“Three days ago, my husband’s female co-worker called to inform me that she had been sleeping with my husband of two years for the past nine months. As I’m sure you can imagine, this shook my world and led to a lengthy fight. My husband has declared that he did sleep with her but says it was only once nine months ago.”

I came across this quote while going through Dear Prudence’s archives yesterday. The situation itself was unremarkable, and Prudence’s advice was on-point as usual (“Tell him you don’t know who to believe, and you want to contact his supposedly former lover and see if she has evidence that it was no one-night stand. Maybe that will shake out of him a different version of the truth.“), but the topic resonated because it made me think about all the gray associated with cheating.

For instance, I doubt her advice would have been the same if the person asking the question was a girlfriend instead of a wife, and I also strongly doubt that Prudence would have suggested that the wife try to find out the truth if the third party was the wife’s sister instead of the husband’s co-worker.

My point? All cheating isn’t created equal, and it’s about time that someone made a spectrum to accurately gauge which acts of infidelity are worse than others. And, as you probably guessed, that someone is me.

Without further ado, here’s the cheating spectrum.

***Acts of infidelity are listed from “1″ — stop bitching and get over yourself — to “10″ — someone needs to f*cking die***

(The “Annoying, but you need to forget about that shit” zone)

1.0

A lapdance from a stripper

1.7

grinding on the dance floor

(It may be a surprise to some to see a somewhat innocent dance being considered more infidelity-ish than a man or woman getting their crotch bounced on by a naked stripper, but someone dancing on top of you while you’re stuffing dollar bills in her butt crack has a funny way of making things less intimate)

2.0

Public but private lunch (ie: You share a table at Wendy’s with each other) with a very attractive co-worker.

(The “Maybe we need to talk, you f*ckin bastard”  zone)

3.0

Inappropriate GChat conversations, texts, or emails.

(“Inappropriate“ in this sense is defined as “Anything you’d rather delete than let your significant other see“)

3.7

Talking on the phone after 10pm to any opposite sex friend about anything not business related

4.5

Confiding to a friend of the opposite sex about relationship issues you’re having

(A very underrated act of relationship disrespect that might even be too low on the list)

(The ”You probably should know that I don’t have to break up with you over this, but I could”  zone)

5.0

Drunkenly kissing someone while on vacation

(Upsetting, but far from unforgivable) 

5.7

Telling a person you’re very attracted to that you’re very attracted to them

(Even if this interest is unactedupon, things like this need to be kept to yourself. Can’t be out there planting seeds like that, because, even if you don’t intend to, it increases the likelihood that you’ll eventually f*ck the plant)

(The ”If you tell your significant other about this, you should probably brace yourself because you might get mushed”  zone)

6.0

Drunk vacation sex

(Sh*t happens)

(The ”Unless one of us is rich, hung like a donkey, or looks like Stacey Dash, this sh*t is officially over”  zone)

7.0

Drunken but very passionate kiss between you and someone your significant other personally knows and sees on a regular basis

7.5

Longtime emotional — but non sexual — intimacy with a person not your significant other

(I have a feeling that most of the women reading this would place it higher on the list)

8.0

Completely lucid one night stand

(The ”Where’s my bleach?”  zone)

8.7

One night stand with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

9.0

Long-time affair with a stranger

(The ”Prison time actually doesn’t seem all that bad”  zone)

10.0

A long-time affair with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

(Not only do people often die in situations like this, but up until like seven years ago, you could legally murder someone over it)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what are your thoughts about the spectrum? Did you agree with my placements? Also, are there any other acts you’d like to see included? If so, where would you put them?

—The Champ