A Second-By-Second Breakdown of “Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Black Men Remain Single”

0:01: As the ridiculous trailer to “Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single” — a new film created by “psychotherapist and relationship counselor” Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham to take a look at what’s really keeping “good” brothas from committing — begins, a strange fear comes over me. The awkward title, awkwarder graphics, and awkwardest song choice (“Umi Says?” Really?) lets me know that I’m in store for two minutes and 47 seconds worth of anti-classic material so snark-worthy and cheesy that, by the end of this clip, I’ll assume I was just Punk’d. Five seconds in, and I’m already looking forward to the fun I’m going to have making fun of this production.

So, where does the “strange fear” come from? As self-aware as I (hope I) am, a part of me can’t help but wonder if I, when I’m explaining why I’ve never been married, look and sound as ridiculous as the men on screen. I’m 93.2% certain that I don’t, but before I continue to chronicle this edition of Dr. Drew meets Everest College, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge what was in the back of my mind.

Anyway…

0:07: In what can easily be interpreted as a five second-long PSA for masturbation, a very sneakily attractive woman who clearly had no idea she was going to be on camera that day speaks about how women need to love themselves to keep from loving “the dogs.” If only someone told that to Michael Vick.

0:21: Am I the only one who thinks that Black men who rock ridiculous bow ties without a hint of irony should just have their names legally changed to “Bowtie Ass N*gga?” That’s just me? Ok. Moving on.

0:27: As the cameraman decides to focus on Bowtie Ass N*ggas’ teeth, I’m starting to wonder why, in a 150 second long clip about why “good” Black men are single, the first 30 seconds were spent discussing what women need to be doing differently. Hmmm.

0:32: I can say with complete confidence that I’ve never had another man look at me as intensely as Carl Thomas is looking at Bowtie Ass N*gga. Now, I’m not saying that it will never happen, and I also don’t mean to imply that there’s anything wrong with it happening if it happened to happen. All I’m saying is that I know that in my three decades on this planet, I’ve never had another man peer longingly into my soul with a thousand yard stare.

0:50: Is “Old ass guy on camera talking about how he’ll never get married until he finds his queen” the last step you take before becoming “Old ass guy at the club?

1:02: I have to say that I can relate to the sentiment expressed about not giving 100%. But, while the guy on screen blames his reluctance on a fear of the woman “not coming through,” I have no such fear, and I’m legitimately puzzled about where this insistence on living life on a peripheral level comes from. Maybe I’m scared of love and commitment. Maybe, to quote a character from “Mad Men” speaking about Don Draper, I “only like the beginnings of things.” Who knows?

1:12: If I was a marriage cynic, I’d make the counterargument that “qualified” men are staying single specifically because they’re using their “big” heads instead of the “little” ones. Basically, they’ve realized that the benefits of staying single outweigh the benefits of marriage. (I think) I’m not a marriage cynic though, so I won’t make that argument.

1:20: What was actually not really that bad of a video starts to spiral down hill as Kevin Hart’s Uncle Ritchie Jr. decides to make his first ever screen appearance. While he does make one very good sounding point with the type of rhythmic syntax regularly incorporated by Black politicians and predicate felons (“Good man in his head is a good man in his head only“), I couldn’t help but be reminded of why I have an irrationally rational fear of prison.

1:37: Guy in one of those confusing blazer/sweatshirt combo things you always find in discount racks at Macy’s makes a good point about good men and good women not finding each other. Still, no answers about why “good” Black men are single. This entire video is a red herring.

This is the point where someone should probably make the point that not all single men are single by choice. Some cats tell themselves that their singledom is a conscious decision when it really just comes down to the fact that  they just don’t have romantic/sexual access to the women they think they “deserve.”

This is also the point where I begin to curse myself for thinking that writing a second by second recap of this shit would be a good idea.

1:44: She’s cute in an “my ex boyfriend kind of still thinks we’re together and might break into your crib one day while you’re at work and sit on the couch and wait for you to get home so you can talk about things and resolve this situation” sort of way.

1:57: My favorite part of the video begins as Carl Thomas returns to the screen to bless us with his “very successful” presence, his unbuttoned blouse reminding us all of when our grandmothers told us not to trust Michael Beach or any other light-skinned man who wears long-sleeved shirts with no undershirt.

Actually, after hearing him talk some (and reading some of the comments attached to this video at Clutch), I definitely think the producer was looking for a “Hill Harper-ass n*gga” to put in his video, and just found the first one he could find. I think I’m just going to call him Phil Farper.

2:10: Not to be outdone by Phil Farper’s Phil Farperness, a guy in a gray H&M blazer says, with a straight face, that he doesn’t have any flaws. Forget Diva Dude, this n*gga’s the motherf*ckin Hope Diamond.

2:20: As the jazz played in every sex scene in every Spike Lee movie ever made plays in the background, the clip ends with another cryptic voiceover about men being pussies and a shot of the DVD this trailer is based on. I think Dr. Buckingham should have chosen a better cover.

I have to say that, as far as trailers where the only women interviewed are in Greyhound station hair salons and the only men interviewed are at Kappa BBQs or prisons go, this wasn’t half bad. With that being said, there wasn’t any new insight. The crackheads selling lawnmowers outside of my barbershop could have told him that “good” Black men are single because they’re either too scared to commit or too full of themselves to even contemplate commitment, and they would have been much more entertaining interview subjects.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what did you think about the video? Are you mad at me for forcing you to waste 150 seconds of your life? Also, play Dr. for a minute and give you own personal reasons why you think so many Black men are choosing to stay single.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

The Most Backhanded Compliment Of All Time

Hmm...I'll take one of each in a size 10.

I had a revelation one day. It was volcanic. It was eruptious. It was epiphanic. And it cuts right to the core of why I know so many single women.

Yes, I know…nobody wants to hear again why Black women are single. Hell, I’m tired of talking about. And I think there are two main source reasons why we are all, both men and women, tired of hearing it:

1) The focus always goes right to any and all potential negative attributes of Black women, which frankly isn’t fair and places an undue burden on Black women to get their stuff together and who wants to constantly hear non-sense like that; and

2) It’s just annoying.

Now, as a board certified ninja AND karate expert (do you see what I did there?) and despite being tired of hearing and reading about it, its a conversation that I can’t run from to save my life. Oddly enough, no matter where I go, if there are more than three people gathered in my name at some point a chick’s unfair singleness will come into play. We’ll spend some amount of time talking about why she thinks she’s single, why I think she’s single, and then be unceremoniously interrupted by some person with the best.timing.ever. who will do something like yell out “boner patrol” that will end a conversation that cannot end on its own.

Hmmm…

I know a lot of good single women. And I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to determine why this is. I’ve come up with one overarching theme that I’m fairly certain I can attribute to about 75 percent of the women I come across. But be aware, it’s the most backhanded compliment ever:

So many Black women are single because there are too many good Black women.

Re-read that sentence and then let it marinate.

*Peach Cigarillo break*

Is it pandering? Perhaps. Is it making the word “good” too open-ended? Absolutely. But does it have merit? Sure as shootin’.

Peep game. Me and my boy have this theory that you can find a good quality in nearly any woman if you talk to her long enough. In fact, that’s the running joke amongst my boys and why we refuse to talk to unattractive women. If you talk to her long enough you might fall for her. So don’t do it. Harsh…you bet your arse it is. Nobody wants to be the dude who falls in love with the wolverine when he could have done something about it. Young, sad, and blue.

But if you can find a decent quality in a bustdown, you bet your arse you can find a reason to wife down a good looking woman. Which is where the problems start. Who do men like to talk to? Give yourself a pat on the back and a shot of Patron on yourself if you said attractive women. If you spend 10 minutes talking to most good looking women you can find at least one good reason to get her number (even if you decide you’re going to roll out without getting it b/c that interest isn’t very strong. Word to Panama Jackson.) Now this isn’t to say that these are all women you need to marry, but women worth getting to know better and giving an actual chance to.

And therein lies the problem, every chick most guys come across in the Reading Ninja community have the exact same stats. They’re all college-educated, decent job, fun-loving, individuals who are interesting if you take the time to get to know them. Now, you might find out that the chick you think you want to get to know sucks more thank a pr0n star vacuuming in a black hole, but that’s neither here nor there. Word to Panama Jackson.

The point is, most of the women a lot of us come across nowadays are in effect good catches. Every one’s possibly a good option. So why settle for this one when each one brings the same thing to the table. It’s the reason why men are always claiming to look for something different. Okay, that’s not entirely true, most of us claim to want a chick who’s different than the trifling women we claim to only come across. We are liars. I’d bet that if most dudes thought of the majority of women that they know, MAJORITY NOT ALL, a sizable portion could be good wifey material except that she’s just like everybody else he knows. Nothing stands out.

It’s an odd problem really. All women claim to be different, or at least want to be considered to be different from one another, but on the same criteria they judge us against (the resume, effectively) they all look the exact same. We’re stuck in a sea of look-good-on-paper women.

Which is why every woman who knows how to cook gets a leg up. Bazinga!

Game. Blouses.

So what do you think? Does my theory make sense? Is it possible that the biggest problem in the dating community for us eligible ninjas is that almost all of the women are decent enough making them all the status quo?

For the record, let’s save the: Naw, son, the biggest problem is that most of these broads is busted. It’s not true. And I’m the harshest person most of us know when it comes to that…and I’m a 3.

-VSB P aka YOUNG P THA FUNKY THUG aka SLIM P.A.N.A.M.A. tha SLIM PANAMANIAN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Single Woman Syndrome

"I should have been nicer. Maybe I could have kept a man. All those lace thongs and all I used them for was this curtain. What a waste. I'm dusty."

[***DISCLAIMER #1: Read the post. Don't just react to the title. It ain't single BLACK woman syndrome. I know the title alone just got some thongs in a bunch.  - The Mgmt***]

First off, I don’t make Black music. I don’t make white music. I make fight music, for high school kids. Oh, and shots fired.

Second, a definition.

Single Woman Syndrome. noun. a pathological set of behaviors that some women actively engage in that 9 times out of 10 ensures a life of unkilled kittens and grown cats. Not limited to dating, most women who actively exhibit the characteristics of the syndrome tend to be low on friends as well.

[***DISCLAIMER #2: All single women do not have single woman syndrome (as defined). I REPEAT, all single women do not have Single Woman Syndrome.***]

I know a lot of single women. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why the bulk of them are single. They’re good women with great personalities, attractive, they smile, and all seem to be up for some chandelier monkey sex (not that I know from personal experience. A jiggaboo I am not.). I attribute a lot of it to location, the point most of us are in life, blah blah blah. There are lots of reasons basically. And that sucks for them. I’m not trying to cry for them Argentina or anything, but I do hate to see a good set of ovaries going unloved.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, we got this other sh*t. Let’s just be blunt. We all know a lot of single women who seem to be hellbent on ensuring that they stay that way. Some of them look and act like they eat children (no punt intended) for breakfast and drink WD-40 for lunch. Some are as unassuming as unassuming can be until they sneak up on you and start throwing more red flags at you than Lil Wayne  at a communist smoker. And the red flags come. They’re the national symbol of a woman inflicted with Single Woman Syndrome. Antoine Dodson had on a red bandana. Do you know why? Because he has single woman syndrome.

Interesting enough, the same characteristics of SWS are the very ones women hate the most about their friends. Also, just to be fair, two things: 1) a lot of women who exhibit these symptoms manage to get a man, they just can’t keep one; and 2) a lot of men enable this behavior and even encourage it, which is how all these women manage to snag men while their single friends are left scratching their heads wondering if all men really do like crazy broads. It’s a vicious cycle really. Men suck, and we let women who suck be great. At sucking.

PUN.

Here are the signs of a chick with single woman syndrome:

1. Ruled by emotions

Emotions aren’t a bad thing. We all have them. There are entire songs dedicated to them and a popular singing group from the 60s was called The Emotions. They’re everywhere like a child of Antonio Cromartie. The problem is when certain women allow their emotions to guide all of their actions only to have to undo the damage later. Basically, we’re talking about the kind of people who will read the title of this post, comment on the title alone, and then wonder what the f*ck everybody else is talking about since I’m not slamming all women. Yeah, them ni**as. And it’s not that these women are averse to logic. Au contraire Michelle, my belle. In every other facet of life they can be quite logical and exact. But when it comes to the heart, all bets are off. He doesn’t answer the phone in time? Show up at his house and murder him. The first time something like that happens, you can usually laugh it off, but once you realize that a chick is ALWAYS responding that way, eeees no bueno.

2. Constant complainer

“Hey baby, its 75 degrees outside without a cloud in the sky and the federal government is giving out a free million to everybody to show us how much they appreciate us!”

“It would have been better if it was 80 degrees with at least like one cloud to cover the sun. And it better not rain. And a free million? They couldn’t give us two? Why are you calling me so early?”

“It’s 2pm. I love you.”

“Wait til 230pm next time. Love is fleeting booboo. And why are these kids outside my window doing math on the sidewalk? They can’t take that education inside?”

3. Always put you on the stand

When dating, the worst thing that can happen is to be dealing with somebody who does not know how to trust. It’s not that they don’t want to, they just don’t know how. Even a woman dating the most terrible of guys somehow manages to trust him at some point. Not these women. Nope. Even if the guy has done nothing to ever be untrustworthy, the first time broham even does something remotely off center, she’s got him on the stand defending himself. “I knew if I left you alone long enough you’d take that last cookie!!!!” “Baby, I took it out to give it to you…” “LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAR” “No, it has your name monogrammed now…I love you.” “LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”

4. Victims

I don’t mean like stabbing victims. I mean the type of woman who is never at fault. If something doesn’t go right, it’s because somebody else ruined it for her. Always. It’s not that dude did anything wrong, it’s just that dude didn’t do anything right either. And now he has to suffer for it. Not that he would know anyway, his girl is complaining remember? There was nothing he could have done right in the first place.

5. My way or the highway attitude

Similar to always having to take the stand comes the perspective problem. Basically, their perspective is THE one that matters. If you step outside of that, you either need to fix your prollem boss or justify why you made this mistake this time.

The interesting thing about these symptoms is that the friends of these women hate these things too and are usually quick to “forget” to invite them out or remember that they exist.

And why don’t these same issues apply to men? I mean, men are just as guilty of all these things as women are are, right? Right? Of course we are, but somehow, a completely flawed man can end up married without problem to a woman he’s about to ruin. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, women are just better people.

Well, at least those who don’t exhibit SWS.

It’s real in the field.

Does SWS exist or am I blowing smoke? Marijuana. Are there more characteristics? And if so, what? Does Panama hate love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. I HATE LOVE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3