The Differences Between Northern Blacks And Southern Blacks

If you can guess where this pic was taken, I'll give you...nothing. Because it's an easy f*cking answer

If you can guess where this pic was taken, I’ll give you…nothing. Because it’s an easy f*cking answer

(A timely blast from the VSB past. Happy Friday.) 

Question of the day: Aside from accents and the always hilarious soda vs pop battle (it’s #teampop all the way, bitch), are there any other behaviors, characteristics, and mores separating Blacks from the north and Blacks from the south?

(Oh, and just to be clear, although the south technically starts once you pass the Mason-Dixon line, I’m going to throw the entire DMV — well, the entire DMV except for the backwoods of Virginia where they breed 400 pound rottweilers and things named “Marcus Vick“ — in with the north.)

This is (obviously) a rhetorical question. Why? Well, OF COURSE there are intraracial regional differences. The only thing left is what I plan to do today — determine exactly what these differences are.

Oh, and before I continue, there’s a couple things I want to add:

1. This “determination” will be completely anecdotal. I’ve done no studies, surveyed no people, and slept with no cousins to understand what it’s like to be from Mississippi. These are just observations I’ve made, that’s all.

2. I realize that limiting this to northern and southern Blacks leaves out midwestern Blacks, west coast Blacks, northwestern Blacks, and n*ggas from Youngstown. If you’re a member of one of those neglected populations, please feel free to add your own observations in the comments.

Anyway, let’s begin.

Southern Blacks are more likely to…

…attend HBCUs, be Greek, attend church, be Baptist, have stupid-ass names that are hybrid combinations of other names (i.e.: “DeLadariusray Jenkins”), get married at a younger age, get married at all, buy expensive American cars, buy cheap-ass American cars and put $35,000 worth of added expense in them, know their fathers, hate White people but date and/or marry interracially, be killed by White rednecks, coordinate outfits, have happier, more fulfilling lives, eat everything on a pig except its eyeballs and anus, buy Steve Harvey books, look like Steve Harvey, be colorstruck and not realize that being colorstruck is a bad thing, breed better women, rock braids/cornrows/locks (the men, at least), be provincial, be socially conservative, be unpretentious, have children, and be generally better people.

On the other hand, northern Blacks seem to be more likely to…

…attend PWIs, scoff at HBCUs while secretly wishing they had decided to attend one instead of paying 75 grand a year to attend some bullsh*t liberal arts college in Poughkeepsie, New York, be anything (Muslim, Jewish, Atheist, Laker Fan, etc) but Christian, be smart, have stupid-ass names that have absolutely no connection to anything remotely human name sounding (i.e. “Powerful Godbody Jenkins”), convince themselves that they’ve willingly chosen to stay single, buy European, be cool with white people even though they’d never actually date one, be militant, get killed by white rednecks with billy-clubs and badges, not be decedents of American slaves, rock ceasers, coordinate furniture, have better, more fulfilling lives…on paper, be more worried about how they’re perceivedread Hill Harper books, look like Hill Harper, look like someone who’d date someone who looked like Hill Harper, abstain from pork for no apparent reason, be staunchly liberal and close-minded at the exact same time, be somewhat lame, but migrate to the south and be the sh*t down there, be professional and promiscuous, live generally “better” lives.

Did I miss anything?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Kinda Sorta But Not Really Movie Review: Think Like A Man

Let me start out by saying this first and foremost: I was not paid to do this. At all. Not even for any of the tweets that I sent out in support of the campaign for this movie. I just wanted to get all of that out of the way before we get started. Yes, I was actually compelled to do this from my soul.

Okay?

Okay.

I was invited (along with all of the 50-and-over crowd in DC) to a screening of Think Like A Man, the movie based on the book of almost the same name Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey was there as was Michael Ealy. I was actually on a panel at Howard University with Michael Ealy earlier in the day along with Jasmine from The Jasmine Brand. That was fun. That’s one of the fun parts of this whole successful blogger schtick, you randomly get chose to be apart of cool and interesting things with famous people that get hundreds of women to line up for 75 slots.

On to the movie. I know you all won’t believe this, but…

…it was a really really good movie. Like, it was actually good. As in the type of movie that is well worth you shelling out money to go see. I went into it skeptical as all hell because well, it’s Steve Harvey and its based on a book where a man constantly refers to the box as “the cookie”. And yes, that did come up in the movie numerous times. But you know how we keep waiting for a Black romantic comedy that is worth seeing?

Believe it or not, Steve Harvey is the one who delivered it to us. Not only is it hilarious, but its extremely well written and get this…I actually FELT Meagan Good’s character. She did a really good job of acting in this movie. No more of that non-sensical non-sense we attribute to her roles. Nope. Earlier at the panel with Michael Ealy, he said that she delivered a great role in this movie. Now, I know its his job to sell the movie, but he wasn’t lying. She did a bang up job.

What made it a good movie?

Glad you asked.

For one, the VERY thing we complain about Tyler Perry movies is the lack of good, or even decent, writing. This movie was extremely well written. It was hilarious thanks in part to Kevin Hart who was literally non-stop laughs. Romany Malco (you all remember him from 40-Year-Old Virgin) was also hilarious. Those two characters alone made it worth the laughs. But wrapped underneath the comedy was a movie about relationships that not only worked but looked and felt very accurate. I know that I felt myself cringe a few times because I know I’m guilty of various mentalities and things that I saw.

Real spit, Terrence J was even entertaining to watch. And folks LOVE to clown Terrence J. And the fact that Turtle is supposed to be banging a somewhat drugged out (in a good way…ya know, educated chick who likes bong hits way) Gabrielle Union didn’t even seem out of place. It made sense. Read that again.

The interesting thing that I took from this, and I wonder if women will, is that despite what we tell you all all the time, men actually want their boys to win at love. So even when we tell our boys to do stupid stuff, we actually do hope that he finds a good woman and manages not to blow it. And that’s the case in this movie. The guys all come across as real friends who want their boys to succeed…we just keep getting caught up in man-sh*t. But at the end, what alllllllllllways happens, we find ourselves better off with a woman by our sides who does cause us to step outside of our comfort zones.

Believe it or not ladies, guys do like…and love love.

And in some kind of twisted ridiculousness, we always end up attempting to do right despite ALL of our best efforts to not do right. If we reaaaaaaally like you.

There’s something for everybody and I actually enjoyed it. Look at that, I actually enjoyed a movie that I went in expecting to hate and treat like a random Black movie. It turns out, we finally got a good romantic comedy that we can look to and watch. On purpose.

From Steve Harvey. I know…its still taking time to sink in for me too.

Point is, I think you all should go see it. And I really mean that. Even the most skeptical of us. It’s both a chick flick and a guy flick in one movie and believe it or not, it works. It’s got romance and shenanigans. Fun and folly. But above all else, relatable entertainment. Kind of like…40-Year-Old Virgin for ninjas.

Swear I didn’t get paid for this. And I still am telling you to go see it. It opens nationwide on April 20th. This ain’t a Tyler Perry movie. It’s a good movie. All the way through.

If you don’t like it you can blame me and I’ll take you to the movies some other time. But this is one Black movie I think we should all support. I’m even going to go see it again.

Panama’s Rating: 5 out of 5 Afropicks.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I SAW A STEVE HARVEY MOVIE AND I LIKED IT AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS TSHIRT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

PS: And for those interested, check out the extended cut of Episode 3 of Madame Noire’s “Ask A Black Man” featuring Panama Jackson. It’s the sex episode and home to the epic side-eye courtesy of VSB P.

Seven Reasons Why I’m Totally Not Upset About Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” Movie

1. I realize it’s blasphemous for an educated and “enlightened” black person to say this in an open space, but I don’t dislike Steve Harvey. In fact, all of my Steve Harvey-related experiences — watching his act on Def Comedy Jam, seeing him when the Kings of Comedy came to Pittsburgh, listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show in the way to work, rocking a purple suit to my middle school semi-formal, etc — have been positive ones¹. And, while I haven’t read either of his books, the excerpts I’ve seen have actually been ***ducking thunderbolts from Bentley, the black God of self-righteousness*** on point.

Even if he’s a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk, being a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk doesn’t make “waiting three months to give up the cookies” a wrong concept. Plus, lets not kid ourselves. As the questions I receive at Madame Noire each week prove, there are women who do need to hear things like “If he’s serving a life term, maybe you should consider dating other people” and “He’s probably just not that into you if you found him in bed with the Sears delivery man.

Since this is true, I can’t be mad at the upcoming “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” movie — starring Chris Brown (more on him in a sec), Michael Ealy, Gabrielle Union (What? You thought there was a chance in hell that she wasn’t going to be in this movie?), and others. Hell, I might even break my self-imposed black movie box office boycott² and buy a ticket.

2. I kind of suspect that I’m the shit. Actually, this is a lie. I’m pretty damn certain that I’m the shit, but I just need a little more evidence to cross the line from “pretty damn certain” to “100% convinced.”

Why am I bringing this up? Well, if Chris Brown is set to star in what will most likely be a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and (probable) Christian overtones in the same year that I invented a screenplay where…Chris Brown starred in a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and Christian overtones, this is all the proof I’ll need to be fully convinced that I am, indeed, the shit.

3. My two favorite tiny funny black men — Kevin Hart and Romany Malco — are in this movie, which means they might possibly reenact one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

(You know what the funniest part about this scene is? Well, the funniest part aside from “we f*ck dwarfs in the ass?” It’s not actually in the movie. This is a deleted/extended scene. In the theater version, all the gang jibberish is cut out, and Kevin Hart only has like three lines. )

4. Meagan Good has also been cast, which means that she’ll probably break the Guinness record for “Most Consecutive Screen Appearances As A Big-Tiddied Hoodrat“— a title currently held by (tie)Paula Jai Parker and Jennifer Tilly. Godspeed, Meagan. Godspeed.

5. Back to Blonde Breezy. Although I’ve been very critical of Chris Brown’s “redemption” in the past, I think I’ve officially reached the “not a single f*ck was given” point regarding whatever the hell happened that infamous night on the way to the Grammy’s. Apparently, time heals all wounds and all self-righteous indignations.

But, what remains completely fascinating is how both him and Rihanna have gotten progressively weirder and progressively more famous since that night. Maybe instead of a fight that night, they actually went through the Illuminati’s application and pledging process. Who knows?

I do know, though, that somewhere out there (probably on Mars), Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu are kicking themselves. They already had the weird part down pact. Who knew that all they had to do to keep people actually buying their albums was jab each other a couple times while riding in one of their spaceships?

6. I have a male (and presumably straight) friend (“John”) who — in the middle of an all-male spades game a few years ago — was trying to think of Michael Ealy’s name, couldn’t, and just referred to him as “the n*gga with the eyes.” When his statement made the record screech on the entire party, he followed it up by saying “Come on. I aint gay or anything, but y’all act like I aint the only n*gga who noticed he has some pretty ass eyes.

Needless to say, I have a personal stake in Michael Ealy continuing to get movie roles just I can continue thinking of new and creative ways to tease John about his man eyes crush (not that there’s anything wrong with having a man eyes crush). I’ve even started calling him “Hazel.” Seriously, I’m like one of those comedians who wanted Bush to stay in office forever just so they’d never run out of material.

7. If movies like this and “Jumping The Broom” keep getting green-lighted and continue to be successful, the “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” major motion picture can’t be too far off, right?

Right?

¹I realize that this statement contradicts approximately 2245 different anti-Steve Harvey VSB entries. To that I say, “So what? I’m the shit.

²A free copy of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” to the first person to guess the last “black” movie I saw at the theater. You have until 12:00 pm

—The Champ

***Check out “The Charger and The Nerd” — The Champ’s latest at The Good Men Project. It’s worth the read, just so you can tease Champ for eating pheasant.***

8 Relationship Books That Need To Be Published Instead of Steve Harvey’s New Book

A couple laughing after finishing chapter six of “He Clearly Prefers Penis: A Ten Step Guide to Understanding Why The Hell They’re Still Together”

While I’m not one of those who think Steve Harvey should be disqualified from dispensing any relationship advice (I’ve gone back and forth with this, but I’ve come to realize he’s speaking to and helping a particular set of people who would benefit from his type of advice, and I can’t be mad at that), his upcoming “Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep and Understand A Man” sounds so much likeAct Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” that he might as well as just named it “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Too”, and this type of repetition is systematic of the relationship advice usually found on book shelves. A quick perusal of the titles in the self-help section at Borders yesterday confirmed this, as I saw “Why Men Love Bitches“, “How To Be a Bitch Who Men Love“, “Bitch, You Listening?“, and “Settle, Silly Bitches” all within six inches of each other.

With this in mind, I thought of a few titles that would shift the relationship book paradigm from “books about things we really already know, but just need someone to beat them into our heads repeatedly for us to figure them out” to “books about things we genuinely seem to have no f*cking clue about

1. “The Dick-Bait and Switch: Why We (Men) Happily Waste Women’s Prime Reproductive Years Even Though We Know It Will Eventually Bite Us In The Ass”

We all know the scenario (because, well, we’ve all done this before):

Boy meets Girl at annual “Stop The Violence!” community candlelight vigil and midnight kickball game. Boy is impressed enough with Girl’s spandex UnderArmor kickball outfit to sleep with her, but not impressed enough with Girl in general to do anything else with her. Girl, on the other hand, thinks Boy is the best thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing, and Erykah Badu’s ass. Boy knows exactly how Girl feels, and also knows that sleeping with Girl will give mixed signals, but Boy does it anyway. Boy eventually cuts Girl off, and Girl takes it out on the next 17 men she dates, eventually culminating in Girl starting a NFNF (No Fidelity, No Fellatio) movement on Twitter.

Thing is, despite us being fully aware of the fact that doing this will effectively ruin this women for next 5-10 men she meets (and then effectively ruin those men for the next 5-10 women they meet, leading to more crime and less men to play pickup basketball with), we do it anyway, and why exactly we continue to do this confuses me

2. “Always About Me, All Of The Time: Why Some Women Take Every Disagreement You Might Have With Them So Damn Personally”

I’d pay 50 bucks to read a 500 word scientific study explaining exactly how and why “You know, I just don’t think The Color Purple was that good” gets turned into “I just don’t value or care about you, what you bring to the relationship, black women, black beauty, the entire Ivory Coast, the cotton gin, sickle-cell, and Michelle and Malia Obama

3. “Yes Homo: Why Some Straight Men Are So Against Something That Actually Increases Their Sexual Value”

From a sexual perspective, homophobia makes absolutely no sense. I mean, why wouldn’t every straight man wish that all other men were gay? Think about it: More gay men means more men in relationships with other menwhich means more available women to choose from!!! Why can’t we understand that?

4. “Life Inside The Vacuum: An All-Access Look Inside The Contemporary Woman’s World of “Forget About How The World Actually Works. How I Think The World Should Work Is All That Matters”

This book would be even more helpful if chapters such as “So what if I think like a ho, act like a ho, dress like a ho, speak like a ho, and ho like a ho? Still treat me like a f*cking lady! and “Why every single man on the planet must believe that every single woman on the planet is extremely beautiful and completely awesome” were included

5. “Hands In The Cookie Jar: A Four-Step Guide To Understanding Why Some Women Only Date Married Men”

I’ve heard the usual rationale of the perpetual mistress (“Dating men already in relationships allows me to do my own thing without worrying about being tied down or them catching feelings. Lines are drawn, and I like lines“), but aren’t there legions of single men out there who’ll happily grant them this exact same arrangement? Can someone help me understand this? Is anyone listening to me? If a black blogger asks a rhetorical question in D. Woods, would Diddy make a sound?

6. “Yes, They Obviously Still Make Him: Why Some Grown-Ass Men Still Haven’t Learned How To Actually Date A Woman”

I didn’t think these 30 year old dating deficient dudes actually existed, but after hearing a few dating war stories from a couple of my homegirls (ie: taking 10 dollars to a dinner date at Bravo’s, sending “do you like it long or thick?” texts the night before the first date, etc, etc) I guess they do.

7. “Bubble: Understanding The Mystical Allure of The Ass

We all know exactly how the typical black man (and woman) feels about the ass, but I’ve yet to hear a convincing argument as to exactly why it’s so intriguing and mesmerizing. Why is it so captivating, so beguiling, so dangerous? I mean, nice boobs are great to look at and play with as well, but I doubt anyone reading this has subtly stalked a stranger in a department store for 15 minutes just because you wanted to get a panoramic view of her nice knockers.

8. “No Return Policy: How To Convince Men That New P*ssy For New P*ssy’s Sake Just Aint Worth It

Pizza is probably my favorite food, and although there are other foods I enjoy more, pizza earns this distinction because of how consistent it is and how it always leaves me satisfied. Basically, most pizzerias make good pizza, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a truly terrible pizza pie. You actually have to work hard to make a bad pizza. And while there are some truly great pizzas, the difference between “great pizza” and “good pizza” isn’t so vast that you’ll need to throw away a perfectly good slice just for the chance at possibly eating a great one.

If you haven’t figured out where I’m going with this pizza story yet, maybe you really do need to read Steve Harvey’s new book.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any other relationship topics/titles you’d like to see in print? Also, would any of you cop any of the titles I suggested today?

—The Champ

Why VSB Isn’t Steve, Hill, Or Jimi and The Motherf*ckers Who Don’t Realize That

Editor’s note: make sure you check out the newest episode of our podcast, The VSB Files that was dropped today!

The Champ is a nice guy. Panama Jackson can be. The Champ is a diplomatic chap. Panama Jackson used to give a f*ck. Now he could give a f*ck less. What does he think of success? It sucks, too much stress. And after last weeks brouhaha over mi compadre’s post (you know which one) and the ensuing f*ckery that it spawned from numerous individuals across the net, I, Panama Jackson, was ready to go to the mattresses. But then I realized, it wasn’t my post and my partner was more than able to handle the situation on his own.

But see, I was offended. Now, I wasn’t offended that there was a call for The Champ’s head (no Bobbitt). No, I was offended that some no-name f*ck without an audience managed to lump us (though he specifically referenced the “post” he didn’t just say Champ, he said VSB…HE SAID MY NAME?!?!) in with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper, and Jimi izreal. While dude has the following of a guy who just discovered Blogspot yesterday, that one post got him shine all over the net for at least 35 to 45 seconds, which on Twitter is a lifetime. Within a matter of minutes, anybody who HADN’T heard of us before was thinking, “oh great, more uninformed ridiculous men spouting off non-sense under the guise of being Captain Save-a-Ho”.

And let’s keep it funky, EVERYBODY is trying to understand why those individuals are even apart of the conversation. So now we that poo all over our name to? Fuccouttahere.

With that said, I decided to break it down so that it can forever be broke. Namely, for the simple ninjas in the room (and folks who might be showing up now with haterade in their veins), here are 4 reasons why we are not Steve, Hill, or Jimi: Continue reading