Dolphins, Tupac, Amanda Knox, And Long Walks In The Park: It Was An Odd Day

It's been one of those kind of days.

Some days just provide too much information and you have no idea where to turn. It’s like upside is down and inside is out. It’s like rain on your wedding day. The only thing I could think to do was to mention all of it because I didn’t know which way to go. I’m an ordinary people.

Let’s do this all good, bad, and ugly style. And let’s just start with the good. A young white girl who has been in jail for 4 years was found innocent and freed. Look, I don’t know if she did it or not, but gotdamn justice looks a whole lot different today than it did a few weeks back doesn’t it? Granted, this happened in Italy but it’s nearly impossible to not draw parallels between the verdicts in this case and the Troy Davis case. Doubt is a motherf*cker ain’t it? Maybe we could stand to learn a thing or two from Italians. Definitely not fiscally, but perhaps judiciously. Except maybe not. Hell, a completely flawed justice system is what locked her up in the first place.

In fact, the only good that came out of this is that SOMEBODY got out of jail. Other than that, this is all bad. Congrats Amanda Knox.

Speaking of odd..

…I know we weren’t speaking about anything odd, it’s been that kind of day, and yes I abandoned the good, bad, and ugly thing…

…if you aren’t convinced that Tupac is alive now, there’s no convincing you. Somehow, this dead motherf*cker HAD A SEX TAPE SURFACE 20 years after the fact. RIGHT during the time when sex tapes are how folks stay relevant. This reminds me of the scenes in The Other Guys where the captain keeps incorporating TLC references and pretends like he’s not doing it and all Will Farrell could say was, “come on…you don’t KNOW that’s a TLC song??” That’s how I feel. Come on Pac…now you’re just f*cking with people. But seriously…how in blue blazes does a Tupac sex tape manage to stay hidden for 20 years? Like who was sitting on that tape (which according to TMZ is really just him getting topped off in the most ignant way possible)?

Hmm…I could stick around and get along with you. Hello.

I suppose this is as good a time to mention this as anywhere but all rappers need to stay away from Puffy. He’s a charge waiting to happen. It’s been mentioned on twitter and various sites the altercation Puff got into at Compound in Atlanta because somebody was seen drinking Grey Goose. I’m sure a fight at a place T.I. is at wouldn’t bet he business. He just needs to keep his dumb arse at home for a while and far away from Puffy. Let’s do a quick recap of Puffy’s casualties of…hell, life:

Biggie – Shyne – Black Rob – G.Dep – Dream – 112…etc. Hell, he almost got J.Lo killed. Not to mention his own bodyguard got murdered behind some BMF beef. Just saying…while you’re on probation, Puff is probably not the chap to spend your nights with. Maybe he should hang with Tony Dungy or something.

Aha…here’s how real it is in these streets. Some chap was just walking along the road on his lunch break in Baltimore at the Social Security Administration and got motherf*cking capped. At 1145am. On a Monday. I know it’s Baltimore and all but damn.

Then we got the coup de grace. While this story is old(er), I just found out about it today. A man, Malcolm Brenner,  smanged a dolphin in the 70s…and then wrote a book about it stating that the dolphin initiated the encounters. And the dolphin? Died from internal injuries. Or a broken heart. Do you know what kind of sick f*ck you have to be to smang a dolphin and claim the dolphin started it? And why come this fool never served any jail time? HE’S BONING DOLPHINS!!!!! It’s illegal to eat dolphins!!!!! But he could bone? And then write  a book about it.

DF: Now in your book, you talk about how that led on to you two having sex. A lot of people would say that’s wrong, what’s right in your mind about what you did?

MB: What was right with it is that the dolphin initiated the whole sexual thing. As I mentioned, she was in isolation – she’d be using me to satisfy her sexual needs.

Today, well yesterday, was just one of those days where every single news item I read made me say WTF?? Too much information. If Tyler Perry had come out yesterday and said he was going to remake Malcolm X I wouldn’t have been surprised. What do you think was in the water? And hell what do you think about it all if anything? You got anything to add in WTF news?

And seriously…what in the f*ck would make a man smang a dolphin????

This is NOT what Ice Cube had in mind as a good day.


Yo…Men Can Be Real Dumb Sometimes, Yo

Baby, I can still drive it. It's just ice. Not lava.

Today, I’m throwing the ladies a bone. Big Pun.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pride is the leading cause of death for Black men between the ages of birth and death. I’m not sure why we, Black men, have so much pride or why we let it override the good common sense that the good Lord bestowed upon us, but oh does it. So, oh, let’s do it. Leggo.

As somebody who knows many women, I get to hear numerous comments about how ridiculous men can be. And generally, I rebut said claims with proof that women are in fact, insane. Certifiable actually, for the lot of you dames out there. But the truth is, men can be real dumb sometimes, yo. Which is where pride comes into the picture. See, i think it’s manly pride that causes us to make many of the errant decisions that we make. Well, that our pursuit of the poonanny. Though maybe poonanny isn’t the right term since Tupac tried to smell Janet’s and all she did was breathe in his face and then fix his daughter’s hair. And yo, Pac, if you listening, you should have gotten a paternity test on that child because she didn’t look nothing like you, pimpin. Just saying.

But you dead now.

Back to the lecture at hand.

Men. Stupidity. As Ice Cube so eloquently put it, “Doin’ Dumb Sh*t”. I think men just don’t like being told that what we’re doing is wrong or doesn’t make sense. It’s the main reason why we don’t like asking for directions. It’s not that we don’t know that we’re lost. We just don’t like you pointing it out and telling us what we could have done to not be lost in the first place. Especially since we already know. Hell, there’s an app for that. We know, damn. In fact, if you all would just let up a bit on telling us how wrong we are we wouldn’t HAVE to drive you down that dark County Rd 341 highway that we claim is a shortcut.

Duly note that.

Anyway, as a service, here are a few ways that men can be real dumb sometimes, yo.

1. Refuse to ask for help when we clearly need it…even if its offered and we clearly need it.

It snowed, sleeted, skeeted, and thundered here in DC. Not a whole heap – we’re talking about 4 or 5 inches (midget pr0n) of snow in the city – but enough to f*ck up rush hour and enough to cause the streets to be extremely dangerous and slushy, etc. Well, I went outside to take some pictures of th snow because I’m a documentarian. I document sh*t. Well, I see one of my wayward ninja neighbors struggling to move his stuck car out of the snowy pit he’d managed to find himself in. He’s trying to push his car up a slight embankment while his girl is in the driver’s seat. I walk over and offer my help and he’s like, “naw, I got it”. Waves me off. Cool. It’s cold and my jheri curl is drying up anyway. His girl opens the car door and is like, “NO WE NEED HELP”. But dude proceeds to wave me off again. I hear them start arguing to which he yells, “what the f*ck was he gonna be able to do?” How about help you get out of the snow. But ninja rules of conduct require me to heed dudes words. That’s mad dumb. He’s trying to push a car. In snow. Up a hill. By himself. And help was offered. He said no. He is man. Hear him roar. And yes I went and checked on them every fifteen minutes to see them continue to struggle until I got bored.

2. Talk ourselves into a fight we didn’t want in the first place

Men like to talk sh*t. And other men understand this. See, most of us never want to fight and two arguing parties bank on this fact. But every now and then, one overly talkative dude will find himself mouthing off with a cat who doesn’t read books about what professional ninjas are supposed to do when upset. So then mouthy dude ends up talking himself into having to fight with some dude with nothing to lose in life because his pride won’t allow him to realize he might die. All we can do is pray for a snowstorm or police intervention so we can continue to mouth off about what we would have done. Men are real dumb, yo.

3. Argue with women

Contentious I know. But true. Arguing with a woman is a no win proposition. Somehow, no matter what we say or do, the fact is we shouldn’t have done or said something during the course of the argument. Arguing with a chick can you to be in trouble for so many different things. Your tone. What you said about her complaint about your tone. She could be wrong in the first place but the way you responded to her being wrong places you in the wrong. The only true way to end a fight with a woman is to throw a shoe at her. And I’m not even sure that will work but I’ll bet it’s more productive. How? I don’t know.

I’m a man. And I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Unless it’s a woman. And then I lose.

Le sigh.

So people of VSB, what are other ways that men can be real dumb sometimes, yo? Ladies, have at it. Let us know.


Career Moves 101

HereLiesBuried“…dead rappers get better promotion…” ~ Jadakiss, “We Gonna Make It”

It’s been a little over a month since Michael Jackson died.


Since he died there have been beaucoup stories about the life he lived and where he went wrong.  And despite my uber-bias towards MJdom, I can admit that his career essentially peaked almost 30 years ago.  And still, MJ’s going to go down as the greatest entertainer ever – but with detractors.  But imagine if he had died say…after the Bad album.

Or hell, even Dangerous. Continue reading