The Practicality of “Ugly Affirmative Action”

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Yeah, it's not looking good for his earning potential

I’m a pretty big fan of words. I enjoy typing them, reading them, researching them, and, on many occasions, inventing them. (What, you thought “cunnilingusness” was a real word?)

In fact, it’s not uncommon for me to type a sentence, be “eh” about a certain word, go to a thesaurus at or Merriam-Webster to find a more appropriate word, and lose myself there; spending 20 minutes clicking on and learning new definitions, tenses, and antonyms. Along with my latent nerd tendencies, I think this obsession with finding the perfect word comes from a fear of being misunderstood; a neurosis that manifests as me making certain there’s no wiggle room when trying to convey some points.

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because, despite this need to be perfectly clear, there’s one word I try my damnedest not to use even if it seems like the optimum fit; a word so pejorative and condemning that I’d rather create a euphemistic phrase for it instead of just typing or speaking it: Ugly

What separates ugly from other common non-vulgar pejorative adjectives (dumb, stupid, fat, etc) — and why I’m reluctant to use it — is that it’s rarely accurate (“ugly” suggests a universal aesthetic belligerence — a quality very few people possess) and, more importantly, ugly sticks.

You can laugh off and forget being called stupid or dumb or even “unattractive” (the ultimate kind euphemism for “ugly”), but ugly tends to dig a tad deeper and tends to sound a tad meaner. We’re aware that being ugly might be the ultimate human albatross, and even jokingly giving a person that distinction is basically saying “your life is always going to suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

And, if you think I’m being too harsh about the burden of ugliness, check this out.

From “Ugly? You May Have a Case”

BEING good-looking is useful in so many ways.

In addition to whatever personal pleasure it gives you, being attractive also helps you earn more money, find a higher-earning spouse (and one who looks better, too!) and get better deals on mortgages. Each of these facts has been demonstrated over the past 20 years by many economists and other researchers. The effects are not small: one study showed that an American worker who was among the bottom one-seventh in looks, as assessed by randomly chosen observers, earned 10 to 15 percent less per year than a similar worker whose looks were assessed in the top one-third — a lifetime difference, in a typical case, of about $230,000.

Beauty is as much an issue for men as for women. While extensive research shows that women’s looks have bigger impacts in the market for mates, another large group of studies demonstrates that men’s looks have bigger impacts on the job.

This excerpt was written by University of Texas economics professor Daniel E. Hamermesh, whose new book “Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People are More Successful” explores a “duh!” premise and finds some intriguing results, including the “fact” that there actually is a universal standard of beauty and ugliness.

You might argue that people can’t be classified by their looks — that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That aphorism is correct in one sense: if asked who is the most beautiful person in a group of beautiful people, you and I might well have different answers. But when it comes to differentiating classes of attractiveness, we all view beauty similarly: someone whom you consider good-looking will be viewed similarly by most others; someone you consider ugly will be viewed as ugly by most others. In one study, more than half of a group of people were assessed identically by each of two observers using a five-point scale; and very few assessments differed by more than one point.

Basically, we’ll debate exactly where people on the top ten and people on the bottom ten percent of the looks scale should rank (“Yeah, she’s good looking, but she’s an 8.7 instead of a 9“), but we’ll all come to the same consensus that they definitely belong in their “good-looking” or “not good-looking” categories.

So, is there any way to rectify the fact that, on average, ugly people will make almost a quarter-million dollars less over their lifetimes than attractive people? Well, Hamermesh has a somewhat contrived (but somewhat practical) remedy for that problem.

A more radical solution may be needed: why not offer legal protections to the ugly, as we do with racial, ethnic and religious minorities, women and handicapped individuals?

We actually already do offer such protections in a few places, including in some jurisdictions in California, and in the District of Columbia, where discriminatory treatment based on looks in hiring, promotions, housing and other areas is prohibited. Ugliness could be protected generally in the United States by small extensions of the Americans With Disabilities Act. Ugly people could be allowed to seek help from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and other agencies in overcoming the effects of discrimination. We could even have affirmative-action programs for the ugly.

Now, I haven’t read his book yet (and this point might be addressed in it), but I question his methodology. While he suggests that employers discriminate against ugly people, it’s possible that people who’ve been called ugly their entire lives have developed a learned helplessness that affects their self-esteem and ultimately hinders their professional progress. The make less money because they’re worse workers and less ambitious, and they’re worse workers and less ambitious because they’re less confident.

Still, the idea of ugly affirmative action is an interesting one, and I’d be curious to see exactly how they’d construct the application process. (I imagine it would involve a ton of masks and funhouse mirrors.)

Anyway, people of, I’m curious: Do you think that ugly is too powerful of a word to be used lightly? Also, do you incorporate it in your lexicon, or do you try to use kinder euphemisms like “unattractive?”

Also, if it is true that ugly people get discriminated against, ugly affirmative action isn’t really that crazy of an idea, right?

—The Champ

Keep The Receipt: 5 Terrible Gift Ideas For This Holiday Season

fruitcakeWe’re nearing the end of November that can only mean one thing – Thanksgiving is nigh.  And what does nigh mean?

It means nearing, you academic, you.

Anyway, Black Friday is the day when folks blow their wads on uber-discounted discount price gifts for who shot John and Oh John the Rabbit (oh yes).  It really is the most wonderful time…of the year.  Giving and receiving.  Happy mornings and happy endings.  Love, smiles, and thanks.

Basically, it’s like pr0n except the polar opposite, and if it was sponsored by a jolly old fat man who epitomized the term, ice cold (no Alpha). Since I’m human, I love gifts.  There’s nothing like somebody figuring out that one gift you didn’t realize you wanted until you got it.  Similarly, there’s nothing like giving a gift to somebody who will truly appreciate it.

Which brings us to the point of today’s post, you can SO totally go wrong with gift-giving.  There are people who genuinely SUCK at gift-giving.  We all know somebody like this; they should be sent out with a list, a camera video phone, and a chaperone at all times.  Well, in case that person is you, I figured the least I can do is highlight some gifts that NOBODY wants.  Period.

It’s the least I can do.  ‘Tis the season!

Take a gander – a goose if you must.

1)  Snuggie

Yeah yeah, I know, it’s the blanket with sleeves or some such bull malarkey.  Look, kimo, the ONLY good thing to come from this Snuggie phenomenon is the commercial for it and more specifically the white dude raising the roof and partying like it’s 1999 or something.  Ironic considering that I think the last time somebody raised the roof and wasn’t pop culturally retarded was probably 1999.  Anyway, if you must get somebody one, the leopard print is definitely the way to go.  At least then, they’ll think it’s a gag gift.

2) So Fresh, So Dry aka FreshBalls

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  If you’re dating a man who’s having an overly moisturized problem in his nether regions….skip it, are you tired of  your hands sliding off of his balls when you get to fondling?  Well, ladies you’re in luck.  Except you’re not.  This is a terrible gift.  The name alone sounds like a joke, but it’s real.  However, there is something to be said about the insane comedic value of saying “sweaty balls” out loud.  I dare you to say it and not at least crack a smile.

Sweaty balls.


3)  The Vulva Portrait Pendant

This sh*t right here, ninja?  This sh*t right here?  Look, the fact that you might ACTUALLY polaroid the poonanny and send it thru the world wide web (no pun intended) is bad enough.  But expecting to get a necklace in return that you expect ANYBODY to wear around their necks is taking ewwwwww to a whole new level.  Read my lips (um, not my lips, I don’t have lips, well not THOSE lips…this is going nowhere fast), this is a bad idea.  This doesn’t even work on a feminist, “owning my vajayjay” level.  By the way, in the pic on the site, the one on the far left (the brown one) looks like it got a bad strain of H1N1 vaccine, like it was mixed with cyanide and Five Alive.

4)  The Obama Chia Pet

The fact that the plant grows into an afro, one of which Obama does not have, isn’t even the big problem here.  The problem is that it costs $19.95 to own something that essentially looks like a homeless alien with a mole.  Oh, and it doesn’t look like Obama.  As an aside, am I the only person who thinks that the Chia people have been WAITING to come out with a Black person worthy of a chia so they could run with the afro?  No?  I think too much?  Ok. Ok. You’re right.  You’re right.

5)  This Thing Right Here

Let’s help the people, people.   What are some other terrible gift ideas?

Keep relationships alive.  Keep the love alive.

Keep hope alive.