“i hate her. whenever i see her i just want to punch her in her stupid face and kick her in her stupid arms.”

—a friend of the champ’s, beginning an unprompted (and by “unprompted” i mean we were literally discussing lettuce a mere 5 seconds before) three minute stream of consciousness diatribe denouncing the “evil beyonce represents” while in line at au bon pain two months ago.

the intense white hatred many women have towards beyonce has always been quite amusing to me. seen as a technicolor, yaki-rockin, imbecilic, antichrist texan puppeteer, the venom and vitriol the presence of bey produces knows no limits and has no bounds…and we love it.

we know that the typical man doesn’t understand the level of animus many women hold towards the thundergoat. for the vast majority of us, beyonce is nothing but a wildly popular singer/entertainer who happens to be married to the best greatest rapper of all-time

***btw, this statement is coming from someone who was such a nas and wu stan during the late 90′s that a fourth of his wardrode consisted of fatigues and wu-wear. point being: if i can finally admit that jigga’s the best ever, you can too. please don’t argue it anymore. you’re wasting our time***

sure, she seems a little boring and a bit vapid, but the typical man already feels that most women are a little boring and a bit vapid anyway, so its really no big deal. its expected and sh*t

these two factors regale us so because, combined, they represent the reason why we appreciate beyonce so. she’s our proof, our evidence, our validation, our most concrete confirmation…

…that women are nuts

you see, the hatred many women feel for beyonce is an actual literal manifestation of the eons-long battle between the idea of “chick logic” and “actually being right“…a perfect metaphor for every guy who’s ever been so frustrated with a woman that he was tempted to shoot a bucket of baby pandas eating bite-sized baby panda snacks.

admittedly, there are myriad reasons (from dislike of her music to general indifference) to not give two sh*ts about bey, but its seems as if the typical beyhater goes past that to the point that they’re more unnerved by the idea of beyonce than the thundergoat herself, and this makes our (read: “men’s”) hearts sing and sh*t.

when we witness many women, in their blind and unsubstantiated fury, using everything from nepotism and birth certificates to talentlessness and america’s infatuation with light-skinned points to discount bey’s success, (conveniently forgetting the fact that each of these “facts” can be laughably refuted, and how eerily similar their claims sound to the ones usually levied against obama) we sigh and nod silently while fist-pumping to ourselves.

sometimes the logic matrix of a woman runs so deep that you begin to question the reality you know is true, but hearing a woman rail about b brings us back to earth, and reminds us that luvvie water is still wet, tony romo is still autistic, and many women are still nucking futs

so, from the vsb’s and every other man inhabiting the planet, thank you beyonce. we love and appreciate you. keep doing what you do. our sanity depends on it

—the champ