Tag Archives: the wire

stan(d) up

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****before i begin today, i wanted to give an early birthday shout-out to our very special liz burr, the boobs behind the vsb.com operation, who will be turning an unspecified age saturday the 6th. happy b-day lizzard****

glasses

you know, sometimes lost in my relentless smart-aleckness and sarcasm is the fact that there are a few things i’ve mentally and emotionally deemed snark and cynic-proof.

along side the ubiquitous rants, raves, roasts, and deez is an occasionally enthusiastic and unconditional fan ready and willing to spread the gospel of his favorite things, and, as break from my usually scheduled satirical programming, i’ve decided to share a few of these with you.

enjoy and sh*t

the nba

maybe the nfl is more popular, and maybe college hoops manufactures more synthetic enthusiasm and unpaid labor in the eyes of casual sports fans, but nothing else combines artistry, skillfulness, uber-athleticism, and planned improvisation like basketball at its highest level. i know its not for everyone, but, then again, f*ck ya’ll analog n*ggas.

breakfast food

i need you. i'm a mess without you. i miss you so damn much. i miss being with you, i miss being near you. i miss your laugh. i miss your scent; i miss your musk. when this all gets sorted out, i think you and me should get an apartment together
i need you. i’m a mess without you. i miss you so damn much. i miss being with you, i miss being near you. i miss your laugh. i miss your scent; i miss your musk. when this all gets sorted out, i think you and me should get an apartment together

women rocking glasses with angular frames

fetish (f?t’?sh, f?’t?sh)

  1. something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire
  2. an abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.

yup. sounds about right

the rza

lets put it this way: when he calls himself “the world’s greatest mind, bob digital” i believe him

the wire

it probably wouldn’t be a stretch to call me a wire missionary. there is no limit, no boundary to my promotion of this show. at this point, i could wake up tomorrow morning and read that david simon is really nicolae carpathia, and i’d probably just shrug my shoulders and spend the next 17 minutes thinking of some obscure wire-related witticism to post as a facebook status message

chuck klosterman, bill simmons, malcolm gladwell, and bethlehem shoals

i’m so in awe of each of these writers that i’m literally afraid to attempt to articulate my stan-dom. i’d feel like ciara singing a solo tribute to mahalia jackson

the pittsburgh steelers

what? you think its an accident that i call myself “the champ”? bow down to the black and gold, b*tches, and kiss the rings…all six of them

people of vsb.com, i’m curious: who and what do you stan for?

—the champ

no!!!: the five worst on-screen deaths of all-time

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***before we get started today, i’d like to officially welcome my homie panama, aka the panamanian, aka the arsonist, aka jiggaboo p, aka drake deez, aka giovanni eraser to the 30 club. happy birthday and sh*t, man***

mufasa

***flashback to 2000***

the champ and several teammates are visiting an elementary school as part of their perfunctory bi-weekly “community give back“, a program enacted by his head coach requiring them to spend a certain amount of hours each month performing community service.

download real genius dvd although mandatory volunteerism is a bit of an oxymoron, they enjoyed doing this, as it gave them more of a sense of community, helped to instill the value of altruism, and first exposed them to the fact that women in social and/or community service occupations tend to be unadulterated freaks¹.

anyway, this particular morning happened to be movie day for the 4th graders and their uber-banging 25 year old teacher, ms. nelson, so the champ and four of his teammates sat in with the kids in their tiny-ass chairs and watched “the lion king”.

as you all know (unless you’re completely soulless, or from atlanta), “the lion king” is a great movie, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the entire classroom was quickly immersed in the film. it also shouldnt come as a surprise that mufusa’s death scene was particularly hard for the nine and ten year olds to watch, as muffled sniffles were heard around the room.

but, it would probably surprise you to learn that each of the adults in the room refused to make eye contact with each other, afraid that someone else would see how truly verklempt they each were. this includes the uber-banging ms. nelson and the champ, who you all know can be a bit of a pussy sensitive and sh*t

any death scene that can make a roomful of dimepieces, prepubescent project kids, and 6’6′ athletes in tiny chairs cry deserves the number one spot on the champ’s five worst on-screen deaths of all-time, and, without further ado, here’s the rest of the list.

****SPOILER ALERT!!! THIS ENTRY AND THE COMMENTS CONTAIN NUMEROUS SPOILERS FOR DOZENS OF MOVIES AND TELEVISION SHOWS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND SH*T****

2. preston “bodie” broadus, “the wire”

bodie

maybe stringer’s slaying carried more of a panoramic reverberation on the streets of baltimore and in the minds of and in-between the legs of hundreds of thousands of excessively thirsty female viewers. maybe wallace’s gut-wrenching murder pulled more at more heartstrings than lil kim’s face, and maybe omar’s unceremonious offing took the cake for sheer shock value and sentiment.

but, for a true wire fanatic, no ones death was as resonate as bodie’s, whose doggedness, cynicism, and world-weariness came to be a literal embodiment of the city of baltimore, and the show was never the same without him

3. adriana la cerva, “the sopranos”

adriana

last seen crawling through the woods in her filth mart jeans, begging her uncle not to shoot her, adriana’s last scene was a great reminder of how brutal the oft romanticized mob can really be and further cemented her status as the bangingest white chick on tv

4. gator purify, “jungle fever”

gator

eerily (and, probably intentionally) reminiscent of marvin gaye’s murder, seeing the death of the hopelessly strung out gator at the hands of his father, the good reverend doctor purify, made the young champ swear to himself to never, ever, ever sample crack and always carry chapstick

5. carolyn carmichael, “crooklyn”

alfre

lets put it this way: when a characters death makes you refuse to ever watch a movie again, it deserves placement on the list. i havent seen crooklyn in over 15 years, and its still filed in my mental rolodex as “mom dies. can’t watch“

i’m sure i’m missing a few. people of vsb.com, what are the most heart-wrenching on-screen deaths you’ve seen?

¹no bullsh*t. i have no idea why though, but i think guilt has something to do with it.

—the champ

you can do better: the most unrealistic black film couples ever

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floridaandjamesevans

after watching a mini-marathon on tvone the other day, i’ve come to realize that my complete underwhelmedness with “good times” has nothing to do with the (lack of) comedy, the ubiquitous corduroy pantsuits or even the perpetually dispiriting story lines and everything to do with two people: florida and james evans

you see, a show is only as good as its main characters, and its hard to believe in a show that bases itself on its “realness” when the relationship between the heads of the household is as believable as drew peterson

i mean, forget about the fact that they were as compatible as bathtub water and live toasters. also, lets overlook the fact that florida evans was more asexual than a box of brillo pads, making the thought of her having enough sex to have three children more unrealistic than shay_d_lady’s life.

no, lets instead focus on the fact that john amos was 35 years old when the series began...and esther rolle was 53!!!! fifty f*cking three???

considering that 18 years in cabrini-green could conceivably be two generations, james was getting that good backroom gotdamn from someone who could have been his f*cking grandmother. no wonder he couldn’t keep a job for longer than eight days. epson seasoned project coochie on the reg does that to you

anyway, thinking about this unadulterated romantic mismatch made me think of a few other extremely unrealistic couples i’ve seen on screen.

andre romulus ellis and reese marie wiggam ellis, “brown sugar”

2002_brown_sugar_005

she’s 6’2 without heels. he’s 5’2 with them. case closed

omar and perfunctory light-brown skinned bottom pretty boy criminal, “the wire”

ep48_omar_plusone

seriously, how the hell did omar find these dudes? did he meet them all at the same club? were they all from the same family? did he put ads on craigslist for “perpetually sweaty, homeless, and murderous gay stick-up kid with multiple bounties on head seeks light-skinned homo thug willing to stick-up and get stuck“? somebody please explain this to me.

thelma frye and reverend reuben gregory, “amen”

of all the aggressively effeminate male/shrewish female late 80′s black sitcom pairings (the winslows from “family matters”, the banks from the “fresh prince of bel-air”, etc), these two were the least convincing. i mean, you know the chemistry is bad when you think the reverend and sherman hemsley…

amendavishemsley

…would have made a better couple.

thats it for me. people of vsb.com, did i forget anyone?

—the champ

the game changers

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cutty: “the game done changed”

slim charles: “games the same. just got more fierce”

along with being the only time in recent history where it was perfectly ok for a straight man to use the word “fierce” unironically, this exchange from the best show that has ever and will ever be on television also perfectly encapsulates a commonly held sentiment about the dating game.

sure, there are certain rules, mores, and standards that transcend time and culture. men will always hunt and hippy women will always love pancakes, but 21st century social interactions have morphed into an amorphous abyss of ambigiousness, artificial amorousness, and snizzle asscrack.

today, well look at a few of the game-changers of the last decade to hopefully help us understand how and why our relationships are rigged.

beyonce

—from the confusing payment assistance request for the imaginary “automobill” to the subtly fascist insistence to upgrade our mates, no other single person has had more of a relationship game-changing effect on our culture than the thundergoat, and may God have mercy on our souls

the text message

—its ability to allow us to “multitask” (read: send the exact same “whats good for tonight” bait message to seven different fish of the sea chicks friday night) allowed the text message to officially replace “dogs” as a man’s best friend sometime in the spring of 2005

“oz“

—lets just say that this graphic depiction of pound-me-in-the-ass-prison probably did more to cool women to the idea of convict coitus than any other single factor, including j.l. king and beanie sigel.

the manolo blanik boot

—first widely seen in the me and my girlfriend vid, these “timberland heels” represented the apex of the 1999-2005 knockoff era where bastardized versions of burberry, gucci, and louie vutton angered euros and ran rampant through our streets like fatherlessness and ray j…a perfect symbol for the artificial amorousness permeating our culture today, where perceived status takes precedence over substance

thats it for now. people of vsb.com, what say you and sh*t? what else can you name that’s changed the relationship game in the past several years?

—the champ

hot for teacher: the relationship litmus test

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its an inevitability.

a forgone conclusion.

an inflexible and inescapable eventuality.

it all starts the same way. champ enters room. champ announces his presence, usually by either giving a head nod to noone in particular or verbally stating “the champ is here” in a forcefully hushed tone. outrageously attractive woman approaches champ. champ and outrageously attractive woman immediately leave room and have wild shitake monkey sex. champ and woman speak. woman is impressed with champ’s diction and banter. champ is impressed with woman’s diction and banter, but more impressed with her ass.

eventually, the champ and this woman will go on 2-4 extremely irrelevant dates, filled with aggressively nonchalant flirting, subtle promises of breakfast making, and extremely irrelevant questions, sans for one…the champs most tried and true relationship litmus test

“do you like “the wire”?”

although seemingly innocuous, this simple five word question tells me everything i need to know about the potential somewhat significant other. “how, omnipotent champ?” you ask? its all about the answers.

lemme walk you through it

1. “no. it sucks”

there’s two types of people in this world: people who love the wire, and soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles. there’s no inbetween. if you don’t like the wire, than you’re a soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophile. since the champ doesn’t date soul-less hemophiliac viking pedophiles unless they look like post-”in the house”/pre-crack maia campbell, this answer lets me know there’s no future between us. also, usually at this point i offer to go dutch.

2. “no. i can’t watch it because it reminds me too much of home”

run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont want to hear how. i don’t look back. i don’t ask for the check. i just run.

3. “hmmm. the wire? never heard of it”

obviously, this means that this person is living in a pop culture vacuum. although her pop cultural ignorance shows that we wouldn’t be compatible, women living in pop culture vacuums tend to be freaks (ie: palin, sarah) so you can find an eventual use for her if you’re creative.

4. “i actually haven’t seen it, but i’ve heard good things about it.”

5. “yes!!!”

the only completely acceptable answers. if she follows up with “in fact, i just bought the complete dvd set”, i might even make her some buttermilk waffles.

whether conscious or subconscious, blatant or subtle, intentional or accidental, we all have relationship litmus tests we put prospective prospects through. unambiguous measuring sticks, these or our standardized ways of weeding through the mucky modern-day relationship morass.

***along with the wire query, i also give potentials the stair test. to expound, i live on the top floor of my building. if a walk up to my apartment makes you sound like an emphasemic darth vader, maybe its time to head back to training camp***

so, people of vsb…what are your relationship litmus tests?

—the champ