while the replies generated from monday’s ‘precious’ post were predictably split into “i saw it and i’m still verklempt” and “you’d have to drag me to the theater with eight horses and staple my eyelids open” camps, everyone agreed that its not the type of movie that’s conducive to repeated viewings.
thing is, ‘precious’ isn’t alone in its utter unrewatchability. while life gives us many things we can watch over and over again (apatow flicks, the evil eye baby, drunk snizzles reciting biggie lyrics, etc) without fatigue, there’s some sh*t we’ve all willingly seen that require absolutely no need whatsoever for repeated viewings, things that we’d probably be better off if we could unsee forever.
1. the r.kelly sex tape
after remembering that each of my three college teammates who owned this tape have been incarcerated at some point since then, i’m now convinced that “seeing how long someone can sit and watch this until getting up” should replace the myers-briggs as the go to personality profile test.
2. anything starring hilary swank
at this point, any theater showing one of her movies should come equipped with shower stalls so that moviegoers can get naked and cry in them when its over
3. childbirth
a process that cements the idea that pessimistic men aren’t built for relationships. put it this way: only a true optimist would willingly continue to eat p*ssy after witnessing that.
4. ‘the passion of the christ’
along with bad tipping, non-social crack smoking, and sending me tExT mEsSaGeS lIkE tHiS, owning the passion of the christ on dvd is a definite unconditional deal-breaker.
why? well something has to be seriously off with a person who thinks to themselves “hmmm. it’s been a stressful day today. maybe i’ll pop in a dvd after dinner to help wind down. ‘anchorman’ is always cool, but i think i’m in the mood to watch three consecutive hours of subtitled torture, gore, and bloody agony in high definition”
5. ‘rosewood’ and ‘three little girls’
“one-time only” viewing requirement for anybody who has gone their entire lives without wanting to kill a white person, and would like to keep that streak going
6. sammy sosa’s “new” face
“one-time only” viewing requirement for anybody who has gone their entire lives without wanting to kill a white person, and would like to keep that streak going
7. the evil device used for endoscopies.
- wait, ummm, you’re putting that where again?
8. the storage room of any supermarket
lets just say that anyone who’s struggling to lose weight would reach their goals much easier if they toured the basement at walmart. seriously, you’ll see more mystery meat, one-eyed roaches, and and blue tomatoes than in the lake outside of chernobyl
9. a female pornstar in person (this also applies to seeing a stripper in daylight doing normal non-stripper things)
a couple years ago i met cherokee d’ass in a shoe store in pittsburgh. apparently she was in town promoting her calender.
she was actually much smaller and un-rough looking than i assumed she would be, but whenever i see her “working” now i can’t help thinking about the “so, how many times have you j*rked off while thinking about me” face she was wearing when i shook her hand
10. nas in concert (actually, pretty much every hip-hop act other than the roots and busta rhymes)
for whatever reason, hip-hop usually just doesn’t translate well live in concert. and, while i love nas to death, you’d have to threaten to kill me if you want me to go to one of his shows.
people of vsb.com, i’m curious: what have you willingly seen that you wish to never, ever, ever, ever see again?
—the champ