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Love & Hip Hop and The Proposal

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Beware, there are a lot of strong faces in this picture.

You know how women tend to map out their weddings? Even the most hardened, thugged out, stabbin’ ninja woman has some vision of her wedding. And the proposal? Yeah, they all have an idea of what they’d like it to look like. Sure reality and fantasy may never collide but the idea, the hope, is always there. And I’d bet double or nothing that Chrissy’s ideal proposal looked nothing like the pisspoor one that Jim Jones gave to her on the last episode of vh1′s academic and rigorously brain teasing show, Love & Hip-Hop.

If you know Black people. There’s a solid chance that 78.5% of them all watch Love & Hip-Hop every Monday night. That number includes 100% of video hoes as they all view the show as comeup central.

I’m half surprised that Jim didn’t just throw the box at her and say, “gotcha b*tch. Happy now?” I’m being hyperbolic but he didn’t even kneel down. And he tried to play this cool, detached, somewhat pissed role cum captain save-a-ho at the end with the sweet gangsta thing that went terribly wrong. And do you know why? It’s impossible to be hardcore when proposing to a woman. It’s one of the moments in a man’s life when he’s truly vulnerable. It’s like putting up a Christmas tree. It is completely ungangsta to put up a Christmas tree. You ever seen a jolly thug? Some random ninja with a Santa hat and a .45 tucked into his waistband while laying tinsel every so gently on a fir? Smiling? While sipping on some eggnog and eating oatmeal raisin cookies? Exactly. Let the thug go. Jimmy…couldn’t do it. He basically handed her a box, said “do you want to marry me?” and then feel proud of himself for giving her what she wanted. Except the whole time he didn’t even really look like he wanted to be there.

Except…she didn’t care because she’s been waiting for that ring for some seven years so she was just happy to get it. Except now what? Except, right. Which begs the question here, does the proposal matter that much?

I’m only asking because if you’ve been waiting for seven years (or three or four, or whenever she proposed to him) to the point that you keep grandstanding, talking about leaving and having your oddlyfaced friends help you pack up stuff from a house that you really don’t want to leave with a life you don’t want to give up, do you even care how he does it? Or are you just happy that he does it. And I’m inclined to believe that Jimmy wasn’t trying to give a dbag proposal. He just didn’t know how to pull off thugged out and vulnerable man at the same time. And real talk, calling it a dbag proposal might be overstating.

Which brings me to some more overstatements: Love & Hip-Hop is one ridiculous ass show. So Jim Jones proposal makes perfect sense. We have one of the most unattractive attractive women on the planet in Emily, a woman who’s been chasing Fabolous since before he could misspell it seems. And she just can’t get it right. Then there’s Olivia. Bless her heart. You may remember her…actually,  you probably don’t remember her at all. First she tried to get us to “Bizzounce” years ago and we didn’t. Then 50 Cent tried to convince us that she had star power…DURING HIS HEYDAY. Think about that. Even when 50 Cent was on TOP of the game he couldn’t convince us to care about her.

This from a man who made Tony Yayo relevant. Again, think about that. Kimbella, oh Kimbella. I’m sure she’s hot. I’m sure I don’t find her hot. Maybe its because she annoys me so much. Though not as much as Teairra Mari who for the life of me has contributed nothing to the world aside from a great rack and the song “Sponsor” featuring Gucci Mane, which, I actually loved. But on this show…pointless.

Yandy? She mildly amuses me but only because she’s just somebody else who latched on to the Jim Jones bandwagon. Nancy, love her. But I tend to like crackheads. And then there’s Chrissy.

I cannot stand her. Many women I know love her no-nonsense attitude….except when it comes to Jimmy. Honestly, if it wasn’t for all of her instigating and fighting, I’d hate her more. But alas, she keeps bringing the gun to the knifefight so she does possess value.

Look, the show blows. There’s too much boohooing over men that don’t want them and then too many talentless women attempting to be somebody in the world. There’s really no reason for this show to exist.

But at the end of the day, Love & Hip-Hop makes me realize that despite the fact that I’m not rich, apparently me and Jim Jones could live in the same neighborhood since there seem to be a plethora of tiny ass houses right next door to him. (Seriously, did homeboy have his house built in a neighborhood full of 2 bedroom homes?) The problems that these broads have are not unlike everybody else’s problems except they’re potentially more ridiculous because all of their fame is due to the men they’re associated with. I find it so interesting how many women love these shows considering how they fly in the face of nearly everything women get so pissed at men for saying.

These women are the living embodiment of a Tyler Perry movie without a script but women tune in every Monday with reckless abandon. THEN talk sh*t about the terrible Tyler Perry movies and how they do a disservice to women everywhere. Okay. Alright.

What’s the draw? I don’t know. But the next time any of y’all who love these shows tell me Tyler Perry is selling us out…I’m going to throw my show at you or one of those bottles Kimbella threw at Erica Mena. And then I’ll have Chrissy yank your lacefront.

So real talk…why the hell do people love these shows so much? Don’t tell me the drama…it can’t be that simple? And speaking of the proposal to Chrissy, does it matter or is the fact that it happens that much more significant in general?

Talk to me…what’s with the love for Love & Hip-Hop?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

10 Not Really All That Positive Things Black America Should Still Be Thankful For

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You're welcome

“Don’t worry about it. I never get sick”

I said this to a bartender at a restaurant last week. She’d forgotten to put a straw in my drink, and offered to run in the back and get me one. When I told her not to worry about it, she asked if I was sure, and reminded me that straws protect you from germs and shit. (in hindsight, she was either the most helpful bartender ever or she was definitely flirting with me and I’m just now realizing it)

I was able to say that so confidently because, well, it’s true…I never, ever, ever get sick. Sure, I might get a headache every now and then and maybe a sniffle or two, but I’d have to go back at least a decade to think of a time where I was sick enough to stay in bed all day or legitimately miss a day of work. Recently, I even got arrogant with it and began to test my limits — occasionally intentionally under-dressing for the weather and drinking heavily on nights I knew I had to work early in the morning (I don’t get hangovers either)

Anyway, this conversation occurred on a Wednesday night.

24 hours later, I was getting my ass kicked by some mutant hybrid Vietnamese e coli monkey virus that somehow made its way into my system and didn’t decide to stop kicking my stomachs ass until Tuesday morning. In that 96 hour span, I took roughly 100 shits, lost 15 to 20 pounds, and prayed in about 17 different languages to my toilet.

Thing is, despite the hell it put me through, this bug couldn’t have come at a better time. I’d begun to spread myself too thin with all of my writing/work commitments, and perhaps I just needed some time to close my laptop and refresh my brain before I did anything else. The mutant hybrid Vietnamese e coli monkey virus wasn’t the best thing in the world, but I have to say that I’m thankful that I got it when I did.

Anyway, this experience reminded me that we — humans, Christians, whatever — are supposed to be thankful for everything, not just the seemingly good things. And, as we enter Thanksgiving weekend, I thought of a few more not really all that positive things that we still should be thankful for.

1. Tyler Perry 

As I’ve stated before, Perry’s 100 mph descent into full cinematic retard territory just helps ensure that the Luke to his Anakin will eventually emerge and defeat the formidable Madea Kraken

2. Kim Kardashian

Someone has to entertain those 450 or so locked-out NBA n*ggas. Be thankful it’s not you.

3. Celebrity Twitter Idiocy and Bitchassness

Helps us sleep better when equipped with the knowledge that, regardless of how rich and famous some celebrities might be, the only way they’d beat you at Scrabble is if you replaced your brain with your sphincter.

4. Herman Cain

For showing us that, as long as he’s an unapologetically horny, nonsensical, misinformed, and irrationally elderly man, conservatives do actually care about black people

5. Reality Television Fights

Since the NFL has become increasingly non-violent and boxing has become increasingly irrelevant, Basketball Wives and Love and Hip Hop have become the only times we’re able to experience the vicarious rush that comes from watching a fight involving people we actually “know”

6. The Recession

Just think of all the crack, weave, rims, and chitlins that have been shelved in the last three years because we just couldn’t afford to buy it.

7. The NBA Lockout

No NBA = No commercials for the WNBA during NBA games

8. Unironic ratchetness

Eternally entertaining, unrelentingly spell-bounding, and consistently amazing (unless, of course, you’re close enough to it to catch a bullet ricochet)

9. BET

Just be thankful that they’re continuing to try very hard.

10. Drake’s “Take Care”

For finally providing the perfect soundtrack for the Diva Dude

Anyway, people of VSB, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other not really all that positive things that either you in particular or black America in general should still be thankful for? 

Oh, and please make sure to have a safe and happy holiday weekend and sh*t.

—The Champ

For Better or Worse: Why We Desperately Need Tyler Perry

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I'm sorry Ms. Jackson

One of my favorite chapters in “The Book of Basketball” — Bill Simmons’ best-selling tome about the NBA  — devotes several pages to all the “what if’s” surrounding Len Bias. Bias, who starred at the University of Maryland, was drafted by the Boston Celtics in 1986, but overdosed on cocaine and died before he ever got the chance to play in the NBA. In the chapter, Simmons goes through a bunch of hypothetical scenarios based on one question “What if Len Bias never overdosed?”

(If you want to find out more about Bias’ story — and don’t mind shedding a tear — watch “Without Bias,” ESPN’s 30/30 documentary about his death)

What particularly stood out to me was his theory about how Bias’ death actually stunted Michael Jordan’s career, a theory I agree with. Despite how great MJ was, he never really had a serious rival to compete with. Yes, I still believe he’s the greatest player to ever live, but he also was able to dominate because he reached his prime at a time when all of his greatest rivals were either seriously flawed (ie: Charles Barkley, Dominique Wilkins, Clyde Drexler, Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing), over-the-hill (Magic, Bird), or possessed certain physical limitations that left them unable to really be able to go toe-to-toe with him (Isiah Thomas).

(The Bulls were also somewhat lucky that they never had to face Hakeem Olajuwon in the playoffs — the one guy they had no answers for)

But, if Bias would have stayed alive, maybe MJ would have had that rival, that person he would have had to measure himself against and even occasionally lose to. And, maybe Bias’ competition would have pushed Jordan to become an even better player.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, while making my weekly blog rounds yesterday, I A) learned that Tyler Perry is now the richest man in Hollywood, and B) came across a trailer for Tyler Perry’s ‘For Better Or Worse‘ — a new TV show based on the dysfunctional marriage of one of the couples from the “Why Did I Get Married” series.

After watching the trailer, I…well…I’m going to be nice and say that I have absolutely no doubt that the show will be a HUGE success.

Now, my feelings about Perry’s work are well-documented. But, while the sight of any and all things Tyler Perry usually produces some combination of amazement, incredulousness, snark, and contempt, a different thought went through my head this time. I guess you can say that I had an epiphany.

Tyler Perry is black culture’s Len Bias

One of the reasons why Perry’s popularity is so unnerving to so many is because there’s nothing to compete against it. Right now, he is the Alpha, Beta, Delta, and Omega of black film. Now, this is no fault of his. In fact, his work ethic and opportunism are easily his most endearing qualities.

And, quiet as it’s kept, while we love to complain about how Perry’s work is setting us back, we weren’t exactly setting the movie world on fire before he got hot. His first movie — “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” — was released in 2005. Quick, name another good black movie — and “black movie” is defined in this case as a movie with predominately black characters and a plot involving them — that came out that year. Or the year before. Or the year after. Without running to Google, “Akeelah and The Bee” is the only one I could think of.

Point? Black film was in a serious creative depression, and Perry stepped right in with an ingenious plan to cater towards the most loyal constituency on Earth — Christian black women — and gave them relateable characters, resonate story lines, and eye candy. (Seriously, Perry’s male characters spend more time topless than any other black men I’ve ever seen)

But, just how the country needed to have eight years of Bush before a black man with a Muslim name and cornrowed daughters had a shot at the White House, maybe Perry’s reign will inspire some young black writing savant to get on his shit and create an Oscar-winning, record-breaking, script. Maybe “For Better Or Worse” will motivate some production intern to finish that premise and storyboard she’s been working on, and maybe that’ll turn into this generation’s versions of “The Cosby Show” and “A Different World.”

Tyler Perry is playing his part to perfection. He’s to black filmmaking what Len Bias would have been to basketball. We don’t need him to get better, or stop making movies, or stop being so thin-skinned. In fact, we need him to get worse, to start making 10 movies a year, and become so thin-skinned that toilet paper makes him draw blood.

I want him to go full-cinematic retard. I want him to cast black characters in black face. When Cicely Tyson finally dies, I want him to continue to cast her in movies. I want to see a Tyler Perry film where Tasha Smith is Joan of Arc, and Michael Jai White is her too-diesel for the 15th century husband, JaMarcus of Arc. I want to see Drake cast as a kind-hearted plumber with a dreadlocks wig. I want to see Madea goes to The Moon, and Madea does Dallas.

Maybe then our missing Michael Jordan will finally emerge; a person with just as much hunger, sticktoitiveness, determination, passion, and business sense as Perry, but with, you know, talent.

But, if that day never comes…God — or whoever the hell else is powerful enough to permanently mute Madea — help us all.

—The Champ

***Check out “Making Friends & Facebook Prowling” — The Champ’s latest at Madame Noire***

Tyler Perry Continues Plans To Destroy The World

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Are you read for 12-13 sequels?

Or at least I’m sure that’s how many people feel after the recent media reports that Tyler Perry and his movie distributor Lionsgate were in talks to bring Tyler Perry’s productions to a new medium, most likely by creating a new cable television network, TylerTV. I’ve seen people losing their sh*t on Twitter and I only read for like five minutes. I’m fairly certain that the majority of the Reading Black Folks Consortium of America collectively yelled “no” and prepared for more non-sense and nincompoopery hitting our airwaves on a 24/7 basis.

Except here’s the thing, what’s the big damn deal? No…really. What’s the big deal?

We’ve been through this before and I get it. Tyler Perry is the living embodiment of the word “conversate”. He’s everything that’s wrong that doesn’t know its wrong and continues on smiling and shucking and jiving anyway. I’m sure we’re going to see some television shows that we never even knew that we never wanted to see. In fact, here are a few shows that have the potential to show up on TylerTV amid the objections of, well, everybody:

- Cooking With Madea- cookin’ Kool-Aid

-Madea’s Faith Based F*ckery – where Madea reads Psalms while waving a .44 in the air like she just doesn’t care and interviewing ex-cons and actresses who only star in Tyler Perry movies and TP knockoffs like Denise Boutte and Keshia Knight-Pulliam about their plight for Jesus

Eh,  I bore with that exercise.

Anyway…

That movie studio and Mr. Perry — whose flourishing African-American fan base consistently turns his plays, television shows and films into hits — are forming a new venture called Tyler TV, according to an industry official briefed on the matter who requested anonymity because the plans are private.

The partners will initially stock the channel with reruns of Mr. Perry’s sitcoms and movies, including the popular Madea series, in which he appears in drag as the title character, a gun-toting grandmother. They also plan to buy third-party content that meshes with Mr. Perry’s Christianity-tinged brand.

I really don’t see what would make Tyler Perry’s channel any different than TVOne or BET to tell the truth…except that there’s a good chance that people might intentionally watch it. His fanbase is pretty rabid and can’t get enough of his movies. And at this point he has an abundance. Maybe I’m masochistic or turning Republican, but the idea that we’d get another station owned and run by a Black person is actually pretty dope. Granted, its Tyler Perry but I think he’s a necessary evil. And love him or hate him, the man knows how to cater to his base. Sure his movies browbeat their message into the watchers. But we know all that already.

Hm…you know what’s surprising? That Oprah’s OWN channel isn’t doing as well as they hoped. Do you know what that insinuates? People really only like their sh*t the way they like it. Folks want to see Oprah at 4pm every day on whatever network she was on. But now…folks can take or leave whatever it is she’s bringing. Folks didn’t want all that extra programming that they weren’t going to watch, they just want to see Oprah. Tyler Perry might be able to leapfrong that kind of problem since it seems that anything with his name attached does well. Tyler Perry could release phones and some church would offer to sponsor them with some of Jesus’s wine money.

I will say this, Tyler Perry has some issues. Now they seem to be ones that a lot of women respond to: this need for the male savior. I wonder if he’d pick television shows and create them in which the damsel in distress epidemic was front and center?

Who knows. All I know is that at the end of the day, Tyler Perry stays winning.

So I ask you VSBNinjas, what do you think about Tyler Perry’s potential new television network? Do you care at all? And for sh*ts and giggles…what do you think would be a new TV show that would run on TylerTV and TylerTV only?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Why Tyler Perry Would Have Improved Jumping The Broom

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I got nothing.

That title in and of itself might have just made your head explode but hear me out.

I assume that everybody who is going to see Jumping The Broom has already seen it. We’re not exactly Avatar type movie-goers for Black films so I feel that’s a safe statement. Right? Shamon.

Jumping The Broom is an alright movie. I wasn’t really moved one way or another, but like apple sauce, Gabrielle Union, and quesadillas, I’m glad it exists. The whole premise was telegraphed from the beginning: Two ninjas from opposite sides of the track meet in fairytale way, fall in love, get engaged to be married…all within a matter of five months. Hood family vs bougie family…shenanigans ensue. Paula Patton is a banger so even if she’s the doofiest woman in America she’s fun to look at at all times. Laz Alonzo does a good enough job. Speaking of Laz, have you seen his IMDB page? Does anybody else have more TV and film credits that read like pr0n than he does? Angela Basset and Loretta Devine do Angela Basset and Loretta Devine things which is always a win.

Two things about those two women: 1) if my wife looks like Angela Bassett at 50, I promise to go to church once a year and only complain when absolutely necessary; 2) when and if my life story ever makes it to the silver screen, and she’s still alive, I want Loretta Devine to play my momma. Not because she reminds me of my mother, actually quite the opposite, but she just has “somebody’s mama” down pat. And I like down pat. It reminds me of up and loose. Which may or may not be the name of my favorite stripper from The Trill Spot.

Like I said the movie was alright but had some unnecessary and pretty significantly unaddressed plot twists that either weren’t resolved or resolved via copouts just to end the movie, but nowhere near the Straight Outta Brooklyn levels of movie ending pure sucktitude.

So here’s my problem with this movie, it seems like they made every attempt to NOT be a Tyler Perry movie despite attempting to make a Tyler Perry movie. I know its a TD Jakes special which means that it probably seems like it should be better than it is, kind of like the entire neo-soul genre. So maybe I’m levying expectations where none should exist anyway. Anybody who’s seen Not Easily Broken or Woman Thou Art Loosed knows what I mean. Except, those weren’t funny movies and didn’t have premises intended to be humorous.

Jumping The Broom does, however. So bringing a sort of pseudo-serious but humorous approach to a paint-by-the-numbers plot doesn’t necessarily work so well. If it’s not that funny, you are forced to pay attention to the, ya know, plot, which has more holes than Magic City. Which is why I think Tyler Perry would have made this movie more entertaining.

Nobody glosses over plot holes better or with as much reckless abandon as Tyler Perry. It’s almost like TP feels like rounding out story arcs is a completely unnecessary facet of filmmaking. Forget the story, let’s create a message.

Let me say this, I’m not tearing down this movie or trying to say that Salim Akil didn’t know what he was doing or didn’t do a good job. He did and lots of people love it. Great. But if you’re going to make a Tyler Perry movie you have to follow the protocol. Namely, you’ve got to play to your stereotypes. You have Mike Epps and DeRay Davis, two funny when unleashed comedians. They were completely constrained by the script, probably in attempts to not be a Tyler Perry movie…except you just limited the comedic elements of the movie which are needed in a family drama meets comedy movie. They were there to provide comic relief and the customary funny-man-turned-spiritual-advisor roles but they were just kind of blah.

Which is kind of my point if you’re going to cast stereotypes, let the stereoypes live. I’m almost convinced Tyler Perry just writes the most stereotypical thing he can for each character, casts folks then says, say whatever comes natural as long as its as stereotypical as possible…then we’ll make millions. And he does. And do you know why? Because those people exist. They’re in my family. They’re in your family. All of the conversations that happen in TP movies actually happen. In Jumping The Broom, it seemed like they were on the brink of going “there” but never quite made it because if they did go “there”, then it would be a Tyler Perry film and perhaps the message would get lost. Except wait, this movie didn’t have one unlike all Tyler Perry flicks. So they’d be free to just make a funny as all hell movie without the religious and social consciousness angle being lobbed around like a crack pipe in DC.

I honestly think if Tyler Perry had gotten ahold of this script and wrote some of the conversations, the comedy would have been taken to a higher level and thus the movie would have been more entertaining in the way it was intended. You want family drama, you have  to unleash the dragon. Sisqo.  I realize that nearly all Black filmmakers in Hollywood now get stuck with the TP vs non-TP label and I’ll bet that most filmmakers probably go out of their way to avoid the pitfalls of making a film like that. But Perry stays winning for a reason. I’m not even speaking on his merits (which I’ve come around on) or the quality of the movies (which I’ve also stopped arguing about). The dude makes entertaining movies and that’s why I go to the movies, to be entertained. So what that none of is even close to making any sense. I also love Forrest Gump. And Skittles.

Did you see Jumping The Broom? If so, what did you think? Would Tyler Perry have improved it? Hell, is it possible for the words Tyler Perry and improvement to exist together? Or was it just fine as it was and you love greatness?

That’s my piece. And my peace. Peace.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DID I JUST WRITE WHAT I THINK I WROTE WHEN I WROTE WHAT I JUST DID WRITE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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