Tag Archives: tyler perry

Why Tyler Perry Would Have Improved Jumping The Broom

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I got nothing.

That title in and of itself might have just made your head explode but hear me out.

I assume that everybody who is going to see Jumping The Broom has already seen it. We’re not exactly Avatar type movie-goers for Black films so I feel that’s a safe statement. Right? Shamon.

Jumping The Broom is an alright movie. I wasn’t really moved one way or another, but like apple sauce, Gabrielle Union, and quesadillas, I’m glad it exists. The whole premise was telegraphed from the beginning: Two ninjas from opposite sides of the track meet in fairytale way, fall in love, get engaged to be married…all within a matter of five months. Hood family vs bougie family…shenanigans ensue. Paula Patton is a banger so even if she’s the doofiest woman in America she’s fun to look at at all times. Laz Alonzo does a good enough job. Speaking of Laz, have you seen his IMDB page? Does anybody else have more TV and film credits that read like pr0n than he does? Angela Basset and Loretta Devine do Angela Basset and Loretta Devine things which is always a win.

Two things about those two women: 1) if my wife looks like Angela Bassett at 50, I promise to go to church once a year and only complain when absolutely necessary; 2) when and if my life story ever makes it to the silver screen, and she’s still alive, I want Loretta Devine to play my momma. Not because she reminds me of my mother, actually quite the opposite, but she just has “somebody’s mama” down pat. And I like down pat. It reminds me of up and loose. Which may or may not be the name of my favorite stripper from The Trill Spot.

Like I said the movie was alright but had some unnecessary and pretty significantly unaddressed plot twists that either weren’t resolved or resolved via copouts just to end the movie, but nowhere near the Straight Outta Brooklyn levels of movie ending pure sucktitude.

So here’s my problem with this movie, it seems like they made every attempt to NOT be a Tyler Perry movie despite attempting to make a Tyler Perry movie. I know its a TD Jakes special which means that it probably seems like it should be better than it is, kind of like the entire neo-soul genre. So maybe I’m levying expectations where none should exist anyway. Anybody who’s seen Not Easily Broken or Woman Thou Art Loosed knows what I mean. Except, those weren’t funny movies and didn’t have premises intended to be humorous.

Jumping The Broom does, however. So bringing a sort of pseudo-serious but humorous approach to a paint-by-the-numbers plot doesn’t necessarily work so well. If it’s not that funny, you are forced to pay attention to the, ya know, plot, which has more holes than Magic City. Which is why I think Tyler Perry would have made this movie more entertaining.

Nobody glosses over plot holes better or with as much reckless abandon as Tyler Perry. It’s almost like TP feels like rounding out story arcs is a completely unnecessary facet of filmmaking. Forget the story, let’s create a message.

Let me say this, I’m not tearing down this movie or trying to say that Salim Akil didn’t know what he was doing or didn’t do a good job. He did and lots of people love it. Great. But if you’re going to make a Tyler Perry movie you have to follow the protocol. Namely, you’ve got to play to your stereotypes. You have Mike Epps and DeRay Davis, two funny when unleashed comedians. They were completely constrained by the script, probably in attempts to not be a Tyler Perry movie…except you just limited the comedic elements of the movie which are needed in a family drama meets comedy movie. They were there to provide comic relief and the customary funny-man-turned-spiritual-advisor roles but they were just kind of blah.

Which is kind of my point if you’re going to cast stereotypes, let the stereoypes live. I’m almost convinced Tyler Perry just writes the most stereotypical thing he can for each character, casts folks then says, say whatever comes natural as long as its as stereotypical as possible…then we’ll make millions. And he does. And do you know why? Because those people exist. They’re in my family. They’re in your family. All of the conversations that happen in TP movies actually happen. In Jumping The Broom, it seemed like they were on the brink of going “there” but never quite made it because if they did go “there”, then it would be a Tyler Perry film and perhaps the message would get lost. Except wait, this movie didn’t have one unlike all Tyler Perry flicks. So they’d be free to just make a funny as all hell movie without the religious and social consciousness angle being lobbed around like a crack pipe in DC.

I honestly think if Tyler Perry had gotten ahold of this script and wrote some of the conversations, the comedy would have been taken to a higher level and thus the movie would have been more entertaining in the way it was intended. You want family drama, you have  to unleash the dragon. Sisqo.  I realize that nearly all Black filmmakers in Hollywood now get stuck with the TP vs non-TP label and I’ll bet that most filmmakers probably go out of their way to avoid the pitfalls of making a film like that. But Perry stays winning for a reason. I’m not even speaking on his merits (which I’ve come around on) or the quality of the movies (which I’ve also stopped arguing about). The dude makes entertaining movies and that’s why I go to the movies, to be entertained. So what that none of is even close to making any sense. I also love Forrest Gump. And Skittles.

Did you see Jumping The Broom? If so, what did you think? Would Tyler Perry have improved it? Hell, is it possible for the words Tyler Perry and improvement to exist together? Or was it just fine as it was and you love greatness?

That’s my piece. And my peace. Peace.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DID I JUST WRITE WHAT I THINK I WROTE WHEN I WROTE WHAT I JUST DID WRITE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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A Final Word On This Tyler Perry/Love Jones Mess

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10 days ago I decided to write a “screenplay” based on my vision of what a Tyler Perry produced remake of “Love Jones” would look like. Titled “A Sneak-Peek Into “Tyler Perry’s Love Jones”, it gave the first 10 minutes of “Love Jones” the complete Tyler Perry treatment (i.e.: the first scene was set in an Atlanta strip club/hair salon instead of a Chicago poetry spot, the idea of Christianity was beat into the audience’s head, etc).

Now, people familiar with VSB know I’ll occasionally throw out a completely satirical article from time to time — “10 dating and relationship tips from drake” and “the transcript (from every piece ever televised about “successful, but single” black women)” the most notable examples — and most immediately realized this was a joke. I don’t know exactly what gave it away, but if I had to guess, it would have been the very first paragraph of the “screenplay.”

Opening Scene:

Setting: “The Mortuary” — a popular hair salon/male strip club in Atlanta, Georgia.

As Walter Hawkins’ version of “Goin’ Up Yonder” plays in the backdrop, the camera pans over the highly engaged and eclectic crowd. Peach Snapple, an blaxican male stripper who vaguely resembles a much happier Scottie Pippen, dances on stage while the women sitting in the salon chairs — many of whom still have curlers in their hair — sway to the rhythmic claps of Peach Snapple’s muscular man booty.

But, not everyone came to this same realization, and within several hours, a “Tyler Perry is remaking Love Jones!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” meme began to spread.¹

It started on Twitter.

Then a few message boards picked it up.

Rihanna, Chris Brown, Tyler Perry, Love Jones Remake?!?

Tyler Perry to remake…

After the message boards came the blogs.

Rumor Mill: Tyler Perry to Remake Iconic Black Romance Movie ‘Love Jones’

TYLER PERRY OPTION TO REMAKE BLACK CLASSIC, LOVE JONES?!

After the blogs came the videos.

Tyler Perry and the Remake of Love Jones

Some well-intentioned and unfortunate soul even started a freakin’ petition!

Stop Tyler Perry’s remake of Love Jones

By the end of last week, places where people actually get paid to vet and investigate the source and validity of rumors even began to report on it.

The Truth About Tyler Perry Doing ‘Love Jones’ Remake

(Out of all of the tweets, blogs, and articles, this one was easily the most disappointing. Wilson Morales — the author of this report — didn’t contact VSB, the ONLY source of this rumor, so this quote from his article “…Blackvoices.com has learned through sources how true the rumor is.” is a f*cking lie. )

The ‘Love Jones’ Remake: Is Tyler Perry Really Involved?

(To Jenée Desmond-Harris’s credit, she merely reported on BV On Movies’ report, and she cited VSB in her article as well. Still, I was puzzled why she didn’t just name VSB as the source of the rumor.)

Anyway, while reflecting on this entire farce, four thoughts came to mind.

1. The prevalence of the Derek Zoolander-ass n*ggas — people who either can’t or just refuse to actually read — has become pandemic

Last Tuesday, I went on a bit of a rant on Twitter denouncing those who believed this rumor to be true.

From Twitter.com/VerySmartBros:

irony — people who believed the T.Perry/Love Jones rumor possessed the same traits (ie: not “getting” nuance or humor) they hate Perry for.

and yes, if you thought that shit was true, #shotsfired at you.

sorry about the rant. just had to get it off my chest. and by “get it off my chest” i mean “remind you all why dumb n*ggas need to die!!!”

An hour or so after posting it, I re-read this rant and immediately started to feel uneasy. It seemed elitist, judgmental, and mean. And, while I, um, am elitist, judgmental, and (occasionally) mean, I thought I’d gone too far; harshly mocking people who weren’t as well-read as I am.

I then re-read the original entry, and all thoughts of being too harsh flew out the window.

Seriously, how the f*ck can anyone read that and think it was real???

A movie set in a strip club/hair salon??? A character named Vaseline Williams??? Chris Brown and Rihanna as the leads??? Loretta Devine cast as Rihanna’s Puerto Rican homegirl???

Also, do you know how many major motion pictures have been released where the movie opens to a male stripper bootyclapping while the appreciative crowd nods on rhythm?

(No rush. Take whatever time you need to Google this answer.)

Okay. time’s up. The answer? ZERO!

Why zero? Because it can’t happen!

Why not? Because if you were to put a scene like that in movie, it would immediately go from “major motion picture” to “porno.” There’s no way in hell that anyone, Tyler Perry included, would even consider putting a scene like this in an “R” rated movie.

Anyway, after seeing how far the rumor has gone, it makes perfect sense why a there’s a better chance of Muammar Gaddafi winning a WNBA dunk contest than a black movie winning an Oscar today. While there are pockets of very smart brothas and sistas, we’re either too small in number or too apathetic to drown out the never ending cacophony of idiocy emitting from our brethren and sistren. As long as this is true, the vast majority of our art will continue to pander to this audience. I weep for the young.

2. “Black people” and “satire” just don’t seem to mix very well

Maybe it’s because of the fact that this whole living in America thing has made us hyper-sensitive to any slights, real or perceived. Maybe it’s a bit of a chicken-egg phenomenon — we’re used to a certain type of “call in response” type art, art meant to induce crowd participation, and the only way satire works is if you pay absolutely no attention to the audience and give them no indication that you’re not serious. And, well, maybe the topics near and dear us are satire-proof. (Think about it: Out of the six most prominent cinematic examples of satire produced by black people — “Hollywood Shuffle,” “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka,” “Don’t Be A Menace…,” “Bamboozled,” the underrated “Undercover Brother,” and “Black Dynamite” — three of them parodied the same topic — the blaxploitation era. Maybe there’s really no other “black” era you can safety satirize without trepidation.)

Regardless of the reason, it seems like we tend to like our humor to be a little less subtle and less controversial and uncomfortable. While this by itself isn’t a major issue, I do think this need to be winked at and have stuff spelled out ruins our bullshit detectors as well; leaving us unable to sniff out what’s real and who we need to believe.

I won’t say that believing R. Kelly’s not a pedophile and believing that “The Maintenance Men” were a real group are definitely related, but believing R. Kelly’s not a pedophile and believing that “The Maintenance Men” were a real group are definitely related.

3. Tyler Perry is black America’s Rorschach test

While I’ll continue to chide those who actually read the original entry and still thought it to be true, I can’t really fault a person for seeing a “Tyler Perry is remaking Love Jones” tweet or link and forwarding it before investigating. The level of feeling (positive and/or negative) Perry produces in many black people is indisputably palpable, and it’s understandable that the mere mention he’d remake a movie so near and dear to so many would have people seeing red.

I’ve written before about our angst-ridden discussions about Tyler Perry, so there’s no need to have another one now. But, is there another entertainer who could not only could produce a firestorm by just the thought of their name being attached to a classic, but also have people think he’s crazy/ambitious/unscrupulous/tone deaf/powerful enough to actually do it?²

(My answer? R. Kelly. I might be wrong, but I think if I wrote about the R-uh remaking Marvin Gaye’s  “What’s Going On,” the rumor would have spread just as quickly)

4. We really seem to love us some “Love Jones”

I have to admit, the amount of people so adamant about protecting this movie from Perry’s claws surprised me.³ While I know I was 14 years late in seeing it, I thought I had an accurate grasp on how much resonance it still held with people who have. I was wrong.

We will kill for “Love Jones.” Now, we just need to find a way to kill for “reading comprehension” and “fact-checking” so another Love Jones-like movie can be made.

¹I have to admit that although I wasn’t attempting to start a rumor, once I realized some people actually believed this screenplay to be true, we (Liz, Panama, and I) did everything we could to fan the flames. I think I even signed that damn petition.

²As Panama joked to me last week, the whole “Tyler Perry remaking an iconic black classic” thing isn’t completely out of the realm of possibility. Wouldn’t that be something if he heard the rumor and then thought to himself “Sh*t. Why not? I can do this” and actually did it? If that did actually happen — and my blog was the impetus behind it — would Australia or Antarctica be the best place for me to hide from the millions of bespectacled blacks who’d want to kill me?

³I was also surprised that so many people were surprised I hadn’t seen it until now. I mean, Love Jones made 12 million at the theater. It’s not like the entire country went to go see it, and it’s not like it’s exactly easy to find it on HBO or even TNT. Y’all n*ggas need to get a grip.

—The Champ

A Sneak-Peek Into “Tyler Perry’s Love Jones”

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During my conversation with Ted Witcher last week, he mentioned that a producer was interested in doing a remake of Love Jones, and he actually was in the process of negotiating the terms. He didn’t tell me exactly who, though, but a bit of investigative journalism on my part learned that it was actually Tyler Perry. Yup, you read that correctly: Tyler Perry is doing a remake of Love Jones.

A bit more investigating allowed me to get my hands on a draft of the screenplay. To Perry’s credit, he did attempt to stay true to the original version. The plot largely remains the same, and, although R-rated movies aren’t really Perry’s thing, the movie contains just as much adult dialogue and content as the original. But, as you probably imagined, the remake definitely has his fingerprints on it, and Perry struggles with the nuances present in the original movie’s sexual content.

Due to copyright laws, I can only post one scene, but it should give you a pretty good indication of the entire product.

Opening Scene:

Setting: “The Mortuary” — a popular hair salon/male strip club in Atlanta, Georgia.

As Walter Hawkins’ version of “Goin’ Up Yonder” plays in the backdrop, the camera pans over the highly engaged and eclectic crowd. Peach Snapple, an blaxican male stripper who vaguely resembles a much happier Scottie Pippen, dances on stage while the women sitting in the salon chairs — many of whom still have curlers in their hair — sway to the rhythmic claps of Peach Snapple’s muscular man booty.

The camera then settles on a table of four men — superstar stripper/aspiring choreographer “Rank “The Wrangler” Whittaker” (played by Chris Brown in a dreadlocks wig), astronaut “J.R. Chapman” (Micheal Jai White), professional baseball player “Vaseline Williams”  (Baltimore Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis, in his first major motion picture role), and strip club DJ and MC “Plier Terry” (Tyler Perry) — and 0ne woman — Mortuary owner “Julie Watson” (Raven Simone, in a role that’s sure to get Oscar buzz).

As the friends sip lattes, smoke weed, and have a conversation that no person on Earth has ever had, Rank gets up and walks to the bar, seemingly deep in thought. Megachurch choir director/aspiring orchestra conductor “Iesha Canty” (Rihanna. Yes, that Rihanna.) is already at the bar, and notices the pensive Rank.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Just…thinking about some ass.”

“That must have been some very special ass.”

“Yeah. It was.”

While this is going on, the camera pans back to the table, and we watch them watching Rank and Iesha.

“I know she aint gonna fall for that sh*tty stripper game” says Vaseline, who’s obviously the “player” in the crew.

Piler, who we sense is the ultra-masculine voice of reason in this circle, replies “Whatever, man. You need to forget about that stuff with your uncle and get back to church. It’s time that you forgave that man for what he did to you. 17 years of not seeing any women will do that to any brother. Anyway, excuse me while I help my boy do his thing”

Piler gets up, and walks to the stage.

“Ladies, gentleman, and ladies with gentleman parts, you’re in for a treat. Welcome to the stage, my boy, Atlanta’s own, The Wrangler!!!”

As Rank swaggers on stage — dressed exactly how you’d imagine a male stripper named “Wrangler” to be dressed — the camera pans on Iesha, whose surprised expression lets the audience know that she definitely didn’t know that Rank was the featured stripper. Sitting next to Iesha is her homegirl, Vicky Ortiz (Loretta Devine, in a very peculiar casting choice).

Before Rank starts dancing, he grabs the microphone and says “This next song and dance is dedicated to a very, very special lady.”

Rank puts the microphone down, goes to the middle of the stage, and puts his head down as the lights dim and the anticipation builds. The music starts, and Rank shifts into full “Wrangler” mode; popping and doing other things that male strippers probably do in strip clubs and maximum security prison cafeterias.

The camera pans on Iesha, as she recognizes this song as familiar, but can’t quite place the name of it. Then, it hits her.

It’s “Iesha” by Another Bad Creation — proof that Rank has dedicated this dance to her.

This realization hits Iesha like a bag of bricks. Equal parts flattered, embarrassed, and aroused, Iesha watches mouth agape as Rank repeatedly thrusts his manhood in her direction, producing shrieks and screams from both the crowd and the hair-dressers.

Later that evening, while Rank and his friends are hanging out outside of the club, Iesha and Vicky approach them.

“That was some stunt you pulled.” Iesha flirts to Rank.

“Seemed to get your attention” Rank replies.

“You seem to know a lot about sex and arousing me with your manparts. There’s more to life than that.” Iesha says, as she draws closer to Rank.

“What’s that?” an obviously horny Rank retorts.

Iesha pulls out a pen, and writes her response on Rank’s still sweaty chest.

When finished, she tells the crew good night, and as her and Vicky walk away, the camera pans onto Rank’s chest so we can see what Iesha just wrote.

“Jesus”

End scene.

—The Champ

I Love It: Movies I’m Surprised White People Have Seen

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All of movies combined grossed A MILLI A MILLI A MILLI. Cheers b*tches!

You ever have a conversation with somebody of another race and you find out that they’re intimately familiar with the ways, customs, and downside of your own? That happened to me one day. I was talking to somebody I work with and he freely mentioned that he’s ridden The Soul Train of Washington, DC’s Metrorail system aka The Green Line.

And yes, it means exactly what you think it means. I starts and ends in ye locale of color and runs through the heart of DC’s Black communities in NW and SE DC. It threw me for a loop as I realized dude was one of those chaps who might actually have seen a movie like Hot Boyz which starred (and I use that term loosely) Gary Busey – must have had a mortgage issue that month- and Silkk The Shocker. I came to find out that he only dates Black women and liked to use slang whenever possible. Nice enough chap, but he caught me off guard and I do not like surprises.

I like big butts. I cannot lie. But surprises? Not so much. It’s why I don’t mess with 3D television. It’s like things kept jumping out at me. I wasn’t ready.

What does that have to do with the price of square tacos in El Paso? Nothing.

But my former coworker is the type to watch movies that I’d be surprised if most white people had seen. It’s not because the movies are bad either. It’s just because, well, why on Earth would they be watching some of these movies. We can rarely relate to them so I can only imagine a bunch of elderly white people in a nursing home trying to differentiate between all of the Lil’ running around in any movie produced by a record company. But I’m not even mostly surprised by those movies since let’s be real, most of us don’t watch them either. Here are movies I’m talking about….and alas, some white folks have seen them.

1. Love & Basketball/Brown Sugar/Any movie with Taye Diggs

While I appreciate these movies, I also rap, play basketball and have a bald head. So I can relate. When I find out that a white person has actually seen Love & Basketball, it’s like I want to get to understand who they are and why. And I’m not talking the Michael Rapaport, N’Bushe Wright banging white folks, I’m talking Kevin James style. Taye Diggs knows how to pick movies that resonate with Black America and pretty much stop there. Which isn’t a problem mind you,  I live in Black America so I get my resonation on. Hate it or love, Taye Diggs is a significant part of the Black movie going experience. I’m not sure what to do with that information so I’ll just smack it up, flip it, and rub it down.

2. Thuggin’ It And Lovin’ It (Part 1 or 2)

I’m almost afraid to even mention this. And do you know why? I’ll tell you why. Have you ever seen a movie so horrendous that you were ashamed of your race? I’m afraid that because I mention this, some white person outside of Louisiana will see this and then be able to justifiably judge all Black people. I watched it with my homeboy and we just sat silent after it was over and read a calculus book. To summarize: Troy Da Triggaman has money and nothing better to do so he allows ninjas from Baton Rouge to promote themselves with various weapons, drug paraphanalia, while repping their part of town and basically just talking about all the crimes they participate in. While holding firearms. Or booty. Yes, holding booty. Boi boi boi boi boi. There are also music videos for songs like “Thuggin’ It And Lovin’ It” which is about, you guessed it thuggin’ it and lovin’ it, “16teen” which according to the author really says “sixteen” not “sixteenteen” as it’s written. Either way, sixteen is when he married his block (ninja), but seventeen was the first time he shot a ninja. Poetry. Let’s just say, I feel confident in saying that Baton Rouge, Louisiana just might be the most ignorant city on the planet.

3. Spike Lee films that don’t star Denzel

Denzel is a box office draw so that kind of goes without saying, but when a white person tells me they’ve seen School Daze, I’m thunderstruck. Or She’s Got To Have It. Or the box office suicide flick, She Hate Me. Spike’s a little too complex at time for even me and I know its Black History Month. Though interestingly enough, I went to go see Bamboozled at the movies and the theater was extremely diverse. I’ll never understand that. And I actually think outside of Malcolm X, Bamboozled is Spike’s best movie.

4. Tyler Perry movies that star Madea

A long time ago, my boss came in raving to the admin in my office about a movie she had just seen that she absolutely loved. That movie? Diary of A Mad Black Woman. My boss? Old White Woman. Like Fried Green Tomatoes old. I didn’t know what to do with that information so I just crawled under my desk and sucked on my thumb in the fetal position for a few hours (I used sick leave). I wasn’t sure if it would help or hurt race relations but Obama was elected so maybe Tyler Perry isn’t the antichrist after all.

5. Paid In Full

This is a true story. In grad school, one of my professors told me he’d watched Paid In Full and was fascinated by the storyline and the depth of conflict in the hood. Just fascinated. He told me because…I was the Black student. The end.

Um, what about you?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka WHAT’S THAT SH*T THAT THEY BE SMOKIN’ – TICAL aka PERSEUS JACKSON aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Yup, Another Angst-Ridden Discussion About Tyler Perry

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Like most other “Americans with pronounced but peripheral connections to the African continent-Americans” (just plain ole “African-American” just isn’t descriptive enough for me anymore) with a Borders Rewards card and dust-ridden Obama t-shirt, my life seems to be filled with three certain inevitiabilities: Death, Taxes, and Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry. And, while certain people have proven that you can actually live without paying taxes and certain scientific advances have made it so that immortality isn’t such a far-fetched concept anymore, Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry have proven to be unavoidable to the point of comedy.

From The Huffington Post and weekly 40 cent hot wing night with the crew to Facebook and my favorite porn message board, I can’t go anywhere anymore without running into Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry. It’s ubiquitous, ecumenical, pandemic, panoramic, and every another PSAT word that’s just a pretentiously educated way of saying “everywhere”. Yesterday, just when I thought I had foiled Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry and finally managed to escape it, I tripped over Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry on the way to the bathroom. After I got out of the shower, I went into my kitchen and saw Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry drinking my orange juice straight from the carton. And, right when I was about to drive to the store to buy some more juice, I noticed that Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry had not only taken the $20 in my wallet, but had the nerve to leave an “I.O.U.” note. (Triflin bastard!)

It feels like I’m at Camp Crystal Lake and Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry is Jason Voorhees lurking around the campsite with a machete. There’s no cabin I can hide in, no bed I can hide underneath, no voluptuous teenage camp counselor I can hide, um, a part of me inside of without Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry finding and disemboweling me. If Earth’s civilization was wiped out by nuclear war tomorrow, by Friday the roaches probably will have already organized a roundtable to discuss whether “Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns” was just a modern-day minstrel show or a subconscious and subliminal indictment of pre-holocaust urban cockroach culture.

At this point, the only question worth asking is “Why?”. Why do we devote so much of our time and energy to Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry, and why have we given Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry such prominence? Shit, on Friday, why did I spend at least 45 minutes of valuable talk time in a 60 minute car ride with my parents and my girlfriend discussing a movie—For Colored Girls, Perry’s film adaptation of Ntozake Shange’s “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf“—none of us had seen or even plan on seeing, especially since there are much more pressing and “important” issues when could have talked about?

The answer is simple. Tyler Perry, wait, the discussion of all things Tyler Perry unites us in our relentless need to distinguish ourselves from each other, to, to quote my Aunt Jackie, “tell on ourselves”. The ubiquitousness (there’s that word again) of Perry and Perry’s art and the myriad visceral feelings the mere thought of it induces has made Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry a personality profile, a multi-layered Myers-Briggs for colored people who were a bit too vain to ever seriously consider suicide but instead chose to use Angst-Ridden Discussions about Tyler Perry as a means to let everyone know exactly who they are.

“I’m the smartest person in the room” movie snobs (like my parents and I) discuss the utter unwatchability of all things Tyler Perry while ignoring the blatant irony in discussing the unwatchability of something you’ve obviously watched. “I’m the realist, most down to earth person you’d ever meet” Non-snob moviegoers discuss the fact that each of his movies are entertaining in their own way, something you can’t say about most cinema (but something you could also say about most crackheads). Anti-Tyler Perry Pro-Blacks (read: liberals) discuss how he’s appealing to the lowest common denominator and wasting his considerable influence and opportunity, while Pro-Tyler Perry Pro-Blacks (read: moderates and conservatives) discuss how he’s employing hundreds of black people while touching on issues unique to our community and providing (somewhat) wholesome family entertainment.

Conspiracy theorists discuss how Tyler Perry has been thrust to the forefront of black culture by the powers-that-be, ensuring the ongoing demasculinization of black males. Comedians discuss Tyler Perry because he’s an easy comedy buffet. (Seriously. If you fashion yourself to be a funny person and you can’t come up with at least one “laugh aloud” worthy comment or joke somehow related to Tyler Perry, it might be time to take up another hobby. Try crocheting) The “Real Issues Fun Police”—people whose sole goal in life seems to be to try to make people feel bad for discussing For Colored Girls when there’s widespread cholera in Haiti—discuss how our obsession with Tyler Perry is a damning indictment on American culture. Bloggers and other arbiters of pop culture discuss Tyler Perry, because, well, everyone else is doing it, and their, well, our identity is partially defined by staying relevant.

I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on Angst-Ridden Discussions About Tyler Perry. Its heart seems to be in the right place, and I can’t be too mad at something that manages to bring us and our collective need to be heard all together. But, I think I speak for most when I say that Angst-Ridden Discussions About Tyler Perry is beginning to wear out its welcome, and, until it makes good on that orange juice I.O.U., Angst-Ridden Discussions About Tyler Perry needs to stay the hell out of my kitchen.

—The Champ