60 Days? Try 60 Seconds: Why Age Makes Us Easy

"Where were you when I was 19???" "In middle school."  "Oh. Nevermind, then."

“Where were you when I was 19???” “In middle school.” “Oh. Never mind, then.”

While on Gchat with Panama last Thursday, he showed me a couple sex-related quotes with considerable overlap that he was going to include in his Friday post. One had to do with the fact that the older you get, the “easier” it seems to have sex. The other was about the idea that those arbitrary 60 to 90 day waiting periods some women set on new potentials before considering sleeping with them are usually null and void if she likes you enough. Basically, be her Jay-Z.

I (obviously) agreed. In fact, I’d bet that if we polled all the 30+ men and women on VSB, most would agree that it’s substantially “easier” (more on why “easier” is in quotes a little later) to get someone you actually like in bed now than it was when you were 21. Ironically, for those who went to college, this theory still may hold true despite the fact that you might have literally lived within four blocks of thousands of eligible singles at that age.

Anyway, while I have no doubt that age makes us easy, I spent all weekend (and by “all weekend” I mean “the 240 seconds it takes me to drive from my house to Giant Eagle“) thinking about why. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

1. Sex Just Doesn’t Matter As Much

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Put down your pitchforks and rotten tomatoes. I don’t mean that age makes sex meaningless or unimportant or irrelevant or any other adjective you’d use to describe Swizz’s role in the Magna Carta Holy Grail spot. Sex is great and wonderful and magical and murderous and shit.

But, as a grown up, the actual act of having sex with a new person just doesn’t have the same gravity as it does when you were younger. As you get older, sex morphs from that THING that has a tendency to define a person’s social status and their entire perception of their own self-worth to a thing that people who like each other (or just happen to be drunk next to each other) do. Or don’t do.

And, when you remove all the social baggage—as age tends to do—getting some becomes less overwrought with metric tons of external and internet conflict and context and just, well, easier.

2. You’re Better At Vagina Vetting (and, um, Penis Protecting)

I imagine that most of you reading this have at least a few people in your dating histories that make you cringe, crack up, or cry (or all three) when thinking of them. These don’t even have to be people you dated seriously. Maybe it only lasted for one date, but you shake your head at the fact that you even accepted an invitation from that guy at the bus stop with the plait beads and the Coogi jumper who wrote your number down with a magic marker.

No one is above this. But, hopefully those types of stories happened more often when you were younger. As you get older, though, you (should) start to get more of a grasp on what you like and don’t like. Maybe you don’t have the exact answer yet, but the spectrum of what you’re willing to consider gets smaller and smaller each year.

As the spectrum shrinks, you’re less likely to interact with people you know you have absolutely no future with. Naturally, this makes you more likely to date people you actually like. And, if you’re spending more time around people you actually like, you’re probably more likely to like them enough to sleep with them. You’re not necessarily “easier,” just more thoughtful about dating people you could be easy with.

3. You Just Know More About The People You Consider Sleeping With

2007 was the last time I did a cold, context-free approach. I’ve met/approached numerous different women in that time period, in numerous different venues, and in numerous different manners. But, in each situation, there was some commonality. Maybe we were at a house party and shared friends. Perhaps we were at a happy hour and belonged to the same professional organization. And, maybe we knew who each other were before actually getting to know each other.

Point being, it’s extremely rare for me to meet someone new without any type of back story. And as I get older, it’s becoming rarer. (I am a pretty big deal and shit.)

Perhaps this doesn’t happen as much in cities with higher populations or with people who travel more often than I do, but I bet my experience is more the norm than the exception.

I’m bringing this up because this familiarity—even if it’s faint—causes us to relax ourselves a bit more than we would with someone completely new, and this relaxation tends to lead to quicker asswaxation. Maybe we don’t knowknow them yet, but we know where they work, know who’s in their circle, and know that we have 118 friends in common on Facebook.

And, like with all other things, context can be good (more informed choices about who we actually decide to date) and not so good (“I know I shouldn’t hit it raw, but she’s a lawyer and a Delta so we’re probably good.”)

4. You Give Less F*cks

And, when you give less f*cks, you do more f*cking!

5. The Power Shift

At the risk of offending 77.8% of the people reading this, I’ll keep this short. When younger, women (generally) wield most of the sexual/dating power. The first 21 or so years of most men’s life is a perpetual quest for “Yes.”

The power dynamic starts to shift as we get older, as (generally speaking) “committed relationship” replaces “sex” on the top of the “Thing Wanted More Than Anyone Wants Anything Else” list.

This change, um, changes things.

(And that’s all I’m going to say about that.)

.—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Danny Brown Got Head On Stage And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Chicks dig this guy.

Chicks dig this guy.

So a couple of weeks ago, indy-alt-ratchet rapper Danny Brown allegedly got some head from a which while he was performing in Minneapolis. Not only did he get head in the whip without crashing it on stage, he FINISHED his verse AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!

I don’t care who you are, that’s talent. I remember one time at band camp, I was performing Michael Jackson’s “Speed Demon” on stage and some chick yelled out “you suck” and I totally forgot the words and stood there doing the same ole two step while the instrumental played in the background. Totes embarassing.

Since I’m a dude, you’re a dude, she’s a dude, we’re some dudes my first thought was how crazy that is and also how cool that is. I mean, you can’t see that type of thing coming can you? No pun intended. But he’s just on stage doing his thing and some chick just can’t wait for the hotel room and not only grabs his crotch but yanks his chain and domes him off. That is some rock start sh*t.

But of cousre, I have the Internets. And the Internets told me that Danny Brown was sexually assaulted. Tour mate and friend Kitty Pryde penned (or typed since I don’t know if you can pen something if you don’t actually use a pen) a letter where she mentioned both Ricky Smiley and To Kill A Mockingbird within 200 words of each other. That, my friends, is a some amazing command of the written word. I remember once I used the words Barack Obama and new Bugatti pretty close to one another. That was a good day.

Champ wrote a post some time ago about a time when he got drunk and woke up to some sexxing that he didn’t even remember til the next day. He immediately felt like he got a happy ending while being able to realize that had something like that happened to a woman it’s rape, thru and thru. But for some reason, when situations like Danny Brown or a man waking up to some woman humping him to high hell just don’t seem…bad, per se. I realize this makes no sense. But I also realize that double standards exist.

Back in 2005, I was out in the mean streets of NYC with a gang of folks for New Year’s Eve. Long story short, a friend of mine pulled out my johnson at the bar. No dome, just freedom. Why she did it is unimportant because it happened. I was too drunk to immediately react but I’m fairly sure that had I just grabbed some woman’s boobs and pulled them out I’d potentially be on my way to jail. And that would be fair.

Kitty Pryde brings up a good point via her letter though. Men aren’t well equipped to handle these situations either. When my homegirl pulled out my wang, I just laughed it off and waited for her to return him to my Hammer pants. In school, and actually out and about, I’ve had women walk up to me and grab my wang. Never once did I feel compelled to say something to an authority. I guess it’s because I had no idea what to say. It happened and after the shock wore off – face it, we’re taught that women just aren’t generally that foreward – I just laugh it off and tell my boys that some chick grabbed my sh*t, to which they usually want to know which chick so hopefully she’ll do the same to them.

Men and women view sexual contact differently. It’s clear that the same interactions can elicit wholly different outcomes depending on who is doing the initial contact. Which is probably why Danny Brown wouldn’t punch the chick in the fore head when she domes him off. Can you imagine if Rihanna is on stage and some dude jumps up there and puts his mouth on her vajayjay? He’s going to jail, the concert is going to stop, and news media would explode from all of the articles about how dangerous men are getting and how prevalent rape culture is nowadays. This Danny Brown story barely got any traction anywhere outside of rap blogs. It doesn’t matter as much. It’s the same reason why people shrug off the idea that men can get raped.

Men are bigger and usually stronger – though Wendy Williams pisses all over that theory – so a man should be able to stop some sh*t from going down. If he doesn’t he must want it and since all men are all sex all the time its hard to fathom the idea of a man being sexually assaulted.

Was Danny Brown sexually assaulted? Yes he was. But do most of us view it along those lines? Hell does he? Probably not. And if you aren’t upset that you got assaulted, is it still assault?

Overall, I just find it curious that this happened, and even if it wasn’t to an A-list superstar artist, there’s really not much coverage of it all. I think we can all agree that male sexual assault isn’t getting as much face time, no pun intended, at the sex crime table. I wonder why that is?

Or do we all, men and women, truly subscribe to the boys will be boys mantra and as long as its happening to him and not by him then he’ll be alright? I don’t know.

But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t punch any chick in the forehead for doming me off on stage either.

Help me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T STAGE ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

How To Be Really, Really Good At Being A Black Man

Lemme learn y'all asses to something

Lemme learn y’all asses to something

We received a comment last week that basically said Black people in positions where they can help people often don’t do enough, and ended by urging Panama and I to do what we can to mentor aspiring bloggers.

Although I’m still not sure how I’d go about completing that task, I do want to lend a hand to help young people do what I do best: Be really, really good at being a Black man.

I don’t have all the answers for all the people out there who want to be really, really good at being a Black man, but I do have a few tips.

How To Walk

1. Whatever your normal walking speed is, decrease it by 40 percent. If it usually takes you 60 seconds to walk from your cubicle to the office bathroom, now do it in 84 seconds. Time yourself with a stopwatch if necessary.

2. While walking, slowly and subtly bob your head and shoulders from side to side to the rhythm of a chopped and screwed version of Issac Hayes’s Walk On By. If this doesn’t work, David Porter’s version of Hang On Sloopy will do.

How To Look While Walking

Make sure to always look either slightly amused or slightly irritated. This will remind onlookers that you have a big penis.

How To Drive

1. Lean far enough back in your seat that people waiting for buses have to tilt their necks to see your face, but not so far that you have to sit up every time you need you hit your turn signal.

2. Make sure to time your music so that your hardest sounding track just happens to come on right when you’re at a busy intersection. Slowly bob your head, look straight ahead, and pretend like you don’t care if people are looking at you.

3. Only drive cars featured in commercials narrated by a man’s voice.

How To Secure a Loan for $30,000

1. Find the nearest bank.

2. Rob it.

3. Return the next day with all of the money. This will build trust.

4. Do this two more times. After the third time, the bank manager will be so impressed by your magnanimousness that he’ll allow you to keep the money.

How To Have Sex

1. Get naked

2. After getting naked, pause to put on Timberlands and Ray-Bans.

3. Admire self in mirror.

4. Charge cell phone for 15 minutes while still admiring self in mirror.

5. While phone is charging, entertain woman by allowing her to do pull-ups and dips on penis.

6. After phone is charged, instruct woman to turn around.

7. Insert penis.

8. Start recording self

9. Say “Yeah” repeatedly to no one in particular, making sure your voice gets deeper each time.

10. Don’t forget to remember that woman is still there. Do this by asking her to say your name. Hearing your name will remind you that she is still there.

11. Dougie while climaxing.

How To Be Attractive To Black Women

1. If she happens to be dark-skinned, compliment her hair.

2. If she happens to be light-skinned, allude to her “realness” and her “commitment to the struggle.”

3. Ask her if she watched the Melissa Harris-Perry show last week. If she didn’t, she’ll think “Wow. This guy watches Melissa Harris-Perry, and I don’t.” This will arouse her. If she did, she’ll think “Wow. We can watch Melissa Harris-Perry together.” This will also arouse her.

4. Be tall

5. Don’t be short.

How To Grill A Bucket Of Jerk Chicken Wings

1. Have someone (preferably a woman) purchase a bucket of jerk chicken wings.

2. Place wings on grill.

3. Wear gloves for safety, and to safely smack anyone who dares near the wings before you’re done grilling.

4. Stare at jerk chicken wings like jerk chicken wings just told you a joke, and you’re trying not to laugh.

How To Let Everyone On A Packed Bus Know That Although You Gave Up Your Seat To An Attractive White Woman, Her Being An Attractive White Woman Had Nothing To Do With It

1. Give up said seat.

2. After giving up seat, she will thank you.

3. Nod your head, don’t speak, and walk to the back of the bus.

4. Remove copy of The Bluest Eye from your attache.

5. Begin reading while nodding head and taking notes.

How To Say “Word.”

1. Grow out facial hair.

2. When sufficient amount of facial hair has been grown, give self goatee.

3. Rub goatee with thumb and index finger.

4. Shake head slowly, and make face like you’re trying to remember if you need to buy a pack of bacon.

5. Say “Word.”

How To Remind People That Telling You “You kinda look like Stevie J” Isn’t Really A Compliment

1. Kinda look like Stevie J.

2. When people ask you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.”

How To Successfully Flirt With Cashiers At Rite-Aid

1. Kinda look like Stevie J.

2. When she asks you if anyone’s ever told you that you kinda look like Stevie J, lie and say “No.” When done lying, say “Why?”

3. When she tells you that you kinda look like Stevie J, say “Word?”

4. Tell her you want a wellness card. (Even better if you already have one.)

How To Be Humble

1. Give all praise to God. Or Allah. (Whichever floats your boat)

2. After done giving praise to God (or Allah), allow stripper to finish lap dance.

3. Don’t look like you’re enjoying it too much.

How To Be A Good Dad To Your Son If You’re Not With His Mom Anymore

1. Make son your Facebook profile pic.

2. Sporadically hang around and shit

2. Coach son’s Pee-Wee football team.

3. If son is good, stay in child’s life by continuing to coach.

4. If son sucks, stop coaching, but still hang around sporadically.

Hopefully, this helps. But, if anyone still needs more assistance on how to be really, really good at being a Black man, hit me up at contact@verysmartbrothas.com

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The Only Reason Why Relationship Advice Even Exists

black-man-whispering-woman-ears1

In less than a week, VSB will celebrate its 5th anniversary. As of today, we’ve published 1289 entries, and those entries have received 472,695 comments. And, between the comments, email, Formspring, Madame Noire, Twitter, Facebook, and people recognizing the shirt and chasing me down at bus stops, the number of dating/relationship-related questions I’ve been asked and answered numbers in the thousands.

That’s thousands of questions about men and money and sex and cohabitation and celibacy and intimidation and exes and dating and independence and texting and where to meet people and dating men with ashy elbows from thousands of different people. And, controlling for occasional outliers, I’d say that (at least) 75% of the women asking questions already know the answers before they even ask.

So, why do they continue to ask? Well, the most common question I receive—and the fact that this particular question happens to be the most common question—answers that question.

As I’ve stated numerous times before, I’m not a dating and relationship “expert.” My particular form of “expertise” is just me combining my experience, education, and observations to give the most practical and objective advice I possibly can. That being said, there is one particular sub-subject I—and many other men (and women)—do have a real expertise with:

Random Woman: “Is he into me?”

While it comes in various forms and is constructed various ways, this is the question I hear the most. Unfortunately, after they’ve asked the question, and have volunteered the background info I’ll ask for to give a better assessment, the answer usually is “Sorry, but probably not.” 

Anyone who’s ever been on the receiving end of a “Damn, I guess they don’t like me as much as I hoped” conversation or realization knows how it feels. And, knowing how it feels, giving that answer (usually) is not fun. It’s even less fun when realizing that they already knew the answer before asking.

This sounds delusional, which fits one of the most common stereotypes men have about women and relationships. But, delusion (usually) has nothing to do with it. It—and most of the rest of the questions I receive—is all about hope, hope that manifests in two separate ways:

1. “I know the answer already, but I hope someone agrees with me so I can be more sure about my decision.”

2. “I know the answer already—I can feel it in my gut—but I really don’t want to believe it. Maybe, hopefully he’ll tell me my gut is wrong.”

Much of the pushback people who dole out this type of advice receive is also related to the concept of hope. According to them, people (the advice givers) have positioned themselves to profit off of people’s (primarily women’s) hope by putting a tux and tails on common sense and calling it “genius.” While their concerns about the intelligence/independence level of the people asking questions—and the true motives and agendas of the advice givers—are warranted, this pushback has the tendency to minimize the fact that it’s easy to be objective when you’re not invested. Of course it’s easy to read an email or a tweet and deduce that person A doesn’t like person B as much as person B likes person A, and that person B is an idiot for even asking. But, when you’re person B—and, as mentioned earlier, we’ve all been person B at some time—it aint always as easy.

The variables constituting love and attraction are so intangible and so subjective that a level of hope is necessary to want, pursue, and maintain it. I mean, knowing how love has a tendency to completely and thoroughly f*ck us up, who in their right mind would even want that? Well, we do (Most of us do, anyway). As delusional and idiotic and nonsensical it seems, we hope it’ll be different for us. And, as long as that hope exists, relationship advice—an awkward way of finding some truth in a haystack of hope—will too.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Do Men Know Where They Measure Up?

Hi Damon,

It’s pretty easy it is for women to compare themselves to other women physically. Like “I have a bigger butt than her, she has bigger boobs than me etc.” But, it’s obviously more difficult for men. Do men want to know how they um, measure up? If so how they go about finding out?

Curious About Comparing

Dear Curious,

There are two possible answers to this question.

1. “No, we don’t care about that shit. What I look like giving a damn about what some other dude is working with. That’s kinda gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being kinda gay, but still kinda gay nonetheless. “

This is a lie.

2. “Yes, we do care.”

This is the truth.

Now, before I answer the second part of your question, I’m going to tell you a story a friend shared with me a few years ago. He happened to come across some porn when he was in his early teens, and this made him extremely self-conscious. Apparently, this was the only time he’d ever seen another penis besides his own before, and he didn’t realize that the foot-long men in adult videos are, um, outliers. Basically, he assumed that the average man had a “porn sized” penis. It wasn’t until he actually started having sex—and came across some research on private part size—that he realized he had nothing to be self-conscious about.

This story is an example of the awkward thought process regarding men, penis size, and how we measure up to other men. No one is actually supposed to admit to caring about it—and, unless you watch porn, you’re probably never going to see another erect penis beside your own—but men do care about it. Possessing the ability to please women sexually is a big deal to most men, and many of us feel that the bigger you are, the more enjoyment women will have while sleeping with you.

There are numerous socialization-related reasons why males grow up feeling this way—Adult Videos, knowing that bigger/taller men are more attractive to women, Missy Elliot and Trina songs, etc—and it’s not until men get a little older that we start to realize that while size matters, it’s not everything. Sure, there are a small percentage of women who need enormous penises to satisfy them. But, for most, while a workable size still is necessary, things like rhythm and stamina and the ability to stay completely erect matter just as much.

Anyway, as far as how to find out how we “measure up,” there are a few ways to do this. Since, as you mentioned in your question, men can’t just look at another man the same way a woman can see another woman’s breasts or butt, none of these methods are full-proof. But, they’re all we have.

You can read more at Madame Noire