Season 4 of “The Wire” and The Rest of The Best Things…Ever

just seeing those shirts makes me all verklempt

I first heard about “The Wire”—the best television show in the history of history—in the summer of 2003. I was at a family reunion and overheard my cousins Chad and Michael—both cops—raving about this new HBO show set in Baltimore. Since cop taste is kind of strange (trust me), I didn’t pay them much attention, but the show seemed intriguing enough to store in the back of my mental Rolodex.

Several months later, my closest friend (the one referenced in this post) starting bugging me about the show, except his words were less “hey, this is a great show. you should watch it some time” than “you’re a dumbass if you don’t watch this f*cking show”. I finally relented, caught up with back episodes (Seasons 1 and 2 had already aired, so I had to either watch them OnDemand or rent them from Blockbuster. I honestly don’t remember which), and fell in love.

Without going into much detail (or giving away any spoilers), “The Wire” was a show so comprehensive, so panoramic, so unique, and so compelling that “The Wire” diehards don’t have favorite lines, favorite scenes, and favorite seasons, we have “favorite instances of Bodie spitting“, “favorite arrangements of the show’s theme song“, and “favorite names for heroin” (my personal favorite? “WMD”)

Ok. I just lied. Season 4 of ‘The Wire” was undoubtedly, unquestionably, and undisputedly (is this a word?) my favorite (and the favorite of most Wire watchers). Not only is it the best single season of any American, British, Spanish, French, Canadian, or Aboriginal television show ever aired, it just might be the single best thing that’s ever happened on Earth. Season 4 of “The Wire” is better than sliced bread, the pyramids, Kenya Moore, the entire South American continent, the Vatican, the theory of relativity, the Old Testament, Bet Uncut, Chick-fil-A, every sport except American football and NBA basketball, you, me between the ages of 26 to 28, the entire Spring season, Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair, missionary sex, drunk missionary sex, warm socks in the winter, black women with French accents, your mom’s fried chicken, my dad’s steak marinade, and the cotton gin. God rested on the 7th day because he needed some time to catch up with season 4 of “The Wire”. If I were single and season 4 of “The Wire” were a woman, I would literally drink her bathwater…after she just ran a marathon…while on her period. (I know)

Anyway, with all the time we spend talking about things we hate, guilty pleasures, overrated shit, underrated shit, and just plain ol shit, I figured I’d devote today to The Best Things…Ever, and here’s a few more.

The Best Five Song Stretch on Any Hip-Hop Album…Ever? All Falls Down“, “Spaceship“, “Jesus Walks“, “Never Let Me Down“, and “Get ‘Em High” from Kanye West’s “The College Dropout”

While I don’t believe “The College Dropout” was a top 15 hip-hop album as a whole (Why? Well, the album fades a bit in the second half. The 8 minutes of Ye speak at the end of the album doesn’t help either), you will not find another stretch of great songs back to back to back t0 back to back on any hip-hop album, ever.

The Best White Stand-Up Comedian…Ever? Louis C.K.

If you’ve never heard of him, goggle him, trust me when I tell you he’s better than anyone you’d list here instead of him—and that includes George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison, Dennis Miller, Richard Jeni, Dana Carvey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Rodney Dangerfield—and watch his show.

The Best Unexplained Phenomenona…Ever? The Squirting Female Orgasm

I’ve been trying to think of another entity on the planet perfectly analogous to the squirt, and I keep coming back to the same thing: The Devil.

Seriously, think about it: Like the Devil, some people deny the squirt even exists. Like the Devil, some people have claimed to have seen it, but were fooled (she just peed on you, dog). Like the Devil, men will run to and give praise to God once they see definite proof of its existance. And, like the Devil, it can influence a man to do some really freaky shit. 

The Best Thing To Do If You’re in Pittsburgh and It’s Past 3am on The Weekend and You Just Left The Club But You Don’t Want To Go Home Yet…Ever? Go to the Eat ‘N Park all night breakfast buffet in Squirrel Hill

So what if the fruit is 27 days old, the eggs taste like they’re from chipmunks instead of chickens, and the bacon is softer than Brett Farve’s dick, Eat ‘N Park’s the place for smiles, sobering up, recounting the night, shaking your head at scantily clad 17 year olds out waaaaaay past their bedtime, and, well, pretending to be starving when you just want an excuse to extend the night with your crew.

The Best Season of a College Football Player…Ever? Charlie Ward, Florida State University, 1993

***Also wins the title for “The Best College Football Quarterback…Ever” and “The Recipient of The Best Body-Slam of a Soft-Spoken, Pass-First, Christian Point Guard…Ever

The Best Male on Female Pick-Up Approach…Ever? The “Bait and Bounce”

Only to be done with someone you see on a semi-regular basis (you catch the same train to work, you frequent the same coffee shop, you belong to the same crocheting class, etc), the Bait and Bounce occurs when you see this person of interest, confidently walk up to them, introduce yourself, give them a sincere compliment—one implying you’ve noticed them before (ie: “I just wanted to tell you that you have the most endearing laugh. See, there it is again”), and walk away. Don’t even ask her name.

If she has even the slightest inkling of interest in you, the next time you see each other, she’ll probably do (smile) or say (introduce herself) something inviting, and you’re on your own from there.

***9:10am EDIT***

The Best Video Vixen…Ever? Esther Baxter

While others—Melissa Ford, Gloria Velez, Supahead, Vida Guerra—might have had bigger names, and others—Ki-Toy Johnson in the “I Like The Way You Move” video—might have had bigger “DAMN!” moments, Baxter has something none of the rest of these women do: 100 percent authenticity. No implants, no booty injections, no botox, just plain old-fashioned brickhousedness perfection.

The Best Crossover Dribble…Ever? Tim Hardaway, Golden State Warriors (Before the ACL Tear)

Tim Hardaway’s “UTEP Two Step”—a lightning fast right-to-left between the legs dribble, quickly followed by a lightning faster left-to-right crossover—was a violent deity, a Sun God sent from the sky to rid the Earth of misplaced pride, ankle ligaments, and Chris Mullin’s alcohol dependency. I’m not too ashamed to admit I think I may have had my first orgasm when watching him repeatedly completely decimate Byron Scott in a (1992?) Warriors vs Lakers game I’d pay at least $500 dollars for a copy of right now.

Runner ups: Allen Iverson (during his second year at Georgetown), Steve Francis (until whatever the hell happened to him…happened), and Ronald “Flip” Murray (Trust me)

***Also, special notice goes to incoming Duke freshman Kyrie Irving, who may do the impossible task of actually having me root for Duke this upcoming season. ***

Best Book That Actually Made Me Jealous I Didn’t Write It First…Ever?Killing Yourself To Live” by Chuck Klosterman

Anyway, that’s enough of my Best Things…Ever (although I might make a couple edits during the day and add a few), what are some of yours? What people, places, and things do you consider to be The Best…Ever?

—The Champ