Tag Archives: the matrix

dude, where’s my tinfoil?: the champ’s all-time favorite conspiracy theories

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  • earth, wind & fire
  • atlanta, georgia
  • adding sugar on already sugary cereal
  • diddy’s teeth
  • the physical abilities of female strippers
  • having meetings about…anything
  • titles
  • ruby dee
  • mac and cheese, and “mac and cheese” timberland boots
  • movies where white women get slapped by sistas
  • steve nash

these are just a few of the many things universally adored by brothas and sistas across the country. still, this great affection pales in comparison to the infatuation and undying love we have with conspiracy theories and the joyful spread of fisher-price misinformation.

as i stated before, though, this isnt entirely our fault. i mean, when you’re aware of shit like the tuskegee experiment and cointelpro , you can’t help having a healthy dose of american skepticism and a willingness to believe anything bad about “the man” embedded in your dna.

even i got caught up by this yesterday, as i allowed myself to believe a comment based on a four-year old rumor (!) that sophia stewart–the black woman who’s suing the wackowski brothers, joel silver, and warner brothers for copyright infringement over the matrix trilogy–recently won a multi-billion dollar settlement.

i was so ready to believe that this information was true that i allowed it to seep past my bullshit filter and hop over my “hmmm. that’s odd. maybe i should google this” fence, and i was thisclose to forwarding that news to a couple family members until someone else questioned its truth, causing me to investigate.

anyway, this is just one example of the many conspiracy theories, urban legends, and popular misinformations recklessly spread around the black community like a kardashian’s legs. and, as a recognition of black history month, here’s three of my all-time favorite: Continue reading →

the mount rushmore of black television and movie mates

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marcee tidwell (regina king), ‘jerry maguire’

jerry_maguire_xl_04--film-A

while most of us seem to hold claire huxtable as the fictional black wife benchmark, no one better exemplified what it means to be a true ride or die wife than marcee tidwell. from her invention of “the quan” to her willingness to whoop aries spears militant ass for talking too much negative sh*t, king’s awe-inspiring performance almost even makes cuba gooding’s cooning bearable

claire huxtable (phylicia rashad), ‘the cosby show’

claire-huxtable1

the tupac of tv and movie mates (so unconditionally revered and lauded that their legacy is more memorable and transcendent than they actually were themselves), claire huxtable exemplified class, grace, and beauty while showing the world that its possible for black women to have five children who look absolutely nothing alike

zee (nona gaye), ‘the matrix reloaded’

i know her placement on mt rushmore seems puzzling, but consider these three factors:

1. she was staunchly committed to her man despite the fact that each of her two brothers (dozer and tank) were killed messing around with the same crazy ass boss (morpheus) he’s volunteering to work for.

2. she didn’t hesitate to battle the machine army, which helped to get her man back home and, you know, continue the human race. some janky broads won’t even kill a spider for you and zee was out there running around in a tweed sports bra shooting sentinels and sh*t

3. she looked like this

nona gaye

and stayed devoted to a man who looked like he’s in a perpetual state of the swine flu¹

mrs. jackson (bebe drake), ‘boomerang’

she brought a five gallon bucket chitlins for thanksgiving and let mr. jackson “whip dat p*ssy” in the bathroom next to the kitchen. nuff said

although i know my mt rushmore is thorough, i’m curious: who’d be on your mt rushmore of black television and movie mates? remember, you can only pick four.

also, even though my list is all women, feel free to make a mt rushmore of black male mates if you’re compelled and sh*t.

¹seriously, if you had to rank “sickly looking ass n*ggas in film”, harold perrineau (link from ‘the matrix’) would be number one, closely followed by andre royo (bubbles from ‘the wire’) and macy gray from ‘training day’

—the champ

the end of the beginning

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shouting

like millions of other fanboys, i anxiously anticipated “matrix reloaded” and “matrix revolutions” with the nervous intensity of a virgin thrown in a locked room with jazmine cashmere. yet, my anticipation proved to be for naught, as the sequels proved that the wachowski brothers had absolutely no idea what to do after their first shot…like a virgin thrown in a locked room with jazmine cashmere. Continue reading →

i'm good: the best decisions you never made

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willsmithneo

in the history of bad decisions, you can argue that will smith passing up the role of neo in “the matrix” because he needed to finish filming “wild wild west” ranks in the top three, right up there with “praising your argentinian mistress at a supposedly penitent press conference” and “making a 129 year old don cornelius read a 10,000 word intro for the o’jays at the BET awards”. Continue reading →