Pulling Out Really Is An Option

“Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire/write the check before the baby comes, who the hell cares?” ~50 Cent, “I Get Money”

This nword....sheesh.

This nword….sheesh.

I care actually. People care my dude!

And so does Stevie J. Stevie J, of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta fame, has a child support bill outstanding of $1 million dollars.

A motherf*cking million.

I know he has a gang of kids, but I can’t even fathom owing that much money in back child support. Do you know how many payments he didn’t make to get to that point?

And he ain’t Diddy or Russell Simmons or hell, even Nas. They miss a years worth of payments and they’re in the quarter million range. Stevie J ain’t one of them dudes. Some famous rappers are paying like $2K and $3K a month. I’m saying, Stevie missed a lot of payments.

Allegedly – and based on Internet research I’ve done – he has 6 kids. Not an overly insane amount but way too many if you are behind that much on child support. And with 6 kids, they weren’t all ooops babies either. My man just likes running raw and NOT pulling out. And pulling out is totally an option.

Let’s switch gears for a second. I gave up sex for a while back when I was like 26. My reason? Well it had nothing to do with getting right with God or trying to prove to myself that I could abstain. My logic was simple: at that age, I figured if I got some chick pregnant, she was going to keep it. And I wasn’t ready to be a father. While I may have been financially able to do it, I just wasn’t mentally there and I didn’t want to end up in court with some insane child support bill if things didn’t work out. Even with protection I was afraid of getting a woman pregnant. Even right now I’m not sure why I was so afraid of that but it was a real fear.

Of course, like all well thought out plans, I started dating a woman and when I told her that I was abstaining, she absolutely looked at me like I was crazy and was like, “yeah, not gon’ happen…” Seriously have you tried to tell a woman that is active that you’re trying to date that you won’t give her the 1-900-STROKEYDOKE? She’s just not having it. At all. It’s like they feel you, but they’re not here for it. They don’t think its cute nor do they support it. Which is what happened to me. Luckily I didn’t get her pregnant but we always used El Jimenezes. Always.

Now, I won’t even pretend to lie to you and tell you that I’ve always used protection. I haven’t.

But thoughts of million dollar child support payments would dance through my skull and my body would indicate to me, hey pal, you should probably pull out and fire with your eyes closed; this may end terribly. And if I were to make a choice not to it would be a mutual decision based on a labrinth and matrix of decision trees and facts on the table.

Forget the mutual decision though. In that moment, I know full well the potential consequences. We all had sex ed of some sort. Perhaps yours happened in class or maybe you got yours in the School of Hard Knocks by watching your mother close enough to realize that you “don’t want her laaife!” <— Mox Rules. Point is, somewhere along the way, I was smart enough to make a smart decision even while making a dumb one. Or at least a less than smart decision. We all know that much like anything else, the pull out method is about as effective as condoms if done properly. Use condoms people.

Real question time, and I mean this from the heart. Not that it’s smart but I get why so many men prefer to run raw. But why are so many women SO good with it? My experience has taught me that women tend to bring up the raw shenanigans earlier than men. Again, my experiences. Maybe you all have different experiences…I’m just saying, I’ve never suggested it. Ever. It’s been suggested to me…a lot. Then again, latex allergies are real and its as expensive to smash with a lamb or non-latex joint so I can almost understand. Almost.

From a guy standpoint, I really don’t understand why we do that if we ain’t ready to deal with the consequences. And I don’t want to hear jack sh*t about how unfair the system is. Yeah, I feel you. I know. Preaching to the choir. But it is what it is. You create one, you have to take care of one. Deal with it. Thing is, you actually can avoid those problems should you decide that you just HAVE to run raw by busting on her shoulder blades or something. Or elsewhere for the advanced egalitarians in the room.

Stevie J looks like the type to never pull out. He also seems like the type to try to talk you into raw from jump…AND not pull out. Most guys hate the idea of child support and a system designed to run your pockets. Yeah, okay. But you don’t have to be Stevie J. You actually control your own destiny in this regard…and yet, so many dudes out here having babies they weren’t read for.

So real talk, real question for the fellas this time…why exactly wouldn’t you pull out? Why would you be like, “you know what? We just met, I’m sure its cool.” People like Stevie J don’t because well they have money coming from somewhere though a milli suggests his well went dry years ago…but at least they have this life they think they can maintain…but for regular dudes…why risk it?? Serious question…why risk it at all if you ain’t ready to be a pappy? And let’s not all pretend like we NEVER do this. Or its never happened.

Really, I just wanted to write MILLION DOLLAR CHILD SUPPORT and I ended up writing a PSA and questionnaire. Bone responsibly, people. <—TSHIRT!


How To Avoid The Stevie Js Of The World

[I just heard that news that Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross died. RIP homey. Jump.]

If you see this man ladies, run. Run like the wind. Run like your life depended on it.

If you see this man ladies, run. Run like the wind. Run like your life depended on it.

I consider myself to be somewhat of a Black pop culture maven (BPCM). I’m not even sure what maven means, but I do know I used it properly in that sentence. I also know somebody named Mavis. No staple.

Well being the BPCM that I am, I spend an inordinate amount of time watching shows that Black Twitter watches. This includes all of the shows in the Ratchet Roundup (Love & Hip-Hop, Basketball Chicks, Real Live In Girlfriends, Say No To That Girlfriend, Pull Over That Ass To Phat, etc). Surprisingly, I do not watch Scandal and have only seen a few episodes in their entirety. I can’t reconcile this with my ratchetry except to point out that I f*cking rock and if you know like I know, you don’t want to step to this. It’s the PJ era, funked out with a gangsta twist.

For those who haven’t seen LHH:ATL, I can’t decide if I feel like you’ve made all the right choices in life or if you’ve missed the boat. Maybe you’ve done both. “Maybe” was a good song. But either way, if you haven’t seen it, one of the central characters is Stevie J aka Sleazy J of Hitmen (Bad Boy) fame. He produced “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” for Biggie and several other huge (seriously huge) hits for Bad Boy. He and his on-again-off-again girlfriend Mimi have a daughter together. He also has a relationship with a Dominican chick named Josaline Hernandez who most people would have sworn was a man in the beginning of the first series.

But this isn’t a show recap. And this ain’t funny so don’t you dare laugh, but Stevie J might be THE worst kind of man out there on the planet. When women are talking about men that are terrible, they’re talking about men like Stevie J. He’s stereotypically all of the worst facets of manhood (short of his parenting, I have no idea what kind of father he is…by all accounts Mimi has nothing negative to say about his involvement and love for his daughter): he’s a liar, he’s a cheater, he’s the ultimate opportunist, he’s selfish, he’s condescending, he’s emotional, he’s conniving, he makes rat faces, he literally just watches as the ship sinks then gets off as it heads towards the bottom for another ship while the other patrons die. He’s the kind of man that every man with a daughter will encourage her to avoid.

Only because we see Stevie J weekly can most people (read: women) say they’d never date a man like him. But people like him are extremely personable and they tug at women’s heart strings. They come through with gifts. They’re all about the short con and see everything solely through their own eyes.

You know something is wrong when Benzino of Made Men and Almight RSO fame is the voice of reason. Yes, Benzino, is on television spitting realness and truth to Stevie telling him that he needs to change his ways and stop being so selfish. But that’s what it all comes down to. Stevie J is the most selfish man on the planet. He’s so selfish that even men don’t f*ck with him. Do you know how selfish you have to be to make another man stop f*cking with you?

So here are some tips to avoiding men like Stevie J and saving yourself the most severe and painful heartache EVER:

1. If a man ALWAYS sounds like he’s trying to game you, then he probably is…

If I thought Stevie J owned any books, I’d believe he’s spent as much time reading up on game as Obsidian. Everything Stevie says sounds like he’s conning you and giving you half the story. EVERYTHING.

2. Once you feel like a man is trying to game you, be prepared to be taken for all of the emotional capital you have to give…

You know what sucks about bad love? It’s exhausting. It drains your soul and your spirit. Ladies, men will drain you for everything you have and test your entire mettle so that you can see what kind of woman you really are. I have a lot of sisters. A lot. I’ve seen them go through so many levels of Tyler Perry’s hell its almost made me cry (and get a gun). However, they’ve all risen like Maya Angelou in an elevator. But they did lose in the process. A lot of winning involves loss. Remember that. And all loss ain’t just sacrifice. Stevie will take your cookies then expect you to make more so he can take those too.

3. Read the signs. A man’s face will tell you a whole hell of a lot.

I think 99 percent of women are crazy. I truly do. But only 50 percent of that crazy results in actions that are possibly illegal. But a man who has hit his crazy level, that is some scary sh*t. Some men can’t take it when they don’t get their way. It burns because their life is built around controlling everybody like pawns. Entire subgenres of Black movies are built around this premise. Men who snap because their will is not done. God complex having ninjas will tow that line on occasion. God is the giver of life and free will. A man who feels this way will attempt to prove to you he has those abilities.

4. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times…you’re in it forever.

Learn when to cut your losses. This really goes for men and women. But people who can’t seem to do right no matter how many chances and who continue to improve on their f*cktasticness, well, learn the lesson. Let them go. If it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine then it doesn’t take the end of your life to realize that you’re dealing with some bullsh*t. Learn to move on.

So what are other ways to notice that a woman (or a man for that matter) is dating Stevie J? Help the people out.


A Recap of The First Episode of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta

Let me just say upfront, Rodney King did not die for Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta to exist and set…something or somebody back…at least 2,000 years. But that happened. So I figured the least I could do is discuss things that stood out about what could quite possibly be the worst thing to happen to Black culture since cigarillos and Chief Keef. What follows is my chronological recap that didn’t happen minute-by-minute but over time of the first episode of Love & HipHop Atlanta.

-Five minutes into this show and I’m already over the Blackness. So, Sleazy J aka Stevie J buys his woman a house in the sticks only to tell her that he needs to “get this money” – a phrase that has likely done more damage to the Black community than ‘pimps up, hoes down’. She’s been with him for over 15 years. These ninjas have some seriously long term relationships. They should stop that.

-And Lil Scrappy is this seasons…Fabolous? That’s not a compliment by the way. Scrappy is not a celebrity by the way. At least not really outside of I-285. By the way, in the legion of Black women’s names, why is Erica/Erika/Ericka so damn popular. Why are there so many black women named Erica? I need a Congressional commision on this.

-Who in the F*CK is this K. Michelle broad? Sure she can sing, but why should she be actively involved in my life is what I’m asking. Interestingly enough, if you were to do a study on “hood chicks that can sing”, I’m fairly certain we could populate Israel or one of those other random ass countries in the Middle East and get the whole Greek drachma situation settled. Does that make any sense whatsoever? No. None at all. But that’s whats happened thus far since I’ve been watching this show. Despite the fact that nothing totally ratchet has happened, I’m all of a sudden feeling less…educated. And these people are in my city. I think I’m in DC for the long haul folks.

-Less than 20 minutes in and we already have tears of “you deserve better” courtesy of the best friend Ariane. She’s definitely A-town with her big ass “A” necklace. I don’t think we Atlantans think that other people understand our lingo since so many folks get their names tatted or necklaced all over the place. Oh yeah…the crying best friend. Over it.

-So let me get this right, Stevie J is a pimp? What part of the game is that. Oh, apparently he f*cks this chick Joseline’s brain. That’s new. Go Stevie. When the f*ck did Stevie J become “that n*gga”? Do ANY women reading even know who he is outside of Eve?  This is a problem for me. Mostly because I feel like Puffy is laughing his arse off while he cashes checks for work Stevie J used to do.

-Can we put a moratorium on cracked out mommas receiving airtime please? Seriously people. White people are watching. This is not looking good for us. Lil Scrappy, I’m looking at you and your momma.

-So, these chicks out here apparently have a rough time. K.Michelle, I feel you boo. The Clipse weren’t f*cking with Jive either remember? “…we’re sorry to the fans but them crackas wasn’t playing fair at Jive…” <—- we know the deal boo.

-Yo, I forgot how loud Black folks are in Atlanta. Momma Dee and Erica are so ATL, I almost shed a tear and got homesick. Until I realized that I might run into them ninjas. Again, I’m good in DC. By the way, if I found out that my momma was a pimp, I’d probably go and find Jesus again. Real spit.

-I’m struggling with Stevie J being considered the “pimp-player”. I really am. This is the MOST relevant he’s been since the 90s. They scraped the bottom of the barrel for this show.

-Women are stupid. Mimi needs to get her life together. This just proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that some women just refuse to accept that the man they chose isn’t good for them. Some of you all would rather be wrong forever than admit that you made a mistake. Mimi is living proof. Word to Lil Dap.

-Okay, this meeting with Karlie Reed, Josaline, Stevie J and Antonio Reed is exactly why everybody thinks that the music industry is a sham. These ninjas are…I hope that every kid watching realizes that they need to to got college. That’s all I’m going to say. Viva la college.

-Is this chick K. Michelle wearing Ewoks on her feet? I have a problem with this.

- I have a homeboy who thinks that Soul Plane set Black people like 100 years. That’s blatantly not true. But just in this first episode of Love and HipHop Atlanta, I feel like we may have lost at least 12 years. Yes, this episode took us back to 2000.

-So Stevie J might be the STUPIDEST man on the planet. He brings his jumpoff around his baby mama, tries to play the baby mama, ONLY to piss off his jumpoff at the same time who is trying to stay in her lane but catching feelings like STDs at a Lenny Kravitz concert.

-Yo, where the f*ck is this broad Joseline from? And why can’t she say “fur”? This perplexes me. I’d like to apologize to you all for watching this and subjecting to you this recap. But it’s been as hard for me as it was for anybody reading this.

-Fellas, word to big bird, if you EVER have the choice to make between your girl and the jumpoff/artist you’re working with RIGHT after an argument with your girl happens…ALWAYS tend to home, my n*gga. ALWAYS tend to home first. I may not be perfect, but that’s one mistake I know I’d NEVER make.

This ends this recap. I will never do this again. This was painful. I’m sorry. Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta might be too much for me to ever watch again. I never knew a true definition of the word “ratchet” until I watched this show. I’m done.

Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta, you broke Panama Jackson.

Annnnnnnd I’m spent.