I Never Thought I’d…

I never thought I'd wake up to this every morning.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”

There are myriad reasons why Woody Allen’s famous quote annoys the hell out of me, none more prominent than the fact that it suggests that the master of the universe has a pretty shitty sense of humor. I mean, God has been around forever (give or take a couple trillion years or so), and if we take Allen’s quote to heart, He has the same sense of humor as that asexual asshole high school guidance counselor who guffawed when you told her you wanted to be a professional clown.

Maybe it’s just me, but I prefer to think of my creator as being a bit more self-deprecating. I imagine God sitting around, deleting voicemails from Kelly Price and thinking things like “Uranus. Ha! What the hell was I smoking when I farted out that wack-ass planet? That place is about as useless as tits on a bull.”

Anyway, while I think God would be kind of a dick if He found humor in the fact that we can’t predict the future — which, since He didn’t see the need to give us that power, is like clowning an Elephant for not being able to make mango salsa — I do actually think it’s (occasionally) amusing when life throws us curveballs; putting us in situations we never, ever, ever thought we’d be in.

For instance, I am not an animal person. I don’t hate them or anything — well, I don’t hate any animals aside from gotdamn f*cking deer and the bird who finds a way to shit on my car three days a week — but I’m just a guy who’d prefer to live an animal and pet free life. Perhaps I’m scarred from the fact that my last pets — goldfish named fred and freda — got their dumb asses killed because my neighbor gave them too much food and they ate themselves to death. (This really happened, btw) Who knows?

But, I do know that I never thought that I’d end up owning a f*cking cat…which I currently do right now. Now, that’s a bit misleading. Due to some circumstances too interesting to print today (Seriously. The story behind the temporary cat ownership has enough material for a week’s worth of VSB posts), I’m actually cat-sitting for the next four months; not permanent, but long enough to make me, to quote Panama Jackson a few weeks ago, “a nigga with a cat.”

That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m sure I’m not alone. I know everyone’s life hasn’t followed the exact plan you thought it would, so how would you fill in your own personal “I never thought I’d…” sentence?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

20 Life Lessons From The Champ

Listen up, fellas. The Champ's here to drop knowledge and drink milkshakes, and he's all out of milkshake

In a sign that the Pittsburgh-area market for Black male motivational speakers must be pretty shitty, I’ve been asked to speak to five different youth organizations this summer. But, although I originally weeped (in my head) for the young men who will be forced to sit and listen to my litany of pseudo-motivational cliches and bad Jewish humor, after giving it some thought, I think this might actually be a great opportunity to impart certain “wisdoms” they probably won’t hear anywhere else.

Here’s a few that I have in mind so far. Lemme know what you think.

1. Never run for a bus or a cab unless you’re 100 percent certain that you’ll catch it

2. There are two rules to remember if dating a stripper:
A. Never refer to her by her stripper name, even if it makes you chuckle
B. When eating hot dogs or cheeseburgers, always have extra condiments available. They all seem to really enjoy excess condiments for some reason.

3. Telling the truth is overrated. So is lying.

4. People unaware of and/or completely uninterested in geography and history are the biggest assholes you’ll ever meet. Not surprisingly, many of these people can be found in New York City

5. While in the streets, beware of Black men with dirty shoes, Black women with their first names displayed anywhere on their bodies, White women wearing any clothing that can be purchased at Rainbow, and White men rocking fatigues for any reason whatsoever.

6. Making fun of yourself first gives you a free pass to make fun of anyone else without feeling bad

7. It’s okay to make faces at the phone and scream to yourself after leaving a painfully awkward voicemail. Under no circumstances is it ever okay to call back.

8. Elitists are idealists with character

9. Don’t believe the cliches: Some people are much better people than other people, some people don’t deserve happiness, and, although there is someone for everyone, sometimes the world would be better off if they never met.

10. There is absolutely no correlation between “total number of tats” and “relaxed sexual standards.” On a completely unrelated note, it’s okay to lie about things like this if you’re trying not to offend a woman with multiple tattoos who happens to read your blog, especially if you’re trying to sleep with her.

11. Never trust a Hispanic latina/latino who doesn’t have at least a slight “Hispanic” “latina/latino” accent.

12. Two woman fist fighting over a man only accomplishes one thing: Letting everyone present know that this man can f*ck either of them whenever he wants to. Subsequently, if two men are fist-fighting over a woman, there’s at least a 97 percent chance that she’ll be sleeping with someone else within two months.

13. Every pessimist staunchly believes that they’re just realists. This is why most pessimists become drunks.

14. Don’t get disgusted with yourself if an unexpected person pops up in your fantasy. Enjoy it. It’s your fantasy and shit. They’re there for a reason.

15. The only time it’s okay to have an umbrella is if you’re wearing a suit. If suitless, just man the f*ck up and get wet.

16. If a cat is watching you have sex, make sure not to change positions until they walk away.

17. Grown-ups who say things like “high school will be the best time of your life” have shitty lives, and aren’t to be asked anything other than “Do you have that in extra large?”

18. You can have too many friends, but you can never have too many remotes.

19. People will only laugh at your jokes if they like you or want you to think that they like you.

20. You are a speck of dirt on the asscrack of time. A quarter of a splinter on a trillion mile long finger. A collection of dust, dirt, star afterbirth, and cake batter. Basically, you are not special. At all. But, do what you can to hold on to and take care of the person/people who thinks that I’m wrong.

I think I’ll stop at 20. Anything else you’d add to the list?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
Today, Wednesday, June 27, come hang out at the Penthouse Pool Club on U Street (didn’t even know this existed did you) from 7-10pm and get free food and free X-Rated Fusion liquor. Panama will be there hanging out and this is an invite only affair. You must RSVP and it gets you admittance for yourself and one person. Yeah, it’s that kind of affair. So peep the flyer, RSVP, and he’ll see you today for a cool ninja extravaganza. With free stuff. (This is not a VSB event btw, just an event that a VSB will be at.)