6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking

maybe now is the best time to tell him that the penis snuggie he rocks before sex creeps me out

two things immediately came to mind when news of elin nordegren’s 9 figure settlement came to light last week:

***btw, am i the only one who thinks that elin’s people intentionally leaked that ludicrous 750 number just so people would be like “oh, that’s actually fair and reasonable.” when the real (and still f*cking ludicrous) settlement figure came out? it’s like the guy who asks his girl if they can have an open relationship, knows he’s going to get shot down, gets shot down, and then follows it up with “well, can you start swallowing at least?” because he knows she’ll probably think “well, that’s not too bad. i guess i can start doing that.“***

a) in college, i was once asked by one of my assistant coaches during an especially spirited practice to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive i was threatened with the possibility of being kicked out of practice and the chance that i might have to return at 5am the next morning to do suicides for an hour.

tiger woods asked his ex-wife to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive she was given 100 million dollars.

f*ck earth.

b) tiger’s tale further validates one of the most important tenets of relationships: never f*ck/committ to/marry someone who has much, much less to lose than you do. while i’m not a huge proponent of people always needing to be “equally yoked”, it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells.

tiger actually breaks this rule twice (marrying a viking nanny and cheating on said viking nanny with the only 53 white women in america actually lower on the status totem pole than viking nannies), proving once in for all that overachieving is best left for libertarians, jets fans, and rapists.

anyway, “they have nothing to lose. you have everything to lose” takes the number one spot on “6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking”, a list that (if made viral) might do more to curb crime-fighting than any other ledger ever posted on vsb.

here’s the rest

2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex

you’d think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t be blowing him at dusk every day if you still can’t muster the courage to tell him that he might be a diabetic because his semen tastes like maple syrup” would go without saying. you’d also think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium” would also go without saying, but apparently some sh*t really needs to be said.

3. the sex really f*cking sucks

while awkward new relationship sex is perfectly understandable as you learn each others rhythms, likes, and dislikes, if a period of time has passed and you still would rather watch paint f*ck than sleep with your mate, maybe it’s time to have a “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender” summit. i mean, if your man’s steak marinade give you amoebic dysentery every time you ate it, don’t you think it would be a good idea to chill with the grilling until he bought some new ingredients?

4. if you have to lie to people about your relationship

before j.l. king ruined the phrase “the down low” (btw, between “the down low”, “partner”, and the rainbow, someone needs to make a list of all the words and phrases the gay mafia has hijacked from the straight lexicon. i’d do it myself, but i’m scared that they’ll decide to hijack “champ” as retaliation.), being in a down low relationship had a bit of a subversive and edgy coolness to it.  you were on the down low, and nobody had to know about your late night creep.

but, although nobody really needs to know all of your adult business, as you get a bit older you start to realize how wack it is to sleep with someone if you (for whatever reason) feel the need to lie about the fact that you’re sleeping with them.

5. if a potential pregnancy would ruin your life

***taken from “the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete“***

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb (or police) if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm

would you ask a homeless man how to dunk? would you buy ten speed for a midget? would you ask a chicken how to shave? of course not.

i’m getting off track here, but the point remains that if you’re not comfortable enough with your own body to get yourself off, how the hell can you expect someone else to, and what type of sadist must you be to subject someone to that?

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that someone either shouldn’t or just aint ready to be in a sexual relationship? in tiger’s case, would it have been cheaper to keep or kill her?

also, am i the only one in utter awe of the omnipotence of the gay illuminati?

—the champ