A Second-By-Second Breakdown of “Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Black Men Remain Single”

0:01: As the ridiculous trailer to “Qualified, Yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single” — a new film created by “psychotherapist and relationship counselor” Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham to take a look at what’s really keeping “good” brothas from committing — begins, a strange fear comes over me. The awkward title, awkwarder graphics, and awkwardest song choice (“Umi Says?” Really?) lets me know that I’m in store for two minutes and 47 seconds worth of anti-classic material so snark-worthy and cheesy that, by the end of this clip, I’ll assume I was just Punk’d. Five seconds in, and I’m already looking forward to the fun I’m going to have making fun of this production.

So, where does the “strange fear” come from? As self-aware as I (hope I) am, a part of me can’t help but wonder if I, when I’m explaining why I’ve never been married, look and sound as ridiculous as the men on screen. I’m 93.2% certain that I don’t, but before I continue to chronicle this edition of Dr. Drew meets Everest College, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge what was in the back of my mind.

Anyway…

0:07: In what can easily be interpreted as a five second-long PSA for masturbation, a very sneakily attractive woman who clearly had no idea she was going to be on camera that day speaks about how women need to love themselves to keep from loving “the dogs.” If only someone told that to Michael Vick.

0:21: Am I the only one who thinks that Black men who rock ridiculous bow ties without a hint of irony should just have their names legally changed to “Bowtie Ass N*gga?” That’s just me? Ok. Moving on.

0:27: As the cameraman decides to focus on Bowtie Ass N*ggas’ teeth, I’m starting to wonder why, in a 150 second long clip about why “good” Black men are single, the first 30 seconds were spent discussing what women need to be doing differently. Hmmm.

0:32: I can say with complete confidence that I’ve never had another man look at me as intensely as Carl Thomas is looking at Bowtie Ass N*gga. Now, I’m not saying that it will never happen, and I also don’t mean to imply that there’s anything wrong with it happening if it happened to happen. All I’m saying is that I know that in my three decades on this planet, I’ve never had another man peer longingly into my soul with a thousand yard stare.

0:50: Is “Old ass guy on camera talking about how he’ll never get married until he finds his queen” the last step you take before becoming “Old ass guy at the club?

1:02: I have to say that I can relate to the sentiment expressed about not giving 100%. But, while the guy on screen blames his reluctance on a fear of the woman “not coming through,” I have no such fear, and I’m legitimately puzzled about where this insistence on living life on a peripheral level comes from. Maybe I’m scared of love and commitment. Maybe, to quote a character from “Mad Men” speaking about Don Draper, I “only like the beginnings of things.” Who knows?

1:12: If I was a marriage cynic, I’d make the counterargument that “qualified” men are staying single specifically because they’re using their “big” heads instead of the “little” ones. Basically, they’ve realized that the benefits of staying single outweigh the benefits of marriage. (I think) I’m not a marriage cynic though, so I won’t make that argument.

1:20: What was actually not really that bad of a video starts to spiral down hill as Kevin Hart’s Uncle Ritchie Jr. decides to make his first ever screen appearance. While he does make one very good sounding point with the type of rhythmic syntax regularly incorporated by Black politicians and predicate felons (“Good man in his head is a good man in his head only“), I couldn’t help but be reminded of why I have an irrationally rational fear of prison.

1:37: Guy in one of those confusing blazer/sweatshirt combo things you always find in discount racks at Macy’s makes a good point about good men and good women not finding each other. Still, no answers about why “good” Black men are single. This entire video is a red herring.

This is the point where someone should probably make the point that not all single men are single by choice. Some cats tell themselves that their singledom is a conscious decision when it really just comes down to the fact that  they just don’t have romantic/sexual access to the women they think they “deserve.”

This is also the point where I begin to curse myself for thinking that writing a second by second recap of this shit would be a good idea.

1:44: She’s cute in an “my ex boyfriend kind of still thinks we’re together and might break into your crib one day while you’re at work and sit on the couch and wait for you to get home so you can talk about things and resolve this situation” sort of way.

1:57: My favorite part of the video begins as Carl Thomas returns to the screen to bless us with his “very successful” presence, his unbuttoned blouse reminding us all of when our grandmothers told us not to trust Michael Beach or any other light-skinned man who wears long-sleeved shirts with no undershirt.

Actually, after hearing him talk some (and reading some of the comments attached to this video at Clutch), I definitely think the producer was looking for a “Hill Harper-ass n*gga” to put in his video, and just found the first one he could find. I think I’m just going to call him Phil Farper.

2:10: Not to be outdone by Phil Farper’s Phil Farperness, a guy in a gray H&M blazer says, with a straight face, that he doesn’t have any flaws. Forget Diva Dude, this n*gga’s the motherf*ckin Hope Diamond.

2:20: As the jazz played in every sex scene in every Spike Lee movie ever made plays in the background, the clip ends with another cryptic voiceover about men being pussies and a shot of the DVD this trailer is based on. I think Dr. Buckingham should have chosen a better cover.

I have to say that, as far as trailers where the only women interviewed are in Greyhound station hair salons and the only men interviewed are at Kappa BBQs or prisons go, this wasn’t half bad. With that being said, there wasn’t any new insight. The crackheads selling lawnmowers outside of my barbershop could have told him that “good” Black men are single because they’re either too scared to commit or too full of themselves to even contemplate commitment, and they would have been much more entertaining interview subjects.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what did you think about the video? Are you mad at me for forcing you to waste 150 seconds of your life? Also, play Dr. for a minute and give you own personal reasons why you think so many Black men are choosing to stay single.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)