for wedding and/or baby registries. Really? Itâ€™s THAT serious now? What ever happened to full disclosure?
Panama: Seems to me like youâ€™re talking about two different things: follow through and honesty. Now yes, they are related, but obviously, some men donâ€™t follow through because they donâ€™t mean it in the first place. Blame the first woman who ever let him off the hook: his mama. Plus heâ€™s probably only saying what he thinks you want to hear and it isnâ€™t worth it to him to follow through because what he wants from you and what he gets are one and the same. No need to do better for you because he isnâ€™t convinced that he canâ€™t do better than you. Now on the honesty side of things, well, we all lie. Or rather we all tell versions of our own truths; women too. Yâ€™all donâ€™t tell men upfront that youâ€™re crazy just like he didnâ€™t tell you that he had a wife. Equal trade off? Nope. But youâ€™ll probably both end up dead in a few months dealing with each other anyway so whoopty do. By the way, while I do understand the desire to do a Google search on anybody you meet, some women take it too far. If you keep trying to find something wrong, you WILL find something wrong. Real talk, what happens in Mexico that ends up in the press, STAYS in Mexico. Oh and miss me on the full disclosure because very few women are going to put their nonsense in the street while expecting the man to let her know everything she needs to move forward. Women are information hoarders without wanting to do the same. Stop it.
Ladies? Fellas? What’s your take on those situations? Talk to me.
-VSB P and Rahiel Tesfamariam
Check back tomorrow on Urban Cusp for Part 2 of this series.
Meet Urban Cusp’s founder/editorial director Rahiel. You can follow her on Twitter @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and join Urban Cusp’s fan page on Facebook.