come on, maaaan! you know this is some bullshit.
we’ve all been there before:
obnoxiously bow-tied boy at urban league happy hour approaches girl.
girl, already tipsy and unusually horny because of a rabbit mishap that morning (she wanted to use it before work, but forgot that she needed new batteries), grabs boy’s hand before he has a chance to speak, and leads him to the dance floor.
boy and girl dance in an awkwardly familiar manner, meet later at 24-hour oyster house, leave, and have aggressively mediocre sex in girl’s cat-infested duplex, fully initiating the first steps of the half-assed forced relationship dance usually done by people too decent to just have a one night stand and bounce.
the bullshit romantic relationship —where “nice” people stay in dead-end relationships much longer than they should because, well, they’re pussies— is as much of a staple in the young urban professional community as gap body spray and gentrification.
since their manners won’t let them break up on their own, those in half-assed couplings sometimes need outside forces (whether its an attractive new neighbor, an anniversary, or the threat of a nuclear war) to convince them to end this endless coital agony, and no other avenue is as efficient at reminding them how bad their relationship is than a movie.
without further ado, here’s five movies you should watch if you want out of your half-assed relationship:
1. a history of violence
why you should watch it: in the middle of a fight, tom and edie stall (viggo mortensen and maria bello) have the type of passionate, violent, nasty, monkey-matrix sex (on wooden freakin stairs!!!) your half-assed relationship ass probably hasn’t had since the first season of house. if this doesn’t make you want to get out of your self-imposed pussy-ass relationship purgatory, nothing will.
2. 50 first dates
why you should watch it: [spoiler alert] henry roth (played by some lesbian woman impersonating adam sandler) is so in love with lucy whitmore (drew barrymore) that he 1. deads his completely implausible practice of boning random hot chicks on vacation, 2. comes up with approximately 50 elaborate schemes to repeatedly woo a woman who loses her memory every 24 hours, 3. wins over said woman’s dad, brother, and best friends, and 4. marries and impregnates said woman despite the fact that she’ll need to be remind of who he and their kid is every day for the rest of their life.
he did all that for her, and the guy you have apathetic unprotected sex with twice a month can’t even remember to pull out half the time.
3. unfaithful
why you should watch it: the plot revolves around every man’s biggest nightmare —a seemingly content girlfriend/wife having an affair with a guy much younger, handsomer, and europeaner than you are— a storyline that will undoubtedly be your future if you don’t burn that bullshit ass bridge as soon as f*cking possible.
4. chris rock: never scared
why you should watch it: the only thing more awkward than being in a half-assed relationship is sitting on the couch with your melancholy mate while you’re watching a comedian talk sh*t about half-assed relationships.
5. zombieland
why you should watch it: 1. to remind you of what you two look like to your mutual friends (a zombie), and 2. to remind you of what your mutual friends are tempted to do to you every time your lifeless, depressing ass duo invites itself to an event (chop your f*cking head off).
anyway, people of vsb.com: i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other movies that would literally force someone to end their half-assed relationship if they happened to watch them?
—the champ