Tag Archives: steve harvey

Seven Reasons Why I’m Totally Not Upset About Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” Movie

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1. I realize it’s blasphemous for an educated and “enlightened” black person to say this in an open space, but I don’t dislike Steve Harvey. In fact, all of my Steve Harvey-related experiences — watching his act on Def Comedy Jam, seeing him when the Kings of Comedy came to Pittsburgh, listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show in the way to work, rocking a purple suit to my middle school semi-formal, etc — have been positive ones¹. And, while I haven’t read either of his books, the excerpts I’ve seen have actually been ***ducking thunderbolts from Bentley, the black God of self-righteousness*** on point.

Even if he’s a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk, being a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk doesn’t make “waiting three months to give up the cookies” a wrong concept. Plus, lets not kid ourselves. As the questions I receive at Madame Noire each week prove, there are women who do need to hear things like “If he’s serving a life term, maybe you should consider dating other people” and “He’s probably just not that into you if you found him in bed with the Sears delivery man.”

Since this is true, I can’t be mad at the upcoming “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” movie — starring Chris Brown (more on him in a sec), Michael Ealy, Gabrielle Union (What? You thought there was a chance in hell that she wasn’t going to be in this movie?), and others. Hell, I might even break my self-imposed black movie box office boycott² and buy a ticket.

2. I kind of suspect that I’m the shit. Actually, this is a lie. I’m pretty damn certain that I’m the shit, but I just need a little more evidence to cross the line from “pretty damn certain” to “100% convinced.”

Why am I bringing this up? Well, if Chris Brown is set to star in what will most likely be a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and (probable) Christian overtones in the same year that I invented a screenplay where…Chris Brown starred in a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and Christian overtones, this is all the proof I’ll need to be fully convinced that I am, indeed, the shit.

3. My two favorite tiny funny black men — Kevin Hart and Romany Malco — are in this movie, which means they might possibly reenact one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

(You know what the funniest part about this scene is? Well, the funniest part aside from “we f*ck dwarfs in the ass?” It’s not actually in the movie. This is a deleted/extended scene. In the theater version, all the gang jibberish is cut out, and Kevin Hart only has like three lines. )

4. Meagan Good has also been cast, which means that she’ll probably break the Guinness record for “Most Consecutive Screen Appearances As A Big-Tiddied Hoodrat“— a title currently held by (tie)Paula Jai Parker and Jennifer Tilly. Godspeed, Meagan. Godspeed.

5. Back to Blonde Breezy. Although I’ve been very critical of Chris Brown’s “redemption” in the past, I think I’ve officially reached the “not a single f*ck was given” point regarding whatever the hell happened that infamous night on the way to the Grammy’s. Apparently, time heals all wounds and all self-righteous indignations.

But, what remains completely fascinating is how both him and Rihanna have gotten progressively weirder and progressively more famous since that night. Maybe instead of a fight that night, they actually went through the Illuminati’s application and pledging process. Who knows?

I do know, though, that somewhere out there (probably on Mars), Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu are kicking themselves. They already had the weird part down pact. Who knew that all they had to do to keep people actually buying their albums was jab each other a couple times while riding in one of their spaceships?

6. I have a male (and presumably straight) friend (“John”) who — in the middle of an all-male spades game a few years ago — was trying to think of Michael Ealy’s name, couldn’t, and just referred to him as “the n*gga with the eyes.” When his statement made the record screech on the entire party, he followed it up by saying “Come on. I aint gay or anything, but y’all act like I aint the only n*gga who noticed he has some pretty ass eyes.”

Needless to say, I have a personal stake in Michael Ealy continuing to get movie roles just I can continue thinking of new and creative ways to tease John about his man eyes crush (not that there’s anything wrong with having a man eyes crush). I’ve even started calling him “Hazel.” Seriously, I’m like one of those comedians who wanted Bush to stay in office forever just so they’d never run out of material.

7. If movies like this and “Jumping The Broom” keep getting green-lighted and continue to be successful, the “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” major motion picture can’t be too far off, right?

Right?

¹I realize that this statement contradicts approximately 2245 different anti-Steve Harvey VSB entries. To that I say, “So what? I’m the shit.”

²A free copy of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” to the first person to guess the last “black” movie I saw at the theater. You have until 12:00 pm

—The Champ

***Check out “The Charger and The Nerd” — The Champ’s latest at The Good Men Project. It’s worth the read, just so you can tease Champ for eating pheasant.***

8 Relationship Books That Need To Be Published Instead of Steve Harvey’s New Book

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A couple laughing after finishing chapter six of “He Clearly Prefers Penis: A Ten Step Guide to Understanding Why The Hell They’re Still Together”

While I’m not one of those who think Steve Harvey should be disqualified from dispensing any relationship advice (I’ve gone back and forth with this, but I’ve come to realize he’s speaking to and helping a particular set of people who would benefit from his type of advice, and I can’t be mad at that), his upcoming “Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep and Understand A Man” sounds so much like “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” that he might as well as just named it “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Too”, and this type of repetition is systematic of the relationship advice usually found on book shelves. A quick perusal of the titles in the self-help section at Borders yesterday confirmed this, as I saw “Why Men Love Bitches“, “How To Be a Bitch Who Men Love“, “Bitch, You Listening?“, and “Settle, Silly Bitches” all within six inches of each other.

With this in mind, I thought of a few titles that would shift the relationship book paradigm from “books about things we really already know, but just need someone to beat them into our heads repeatedly for us to figure them out” to “books about things we genuinely seem to have no f*cking clue about”

1. “The Dick-Bait and Switch: Why We (Men) Happily Waste Women’s Prime Reproductive Years Even Though We Know It Will Eventually Bite Us In The Ass”

We all know the scenario (because, well, we’ve all done this before):

Boy meets Girl at annual “Stop The Violence!” community candlelight vigil and midnight kickball game. Boy is impressed enough with Girl’s spandex UnderArmor kickball outfit to sleep with her, but not impressed enough with Girl in general to do anything else with her. Girl, on the other hand, thinks Boy is the best thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing, and Erykah Badu’s ass. Boy knows exactly how Girl feels, and also knows that sleeping with Girl will give mixed signals, but Boy does it anyway. Boy eventually cuts Girl off, and Girl takes it out on the next 17 men she dates, eventually culminating in Girl starting a NFNF (No Fidelity, No Fellatio) movement on Twitter.

Thing is, despite us being fully aware of the fact that doing this will effectively ruin this women for next 5-10 men she meets (and then effectively ruin those men for the next 5-10 women they meet, leading to more crime and less men to play pickup basketball with), we do it anyway, and why exactly we continue to do this confuses me

2. “Always About Me, All Of The Time: Why Some Women Take Every Disagreement You Might Have With Them So Damn Personally”

I’d pay 50 bucks to read a 500 word scientific study explaining exactly how and why “You know, I just don’t think The Color Purple was that good” gets turned into “I just don’t value or care about you, what you bring to the relationship, black women, black beauty, the entire Ivory Coast, the cotton gin, sickle-cell, and Michelle and Malia Obama ”

3. “Yes Homo: Why Some Straight Men Are So Against Something That Actually Increases Their Sexual Value”

From a sexual perspective, homophobia makes absolutely no sense. I mean, why wouldn’t every straight man wish that all other men were gay? Think about it: More gay men means more men in relationships with other men…which means more available women to choose from!!! Why can’t we understand that?

4. “Life Inside The Vacuum: An All-Access Look Inside The Contemporary Woman’s World of “Forget About How The World Actually Works. How I Think The World Should Work Is All That Matters”

This book would be even more helpful if chapters such as “So what if I think like a ho, act like a ho, dress like a ho, speak like a ho, and ho like a ho? Still treat me like a f*cking lady!“ and “Why every single man on the planet must believe that every single woman on the planet is extremely beautiful and completely awesome” were included

5. “Hands In The Cookie Jar: A Four-Step Guide To Understanding Why Some Women Only Date Married Men”

I’ve heard the usual rationale of the perpetual mistress (“Dating men already in relationships allows me to do my own thing without worrying about being tied down or them catching feelings. Lines are drawn, and I like lines“), but aren’t there legions of single men out there who’ll happily grant them this exact same arrangement? Can someone help me understand this? Is anyone listening to me? If a black blogger asks a rhetorical question in D. Woods, would Diddy make a sound?

6. “Yes, They Obviously Still Make Him: Why Some Grown-Ass Men Still Haven’t Learned How To Actually Date A Woman”

I didn’t think these 30 year old dating deficient dudes actually existed, but after hearing a few dating war stories from a couple of my homegirls (ie: taking 10 dollars to a dinner date at Bravo’s, sending “do you like it long or thick?” texts the night before the first date, etc, etc) I guess they do.

7. “Bubble: Understanding The Mystical Allure of The Ass“

We all know exactly how the typical black man (and woman) feels about the ass, but I’ve yet to hear a convincing argument as to exactly why it’s so intriguing and mesmerizing. Why is it so captivating, so beguiling, so dangerous? I mean, nice boobs are great to look at and play with as well, but I doubt anyone reading this has subtly stalked a stranger in a department store for 15 minutes just because you wanted to get a panoramic view of her nice knockers.

8. “No Return Policy: How To Convince Men That New P*ssy For New P*ssy’s Sake Just Aint Worth It“

Pizza is probably my favorite food, and although there are other foods I enjoy more, pizza earns this distinction because of how consistent it is and how it always leaves me satisfied. Basically, most pizzerias make good pizza, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a truly terrible pizza pie. You actually have to work hard to make a bad pizza. And while there are some truly great pizzas, the difference between “great pizza” and “good pizza” isn’t so vast that you’ll need to throw away a perfectly good slice just for the chance at possibly eating a great one.

If you haven’t figured out where I’m going with this pizza story yet, maybe you really do need to read Steve Harvey’s new book.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any other relationship topics/titles you’d like to see in print? Also, would any of you cop any of the titles I suggested today?

—The Champ

Why VSB Isn’t Steve, Hill, Or Jimi and The Motherf*ckers Who Don’t Realize That

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Editor’s note: make sure you check out the newest episode of our podcast, The VSB Files that was dropped today!

The Champ is a nice guy. Panama Jackson can be. The Champ is a diplomatic chap. Panama Jackson used to give a f*ck. Now he could give a f*ck less. What does he think of success? It sucks, too much stress. And after last weeks brouhaha over mi compadre’s post (you know which one) and the ensuing f*ckery that it spawned from numerous individuals across the net, I, Panama Jackson, was ready to go to the mattresses. But then I realized, it wasn’t my post and my partner was more than able to handle the situation on his own.

But see, I was offended. Now, I wasn’t offended that there was a call for The Champ’s head (no Bobbitt). No, I was offended that some no-name f*ck without an audience managed to lump us (though he specifically referenced the “post” he didn’t just say Champ, he said VSB…HE SAID MY NAME?!?!) in with Steve Harvey, Hill Harper, and Jimi izreal. While dude has the following of a guy who just discovered Blogspot yesterday, that one post got him shine all over the net for at least 35 to 45 seconds, which on Twitter is a lifetime. Within a matter of minutes, anybody who HADN’T heard of us before was thinking, “oh great, more uninformed ridiculous men spouting off non-sense under the guise of being Captain Save-a-Ho”.

And let’s keep it funky, EVERYBODY is trying to understand why those individuals are even apart of the conversation. So now we that poo all over our name to? Fuccouttahere.

With that said, I decided to break it down so that it can forever be broke. Namely, for the simple ninjas in the room (and folks who might be showing up now with haterade in their veins), here are 4 reasons why we are not Steve, Hill, or Jimi: Continue reading →

Ya Unnastand: Things Black Folks Do That White People Don’t Understand

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I can’t lie, Black people do a lot of weird things. From naming our children after popular liquors to being upset that the media falsely portrays us as violent WHILE TALKING ABOUT a quadruple murder committed by your friendly neighborhood ninjas over a “gold-colored bracelet”, its no wonder that so many white women are fascinated by Black men. We’re like the enigmatic puzzle that makes you feel the rhythm and feel the rhyme.

I mean, it makes you get on up.

No Jodeci.

That was a two-for-one, by the way.

Well, despite the best laid plans of mice and men, there are some things that Black folks do that make complete and total sense that white people and others really don’t seem to understand (though some of our Hispanic brothers and sisters clearly get it). Since we’re in the business of enlightenment and since The Champ actually thanked you all for letting us be the best thing about your day – a personal high for VSB – I figure I should learn you something.

My guitar strums.

1. Rock baseball caps of random teams

Like most hat-wearing Black men, I have a hat collection that includes teams for which I couldn’t care less about and places I’ve never been. Apparently, white guys only wear hats for teams upon which they hold allegiance. White people, this is the thing, we sport said accessories because we like the colors and are fashionable. We’re a colorful group of colored people. The world is not Yankee’s fans, but that hat goes with EVERYTHING. I love my LA Dodgers hat, but I don’t give a damn about the Dodgers, I just love the colors. Same with my Oakland A’s hat, my St. Louis Cardinals hat, etc.

So my white friends out there, STOP asking me how my squad is going to do this year in our division as I don’t even know what division we’re in. I just like my hat. It looks cool, b*tch.

2. Loiter

Between Blacks and Mexicans, I’m not sure who’s the most loiterous, but we just love to stand outside in some random locale and, well, stand there. We’re a people of word and gathering. Why do you think Black folks are so religious. It’s loitering with purpose. Plus, half of us don’t pay our bills on time so our power can be cut anytime. Do you know what never gets cut off? Air. That sh*t is free right now and we like to use it. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving. Mostly, we as Black people, REALLY hate not being up on neighborhood gossip, so we all stand around with one another making sure we get it all. Loiter deez.

3. Complicated Dap

We’re musical. We’re rhythmic. We do everything to time. Hell, I’m writing this based on iambic pentameter. What does that have to do with the price of jockstraps in Kosovo? Nothing. I’ll bet the concept of “dap” started during the slavery days as another means to guide slaves to freedom. I mean, you can only sing “Wade In The Water” and “Follow the Drinking Gourd” for so long. White folks know about The Big Dipper. Plus, all Black folks can’t sing. Why do we still do it then? Because we’re cooler than everybody else. And we like to loiter.

4. Wear suits with 8 buttons

A lot of us have been broke in life. Which means we didn’t get any buttons. Just zippers. My first suit had 17 zippers in the places where buttons were supposed to go. Do you know what it feels like to not have buttons?  My remote controls had sewn on numbers for the first 17 years of my life. CLOTH. I couldn’t change the channel. I just watched Bonanza all day. We wear so many buttons for freedom and the American way. And also because a lot of us are just damn tacky. Steve Harvey, I’m looking at you. Oh, and Atlanta, Chicago, Mississippi, Detroit and pretty much the whole state of Florida, I’m ALSO looking at you.

Word.Life.

So my good people, what are some other things that Black people do that white people just don’t understand (that can be justified)?

Love. Peace. and Soul.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

5 Ways To Stop “That” Dude From Trying To Talk To You

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Every woman complains about the same things when it comes to finding some of that good lovin’: at some point in time, all the wrong men were trying to holler. Not only were they trying to holler, they would holler when she would go out of the house in a paisley-print muumuu, some tights, and a headwrap that was NOT the father from the motherland.

Basically, “that” dude is out there lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on you and hold you hostage to his crip-wallking teeth and incendiary conversation about his self-improvement program, Everest College, and why women don’t know a good thing when they see it. Plus, his scurl has NEVER been on fire.

To take it a step further, let’s just paint a picture of the guy women don’t want to holler at them the most, a composite if you will.

Ready?

Set. Go.

Gold teeth. Lime green 3-piece suit with 8 buttons (kind of like a Steve Harvey special), one too many pieces of jewelry, some Stacey Adams wing-tips, a temple-fade haircut with the Philly-dye to fill in his edges, drinking some sort of dark-liquor concoction that MUST include Hennessey. Oh yes, and he is particular to women he can affectionately call “redbone”. He also likes to call you “shawty” or “lil mama”. And he JUST might be 51 and have a child your age.

Possibly.

Most women go wrong by trying to reason with the dude or being nice hoping he’ll go away. These cats don’t go away. They’re like roaches. “No” is not a word that means go away. It means try harder. But unlike the Geto Boys, they CAN be stopped – without a shot to the eye. No Reality Kings.

It’s 2010 and VSB is still in the crimefighting business. If you keep getting hollered at by Svelt Leon you might stop going out and nobody will ever get the chance to talk to you. You’ll end up like the women we assumed Helena Andrews was talking about.

So here are some ways to stop Romeo in his tracks:

1. Tell him you have an STD before he even gets going. Sure  you’re deading your chances of talking to ANYBODY in the club you’re at, but be real, you and the guy you DON’T want to talk to are at the same spot. Chances are you probably should stop going there anyway. “Those” dudes travel in packs and they DON’T go to places where it seems like all the women read good. Kids don’t scare away men, but STDs? Fear of God (unless he already has one and thinks a second one might cancel it out – like I said, you shouldn’t be there.)

2. Tell him that your daddy is a cop (and you actually know him). For some reason, Black people really don’t trust police. I have no earthly idea why. But NOBODY wants to date a cop’s daughter. It just seems like a bad idea. Plus, if you know your daddy AND he’s a cop, he’s probably overprotective and watching you like Rockwell. Just seems like a better idea to talk to the chick in the 2-sizes too small pink leopard onesie.

3. Start talking about politics and local elections. This might backfire 1/100 times, but most hood ignant dudes don’t know nothing about no ‘lections. Mostly because they either can’t or don’t vote. To complete the murder, just ask him about his favorite book that wasn’t written by Donald Goines. He’ll go talk to a chick who thinks Zane is fine literature.

4. Ask him if he’s holding any crack on him. Not coca-ina. Crack. Nobody wants to intentionally date a crackhead, no matter how fine she is. That should be a surprise.

5. Say, “I bet you have small wang. (To friends, loudly) Hey, doesn’t he look like he has a small wang?” He’ll either pull it out to prove you wrong and thus embarass himself and possibly go to jail (win/win) or get mad and call you a “b*tch” and roll out because you are crazy, loud, and ignant. Just remember, he may try to kill you later on that night so I’d be careful with that one.

So good people of VSB, what are some other ways to get the wrong guys to not holler?

Floor? All yours.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3