Remember me? Ha! That was a rhetorical question. I already know that you don't.
…is that none of us really want to admit that — despite our (occasionally) expert and (always) intimate knowledge about AIDS rates, unwanted pregnancies, what unwanted and unprepared for pregnancies can do to our bank accounts, what 9 pound 8 ounce babies do to perfectly nice and pretty vaginas, how single parents (mothers especially) are ostracized, Ron Mexico, bacterial vaginosis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, papillomavirus, pelvic inflammatory disease, syphilis, trichomoniasis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes, the ubiquity and silliness of Valtrex commercials, Jim Jones, the fact that Magnum condoms really aren’t any bigger than regular ones, The Red Pump Project, killer p*ssy, limbo p*ssy, stripper p*ssy, Delta p*ssy, killer Delta stripper limbo p*ssy, whiskey d*ck, wack d*ck, crack d*ck, deprived d*ck, parking lot d*ck, “too nondescript to really count against my number” d*ck, keeping the numbers down, drunk sex, ex sex, sad sex, “I don’t really want to have sex with you, but I’m going to have sex with you anyway” sex, “your o face is too goofy for us to have sex again” sex, the Tuskegee experiment, Antonio Cromartie, Nas’ “You Got a House In Virginia” diss directed at Cam’ron in “Zone Out”, Eazy-E, Ol Dirty Bastard’s incoherent verse on the live MTV version of “America Is Dying Slowly”, dental dams, the utter ridiculousness of the female condom, the medieval-ness of Rape-Ex, Magic Johnson, the spaceship Magic Johnson takes to Jupiter once a month to pick up his HIV drugs, the joke that Flavor Flav looks exactly how we all thought Magic Johnson was going to look by now, The Corner, the occasionally absurd and always misleading stats that seem to come out annually about Baltimore’s infection rate, the prominence and prevalence of strippers, stripper culture, and young kids with names that have basically doomed them to be strippers, female ejaculation, the inane argument that female ejaculation doesn’t exist, the faux reliability of the pull-out method, and, most importantly, the fact that we know that we’re smart enough, educated enough, and thoughtful enough to know better — many of us (and my “many” I mean “most”) still have had unprotected sex, are currently having unprotected sex, and don’t plan on discontinuing the unprotected sex any time soon.
—The Champ
Hi, my name is Panama Jackson, OPP.