two weeks ago, i outlined six signs that you’ve fallen into the friend zone, a detailed look at that infamous “coitus-less abyss” where women take pleasure in turning unsuspecting men into eunuchs.

it’s common knowledge that women employ this tactic, intentionally turning their jolly wetwets to janky wet blankets, to vet and hopefully discourage uninspiring and uninteresting potential mates, but whats not so common knowledge is the fact that…

…men do it too.

***please re-read this last sentence for ultimate clarity and resonance***

***done yet? ok***

thing is, while there’s one easily perceptible tell to see if a guy’s been friend zoned-ed (“are they f*cking?”), the signs of a woman being friend zoned are much more subtle, mainly because a man can sleep with and even be in a relationship with a woman he’s placed there.

with this in mind, i’ve decided to share six signs that a woman’s been friend zoned, a phenomenon i’ve coined “close bus syndrome” (cbs)

why cbs, you ask? well, it describes what happens when you’re waiting for a bus for a while, and just end up catching a bus that might deliver you somewhere close to your destination. instead of waiting on the bus you really want, you decide to take the close bus because you’re tired of standing and want to ride something…anything.

when women have been friend zoned, they represent the  “close buses”, being taken for rides by men who don’t even sit down cause they’re bracing themselves to jump off at any moment.

so, without further ado, here’s six signs you’ve been close-bused

1. you only see him when he’s ***fill in the blank***

drunk. tired. horny. sleepy. hungry. dead from clubbing. broke. dopey. sneezy. bashful.

basically, if the adjective that fills in the blank sounds like it could be the name of one of the seven dwarfs, you’ve officially been close-bused.

2. you’ve never met any of his friends. not one. you haven’t even met his neighbors, co-workers, pets, or favorite panera bread waitor. in fact, you’re not even fully convinced that you’re not the only person on the planet who knows that this dude exists.

guys like to show off women they’re interested in and in relationships with, for two reasons:

1. this is our way of saying to the world “guess who i’m f*cking?? jealous, aint you???”. crass, yeah, but its science and sh*t, and, like the champ, science is never wrong.

2. to vet

if you’ve been seeing a guy for a decent amount of time, and you still havent met any of his people, he’s either hiding you because he thinks he’d catch a beastiality charge if people knew you were sleeping together, or he figures that you’re not important enough to vet because you’ll be gone soon anyway.

3. he’s seemingly never happy to see you.

the close bus look of disgust starts early

basically, if he makes a face like an infant with gas everytime he sees you or you attempt to discuss plans, i wouldn’t start picking out the names of those grandchildren yet

4. he speaks to you with the exact same voice inflection and tone he uses when playing madden with his boys

even if its subconscious, most guys will change their tone and speech patterns a bit when speaking to a woman theyre interested in, even if its changing “niggas” to “nigras” or dropping the f-bomb once every 50 words instead of once every 10.

if you’re his close bus, you’re probably his “nigga” too, but not in the awww-inducing “she’s my road dawg, man. my nigga” sense but in the “nigga, go make me some grits, nigga!” sense.

5. you were a consolation prize

if a man makes a serious, “there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that i’m interested in this chick” play for one of your girls, sisters, cousins, co-workers, parole officers, etc…and gets thoroughly and publicily rejected, there’s no way in hell he’s going to ever look at you as anything but a consolation prize, and consolations prizes get close-bused.

i guess the only way to avoid this ever happening is to have ummm, “aesthetically belligerent” friends and sisters

6.  he doesn’t care

although we love to feign nonchalance, because it makes us seem cool and cool men get laid, we do actually care about the sh*t that ya’ll do…if we care about you, lol. if not? hmmmm…

….if  “i’m moving next week”, “i think i’m gonna cut my hair like tong po in “kickboxer”, and “i think i lost my citizenship” are all met with the same lazy shrug and half-hearted “damn…thats messed up” as he looks up from his carpet, maybe its time to re-think those joint lease plans

so, vsb…am i right, or am i right?

—the champ