“hey guys my name’s “…….”, and I was wondering if you could help me out with something. i really want to date more black girls but I’ve always had alot of trouble attracting them. I’ve gotten much better at talking to girls than I was as a freshmen (now a senior) but this has made me more attractive to every type of girl other than the ones i actually want to date.

despite a few experiences, I’m still more interested in them than all the other girls combined. I hope you guys can help”

the quoted text is a portion of a hilariously naive and surprisingly sincere (seriously) letter emailed to us yesterday. although i was tempted to dismiss him with some snarky reply about black women being prone to the same tendencies and sudden bouts of being bipolar synonymous with most women, i had to admit that the kid has a case.

while every sista obviously has her own unique likes and dislikes, there are a few rules and mores to remember when dealing with them that probably aren’t as universally applicable with non-black women. this isn’t an attempt to pigeonhole as much as it’s just one of the unique things that make african-american women the bangingest on the planet and the most maddening to deal with

anyway, to answer my man’s question, here’s eight things to remember that will help you attract a black woman

1. make it known that you’re genuinely interested in and attracted to black women

there are myriad ways to do this, but the easiest is to just find a group of black women somewhere and let them overhear you make a disparaging comment about a “typically attractive” non-black woman while matter-of-factly lauding the looks of a sista who doesn’t fit the usual american standard of beauty. (ie: “eh. megan fox is overrated. they need to stop playing and cast my girl jilly from philly in transformers 3“)

if this doesn’t work, just talk sh*t about taye diggs

2. care about what you wear

while you don’t have to go all farnsworth on us, its important to know that the grunge/grimy look probably isn’t going to go over too well, especially if she thinks your eight year old etonic rocking ass is going to dirty her carpet. also, remember that their beautifully oversized nostrils makes them particularly susceptible to a strong scent cologne game, so act accordingly.

3. don’t be scared to show your inner stringer bell

i’m not suggesting that you build a drug empire while taking business courses on the side and b*tching abut “40 degree days”, but remember that even the sidditiest sista appreciates an educated guy who shows that he’s not uncomfortable occasionally visiting the hood during the day and dealing with hood phenomena.

4. make sure to compliment her hair whenever you can, especially if she’s darker skinned then you are. if she’s fair-skinned, find a way to compliment her “blackness” and “realness”. if you’re the same complexion, just pretend that she’s darker

***by the way, if she invites you to actually touch and play with her hair, she wants to have your babies***

5. be a little crazy.

while all women are impressed by a man who can protect them, projecting an understated sense of subtle iwishan*ggawouldness is a black woman’s kryptonite. seriously, pull this off and you’ll be swimming in more black thongs than scott storch.

although this can be difficult to project, i’ve found that slightly raising your head, holding eye contact, and smirking when faced with adversity usually does the trick. if this doesn’t work, just start repeating yourself when frustrated, but make sure your voice gets slower and lower each time (ie; “where’s my pepper? i asked you to bring me pepper. where’s my pepper? i’m not going to ask for my pepper again”)

6. make sure that at least one of her girlfriends is attracted to you. not “thinks you’re attractive”, but “would sleep with you if given the opportunity”

there are benefits to the whole “not enough good men” mindset permeating the black community. this is one of them

7. belong to something

whether its a fraternity, church, civic organization, or the crips, for whatever reason black women seem to be genuinely enthralled by men who belong to some type of group. if i had the time, i’d figure out exactly why, but i’m pretty sure it has something to do with frankie lymon

8. have an appreciation for gospel and/or 70′s soul music

if you don’t actually appreciate gospel and/or 70′s soul music, you can fake it by shaking your head and making a “they don’t make music like they used to” or “couldn’t nobody sang like mahalia jackson, boy” comment whenever any contemporary music is heard.

if its beyonce, just roll your eyes. and spit.

people of vsb.com, what say you: do you think there’s a specific set of rules to remember to help someone attract and/or date a black woman?

if so, am i missing anything?

—the champ