forget about the bar, the mcats, the gre, the act, sat, psat, pssa, pap smear, and breathalyzer, the v test is the most important test any relationship minded woman can possibly ever take. despite this scientific fact, an alarming number of young women consistently fail this examination, with scores sagging and lagging behind like thongs on assless snizzles

what is the v test, you ask? well, its actually quite simple:

if you didn’t have a vagina, if you woke up tommorrow morning and was somehow rendered completely vagina-less, would any guy still want to be cool with you?

maybe its the fault of socialization. maybe its biological, or maybe its just a cultural thing. who knows. all i do know is that 9 times out of 10, when a woman is unhideous and can still get no consistent sincere male attention, it has nothing to do with the lack of available male prospects or men being intimidated by them (ha!) and their degrees and everything to do with the fact that they’re just boring ass people. boring, boring, boring, boring. boring as the f*ck. boring ass people with nothing to offer in a romantic relationship other than an occasionally wet vajayjay, a professional resume, and nice shoes.

thing is, admittedly, this isn’t always their fault. many women have been trained to think of their vaginas as prized possessions (which i agree with) and that men must prove themselves worthy to get the opportunity to sign their names on the lease (a fact i also agree with).

when this mindset is taken to the extreme though, a little thing called “personality” tends to get neglected, creating a species of walking, talking, vagina zombies (ie: “hobbyless hoes”)…a monolithic mass of meandering and monotonus monsters, their dead eyes and vapidness literally boring unsuspecting people to death.

you know, this actually ties into the reasoning behind the fact that most men don’t believe in platonic friendship. it has nothing to do with our “uncontrollable penises” and everything to do with the fact that many men consider being cool with a vagina-less woman to be as pointless as tits on a bull.

“what possible reason do i have to be cool with her if i’m not f*cking or at least trying to f*ck?”.

before you charge me with being sexist, lemme remind you that many women also feel this way about themselves.  this feeling is perfectly embodied in the skepticism a typical gf possesses when finding out that their mate might have a female friend or two.

“if you’re not f*cking her or at least trying to f*ck, what possible reason do you have to be cool with her??? i mean, she’s a freakin woman for chrissakes!!! what likeable qualities could she possibly possess???”

(if you’re still a bit cynical about this pandemic of personal p*ssy pedestaling and personality neglect, do a little experiment tommorrow. ask five men to name the five funniest people they know personally, and then ask five women the exact same question, and report the results back in the comments. i know exactly how the results are going to turn out, but i want you all to do this anyway)

so, you ask, how does a woman pass the v test? easily actually.

be funny.

do things.

learn shit.

masturbate frequently.

***i’m including this because women who happily admit to never masturbating usually are also vagina zombies. basically, if you’re over 22 and still feel awkward about “popping the pepsi can“, then kill yourself, resuscitate yourself, and kill yourself again***

read vsb.com

listen to the champ

—the champ