Tag Archives: sexxy time

Fantasy Island: 5 Things That Are Probably Better In Theory Than Reality

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They should have never slept together.

People by nature are an inquisitive bunch. We all take several flights of fancy throughout the course of the day. Most of us envision what we’d rather be doing instead of working the job we don’t want at the company we don’t like. I spend more time sitting envisioning what my life would be like if I became a Samoan who dabbled in the fine art of origami while noodling a Swedish Nigerian Oriental Pygmy Amazon than I do what my life looks like as a sexxy debonair couch f*ckin’ gangsta mac.

While that may seem a little odd to you, just imagine what I’d do with a clothes hangar and some shotgun shells.

Things is, they’re fantasies for a reason. Generally, they’re not possible or all around ridiculous. Yet and still, many of us think that our fantasies are what life is all about. Some of these fantasies are also better in theory than in reality. Such as:

1. Threesomes

I can neither confirm nor deny that I’ve ever been involved in one. But logistically speaking, threesomes really don’t make much sense. For one, 2 girls 1 cup guy, while seemingly a male fantasy really isn’t constructed to be good for anybody but the dude. Why two chicks who aren’t being paid to perform would indulge in such is beyond me. Not that I’m knocking it, just saying I don’t get it. And two dudes? I’ve seen some film of ill repute where sword fighting ensued and quite frankly, that terrifies me. How do you look at your boy the same again after you’ve grazed one another? I feel like there has to be a support group for those guys. Crossed Swords Support Society or something.

2. Cougar love

So I half-a**edly watched the BET Honors last night with Gabrielle Union hosting. She sucks. And not in a good way. In fact, Gabrielle Union has become so vapid and boring that she’s increasingly becoming less attractive. That has nothing do with cougar love. Cicely Tyson was a recipient and my mind immediately thought about how old she must really be (and no I don’t trust Wikipedia, I’m sure I saw Cicely Tyson in a Charlie Chaplin film) and further, how unexciting it must be to smack bellies with a woman who actually invented sex. Something about old stank scares me. While I’ve said that I’d schlong down an old chick, the truth is, I felt truly bad for Eddie Murphy in Boomerang. How he managed to take that one for the team made me respect him as a gentleman and a scholar.

3. Being bound

You know, I have NO desire to be apart of any S&M behavior, but I can’t lie, I’ve thought about it before. Except, whips and chains…like didn’t we kind of hate that sh*t back in the 1800s? Or were we just upset that we really didn’t have any say so? Plus, what if somebody actualy forgets the key and handcuffs you to a bedpost. Sure it looks funny on TV in a sitcom, but what if that happens in real life? Plus, what if you’re chick (or dude) ends up going all Kathy Bates on that arse and you can’t do nothing because you’re all bound up and what not…which reminds me of…

4. Candle wax

Hot.Like.Fire. <——-It seems all sexxy and sensuous but really its just hot. It’s hard to stay in the mood when you can smell your flesh being absorbed into the lavendar wax that’s being dripped all over your torso. Plus, you’re gonna need that candle after you all drink coffee later. Matches don’t cover up ALL the smell.

5. Food

I remember watching the movie Trippin’ and one of the characters put a banana in the crack of a young aspiring stripper’s heiny. Now, as opposed to that just looking sexxy – and let’s face it, what could possibly sexxier than seeing a banana in all of its unpeeled glory laying flush in the crack of some suspecting supple derriere -  I immediately thought about how disgusting that actually is, and further about the fact of how nasty it actually is to use some certain foodstuffs. Like whipped cream. Like whipped cream on the schlong and then vaginal insertion? Um….that sounds like asking for more trouble than three Black guys walking down the street in Boston with a drugged up white chick singing “She Swallowed It”.

Anything else that seems better in theory than it does in reality?

Gimme what you got.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Indoor Baby Pool

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It’s a good thing that ninjas don’t read.

And do you know why? Of course you don’t. Here’s why: according to a study conducted by a professor at the State University of New York at Albany, women who have unprotected sex are less depressed and less likely to commit suicide than those women who have protected sex. It would seem that man’s happy juice actually…

…makes you feel better.

Who knew that after all those years of trying to convince women that it was good for your hair, skin, and nails every time we “missed”, that the truth is it really IS helpful to your life. Intro had it right. Give a chick a little Rawdog Hanglow and Frosting and you just might save her life. How about that?

The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful—and potentially addictive—mood-altering chemicals.

Can you imagine the game that these young boys might be running on their chicky counterparts with this type of knowledge? Even further, how many women upon reading that information really considered it like, “I haven’t been in the best moods lately, perhaps I just need some of that long schlong and sauce combo.”

It’s interesting, no? And it does open a whole barrage of questions and ponderances. Face it, there are a lot of women out there who don’t seem happy that most of us think need some stroking anyway. So imagine if they got the daddy stroke and the children’s pool? They might become the happiest women on Earth. Hell we might be able to singlehandedly save relationships this way. Keep a chick happy, or at least away from being depressed, and she won’t be a raging maniac. No stereotypes.

I wonder if any men, in all seriousness, would notice that their girlfriends were going through “something” and suggest this as a means of possibly making them feel better. I wonder if any woman would actually go for this. Which brings up another interesting question: who’s more likely to suggest going raw, men or women?

I bring that up because I’m sure it depends on who you ask. Women are going to say that men are always trying to get in the pool with no life preserver, but I know plenty of women who are anti-condoms and will think its okay to go raw as long as you trust the person you’re with. I’ve also heard the words from a woman, “it’s okay if you don’t have a jimi, I’m on the pill. We’re fine.” I can’t imagine too many people fessing up to that one but I’m really curious as to who’s most likely to suggest it.

As you can see, I really just wanted to post this article up and get people’s reaction to it. I mean we all know that fellatio makes women feel better about themselves but this new – legit – study adds a whole new dimension to the debate. Not that I expect women everywhere to decide to run raw, especially given today’s cesspool environment and the potential STD cocktail awaiting many unsuspecting victims.

But I ask of you, VSBers, would you consider having unprotected sexxy time if you knew it would keep you from being depressed, or let’s even see, we knew scientifically that it would make you feel better? Men would you be okay with that? Or would you agree to do such a thing? Like is this one of those things where you only agree to do it so long as all the proper tests have been administered and the chick on birth control? Say she wasn’t on the BC but you KNEW it would effectively get her out of the funk she’s been in for the past two months? Ladies, would you do it? Fellas, would you be up for it?

This is a curious topic because, it’s just so odd. Good people of VSB, what say you?

-VSB P aka DR. pSCIENCE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Game That Guys Run Even When We Don’t Know It

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We’ve written a lot about game here lately. Perhaps we should start a series or something. You know what? A blog series?

That’s game.

Anyway, I have a question for the peanut gallery? What’s the most important thing to a woman?

*numerous people putting their hands where my eyes can see*

You there, with the 8-Ball jacket on?

Stability!?

Good job, padawan. And throw in responsibility and the ability to make them laugh for good measure. While men are more concerned with a woman’s hip-to-arse ratio, flexibility, and how good she is at playing the silent game, women are concerned about security and stability. Men want their women doing nude handstands and women will do it as long as there is a brace in place to keep them up. Women are (generally) concerned about the long yardage whereas men care about the short game. It’s been like this since those two cavemen started Geico in 2 million BC back when the slogan was “Make ‘Em Say Uggggggh”.

*rimshot*

Given what we know about women, I’ve come to the conclusion that men are out here running game on women without even knowing it. Word.Life. Everyday when a man hops up out of his bed and turns his swag on, and looks in his mirror to say what’s up, he’s running game. And do you know why? What do you need to look in the mirror?

Lights. That means he paid his light bill.

Paying bills? That’s game.

I see you looking at me like, yo, Vitamin P, I know you can do better than that. Why don’t you kick a little something for them cars that be bumpin?

Alright.

1) Good Credit

A long time ago, I had this bright idea to get a tshirt made that said, “I’m A Black Man With Good Credit” and on the back put my credit score. I never made that shirt, but if there’s one thing that perks up a woman with a degree it’s a man with a good credit score. Even if I’m more Trey than Songz, I couldn’t lose with a shirt like that. Nothing says stable like a good credit score. By the way, if you’re credit score is roughly your age, reading this blog won’t increase your score. And if Methuselah is reading this, and his credit score is his age, then he’s doing a-ok.

2) Volunteer

You know what warms my heart? A blanket. Do you know what warms many women’s hearts? A man who cares about other people. I used to volunteer at this high school in DC and I can’t tell you how many women were in there helping out. How many Black men? Two of us. It was a veritable buffet of liberal, pot smoking idealist women with big hair and non-profit salaries. Your only requirement is to NOT MESS IT UP. Dudes, if you volunteer, the women will take notice. Especially if it’s not just part of some social organization volunteer requirement. Like do it on your own. Self-love.

3) Be funny

We’ve covered this ad nauseum but a funny man – even a funny looking one – can always meet women. If he’s just funny by nature, he’ll stay winning because women like smiling. It just touches a part of them that makes them want to do happy things and say happy sayings. You become infinitely more attractive by being funny and therefore you have upped your options in the dating pool. That? Is game.

4) Be a good writer

You had to see this one coming. While I can definitely speak for myself and The Champ, I can’t speak on the motivations for every other male blogger. But if you can write well AND are funny…let’s just say it’s a combination that women really enjoy. It’s game. You use the talents you’re born with and women find it appealing. Not me though. Nobody loves Panama Jackson.

^Is called pandering. Mostly because we all know it’s a lie. I’m sexxy beeeyotch.

5) Help an old lady across the street

Game. Set. Match. I’ve ACTUALLY seen a woman give my boy her number because he walked Cicely Tyson across the street. Speaks to responsibility.

6) Own something

No, literally anything. Own a decrepit piece of property. Own a shellfish. Own a shell. It all works because paying taxes is 2/47 of the law, but ownership will keep you winning 12 times out of 8.

7) Be employed

Duh. There’s definitely romance without finance. But you’re not dating a woman who reads without a job. Actually that’s a lie. As long as you have goals women will give you a break. So let’s just say having a job ups your credentials and therefore is game. G-5? Naw son…bingo.

Anyway, good denizens of the jungle no bunny, what other game do men run without even knowing it?

(I think I might do this woman’s version too, just to be fair. EOE and what not.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka VITAMIN P aka 40p aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Things You Can Learn On The Dance Floor…While Dancing

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If gangstas don’t dance -  they boogie – then it’s time for the percolator. And if that made any sense to you whatseover, welcome to the terrordome.

With that said, I’m here to tell you (mostly) ladies out there that all the time you spend on dates attempting to find out if you should waste the next two years of your life dating a man can be avoided with one simple, and possibly short, daliance: take him to the dance floor. I’d say that the same holds true for men but the truth is, there are A LOT of non-dancing ass wack dancing women out there. It actually baffles how many women have very little rhythm. It’s almost offensive really. I would blame the heels but the truth is, reading black women spend so much time developing their oratory skills (PUN) that they forget to have fun at the club.

You can’t just look cute. Sometimes you have to put in work.

To my point. Target.

One of the most important parts of relationshipping is chemistry. You can force it for a while, but chemistry never lies. One of the best ways to test chemistry is to dance together. Let your bodies intertwine and make sauce. Saucy. There are all kinds of things you can tell about the potential suitor merely from swaying to some swaggalicious swan songs. That’s super.

Such as?

Thought you’d never ask.

1) Ability to dance

Yeah, it’s obvious but do you know how much it sucks to be dating somebody who cannot dance a lick. And I’m not talking ballroom dancing. I’m talking the kind of dancing that requires the ability to catch a groove with somebody and merely two step back and forth…on time. And oh yes, hang that sign up on the door. Don’t disturb this groove. No coordination means that when it comes time to do le do, somebody’s going to need an iambic pentameter. That’s no bueno.

2) Rhythm

In life, we kind of expect people to be able to move in some sort of rhythmic motion. Apparently this is a retarded expectation. Dancing brings it all to the forefront. And you know that if a dude has no rhythm on a dancefloor, well, you remember Anne-Marie Johnson in Strictly Business? Yeah, you will become her. Real talk, NOBODY wants to date anybody they have to give directions to. Unless of course your directions are for him to put it on your forehead. Heh heh heh.

3) Hands

When you are dancing all close and got sweat dripping all oveeeeer yo’booooooody, you’ll be able to know if a man knows what to do with his hands by the way he “feels you up”. Of course he shouldn’t be Google mapping your boobs with his hands and then landing but there’s a certain sensuality that can be achieved with just hands alone. A well placed hip-check and mid-section touch can send a chick into euphoria. Or to the bar to get her boy, Black, for touching you too much. But if you and Lawnquishagrassawnya are really vibing, she might give you that good grindage.

4) Handleage

Some women, particularly West Indian women really give it to you on the dance floor. It aint’ for the lightweights, faint of heart, or those with bad backs. If a dude can’t handle what you’re giving him on the dance floor, how the f*ck is he supposed to handle it at home. He’ll find a way to keep backing up and regaining his feet and he’ll carry that into your personal finances. What’s the connection? I have no idea. But you’re still reading anyway.

5) Commitment

If a dude is REALLY vibing with you, he’s going to ride that puppy out until YOU decide you’re done and ready to exchange information. Also, after you all take a break, he will probably still want to talk to you and find out more. Yes, a solid dance can be that crucial. A ninja that ain’t worth two nickels will roll out no matter HOW good the vibe is and hi-five you while he goes to talk to a chick that looks better than you.

And why is Ebony Jackson so doggone perfect?!

Anyway, ladies, do you think dancing can give you any indication about a man? Fellas, what can you tell about a chick that can dance? Or can’t?

Love. Love. Love.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Truth About Men

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If you let current literature tell it, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and Lil Wayne is from some oddly named planet in a land far far away. And while there’s truth to it, the fact is, men are fairly simple enough to accept. I’d say understand but the truth is, men and women do not understand one another. The more people accept this fact, the less people would be trying to understand just what Jay and Beyonce talk about on their alone time.

I actually don’t think they talk to one another, but that’s a whole other talk show.

Anyway, as a service to mankind, I shall outline 10 simple truths about men.

1. “A woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life…”

This line was uttered by Phonte of Little Brother/Foreign Exchange on Little Brother’s song, “Breakin’ My Heart” on GetBack. That might be the most poignant utterance in the history of utterances. Mostly because it’s so true. Women spend so much time trying to find love, they can’t understand why men don’t feel the same way. Frankly, because for us, love is just a part of life – and that love can come from a $2 ho for some guys. I mean, do you know what a $2 ho will do for those 2 bucks? I don’t think you do. It’s deep.

Pun.

2. We lie, because that’s what you really want to hear. In that sense, we’re saints and martyrs all wrapped up in one. We’re Tiger Woods hitting on Mother Theresa.

If you don’t want to hear that you look like a barn in that outfit, when you know you do, don’t ask. Sensitivity is something little boys who play with dolls learn. G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip was an action figure, not a doll, by the way. We don’t normally realize you’re mad until AFTER you shoot back the glance. Thing is, ladies, it’s your fault. Don’t make us lie, and we won’t.

*snicker*

3. Some men do lie just because. Thing is, you already know this, why are you so damn disappointed?

I’ll never understand why nearly every woman I know thinks that men are liars and then gets all shocked and pantied-bunched when they find out their man lied to them. You ain’t special. According to the current media sh*t storm, if you’re a Black woman with a man, you’re a lucky minority (like a Black leprechaun). Oh yeah, and if you’re a white woman,  you’ve done NOTHING wrong, ever. Word to Fox News.

4. Until we say I love you, without you prompting it, we don’t.

You’ll know a man loves you when he just can’t stop himself from telling you. If you ask a man if he loves you, and he says, “yes”, he still hasn’t technically said it, he just answered the question that creates the shortest distance between two points: your mouth and his schlong.

5. Your degree and/or place of employment means absolutely nothing to us if you look like a cactus.

Even if you’re fine as May wine, we still don’t care unless you make way more money than we do, in which case, it is discussed on a case-by-case basis. Sorry, but it’s true.

6. When we act disinterested in you, it means we’re disinterested in  you. It does not, however, mean for you to try harder.

And yes, Margaret, we can still sleep with you without any interest whatsoever. We said we didn’t like you, your boobs have done nothing to us for us to not like them.

7. Actions speak louder than words. But unless he says the words, don’t go assuming anything.

Espcially don’t assume he’s your man. That always ends badly – like Hurricane Katrina badly. More simply, if we never say I love you or that you are our girlfriend, we don’t and you aren’t.

8. The fact that we’ll sleep with you and your friends doesn’t make us trifling – it means you need better friends.

Women tend to assume that there’s some code about not boning friends of friends. Must have been a white guy who started all that.

9. Nudity does not guarantee that we are interested in you.

It means that we both thought being nude was a good idea at the time.

10. Generally, men don’t like “b*tches”. We like stong and assertive women.

Attitude doesn’t make you strong and assertive. It means you have an attitude. You should give that to Garcon Garcon at the door there.

These are 10 truths about men. And this goes out to you, and you…this goes out to you.

Community of folks, what are other truths about men that women need to know? And to my estrogenitas out there, what are some truths about women that men won’t seem to accept.

Do your community service today and speak on it.

For the kids.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3