The VSB Files — Episode 004: It’s The Return

Join the Very Smart Brothas (and Liz) as they return from the hiatus of a lifetime and dive headfirst into the nonsense that is the current Elin-Tiger Woods debacle and answer a bunch of the formspring questions that The Champ has let pile up. Are you ready? Tevin Campbell asked but nobody ever answered. It’s time to answer, people.

We’re back, b*tches

Back for the first time and here to stay. (You know, assuming everything goes smoothly, which it most certainly never does.)
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10 Biggest Stories of the Decade In The Black Community.

It’s been one hell of a decade, hasn’t it?  There’s been all kinds of random happenings. And since the Black community is usually prone to being apart of some of the f*ckery that happens over the course of history (OJ, anyone?), I figured that we, here at VSB, might as well get to getting like everybody else and coming up with some kind of list about this past decade. And what better topic of discussion than some of the biggest stories of the decade in the Black community.

Some will be obvious. Some will be curious.

But Panama Jackson will be sexxy. The decade has taught us so.

Allons-y.

10. Tiger Woods becomes a Black man

While Tiger might be the biggest sports story (and possibly one of the biggest general stories of the decade) in the Black community, ole Eldrick’s Black card has been pulled a long time ago.  In fact, the last time I think he referred to himself as Black, the Wu-Tang Clan started an investment firm and I’m sure Mos Def was prominently involved. Either way, Tiger learned what happens when you go poking blondes all willy nilly…you lose sponsorhip deals. But hey, Kobe got his back (and called himself the Black Mamba) so the future looks bright for Tiger, though I suggest he begin calling himself Tigga. That way he can start rapping with Jay as Jigga and Dat Ni**a Tigga. There’s lots of potential here.

9. The rebirth of Ike

Apparently Chris Brown’s PR people forgot to tell him that you can’t hit girls past age 7. Well, in February 2009, young Breezy put a hurtin’ on Rihanna and became the story heard ’round the world. Domestic violence is nothing to joke with, so I won’t joke about it. However, keeping Chris Brown, the MJ-heir apparent, from performing at an MJ tribute during the BET awards just seemed egregious.

8. Man’s favorite pasttime gets the “Super” treatment

An odd choice, no doubt. But when you realize how many celebrities bucked the f*ck up once Karrinne Steffans became a household name in 2005, it becomes obvious that very few other people were as significant this decade. Hell, last time this many celebrities read a book, a guy named McCarthy was running amok. And then her subsequent book? That book put every male celebrity on full blast AND inspired an entire nation of video hoes vixens to learn how to read so that they could write their own terrible “memoirs.” Take that Reading Rainbow.

7. Beyonce pisses off lots of women

She went from being the lead singer of a too-young jailbait group out of Houston in 1997 to the most famous pop-star in the world in 2009. That’s no easy feat, especially considering she spent the entire decade being pelted with haterade by women near and far even though every hater has her albums and loves “Single Ladies”. Her accomplishments this decade are nearly unparalleled.

6. “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT???”

Beyonce would be unparalleled, except Kanye West entered the scene circa 2003 with his recently dubbed album of the decade with The College Dropout, and then managed to make himself into the most important figure in Black music today. You read that right and I did not stutter. Hate him or love him, Kanye will always be around because he cares about the music. He’s pretty much the Stevie Wonder of our generation. Plus the whole skinny jeans things has really taken off.

5. Author JL King ruins boys night out

In 2004, author JL King adorned Oprah’s couch and f*cked up dating ever since. He inadvertently convinced women around the nation, especially Black women, that every man was potentially trying to f*ck his homeboys. Almost overnight, the term DL became apart of the Black lexicon.

4. Rosa Parks finally stops suing Outkast passes

One of the icons of the Civil Rights movements, Rosa Parks passed away in 2005. She was one of the few non-Presidents laid-in-state in the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. She was so important to the fabric of this nation that every major media outlet showed coverage of her funeral and procession…except BET who thought their audience would be better served by showing videos since folks could catch the funeral on CNN or some sh*t (btw, I can’t find a single article about this now, back in 2005, BET had a press release explaining why they didn’t show the funeral).

3. Botched engineering and a Hurricane with a Black name give Spike Lee inspiration

Hurricane Katrina needs no explanation.  August 2005 is when most of us realized just how little many Black lives are. On the bright side, Spike directed one helluva documentary though.

2. Michael Jackson goes to Neverland

I’m really only putting this at 2 to show deference to the historical context of the obvious number 1, but really, globally, more people were touched by MJ’s death than Obama’s presidency. Hell, I still miss Michael Jackson.

1. Barack Obama ruins “the excuse”

Well, duh.

Did I miss any??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Cage That Tiger, Tiger.

tiger-woods.400x450If you’re anything like me, you’re amazed that this Tiger Woods story still has legs. I figured it it would be over and done with before we hit December but nope. Apparently Tiger has more hoez than Vegas.

As of today, there are AT LEAST 10 women who’ve come forward as Tiger’s concubines.  We’ve got cocktail waitresses, Hooters girls, a porn star.

Not to mention he was running raw in at least two of them AND sending nasty text messages. Tiger is a perv.

Quite honeslty, I didn’t think he had it in him. I’ve often views Tiger as that uber-goofy doofball who you’d point and laugh at who managed to make a billion dollars just so he could swallow his opponents and all that stuff.  Now I think a lot of news sources and blogs are erroneously taking a race angle with the media coverage of his myriad cockups. I mean, its Tiger Woods and short of Afghanistan and health care reform (two constant and never-ending problems) news is really slow lately. Plus, most folks are probably like me and can’t believe that Tiger is a ho.

So I don’t think race is a factor in the coverage. However, far be it from me to think about the racial angle in this whole thing.

NOT ONE BLACK CHICK, TIGER????

I know that’s an odd angle to take with this, but really, it lends me to believe that he really doesn’t f*ck with Black people at all. Odd considering how Black people take every opportunity to claim him as a Black dude even if he doesn’t know it. See, what we do know is that Tiger loves him some new p*ssy. He loves it so much that he clearly can’t say no.  Hell, in my office pool, I’ve got him with at least 5 more chicks who haven’t come forward. I almost think that his wife knows this but her whole thing was keeping it on the low. Don’t let it go public or I’m out and you’re gonna owe me LOOOOOOOOOONG dough.

And so it was.

No wonder Buick dropped him. They probably couldn’t afford to keep paying Tiger’s pals.

But back to the Black thing. I have this odd theory that if you don’t appreciate Black women, you just cannot appreciate Black people. I know it’s weird, but even my own mother is white and she raised me, largely by herself, for the first six years of my life in some of the whitest parts of the country. Yet today, you can’t tell me Black women aren’t the most beautiful, wonderful beings on the planet.

I understand people have preferences and its likely that Black women aren’t even paying attention to Tiger (that wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve yet to meet a Black  woman who ever thought Tiger was hot), but still, it seems odd to me that with all the thick thighs and banging Serena style bodies running the globe, he’d always choose a white woman.  That just seems odd to me since if you’re gong to cheat you MIGHT AS WELL cheat on something thats gonna provide a fantasy or something at some point.  He basically kept banging his wife with wigs on.

I know Oprah was at his wedding, hell that might be the only Black woman he even deals with. But who would hit that?

I suppose what I find most interesting harkens back to this problem we have in the Black community of supporting our own even thru foolishness (see Kelly, Robert Sylvester or Simpson, Orenthal James). We find a way to support people thru some of the most ridiculous of circumstances even if we know they did wrong because they belong to us.  Perhaps its one of those situations where nobody will beat our kids but us.  But what the hell do you do when you’ve supported somebody for so long who’s made it clear that they really don’t want no parts of you?

While I think that Tiger just likes white p*ssy, I think that it goes deeper than that.  Perhaps its because his daddy is Black and he didn’t have a Grandma Nana to show him positive Black women.  I don’t know.

I’ll throw it to you all, do you think there’s a deeper issue that’s materializing with all the women that are showing up? Does Tiger really just prefer white women?

Does Tiger really think that he ain’t Black which is why all his womens aren’t either??

Did you even think Tiger had it in him??

Rumble.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

BTW, I’m fully aware that its a good thing that no Black women got caught up in this non-sense (thus far), but I still think its odd.  Everybody knows that if you start plucking everything in sight you start to experiment with different flavors. Except Tiger, he’s all white wine.

six things i’ve thought about tiger woods, elin nordegren, and golfgate

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1. a nurse at a hospital for albino roaches. the guy who rocks the michelin man costume outside of the jiffy lube on penn avenue every monday afternoon. the head dishwasher at tuesday’s state dinner. the person from alcoa in charge of nicky minaj’s ass-upkeep.

these are just a few of the things i’d rather be than a global celebrity. while the perks of fame and fortune are definitely attractive, i can’t fathom gaining them at the expense of losing the ability to keep even a modicum of privacy. while none of us know exactly what went on in tiger’s driveway thursday night, we can all bet on the fact this story will be perpetually regurgitated and recycled at least until 2010.

i even felt kind of bad for tiger for a minute last weekend, at least until i remembered that the number of square feet his home sits on is bigger than my yearly salary.

with that being said…

2. between shelly o’s ascension from national prominence to world icon, golfgate, and the steve mcnair incident, the whole “black men with money are better off with non-black women because they’re easier to deal with” argument has had a worse 2009 than kanye’s hair

3. apparently elin nordegren is a big jazmine sullivan fan. who knew?

4. i’m not a fan of calling people f*cking f*gs (no mcclurkin), but any grown-ass man pouting about the domestic battery double standard between the typical public reaction about golfgate and the chris brown case probably deserves that title.

yeah, yeah, yeah. i know hitting and scratching and busting blasian cats upside the head with titanium putters is wrong, regardless of gender. and, an episode of ‘law and order: special victims unit’ i caught on the usa network last year taught me that male spousal abuse is a very serious issue.

but, come on, man. you can’t compare an (approximately) 5’8′, 115 pound woman getting her ass kicked by a man who’s six inches and 60 pounds of muscle bigger with the world’s most dominant athlete getting chased out of his thirty-two million square foot crib at 2 in the morning by a swedish nanny, and you especially can’t use this as your basis for why “some b*tches need their asses kicked” (overheard in my barbershop saturday afternoon. admittedly though, while i don’t agree with the sentiment behind his statement, i do agree that some b*tches do need their asses kicked)

5. as of monday, november 30th, 2009, the list of black male celebrities who’d get the least amount of R.A.U.S.A.S (“relationship acrimony unconditional sympathy and support“) points with sistas reads as…

1. tiger woods. 2. michael jordan. 3. wesley snipes. 4. kobe bryant. 5 (tie). taye diggs, terrence howard, and that n*gga who played the father in ‘precious’

6.  as of monday, november 30th, 2009, i’ve officially filed “since i’m not a billionaire, i don’t think i’d have any chance of getting the benefit of the doubt if any random legal mess occurred” as reason #137 on the champ’s list of “137 really non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

—the champ