Tag Archives: stripper

nothing but the truth

Posted on by
299

ostrich

imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.

but, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week (you just got demoted at work for a monkey. not a figurative monkey either. your boss decided that placing a real, live monkey in your old position would be more productive than keeping you there. and, after a couple of days, you realized that he was right. plus, you’re a redskins fan, and the monkey oddly favors jason campbell), an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.

yet, there’s no residual damage (std’s, torn hamstrings, m.s.c.s.r.’s¹ etc), no evidence (the blind stripper is afflicted with the same condition as guy pierce in memento, a fact which made them a quite sympathetic lay), and, most importantly, absolutely no chance that you’ll ever do it again. you’re happy, you have no need or desire to ever step out of your relationship again, the thought of what you did fills you with guilt and regret, and there’s no chance that your wife will ever find out on her own.²

usually, this is the part of the blog where i’d ask the women of vsb some open-ended question about honesty and full-disclosure and whether they’d want their significant others to divulge that information to them, while ending my query with some theory about what your answer really says about you.

and, i was actually planning on doing exactly that, until i realized that the vast majority of you all would probably just end up saying some variant of “actually, sometimes its best not to know everything. i wouldn’t want to know“…and you’d be right

although the idea of choosing to be willfully ignorant initially wouldn’t sit too well with most of you, you’d eventually realize that your naiveté is actually the most optimal and rewarding solution in this situation, considering the unique circumstances. there’s really no good reason to be made aware of this info. “plus”, you’d be thinking to yourself, “his guilty conscience would be his punishment, no need to upset myself about it too.”, and this would be a perfectly mature and pragmatic response

but…what if the stripper was a man?

¹ miscelleaneous strip club skunky residue
² filing entire entry under “topics men currently in relationships probably shouldn’t blog about, for obvious reasons“, and by “men currently in relationships”, i mean “i”

—the champ

and the winner is…

Posted on by
96

“hey champ…”

the anonymous questioner from platonic shmetonic asked yesterday in an email,

“…why do all the bad boys and urban models stripper-types always seem to get all the spoils? is there any hope for the good guy and the nice girl? are we forever doomed??”

i wanted to write back “of course not“, but, in reality, when every man with a voicebox wants a stripper, every black women wants a thug, and even the churchgoingest “baddest chick in the game” marries a former drug dealer, that would have been an outright lie.

“good” guys and “nice” girls have become the proverbial red-headed retarded step children of american culture, dropped and dismissed, disgraced and defeated, discarded and defrocked . regardless of where you look, there’s concrete proof that they also consistently get the short end of the romantic stick. it’s always been true, and will probably always continue to be. these facts are inescapable, like anton chigurh or a timely case of public transit bubble guts, right?

right?

wait…right?

wrong.

other than the greeting card, theres no bigger ongoing scam in american culture than the idea that truly good guys and girls finish “last” romantically.

i have myriad facts to prove my claim, but for the sake of time and space, i’ll only dive into one

a faulty definition of “first”

we have to re-examine this definition of “first”, because if all the good people are finishing last, someone has to be “first”, right? well, if you define “first” as “getting more attention from the opposite sex, and appearing to have more dates and/or prospects“, then yes, maybe those with a bit more of an edge, a bit more swagger, a bit more potential danger, and a bit more superficial sex appeal finish “first” more often.

thing is, if bagging more chicks or scamming more dudes into taking you to ihop is your definition of “first”, then maybe you’re really not all that “good” of a person anyway!!

but, if by finishing “first” you mean “having more success finding sincere and loving and compatible mates, and sustaining positive romantic relationships“, then i couldn’t stress “no” strong enough. everybody, regardless of their status and disposition, has difficulty finding this, and i’d even argue that the “not-good” guys and urban models bad girls have the most difficulty, because of the never-ending game and ubiquitous trust issues that come along with that territory and leave them perpetually bitter and jaded.

maybe they won’t win the first couple of sprints, but in the marathon of life, i’ll put my money on the good guy and the nice girl to finish “first”. maybe that trophy at the end won’t be exactly what they desired, but it aint all about the “trophy” though, is it?

—the champ