Tag Archives: the game

Yup, Another Minute-by-Minute Recap Of The Season Premiere Of “The Game”

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So happy togetherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Or not.

9:59: As I begin to prepare for my second annual minute-by-minute recap of the season debut of “The Game,” it’s probably not a good sign that it took me three minutes to find BET on my cable box. I feel extremely white right now. (And by “white” I mean “grown”)

Anyway, as “Lost In The World” — the Kanye song I listen to whenever I want to think about my dead goldfish — is playing in the background, they’re in the middle of an montage of things that made me wish I’d actually watched more than one episode of “The Game” last year so I can know what the hell is going on.

Confession time: You know how you’ll be watching some trailer for some sh*tty movie, and you’ll see a “much too established to be in this sh*tty movie” actor in it, clearly just there to collect a paycheck and go home?

Well, that’s how I feel about writing this summary. I have absolutely no interest in this show, but I’m only writing about it because I know people are going to want to read about and discuss it tonight and tomorrow. I’m officially a sell-out.

10:00: Another confession: I was kind of stressed about doing this. Live blogs, while fun, are pretty difficult to navigate because you’re watching, thinking of clever/relevent sh*t to write, and writing simultaneously.

But, since BET has five minutes of commercials for every three minutes of air time, I’m surprisingly good. Thanks Debra Lee!

10:01: I’ve never not been entertained by an Underworld movie. Just wanted to put that out there.

10:02: The show begins with Twin Mowry and Derwin Davis in a hospital. I really have no idea what the f*ck is going on right now. This — me not knowing what the hell is going on — will be a recurring theme with this summary.

10:04: Do laugh tracks make anything better? Seriously. Have you ever seen something funny happen in real life (i.e: a fat man in a little coat slipping on a patch of ice) and thought to yourself “Damn. This is funny as hell. You know what would make it even funnier? A gotdamn laugh track.”

(Ok, I actually have thought that before, but I think you get my point. Laugh tracks suck.)

10:05: As Derwin and the good Doctor McWhateverTheHellHisNameIs have a pissing contest, I’m reminded of something a few of my soon to be PhDed friends joke about all the time.

According to them, doctors (surgeons especially) usually are a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket, and aren’t exactly the smartest people on Earth either. They’re known as the dummies in the advanced degree world. I have no idea why I’m telling you all this. Perhaps I think you’d find the years long MD vs PhD feud to be more entertaining than my summary of this scene.

10:07: We see Jason Pitts for the first time, as he’s completing a mid-day booty call with some onesie-clad chick named Gloria. Don’t bother asking me why someone would have sex, put a onesie on, and get back in bed, because I have no answers for you.

She chides him about his pattern of not dating black women (I smell a recurring theme!!!) before inviting him to a wedding. Hmm. Shouldn’t booty calls make baby steps when they’re trying to score some “lets do something in public now” time? I mean, a wedding? It usually takes at least 20 sessions to even make it to a Wendy’s drive-thru.

10:09: Seeing Rick Ross on screen reminds me that his “Rich Forever” mixtape may be the best mixtape I’ve ever downloaded. (And yes. You just read a hip-hop purist put “Rick Ross” and “best ever” in the same sentence. If you have a problem with that, I’ll levitate on all you p*ssy n*ggas)

10:10: Pooch Hall Malik walks in while carrying a drunk hoochie, and the drunk hoochie is carrying 15 pounds of ass and 115 ounces of weave. This probably won’t end well.

10:11: Sign #3453 that I’m getting old: I remember when Anne Marie Johnson — the mom in the Kevin Hart Ford Explorer commericals — played the token hot chick in all of Robert Townsend’s movies, and the plastic woman in “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.” I wanted to sleep with her before I even know what “I want to sleep with her” meant.

10:13: Derwin Davis is having his Emmy moment as he speaks to Twin Mowry. Nostrils are flaring. Cheeks are flushed. Voices are cracking. This is some high-level, Inside The Actor’s Studio-type sh*t right now.

10:14: Checking to see if they were joking about the show being an hour long.

10:14: Finding out that it is actually an hour long, and that I’ve already committed to writing this entire f*cking recap

10:14: Contemplating suicide.

10:15: The producers of “The Game” must have ESP, because as soon as I was thinking about giving the peace sign to life, they threw on some Kanye to snap me back to reality.

10:18: Brandy the bartender tries not to peek at her cue cards while exchanging barbs with Jason. Honestly, is there a 30-something celebrity with a weirder and more random resume than Brandy? She was a legitimate pop star, Kobe Bryant’s prom date, actually killed someone in a car accident, has been surpassed in pop culture relevancy by her much less talented and likable younger brother. It’s like her Wiki page was written by a dyslexic.

10:19: I have to say, Jason is easily my favorite character on the show, and since they give him all the best lines, he must be the writers’ favorite character as well.

10:22: Wendy Raquel Robinson (“Racks on Racks” for short) is in great shape, but I think she may have gotten to that strange point some women get to when they work out so much that they’re in danger of going from “she looks good” to “find the nearest methadone clinic”

10:27: Literally nothing important happens in the five minute span from 10:22 to 10:27.

10:27: I misspoke. Something important did happen. My feelings about the laugh track have gone from “very annoyed” to “I wish a plague on the family of whoever thought this was a good idea”

10:28: I’m going to put my serious hat on for a second and say that the relationship between Racks on Racks and Pooch Hall Malik is what happens when moms fall in love with their sons. Please, single mothers out there, if you ever find yourself falling in love with your son, suckerpunch him in the eye. Trust men, in 20 years, you’ll be a better woman and he’ll be a better man for it.

10:28: Since when does “naked chick found dead from an overdose” = “cue laugh track?” Am I missing something here?

10:32: As I’m beginning to get progressively more bored with the show, my mind begins to drift to more important things, most notably have Twin Mowry and Derwin Davis ever slept together in real life.

(I don’t think so. In fact, I hate when people say things like that. (pot meet kettle) But, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.)

10:33: Abortion Bombshell!!!!!!

10:35: Gotdamn. These two really go for the jugular when they argue with each other. Am I just naive? Do people actually argue like this in real life? Seriously, they say things to each other where the only rational response would be murder.

10:35: Cue Kanye again as Twin Mowry gets her own Emmy moment. I kind of like her’s better.

10:36: Really? You’re going to stop in the middle of giving the OD-ed weave monster mouth to mouth and argue? Really, “The Game” writers, you thought this would be a perfect time to add some levity?

10:38: Even Dead Ray Charles can see that Jason and Brandy are going to start dating. Perhaps he’ll even hit it tonight.

10:39: Or get married

10:41: I feel like I should be mad about this, but this KFC “wingman” commercial may actually be the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. My favorite part is the slow motion face shimmy while one of the women is eating a wing.

10:42: Two things this Mexican honeymoon scene makes me think about:

1. How much money did they have to pay “The Hangover” people to borrow their phone camera montage trick?

2. Why does Brandy look like she’s wearing a sock in her panties? Seriously, forget about camel toe, it looked like she was hiding the camel’s entire f*cking face in her draws.

10:45: Who’s going to cry for the poor little yellow kid who couldn’t get rhythm from a sister? Who’s going shed a tear? Are you going to cry for him? You?

10:48: This new movie “The Vow” was great the first time I saw it, when it was called “50 First Dates.”

10:51: Brandy. Race. Jason. Brandy. Race. Big Booty Keisha Jackson. Race. White women. Race. Black Women. Taye Diggs.

10:55: Awww. Derwin and Twin finally made up. BTW, is it just me, or does seem like Twin Mowry always dresses like she’s from the future?

10:56: You know, I’ve been thinking if this — my girl telling me she got an abortion a decade ago and the baby actually wasn’t mine — would piss me off. Honestly, it would. Don’t know why.

10:58: The chick from everyone’s favorite Progressive State Farm commerical makes her annual appearance as Derwin’s baby-momma, which reminds me of problem my dad has with “black” commercials.

He thinks that white casting agents don’t know how to cast black couples in commercials because the women are always much too good-looking for the men they’re with for it to be believable. When I told him once that it was actually realistic because this — getting with women who rate much, much, much higher on the “looks scale” than I do — was the story of my life, he said “You played basketball, though, so you don’t count.”

10:59: Seriously, who ever is the lacefront technician or weave grip on this show must make like $200 an hour.

11:00: As Derwin ends the show by killing a guy in his driveway and running his bag of presents (That was actually some gangsta-ass sh*t), I’m left to wonder how much longer “The Game” will stay on the air. I don’t actually want it to be canceled again. Many people I know seem to like it, and even though I’m still kind of salty that their write-up on the Ebony Power 100 was like 1000 times longer than ours, the husband/wife team of Salim Akil and Mara Brock Akil seem like good people

But, snark aside, it feels like the show is on auto-pilot right now, and I’m not sure if it can be fixed or if they even want to fix it. Perhaps “The Game” is the game they’re running on black America because they know we don’t have sh*t else to watch.

 —Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Why (Some) Women Are Reluctant To Accept That “Game” Works

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I don’t remember when exactly I first heard about “The Game” — Neil Strauss’ best-selling look into the pick-up artist (PUA) community — but I do remember being 1) confused by the name “The Game” (I don’t know what it is, but something about titling something “The Game” just doesn’t compute with me. It’s almost like it’s hitting ctrl-alt-delete on my brain. Seriously, it took me almost three years to completely grasp that the rapper The Game’s name was actually The Game. I kept believing I was seeing a typo or something) and 2) intrigued by the concept of PUA.

I’ve always thought that the dating game, or, more specifically, a person’s success in the dating game was much more dependent on science than art, so hearing that there were actual concretized rules that all men (Yes. All) who had frequent success with attractive women followed made sense.

Included among these laws are specific terminology like ”cat-string theory” — the idea that you keep a woman engaged just enough to hold her attention, but never give her your full attention — and ”the neg” — a backhanded compliment/slight dig that serves a dual purpose (1. To give a man an opportunity to expose how witty he can be, and, more importantly, 2. To show a woman that he’s not the slightest bit impressed by her beauty)

According to members/followers of the PUA community, once you remove the harshness of some of the terminology, all it does is give some actual meat to ambiguous terms such as “swagger” and “je ne sais quoi,” and I can’t say I don’t agree with that assertion.

Basically, whether it’s conscious or not, the men who are generally thought to have an attractive/alluring (even though I hate this term, I have to use it here) “swag” generally follow the PUA rules to a T when approaching women. I mean, “negs” are frequently incorporated by any guy from 5 to 55 whose ever flirted with an/or teased a woman, and any guy who’s ever had any type of consistent success with women knows that (generally speaking) the best way to spark a woman’s interest is to act like you’re really not that interested in her at all. This isn’t “game” as much as it’s just best practices.

Predictably, many, if not most, women are loathe to publicly admit that game actually works  – ironically, some women will make this passionate anti-game argument while they’re knee-deep in the process of being gamed – and here’s three reasons why this reluctance exists.

1. Admitting that game works completely contradicts one of the most prominent and protected tenets of womanhood: All women are unquestionably and undoubtedly unique.

Ever since the day they were born (or, if you’re a woman from Harlem, The Hill District, or Lincoln Heights, ever since their mothers decided to name them “Shauntananique“), most women have had the idea that they were extremely special and extremely precious repeatedly beat into their heads. Now, this isn’t a bad thing. Any good parent is going to do everything they can to make sure their daughter has a healthy portion of self-esteem. I mean, if I ever decide to have a daughter and she comes to me crying about not getting invited to a classmate’s sleepover, I probably won’t tell her “Hey, young daughter of The Champ, don’t worry about it. You weren’t invited because you’re not really all that special, and, well, you’re not really all that special so get used to disappointment.”

But, with this perpetual positive reinforcement cunninglingus comes a natural aversion to accepting the idea that game works because, well, game works by reinforcing the idea that each individual woman isn’t really all that special. The sense of ”Well, maybe that happened to her…but that damn sure aint gonna happen to me,” doesn’t fly because, with slight variations, the same techniques that worked with Debbie in Des Moines work just as well with Tisha in Tampa, Brittany in Boston, and Changpu in Chicago (she’s an exchange student).

2. Most of the men associated with the concept of game/PUA are, for lack of a better term, creepy weirdo motherf*ckers.

Let’s just say that when the most prominent members of a community go by names like “Mystery” and look like this…

…it just might be a tad difficult to accept that what they’re saying might actually work.

I even admit to being taken aback by Neil Strauss’ appearance and relatively effeminate voice when seeing him on a couple talk shows in the last week. He just didn’t look or sound anything like how I expected.

Thing is, the fact that these guys aren’t traditionally attractive should actually give them more credibility. I mean, men like Boris Kodjoe and Idris Elba can receive female interest just by walking in the room and saying “Huh,” so I’d be more interested in hearing exactly how a guy who looks like he should be selling me skinny ties at Urban Outfitters managed to be “successful.”

3. “Game” continues to have a somewhat undeserved negative connotation.

From “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” (It’s not a game with the “quoting paragraphs from your own book” game)

Although many associate the phrase running game with deception and subterfuge, game is nothing but seduction, and men do it to convince the one being “gamed” to do something the gamer wants them to do. It’s actually more advertising than artifice, and while it’s usually used in a dating or relationship context, you don’t have to be a “pimp” or “playa” to practice or appreciate it.

It’s a Mercedes commercial that makes you fantasize about how it would feel to drive up to your high school reunion in a new Benz coupe. It’s what every career counselor worth their salt would advise you to put on your resumes and cover letters to ensure your prospective employers see you in the most positive light possible. It’s all the flattering pictures on your Facebook page you’ve deemed taggable, lest one of your friends see what you actually look like.

To be completely frank, the best answer to “How can I tell if I’m being gamed?” is “Are you alive?”

Anyway, people of VSB: How do you feel about the concept of “game,” and why do you think women are relunctant to admit that they’ve been (or are being) gamed?

Also, do you think there’s some truth to the idea that the same general techniques work with most (if not all) women, or do you think it’s completely bullsh*t.

—The Champ

 

Should Have, Could Have: The No-Win Situation

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[***ADMIN NOTE: Being on BET and more specifically TV was as crazy for me as it was to be seen on TV. We'll touch more on that during an upcoming podcast. But thanks for all the support. Champ, Liz, and I appreciate it.***]

While the current season of The Game on BET leaves most of us wanting more than Charlie Sheen at a custody hearing, the most recent episode brought to light an interesting quagmire that many men find themselves in: the no-win situation.

But before we get to that, some seven years ago the movie Crash came out in theaters. One scene in particular set the discussion boards and blog comments ablaze. The scene involves A Pimp Named WetWipe aka Terrence Howard, the Colored Girl Who Can Play A Ho and Housewife, Thandie Newton, and two LAPD offiicers. Wetwipe and Colored Girl get stopped by the police, at which point one of the police officers played by Matt Dillon proceeds to feel up Colored Girl in front of WetWipe, who does nothing. That one scene caused more debate and discussion than the Lincoln-Douglass Debates in the Black community.

Should he have done something? Should she have just kept her mouth shut? Should he have taken the impending arsewhooping and jail time to preserve the honor of his woman? Is it worse that he just let it happen no matter what the consequences could have been?

Shouldn’t he have done…something?

Opinions were split and households divided. Absentee fathers came home just so that they could leave their women again because of how some women felt Terrence Howard wasn’t a real man. Thing is, the entire situation was a no-win situation. Letting his woman get sexually assaulted by LAPD is a loss and a shot to his manhood and dignity, not to mention his woman was harassed and he couldn’t do anything because…had he done anything he would have gone to jail and his woman STILL would have been sexually assaulted. The potential beatdown Wetwipe would have taken would have had Rodney King (20 years ago last week…WOW) feeling sympathy. And even now I’m still unsure as to what the proper course of action was. I mean, it’s his wife. It’s his job to protect her.

Oy vey.

Back to the lecture at hand.

In the most recent episode of The Game, Malik is now dating uber-banging supermodel actress chic Jenna (Tika Sumpter) and while he’s out of town for a game the wife of the owner (that he’d been banging, the wife that is) ends up in his hotel room ready for some of that Wright lovin’. She says she wants some of that good good, he says “I told you before, I’m done, I got a chick. I love her cuz she’s got her own.” She threatens rape and starts yelling and screaming and breaking sh*t in the hotel room in order to get what she wants. Now, Malik, being the oddly different and unlikeable character that he is on this season is conflicted.

He has a woman back home in San Diego (btw, is it more are there a whole lot of celebrities and random models and young rich people roaming the streets of The Game’s version of San Diego) that he just got finished jumping up and down on Mo’Nique’s couch which I’m sure is a big deal for people who read Jet Magazine for recent news. Point is, he has this crazy woman in front of him threatening to ruin his life unless he smangs her and a woman at home he loves who doesn’t appear to have vaseline all over her face like the woman in his hotel room. And word to the wise…keep your friends close, enemies closer and keep crazy broads in your sights at all times.

So what does he do? He smangs her. And the feels terrible about it later. And that makes total sense. But he was in a no-win situation. He couldn’t have just left the room. This crazy heffa was throwing things around and playing the rape card. He needs to be able to see her OUT of his hotel room. But he can’t. Crazy chicks do crazy chick things. So he does what he thinks is in his best interest. Smangage.

No-win situation. He lost on all accounts.

And you know what? His girl will never forgive him if he tells her. Which is what he wants to do. Women ALWAYS think there’s something he/we could have done to avert the situation. But is there? From where I’m sitting, short of just running out and praying she doesn’t pull any non-sense. But that’s one hell of a risk.

No-win situation.

So I ask you, good people of VSB, what’s the way out? Ladies, what could Malik have gotten out of the situation? Help a brotha out. We don’t think we can win. Women think we should know better or could have done something different.

What’s the win?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The 10 Worst Types Of Sex

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An hour or so into “The American” — a slow-moving but entertaining 2010 thriller where George Clooney plays a reclusive weapon-making maven hiding out in an Italian village — Clooney’s character tells a prostitute (I’d say she was an unrealistically good-looking prostitute, but I’ve been to Italy and many of the prostitutes I saw while there were actually dimes. There must be something in the olive oil over there. I also realize that at least 25% of them were men. I should probably end this aside right now.) he’s been seeing that she doesn’t have to “act” when she’s with him. Basically, he tells her that she doesn’t need to fake it when they’re having sex.

They eventually began a bit of a relationship, seeing each other outside of the brothel, but that exchange reminded me of how much it must suck to continually and exclusively have sex with women who are only sleeping with you because you’re paying them. I’ve written before about the ego boost that comes from pleasing a woman sexually, but when you completely remove the possibility of knowing whether her pleasure is real from the equation, sex is no different than masturbation. Actually, it’s worse than masturbation because at least with masturbation you can go raw on yourself.

Anyway, thinking about this scene and the sex for pay dynamic made me think of other types of sex you should probably try to avoid, and here’s nine more.

Pissy drunk sex

While slightly tipsy sex can be some of the best sex you’ll ever have (Why? Well, the slightly tipsyness relaxes inhibitions a bit while you still have complete control of your motor skills and dignity), super, duper drunk sex turns normal people into virgins with Parkinson’s disease. Seriously, it’s like two elephants on skateboards fighting each other with wet baseball bats. If this analogy didn’t make any sense to you, you’ve obviously never had pissy drunk sex.

But, while pissy drunk sex is bad, it’s not even close to the level of sucktitude involved when having…

Just one person happens to be drunk sex

Without getting too graphic, I’ll just say that both whiskey d*ck and whiskey p*ssy are real. And by “real” I mean “real f*cking annoying when you’re the only one who’s sober.”

Sad sex

While 0ccasional tears during sex is good, they should only occur when having a particularly intense orgasm or while getting fellated by a particularly toothy Delta; not when having to pause mid-stroke because you just can’t get over your dead hamster.

Hungry sex

Maybe it’s just me, but sex on an empty stomach is like masturbating with Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash. Good in theory until you realize God is watching you masturbate with Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash.

Shower sex

Between the balance issues, the pain of skin against wet porcelain, and the fact that hot water has a way of turning vaginas into carbon paper, there may not be a more overrated activity than having sex in the shower. Seriously, in the history of human’s having shower sex, has there ever been a time when somebody didn’t say “You know, that would have been much, much better if our horny asses just walked 5 feet to the bedroom” directly afterward?

Injured sex

You’d think that a sprained ankle or sore achilles wouldn’t make that much of a difference. You’d probably continue to think that, until you attempt to lift your girl and you end up slipping and dropping her ass first into the bed support because you can’t put any weight on your leg.

“I don’t really want to have sex with you, but I’m going to have sex with you anyway” sex

and

“I really want to have sex with you, and I’m going to, but I’m not going to act like I really want to have sex with you” sex

Listed together because it’ll be easier for me to search for and find this in the future when I’m compiling a list of “crazy sh*t women do” for a congress sub-committee.

Too great expectations sex

Ah yes, the great expectations sex. For the past two months, you both have been a sexting, sh*t talking, contrived double entendre creating mess. He’s gonna “blow your back out like Bob Backlund” and you’re gonna ride him until he sees stars, Jesus, John the Baptist, Frankie Lymon, and the ghost of Adriana from “The Sopranos.”

And then the day finally comes and, well, it’s ok but the Earth didn’t move, the moon didn’t fall, and you have lukewarm semen on your kneecap. The sex wasn’t bad, but you built expectations so high that you couldn’t help but be underwhelmed. In this sense, I guess it’s exactly like watching “The Game.”

Anyway, people of VSB, did I forget anything? Are there any other types of sex that should have made the cut?

—The Champ

A Minute-By-Minute Recap of The Season Premiere of BET’s “The Game”

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Full disclosure: My only real viewing experience with “The Game” came in the form of 12 episodes I watched during a lazy Saturday “The Game” marathon on BET several months ago; a decision that was equal parts boredom and curiosity—basically, I wanted to see what the big deal was. (The way some people raved about it, you’d think they were giving free iPads to audience members afterward.) And, after six consecutive hours of watching, I can honestly say that I’ve never been more, for lack of a better term, unmoved by a show. Not awkward, not impressed, not embarrassed, not angered, not inspired, not uplifted, not curious, not excited. Just…nothing.

I’m not suggesting that I thought “The Game” was a bad show. Far from it, actually. The main characters, while caricatures, were at least semi-believable caricatures, and the acting, plot lines, writing, and production were all professionally done. “Homeboys In Outer Space” this was not.

But, I came to realize that either something was lacking (something I couldn’t quite put my hands on), or I was just unable or unwilling to see or feel what the thousands of people clamoring for its return from TV purgatory so obviously saw and felt.

This uncertainty led me Tuesday’s two-part season premiere, as I hoped that watching and writing about it would finally give me some answers.

10:01: The show opens up with a montage featuring each of the main characters—Twin Mowry as Melanie Davis, Pooch Hall as Derwin Davis, Coby Bell as Jason Pitts, Brittany Daniel as Kelly Pitts, Hosea Chanchez as Malik Wright, Wendy Raquel Robinson as Latasha Mack—and Meagan Good’s ginormous boobs as B.O.B.’s “Don’t Let Me Fall” plays in the background. How apropo and sh*t

The montage ends with a Twin Mowry and Derwin photo shoot for Essence Magazine; the first of the approximately 129,876 times Essence will be name-dropped in the next hour.

You know, I was originally a bit stressed about doing the minute-by-minute blog thing, because they’re simultaneously the easiest—because they have a set structure, and the event you’re watching basically creates the content—and the hardest—because you can’t really take any breaks or time to process—blogs to do. But, BET and their “four minutes of actual show time to three minutes of commercials” ratio has made things much easier for me. Thanks, BET! Who said BET didn’t care about black bloggers?

10:05: Although I’m aware that the meat is probably made from processed wildebeests and aboriginal midgets, that Burger King chicken sandwich looks really damn good right now. Damn you, New Years resolution to get back to playing weight! Damn you!!!!

10:06: The shrewish chick from everyone’s favorite State Farm commercial shows up with her and Derwin’s baby; beginning what will be the only storyline worth following for the next hour.

10:07: I’m still not sure exactly how attractive Wendy Raquel Robinson is. I thought she was kind of hot on The Steve Harvey show, but I’ll concede that the light reflecting off of Steve Harvey’s suits could have been playing tricks on my eyes.

10:08: Malik shows off his tapered frohawk and accompanying widow’s peak (Seriously, Forget all that sh*t I said yesterday about people not being unique. There has never been another person on this planet, or any other planet were they have black people, with his haircut) while he chats in some swanky restaurant with the team’s new owner, played by Michael Beach: the bane of black civilization.

Also, between the Jamba Juice shout-out, the casual mention that Derwin is the star of the team now, and the obvious power struggle between Malik and the owner, there’s enough background exposition in this scene to choke a f*cking mule, a recurring theme throughout the night. Nobody has conversations like this.

10:09: Somebody’s creeping!!!!!!!!! Somebody’s creeping!!!!!

From Lady Champ, as soon as Meagan Good came back on screen: “I wouldn’t mind being her size with her boobs”

Would it have made me a bad boyfriend if I replied “I wouldn’t mind either”? (Never mind, don’t answer that question)

10:10: More exposition (Nike contract, almost done with residency, issues with the kid, etc)

10:13: Chris Webber trying not to laugh while delivering his lines is easily the most entertaining thing about the show so far. BTW, Jason Pitts is wearing a very nice suit. If his suit was a woman, I’d definitely take it out for a nice seafood dinner and never call it again.

10:14: While the characters spout nothing but more gotdamn exposition (Kelly has a new reality show, Twin Mowry suspects that the kid might not be Derwin’s, etc), I’ll take this time to ask if I’m the only one offended by this. Seriously, can someone tell me why the show’s writers feel the need to feel us in with background knowledge every 10 seconds? Veteran “The Game” watchers, is this common? Do they really think that you all are so stupid that you need to be reminded of what happened in the last scene (or the last season) every other scene?

10:16: More gotdamn f*cking exposition about the fact that this kid might not be Derwin’s. We get it already!!!! Please move on.

Also, why the hell do they keep referring to this kid as light-skinned? If he’s light-skinned, what does that make Twin Mowry? See-through? Unblurred? Translucent? Semiopaque?

10:17: The trailer for The Heart Specialist proves once and for all that Zoe Saldana either needs a new agent or some petty cash to pay for a new addition on her house.

10: 19: “If you can wear the jewelry, you can sale the jewelry.” A message brought to you by Tracey Lynn Pre-Paid Legal Jewelry

10:20: Lady Champ: “Do any of the women on this show wear bras?”

10:21: Terrance from 106 and Park makes his “The Game” debut as Tasha’s apparent boy-toy/fling. This is awkward. If Rosci was still alive, she’d be spinning in her grave.

10:22: Seriously, how much money did the Essence people pay the producers of “The Game” to repeatedly drop the Essence name throughout the show? 5,000 bucks? $10,000? 100 grand? At this point I’m half expecting the homie Demetria Lucas to show up as Twin Mowry’s new “relationship adviser.”

10:23: While Derwin and Twin’s house is definitely banging, it doesn’t look very child friendly. Too many sharp edges. I guess this is foreshadowing and sh*t.

10:25: Mercy, mercy me, that Murcielago!

Malik is pretty brazen rolling around the city with his boss’s wife (and saying sh*t like “The rules don’t apply to me“). The writers are definitely setting his character up for a Michael Vick type fall from grace some time during this season.

10:26: More exposition as Twin Mowry and Tasha walk down the street and discover the baby’s not Derwin’s. Oh dear. This will probably lead to copious amounts of wall-punching and shivering faces.

10:28: Twin tells Derwin about the paternity test, a subject which will surely be debated on thousand of blogs in the next seven days or so.

(My opinion? That was the right thing to do. As hard as it was for him to hear, a guy needs to know if the baby he’s raising and taking care of isn’t his.)

10:34: Sign #234 that I’m getting old: I had to Google the name of the actor playing Malik’s “assistant” to make sure it wasn’t Soulja Boy.

I’ve also upgraded the fall the writers are setting up for Malik. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if by episode 3, he was caught dog fighting with the Obama’s poodle.

10:35: As my homegirl Deesha would probably tell you, Jason and Kelly show the world how not to co-parent.

Also, more exposition (Nobody talks like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody!!!!!!!!!!)

10:37: While wondering if Terrance is physically incapable of making a face without smiling, I finally figure out why I just haven’t been able to get into ‘”The Game.”

I’ve already established my annoyance with the ton of exposition, but the main reason why I’m just not that into this show is because it’s a virtual humor vacuum. None of the attempts at humor induce anything more than a “I’m supposed to laugh because they made a joke there” chuckle, and it’s extremely difficult for me to really get into a relatively light show that’s completely devoid of wit. Right now it’s just a bunch of pretty rich people with pretty rich people problems. Take away their pigment and it’s Laguna f*cking Beach.

10:39: This is sad and shit. Derwin has bonded with the not really all that light skinned son. I’m getting verklempt.

10:45: Question: Are the Sabers the only team in their professional football league? Asking because so far you have players from the exact same team all getting video covers, lead Nike contracts, Essence Mag cover shoots, reality TV shows, and sports talk radio shows, and that’s a ton of shine for just one team.

(Actually, forget about it. Dont mind me. It’s just my “wanting things to be as realistic as possible” flaring up again, that’s all)

10:47: Uh, Oh. Terrance is a MILF Hunter!!! Can’t trust those 106 and Park ass n*ggas. Somebody call Free and A.J.!

10:48: Why do I feel all guilty and color-struck for thinking that Soulja Boy’s girlfriend—the thick chick with the glasses—is easily the best looking woman I’ve seen on the show so far?

10:49: Yeah, I’ll bet a week’s worth of Cream of Wheat that the whole “let my super hot girlfriend drive home with my slut homeboy with the God complex” thing probably isn’t going to end well. Even the blind cat behind the bar can see this impending hook-up coming.

I also think that this—the audience is much, much smarter than the characters on screen—is part of the appeal of a show like “The Game.” Again, this doesn’t make it a bad show at all, but I personally just don’t enjoy knowing exactly what a character is going to do 8 scenes before they actually do it.

10:51: ***Things I’d rather do before I watch “Lets Stay Together”***

Eat those evil tiny red peppers that come with an order of General Tso’s. Do a butt naked snow angel. Have sex with Al Gore. Have dinner with Evelyn Lozada. Have a sleepover at one of the people from “Hoaders” houses. Eat soft chicken wings. Move to Detroit.

(Actually, I heard that the show isn’t bad. Still, BET should probably air it before 1 freakin am if they want people to actually watch it)

10:54: It’ll probably surprise you that I’m saying this, but Tasha’s insecurity about the MILF Hunter is completely warranted. I’d have a bird too if I met each of my girl’s ex’s and saw that they were impossibly bespectacled former athletes turned bloggers with disproportionately big heads and bowlegs.

10:57: Soulja Boy walks in on Malik, Meagan, Meagan’s boobs, and his girl. Who the hell saw that coming?

Also, when you add the f*cking museum that he lives in and the shady way he treated his boy to all the other foul stuff he’s done this episode, I’m now convinced that the show’s writers are going to have Malik accidentally castrate and decapitate himself by episode three.

10:58: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to admit that I didn’t see that one coming. Good one, “The Game” writers. Good one.

10:59: The show ends to B.O.B. again as 88 Keys silently sits somewhere and stews.

You know, despite the tone of this recap, I actually was rooting for me to like “The Game.” It’s much more fun liking something than disliking it. And, I’d love to have at least ONE witty, funny, slick, and smart predominately black show I can watch regularly. I was silently hoping that it could be that show. They don’t seem too interested in making a show like that, though—which is their prerogative and perfectly understandable. They’ve been cancelled before, and appeasing the audience instead of making the audience work might be the surest way to make certain that doesn’t happen again. Sh*t, they have to eat too, and I wish them the best of luck. But, unless they make some drastic changes with the writing and excessive melodrama, they’ll have to make this BET journey without me.

11:00: Lady Champ: “Can I turn the channel now? Are you done yet with this show yet?”

Yeah, Lady Champ. I think I am.

—The Champ