the five most underrated things about dating a sista

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a couple of things dawned on me while at the house party i referenced in monday’s entry:

1. buffalo chicken dip really stings if it gets in your eye (dont ask)

2. the utter variety present within the population of black women

i mean, its not like i hadn’t realized this before. but, the potpourri of sistas present at this relatively small event further proved that from dark-brown or light and naturally curly or nappy to artist or athlete and southern belle or north philly firecracker, they’re like a combination platter at an all you can eat chinese buffet.

and, although i’m sure there are multiple variations among non-black women, part of what makes sistas so special is that within their endless assortments are a few common archetypes, recurring characters completely unique to the collective black narrative.

***personally, two of my favorites are “ms god/body with nice bubble perpetually hidden by her atache” (best exemplified by erykah badu) and “the surprisingly sweet hood chick with a heart of gold”***

anyway, this diversity made me think of a few other somewhat underrated things about dating sistas, and here’s four more

2. you always know you’re going to get some the day before they get their hair done

since they know they’re probably not going to want to have sex for a couple days after getting their hair did (for fear of “sweating it out”), most sistas basically turn into a brown skinned version of snookie from jersey shore the day before their hair appointments. seriously, you’d have to have less game than brian scalabrine to get turned down the day before hairday.

plus, since they know they’re getting a wash, press, and curl the next day, this is the one time you can be, ummmm, “creative” with what you do to and what ends up in their hair without getting cussed out.

3. if she ever complains about you singing off key in the shower, you can always get cool points by telling her “i was actually just singing ‘queen to be‘, because, you know, you’re my queen”

***this only works, btw, with women born sometime between 1972 and 1985***

4. considering the fact that (aside from prince, giancarlo esposito, and dudley moore) sistas usually don’t go for super short men with straight hair, you don’t have to worry about an angry asian man stealing your girl

i’ve had an irrational fear of short, muscular, asian men since watching tong po kick a hole through a cement wall in kickboxer, so it helps me sleep at night knowing that i probably won’t ever have to fight one to keep my girl.

5. if you all ever happen to get chased by a dog, serial killer, rabid midget clown, alien, or group of mexicans, you won’t have to worry about her doing some dumb shit like falling or stopping to ask the alien if he knows the showtimes for avatar at loews.

i’m sure i’m missing a few.

men of vsb.com, can you think of any more underrated positives about dating a black woman? also, ladies, are there any under-publicized about benefits of dating a brotha?

the carpet is yours

—the champ

ole’ faithful: the people, places, and things that never disappoint us

PACERS CLIPPERS

between the economy, the cleveland cavaliers, and the blueprint 3¹, 2009 has largely been an anti-climatic year full of disappointments and epic fails.

despite this, there remains a number of things we can always rely on to come through in the clutch, a bevy of perpetually dependable people, places, and things that never, ever disappoint, and that always perform exactly how we expect them to.

here’s six

ron artest breaking news

between its hair, its haymakers, and its halftime hennessy, “ron artest breaking news” is the literal embodiment of the gift that keeps on giving. i’ve never been disappointed or unentertained after clicking on a headline with its name in it, and “ron artest breaking news” seems intent on keeping it that way forever

the support of sistas

seriously, if you’re a black man with even an inkling of, sh*t, anything, the list of things you can do to make sistas stop supporting you is shorter than kiefer sutherland.

soup with crackers

go ahead and laugh, but name another food more reliable than a bowl of soup with crackers. in my travels i’ve tasted f*cked up versions of pretty much every previously assumed unf*ckupable foods imaginable. i even once had someone bake me some sugar cookies that somehow ended up tasting like smoked salmon. soup with crackers, on the other hand, always comes through, always makes you smile, and, strangely, always makes you think about professional wrestling²

hoes

regardless of where, when, why, how, who, and what, you can always count on hoes to find unique ways to partake in some form of productive hotivity. you may call them many things (“hobby-horse” is my favorite), but “a disappointment” is never one of them³

the barbershop

*just a few of the things i received during last thursday’s weekly visit to east liberty kutz*

a fresh shape-up. a conversation with a crackhead about paul pierce. a slice from ventos pizzeria. two business cards, including one from a female barber i strongly suspect to be a lesbian pimp. stock tips. a convincing theory about the real reason bill cowher left the steelers in 2006 (apparently he got a sista knocked up. she got an abortion, but his wife still told him “we’re leaving pittsburgh or i’m leaving you”). a flyer for a party at a bar that burned down two days later. change for a 20.

the three-five minute early morning quickie

f*ck folgers, this has been and will always be the best part of waking up

anyway, we always have a ton to say about what’s making us itch or grinding our gears, but i’m curious: what else can we name that never, ever disappoints?

¹to be honest, once you realize that the blueprint 3 is just jay-z doing his best impression of a kanye album, its actually not that bad
²maybe this is just me
³unless, of course, she’s your daughter

—the champ

four completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

this was so unexpected, jamal. how did you know i always wanted the 'good times' dvd boxset?
this was so unexpected, jamal. how did you know i always wanted the ‘good times’ dvd boxset?

6.  as of monday, november 30th, 2009, i’ve officially filed “since i’m not a billionaire, i don’t think i’d have any chance of getting the benefit of the doubt if any random legal mess occurred” as reason #137 on the champ’s list of “137 completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

—the last random thought listed in yesterdays ‘six things i’ve thought about tiger woods, elin nordegren, and golfgate’.

although the tone of my writing might occasionally paint a different picture, i actually don’t dislike white women at all, and i really appreciate a few of their unique talents.

they gave us natalie portman and the best teacher i ever had (r.i.p., sister roberta). they also usually make for great senators, copy-editors, and baristas, and no one is better at running “corporate game” (the ability to use office politics and mores to their benefit) than a professional white woman. in fact, some of my best friends have friends who know people who have married them.

despite this, i wasn’t using any hyperbole yesterday when i mentioned having “137 completely practical and non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date one”. although actually having 137 reasons why you havent dated someone of a different race seemingly contradicts the whole “non-racist” thing, this list is comprised of more personal quirks and odd idiosyncrasies than anything else

while time and space and liz prevent me from naming all 137, i’ve decided to share four of them today. Continue reading