Building The Perfect (Wo)Man

“So basically, all women want a 6’4”, God-fearing, well-endowed, faithful (ha!), funny, brolic, charcoal-skinned neurosurgeon/hedge fund manager from the Newark slums. Oh, and he can’t own a Dodge Charger either. Anything but a Charger”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every man in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

“We women just can’t win. We were already too tall or too short, too thin or too fat, too smart or too stupid, and too chaste or too cock-hungry, too independent or too marriage-minded. Now, we can’t even ask for a man who’s not a midget? You men are lucky I hate the way p*ssy tastes, because if I didn’t, I’d be L-Wording it up right now, word to Jennifer Beals”

—a conglomeration of every comment left by each and every woman in this week’s “The Short End Of The Stick: Women, Height Preferences, and Hypocrisy” and “The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating”

Since it’s obvious that absolutely no one is winning in this dating game — and since I’m an altruistic and magnanimous motherf*cker — I’ve decided to clear the slate. Today, we’re all going to start from scratch. Well, we’re gonna sort of (but not really) start from scratch. (Actually, what we’re going to do today isn’t “starting from scratch” in the slightest, but since I couldn’t think of a more suitable idiom, “starting from scratch” it is!)

Here’s the deal: Between our height, hair, complexion, class, “swag,” and sexiness issues, we  — black men and women — are filled with enough standards-of attraction-based angst to choke a team of walruses, and we need a little catharsis; a purging that’ll allow us to bury our ghosts of standards past once and for all.

How exactly will we do this? Well, this is our day to be as shallow, superficial, silly, self-centered, and selfish as possible, without any fear of judgment, side-eye, or throat-punches. The task? Build your “perfect” man or woman from scratch, taking favorable attributes from others (famous or not) to create your own personal Freakinstein.

You want your woman to have Esther Baxter’s body with Esther Rolle’s self-esteem? Fine! Does you man need to be packing pipe like Lex Steele, stacking dough like Mark Zuckerberg, and cracking jokes like Chocolate Drop? Great! Be my guest! Funny like Angela Nissel, fine like Angela Bassett and freaky like Angela Lansbury? (Don’t front like you didn’t know why the show was called “Murder She Wrote.” Three words: Angela’s killer p*ssy.) Great!

Your Freakinstein has no time-constraints, either. If you want, say, Pam Grier’s nipples in 1972 on circa 1930′s Lena Horne’s breasts, go right ahead! Richard Roundtree’s shaft, George Gervin’s fingers, and Kunta Kinte’s limp? Perfect!

The cathartic carpet is yours!

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you?

the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete

hmmm. maybe "i dont do commitment" actually isn't mancode for "i'll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me"
maybe “i dont do commitment” actually isn’t mancode for “i’ll change my mind if you keep sleeping with me”

you know, after we reach each of our crime-fighting and world domination goals, our plan is to live in a world where vsb has been rendered obsolete, a universe where the sage wisdom of panama, the champ, and liz’s boobs is no longer needed because everyone is making wise relationship-related decisions on their own.

thing is, we’re really not that far from that day, as much of the dating and mating acrimony we face (and the advice received) would be thwarted if we just started asking ourselves simple questions and began making simple mental comments and observations before acting, “voila!” statements if you will.

here’s 8 of them

1. “hmmm: would i be forced to kill somebody if i got her pregnant?”

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

2. “you know, maybe my perpetually single and unhappy girlfriends aren’t the best people to get relationship advice from”

3. “all of my friends seem to want to sleep with my man, and its getting pretty frustrating. i wonder if my daily tweets, emails, and facebook status messages about his d*ck have anything to do with that?”

4. “i love my stringent female beauty standards just the way they are. but, until i move out of my grandma’s basement, maybe i should either adjust them or just start keeping them to myself”

imagine, a world where lame men don’t hold all women to unrealistically and unattainably attractive standards, and where the rest of the men don’t have to listen to women incessantly b*tching about the men who do this, even though they only comprise 6% of the male population

5. “damn. another month has passed without a single man approaching me. i probably should try this new ‘sileing‘ or ‘miling‘ or whatever facial expression thing everybody keeps raving about.”

6. “even though he’s been really nice and sweet to me, i wonder if i should be more bothered by the man i saw him murder last weekend”

if i had a dollar for every woman i’ve known who’s attracted to shady dudes and needed consolation after he did some shady sh*t to her, i’d have at least 11 f*cking dollars. i know that doesn’t seem like alot of money, but it’s a recession, and that can get you a month’s worth of meals in pittsburgh

7. “f*ck! shot down again. maybe i should retire my genius ‘do you know the difference between my d*ck and a chicken leg? no? well, let’s go on a picnic and find out.‘ pick-up line”

8. “i should probably stop by the weight scale store at the mall some time next weekend. while i’m there, it wouldn’t hurt to peek inside the mirror store next door for a minute as well.”

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

people of, can you think of any more inner “voila” statements that could make the dating and relationship game much easier?

—the champ