Tag Archives: sex

When You’re Mad?

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I love the entertainment industry.

Girl, seeing you all mad just makes me want to jump your bones. Nevermind that I spent all of your savings. Yousofine!

Where else can you live out your wildest dreams and be the person you always wished you could be despite obvious physical and aesthetic limitations or the constant failures of reality.

Such is the case with Ne-Yo (who also provided the most baffling character ever in Red Tails, a truly sh*tty movie. Seriously, who signed off on that role? Damn you George Lucas).

It’s no secret that I watch videos incessantly. Hell, I can spend a whole day just watching MTV Jams and vh1 Soul. This past weekend, I resawed Ne-Yo’s video for the song “When You’re Mad”, some six or seven years after its debut.  It’s not a bad song, though I do think that the song’s message will be wildly misconstrued and result in some poor sap getting his ass straight mollywopped by his girl for smirking when she’s truly pissed off.

Of course, that would require anybody to actually care about Ne-Yo and I suppose that’s another beast altogether. Real talk, go see Red Tails and understand why Ne-yo should never matter.

I’ll get to the premise later. Let’s start with Ne-Yo.

I remember a long (!!!) time ago when Mr. Cheeks video for “Lights, Camera, Action” came out. In the beginning of that video, when Mr. Cheeks enters the club, the “cheeks” lights go off and all the strippers know that he’s in the building. You see, in his video, Mr. Cheeks is akin to the president. When Cheeks shows up, the cheeks show up. Get it?

Me and my boys used to get a kick out of the video because the video hoes really sold the idea that Mr. Cheeks was indeed that important. Unrealistic? Of course, but in Mr. Cheeks video, he gets to be God. You have to love the opportunities that come to people who probably aren’t nearly as cool as they come off in videos.

Ne-Yo, bless his heart, is not an attractive man. Yet, in his videos, he gets to be the hearthrob; he is the man that women covet and for who’s back his woman has to watch. Usher he is not, but in his videos, he can be Denzel and his flock a gaggle of 30-50 year old black women.

I don’t care what anybody says, America is a great place.

This song, “When You’re Mad” is about how Ne-Yo can’t help but be carnally turned on whenever his girlfriend gets upset with him. He just wants to tear her up when she gets that little wrinkle-nosed face going on because he has ticked her off. Throughout the video is a montage of women with various pissed off faces and demeanors that I suppose (it is a video remember) make Ne-Yo feel rather randy. I’ll admit, it’s a rather “cute” video. It made me chuckle a time or two at the various reason his woman chose to be pissed at him.

However, I think the video seriously understates how “mad” a woman just may be and an appropalate course of action. And if you’ve seen the movie Trippin’ you will know that appropalate is indeed a real word.

Y’alls is some real dubiostic types.

(By the way, yes, again, I realize that its just a video. Thanks, MGMT)

What it seems to me is that his girl isn’t actually mad, she’s more just ticked off. Temporarily to boot. There is no mad going on here. His girl sees him taking pictures with “fans” and gets upset. Basically, his girl is jealous that he gives other women attention. Sucks for her…I mean doesn’t she realize she’s dating Ne-Yo. International superstar Ne-Yo?????

*crickets*

Like I said. It’s his video.

Thing is, there is no real just cause to be pissed so usually, a smile, a chuckle, and a “baby, why you trippin, you know I only love you” would suffice in most of these instances. Followed by a, “hey, you want me to keep getting you nice things? You do. Then I suggest you shut the fuck up.”

Then again. She isn’t mad.

Has anybody here ever dated somebody and either you or they got royally pissed??

*hands shoot up across the globe*

Was your first thought ever to really smile and then try to jump their bones? No? Me neither. When I get truly pissed, which has only happened a few times…I see red. It ain’t no lovely lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins.

Wow. I’ve said some pretty suspect shit in my day, but I think, “lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins” might just top the list.

Cry for me Argentina.

Now, I realize I’m being a stickler for details and accuracy here and I know its just a fun song intended to explain to women how them being upset with men makes men all turned on and shit. I’m just afraid some poor little kid is going to see this video and think that when his girl gets mad at him, it is totally okay to turn to an imaginary camera, chuckle twice, then look at her and go try to lay the ass-smackdown on her. He just might catch an eye-jammy.

This just brings up another point. There is a big difference between a woman being upset/slightly ticked off and her being mad or truly pissed. The former is usually a very temporary thing and can be resolved with a well timed, “baby, why you trippin’. Girl you know I-I-I-I love you. I will give you the sun the moon the stars the sky and the mountains…I’ll give you the worrrrrrrrrrrld. Baby, smile for me so I can see Heaven in your eyes.” You know, something along those lines. Basically, small little petty shit that most humans are bound to irrationally fall victim too from time to time. It happens to everybody.

The latter however, which would be the “mad or truly pissed” part, well thats a little different. If you have truly pissed off your woman, it’s gonna take more than a “girl i love you” to appease her. You must have done something like showed up with a box of condoms and one was missing. Despite the fact that you are truly just a juvenile male and used one to hang from your next door neighbors doorknob, you will be in trouble. Or maybe you didn’t show up when you said you were going to show up and your girl was stuck in the middle of Ohio all alone or some shit. Those things will not be resolved shortly.

You know, I don’t feel like discussing this anymore.

Bottom line, I’m concerned for the kids who will watch these videos and be influenced negatively since videos and music dictate our lives and I’m concerned about marriage in America.

So ladies, question, can a little sexual attention take you out of your upset or angry stupor? We’re trying to save relationships here. Help brothas out. Or was Ne-yo trying to get men killed with that message he was sending to both men and women?

Brothas have you ever just laughed at your girl being mad and tried to jump her bones successfully? And ladies, would you be upset with your man if he tried to get all carnal on that arse after a spat, or does it just depend on how pissed you are?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NE-YO I AM NOT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Peep the flyer for the party in DC this Saturday, also serving as the official afterparty for The Musicianship Diane Grainger Tribute featuring Afro Blue (cop tickets now! I’ll be there)…holla at ya hustla! RSVP for free admission before 11pm!

 

 

 

Five Legitimately F*cked Up Things All Men Do To Women (Yes. All.)

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"You sure you don't want some Kool-Aid? I'll even get you some ice. And a pickle."

We’ve all been there before.

Girl invites boy over for movies, lukewarm purple Kool-Aid, and the unspoken assertion that, unless Boy shows up smelling like pickles or dressed like Chris Brown, Boy and Girl are going to have sex that night. Boy manages not to mess things up, and, lo and behold, the night ends with Boy and Girl making the beast with two backs. Boy and Girl have had sex with each other before, so this is no big deal. But, for whatever reason, sex seems to be a bit more intense tonight. The “mac and cheese” sound¹ is in full effect as moans are a little louder, growls are a little deeper, and the concept of time is a complete non-motherf*cking factor. Boy has a laser beam-like focus on Girl’s various spots, making Girl speak languages that have been dead for five centuries. When Girl eventually climaxes, the earth will shake, the moon will blush, and the ghosts of Ikea will place a phantom order to replace Girl’s soon to be broken bed. Girl enthusiastically lets Boy know that she’s 32 to 47 seconds away from orgasm, a statement that excites Boy and forces him hit spots with even more precision. Unfortunately, Boy becomes a bit too excited, and Boy climaxes right when Girl has hit the 5 to 8 second mark. Boy, realizing Girl’s thisclose to a cop calling orgasm, tries to finish the job, but isn’t erect enough to hit Girl’s spots anymore. Seconds later, Boy is completely flaccid. Boy rolls over, says “I’m sorry” and offers to get Girl some lukewarm Kool-Aid while Girl lays in bed and wonders if a female judge would acquit her if she happens to kill Boy but tells the judge her reasoning for the murder.

Regardless of age, color, creed, and feelings about Linsanity, every sexually active man reading this has “stopped short” before. We can’t help it. Even though we know that if we can hold off for just 10 more seconds your body will turn hot day fire hydrant, sometimes we’re just unable to stop.

Sure, there are certain ways to prolong things when this happens (i.e.: think about Kurt Cobain, switch positions, scream “Don’t move a gotdamn inch!!!!”, etc), but sometimes things reach a point of no return, and the woman’s near climax will be forever lost to the deep, dark, surprisingly damp, and surprisingly angry space in space where “close, but not quite orgasms” eventually settle.

Anyway, “stopping short” is just one of the many legitimately f*cked up things all men do to women, and here’s four more. 

2. Eat all of your food, and drink each of your beverages

Out of all the things on this list, this one isn’t really our fault. You can’t say things like “Make yourself at home.” and then get pissed when we take you to your word and eat all of your leftover pizza, half of your Cheetos, each of your lettuce wraps, and a full slab of your turkey bacon. 

3. Pretend like we did absolutely nothing to encourage women to continue flirting with us

It’s usually nothing too disrespectful or too egregious. But, despite how much we feign ignorance, we know when women are flirting with us, and we also know that all it takes to dead the flirting is to act indifferent, apathetic, or even occasionally annoyed. Despite this knowledge, we’ll still return the smile or the hug or the lunch invitation or even ever so slightly laugh at her attempt at “Ok, I’m going to say something that’s supposed to be funny. It’s clearly not, though. Let’s see if he takes the bait and laughs” humor.

4. Intentionally give awful dating advice

My favorite is when men suggest that, since it’s the 21st century, chicks need to “woman up” and start approaching guys.

Nevermind the fact that no man in the history of mandom has ever been in a happy and healthy relationship with a woman who approached, bagged, and pursued him. We’re generally lazy motherf*ckers who just enjoy when women put in some of the work…even though these “working” women probably aint ever gonna make it past the 2am Wendy’s drive-thru.

5. Pretend like we’re completely unable to remember birthdays, anniversaries, plans, shopping instructions, and any other information more important to you than it is to us

Admittedly, I probably do this more than anything else on the list. I can tell you exactly what Michael Jordan’s average PPG was in the 86-87 NBA season without googling it (37.1), but if a woman I happen to be seeing asks me to remember to pick up some eggs and celery from the store before I come home, my brain all of a sudden turns Tyga as I’ll faux-try to remember those difficult-ass details so hard that I’ll start drooling; a elaborate subterfuge with a clear and precise goal in mind: She never asks me to do that again

Anyway people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you think of any other legitimately f*cked up things all men regularly do to women? Also, fellas, can you think of legitimately sh*tty sh*t that all women do to us?

¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

Double Up: Five Really Cool Reasons To Wear A Condom

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See how cute they look? They're precious and sh*t.

Something dawned on me while reading the comments to yesterday’s post. Wearing some sort of protection while having sex has always been sold as the right and the smart and the healthy thing to do, and this pitch is usually accompanied with all the horrible things that can possibly happen to you — STDs, pregnancy, pulled pork vaginas, etc — to scare people into doing it. And, while fear is definitely a great motivator (perhaps our greatest motivator), how fun is it do to something just because you’re worried about what would happen if you didn’t? (At this point, feel free to insert whatever analogy you want to about religion.)

No object better embodies this feeling than the condom, which is either thought of as (at best) a necessarily evil or (at worst) just plain motherf*cking evil. With this in mind, I decided to devote today to a few cool reasons for guys to strap up.

1. Less sensitivity = Longer sessions

No one will argue that sex with a condom feels better than condom-less sex, but you could make the argument that wearing a condom can actually produce better sex. I’d estimate that wearing one increases your PPS count (PPS = Pumps Per Session) count by 30%. Basically, if you’re a guy who can typically give 40-60 good pumps before succumbing to the vagina monster, with a condom that number jumps to 52-78 pumps. That little jump right there can be the difference between a woman wanting to cuddle and talk and sh*t to you afterwards and her catching a case of PBBSN (PBBSN = Post-Back Breaking Sudden Narcolepsy) and just falling the hell out.

2. It’s much easier to fake it

Sh*t happens sometimes.

3. No clean up

Easily the worst part of sex, the always messy, always sticky post-coital clean up is — according to the Mormons — God’s way of shaming us for not ejaculating inside of a woman. Now, was that last sentence actually true? Who knows and who cares? I do know, though, that if you don’t have enough game to convince her to perform the neatest option (swallowing), a condom is the next best choice.

4. Worry-less sex

While raw sex is great, you can never allow yourself to fully commit mentally because, from “I hope I pull out in time” to “Wait, did I pull out in time?” you have too much else on your mind. Condoms allow you to go full sexual retard.

5. Buying them makes you feel like a grown-ass man

Along with paying your bills, buying produce, and checking Facebook and seeing that your high school prom date has just welcomed her second grandchild, walking in a store and buying condoms is one of those tasks that just makes you feel like a grown-ass man. Also, for those who feel a little awkward about the look the cashier might give you when you’re at the register, just remember that you’re basically announcing “Yup, dry-d*ck motherf*ckers, I’m about to get some. How do you like those apples?” to everybody in line.

Anyway, that’s it for me today. People of VSB, condoms need some better PR, so can you think of any other really cool reasons why we should wear them?

—The Champ

F*ck It, It Was My Birthday Anyway

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Gotcha, b*tch!!! Happy birthday!

One of the more famous and oft-quoted skits in the reading ninja community is track 6 off of Andr 3000 from Outkast’s The Love Below album. The skit is entitled “Where Are My Panties?” No need tolink it or quote the whole thing because if you don’t know it, I feel sorry for your mother. Or mudda.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve personally told, “ooooh, I just wanna lay in yo’ haaaaaaaaaiyah.” In fact, I’m sure that skit did more for women with natural hair than TCB, white men, and Angela Davis combined. Now, the most intriguing part of it was when the chick says the famous lines:

“He gon’ think I’m a ho. F*ck that, I liked it. I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway. Maybe I should just lay here and let him touch my booty.”

While I’m sure that nearly every woman has had a “where are my panties?” moment (and trust me ladies, most of us guys wake up wondering where your panties are too…sooner we find them, sooner you go home), I wonder how many have been as a result of some chick really being on some, “f*ck it’s my birthday…” steez.

Basically, how many of you dames out there really invoke the “Anything Goes On My Birthday” mantra to excuse doing something that you probably shouldn’t have not had done? I’m really curious about this because I can’t exactly imagine a non-effeminate straight dude making such a proclomation and getting away with it at all. I’m guessing most guys ain’t trying to rationalize it so much as just hoping nothing bad comes from it. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one time: the greatest victory is waking up after a drunken one night stand to a ripped open condom wrapper on the floor. That’s when you hit the *Giada de Laurentiis tiny fist hand clap* and the *Tiger Woods fist pump* in succession. My brothas out there know what I’m talking about. Not that I’d know from firsthand experience or anything.

Granted, any and all of this requires you to actually tell somebody else what you did and then following it up with the birthday rationalization and that might make the whole thing moot.

Luckily, here at VSB most of us don’t really know eachother so letting the beans spill ain’t no Biggie. Shyne.

But that makes me wonder what are valid “it was my birthday” rationalizations. Here’s my guess-list.

1. Smanging a dolphin an ex

I imagine that more women get them some comfort wang during birthday week than any other week of the year, assuming she’s single. Also, do any men actually take more than the day to celebrate their birthday? Like a birthday week? A weekend might be okay, but a dude celebrating a week or month? Diva dude with a**north tendencies.

2. Making out with a chick

We’ve covered to various degree random chick hookups and I’m too lazy to go back and find them but I can see a chick being like “hey, it’s my birthday…yay…come here Maria!!! *tongue down*”

3. Totally losing their sh*t behind somebody not going with the plan

Mi hombres? We’ll usually be like “f*ck it, let him roll” but I think women get extra emotional points to use on the America Express during their birthday shenanigans so if somebody doesn’t go along to get along, women can act out. I’m only saying this because I’ve seent it with my own to eyes followed by, “that b*tch knows its my birthday. She better come correct.”

4. Extreme indulgence

Chocolate. Clothing. Shoes. Staples. Pencil lead. Coffee mug. Telephones.

Brick Tamland: I love…carpet. I love…desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Ahem.

I’ve seen women splurge on things with the passion of Mel Gibson on their birthdays. And there really ain’t nothing you can say to ‘em. Everybody deserves to be spoilted I suppose.

5. Feeling up Panama Jackson in the club

This almost never happens.

So ladies, do you live by that mantra? And if so, what exactly constitutes something you can get away with because it’s your birthday? To the homeys out there, have you ever tried to invoke such a rule? And how’d that go? Have you ever been apart of some woman’s birthday shenanigans?

Talk to me. Petey.

It’s Friday, people. I came to bring the pain.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DUSTY VAUGHAN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Killer P: Signs That She’ll Probably Put It On You

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"Sure babe. I'll steal that necklace from my aunt. Just show me your high school track highlight tape again"

Problem: Queasiness

Youre grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, the yard shouldnt have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it. If youre verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that youre probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.

The paragraph above is from “Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them).” And, although the title is a bit misleading — when I saw “Five Moves…” I thought the article would be about actual bad sexual “moves” like “When she’s about to climax, it’s probably not the best idea to grin and pinch your own nipples” — it does offer some sound advice. I assume most women would agree that aneasily queasy man is a big turnoff, and it’s not hard to see how a man possessing a few of the other traits listed — indecisiveness, being toofidgety, etc — might tell a woman that he sucks in the sack.

I was originally tempted to write a response titled “Signs That She’s Bad in Bed,” but since I could only think of two (“Her breath stinks” and “She’s a Delta”) I’ve decided to go in another direction, compiling the decades worth of notes from my own experiences as well as my friend’s, and list a few signs that she just might put it on you.

She really, really, really enjoys food

Women who seem to genuinely enjoy the entire food eating process — and you can usually tell these women because they’ll go through mini-orgasms when eating and even talking about their favorite foods — also seem to enjoy the entire sex having process just as much. I don’t know where the correlation is, but my guess is that some women just really like for things to be in their mouths.

She was/is an athlete

Every guy who’s ever dated a former high school or college athlete is nodding his head in solemn agreement and x-ing out this window toscourFacebook and see exactly what the members of the college track team are doing with their lives right now

Men approach her all of the gotdamn time

Now, I’m not talking about random street catcalls or direct messages on Twitter, but women who always seem to get approached by men are usually so popular because they’re subconsciously putting off an “I will curl your toes like fried shrimp” signal.

She doesn’t really sweat things (or people)…ever

As one of my college teammates once told me, “If she’s anal, she won’t do anal.” Now, does it matter that this is the same teammate who eventually got kicked off the team for stealing shower curtains from TJMaxx? I don’t think so.

She once was the governor of Alaska

Hate if you want, but I think a night with she who shall not be named would have you ready to shoot threes and moose and shit too.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other signs that a woman is the shit in the bedroom? Also, ladies, you don’t get to take the day off. Go ahead and list some signs that a man is good in bed. Y’all need to help us out so we can take notes and start pretending.

—The Champ