Tag Archives: sex

Double Up: Five Really Cool Reasons To Wear A Condom

Posted on by
240

See how cute they look? They're precious and sh*t.

Something dawned on me while reading the comments to yesterday’s post. Wearing some sort of protection while having sex has always been sold as the right and the smart and the healthy thing to do, and this pitch is usually accompanied with all the horrible things that can possibly happen to you — STDs, pregnancy, pulled pork vaginas, etc — to scare people into doing it. And, while fear is definitely a great motivator (perhaps our greatest motivator), how fun is it do to something just because you’re worried about what would happen if you didn’t? (At this point, feel free to insert whatever analogy you want to about religion.)

No object better embodies this feeling than the condom, which is either thought of as (at best) a necessarily evil or (at worst) just plain motherf*cking evil. With this in mind, I decided to devote today to a few cool reasons for guys to strap up.

1. Less sensitivity = Longer sessions

No one will argue that sex with a condom feels better than condom-less sex, but you could make the argument that wearing a condom can actually produce better sex. I’d estimate that wearing one increases your PPS count (PPS = Pumps Per Session) count by 30%. Basically, if you’re a guy who can typically give 40-60 good pumps before succumbing to the vagina monster, with a condom that number jumps to 52-78 pumps. That little jump right there can be the difference between a woman wanting to cuddle and talk and sh*t to you afterwards and her catching a case of PBBSN (PBBSN = Post-Back Breaking Sudden Narcolepsy) and just falling the hell out.

2. It’s much easier to fake it

Sh*t happens sometimes.

3. No clean up

Easily the worst part of sex, the always messy, always sticky post-coital clean up is — according to the Mormons — God’s way of shaming us for not ejaculating inside of a woman. Now, was that last sentence actually true? Who knows and who cares? I do know, though, that if you don’t have enough game to convince her to perform the neatest option (swallowing), a condom is the next best choice.

4. Worry-less sex

While raw sex is great, you can never allow yourself to fully commit mentally because, from “I hope I pull out in time” to “Wait, did I pull out in time?” you have too much else on your mind. Condoms allow you to go full sexual retard.

5. Buying them makes you feel like a grown-ass man

Along with paying your bills, buying produce, and checking Facebook and seeing that your high school prom date has just welcomed her second grandchild, walking in a store and buying condoms is one of those tasks that just makes you feel like a grown-ass man. Also, for those who feel a little awkward about the look the cashier might give you when you’re at the register, just remember that you’re basically announcing “Yup, dry-d*ck motherf*ckers, I’m about to get some. How do you like those apples?” to everybody in line.

Anyway, that’s it for me today. People of VSB, condoms need some better PR, so can you think of any other really cool reasons why we should wear them?

—The Champ

F*ck It, It Was My Birthday Anyway

Posted on by
254

Gotcha, b*tch!!! Happy birthday!

One of the more famous and oft-quoted skits in the reading ninja community is track 6 off of André 3000 from Outkast’s The Love Below album. The skit is entitled “Where Are My Panties?” No need to link it or quote the whole thing because if you don’t know it, I feel sorry for your mother. Or mudda.

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve personally told, “ooooh, I just wanna lay in yo’ haaaaaaaaaiyah.” In fact, I’m sure that skit did more for women with natural hair than TCB, white men, and Angela Davis combined. Now, the most intriguing part of it was when the chick says the famous lines:

“He gon’ think I’m a ho. F*ck that, I liked it. I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway. Maybe I should just lay here and let him touch my booty.”

While I’m sure that nearly every woman has had a “where are my panties?” moment (and trust me ladies, most of us guys wake up wondering where your panties are too…sooner we find them, sooner you go home), I wonder how many have been as a result of some chick really being on some, “f*ck it’s my birthday…” steez.

Basically, how many of you dames out there really invoke the “Anything Goes On My Birthday” mantra to excuse doing something that you probably shouldn’t have not had done? I’m really curious about this because I can’t exactly imagine a non-effeminate straight dude making such a proclomation and getting away with it at all. I’m guessing most guys ain’t trying to rationalize it so much as just hoping nothing bad comes from it. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it one time: the greatest victory is waking up after a drunken one night stand to a ripped open condom wrapper on the floor. That’s when you hit the *Giada de Laurentiis tiny fist hand clap* and the *Tiger Woods fist pump* in succession. My brothas out there know what I’m talking about. Not that I’d know from firsthand experience or anything.

Granted, any and all of this requires you to actually tell somebody else what you did and then following it up with the birthday rationalization and that might make the whole thing moot.

Luckily, here at VSB most of us don’t really know eachother so letting the beans spill ain’t no Biggie. Shyne.

But that makes me wonder what are valid “it was my birthday” rationalizations. Here’s my guess-list.

1. Smanging a dolphin an ex

I imagine that more women get them some comfort wang during birthday week than any other week of the year, assuming she’s single. Also, do any men actually take more than the day to celebrate their birthday? Like a birthday week? A weekend might be okay, but a dude celebrating a week or month? Diva dude with a**north tendencies.

2. Making out with a chick

We’ve covered to various degree random chick hookups and I’m too lazy to go back and find them but I can see a chick being like “hey, it’s my birthday…yay…come here Maria!!! *tongue down*”

3. Totally losing their sh*t behind somebody not going with the plan

Mi hombres? We’ll usually be like “f*ck it, let him roll” but I think women get extra emotional points to use on the America Express during their birthday shenanigans so if somebody doesn’t go along to get along, women can act out. I’m only saying this because I’ve seent it with my own to eyes followed by, “that b*tch knows its my birthday. She better come correct.”

4. Extreme indulgence

Chocolate. Clothing. Shoes. Staples. Pencil lead. Coffee mug. Telephones.

Brick Tamland: I love…carpet. I love…desk.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.

Ahem.

I’ve seen women splurge on things with the passion of Mel Gibson on their birthdays. And there really ain’t nothing you can say to ‘em. Everybody deserves to be spoilted I suppose.

5. Feeling up Panama Jackson in the club 

This almost never happens.

So ladies, do you live by that mantra? And if so, what exactly constitutes something you can get away with because it’s your birthday? To the homeys out there, have you ever tried to invoke such a rule? And how’d that go? Have you ever been apart of some woman’s birthday shenanigans?

Talk to me. Petey.

It’s Friday, people. I came to bring the pain.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka DUSTY VAUGHAN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Killer P: Signs That She’ll Probably Put It On You

Posted on by
449

"Sure babe. I'll steal that necklace from my aunt. Just show me your high school track highlight tape again"

Problem: Queasiness

You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.

The paragraph above is from “Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them).” And, although the title is a bit misleading — when I saw “Five Moves…” I thought the article would be about actual bad sexual “moves” like “When she’s about to climax, it’s probably not the best idea to grin and pinch your own nipples” — it does offer some sound advice. I assume most women would agree that an easily queasy man is a big turnoff, and it’s not hard to see how a man possessing a few of the other traits listed — indecisiveness, being too fidgety, etc — might tell a woman that he sucks in the sack.

I was originally tempted to write a response titled “Signs That She’s Bad in Bed,” but since I could only think of two (“Her breath stinks” and “She’s a Delta”) I’ve decided to go in another direction, compiling the decades worth of notes from my own experiences as well as my friend’s, and list a few signs that she just might put it on you.

She really, really, really enjoys food

Women who seem to genuinely enjoy the entire food eating process — and you can usually tell these women because they’ll go through mini-orgasms when eating and even talking about their favorite foods — also seem to enjoy the entire sex having process just as much. I don’t know where the correlation is, but my guess is that some women just really like for things to be in their mouths.

She was/is an athlete

Every guy who’s ever dated a former high school or college athlete is nodding his head in solemn agreement and x-ing out this window to scour Facebook and see exactly what the members of the college track team are doing with their lives right now

Men approach her all of the gotdamn time

Now, I’m not talking about random street catcalls or direct messages on Twitter, but women who always seem to get approached by men are usually so popular because they’re subconsciously putting off an “I will curl your toes like fried shrimp” signal.

She doesn’t really sweat things (or people)…ever

As one of my college teammates once told me, “If she’s anal, she won’t do anal.” Now, does it matter that this is the same teammate who eventually got kicked off the team for stealing shower curtains from TJMaxx? I don’t think so.

She once was the governor of Alaska

Hate if you want, but I think a night with she who shall not be named would have you ready to shoot threes and moose and shit too.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other signs that a woman is the shit in the bedroom? Also, ladies, you don’t get to take the day off. Go ahead and list some signs that a man is good in bed. Y’all need to help us out so we can take notes and start pretending.

—The Champ

Is Your Sex Worth It?

Posted on by
270

Look at her Jean-Jacque. It's cheaper to keep her AND smang her. Hit her off a couple times and save $12K. It doesn't even have to be good!

We live in an odd world with an odd future. Wolf gang kill them all. Hell, Lil Wayne, an artist that for all intents and purposes is on that Mary J Blige Art plan – you know, needs to be high to produce quality art – just sold a million copies of an album in his first week. For the second time. This in a time when Kanye West and Jay-Z, two of the biggest hip-hop artists, combined project has yet to crack the million sales mark after being on the charts for three weeks.

And yes, I realize that the terms quality and Lil Wayne go together as well as hot and fat chicks, but to each his own and like it or not, Lil Wayne is prone to flashes of brilliance. By the way, I’m totally losing my point.

Ah yes, my point. So we live in an odd world. And in just in case you aren’t sure, our good friends, the Frenchpeople, have decided to make some revolutionary moves in the realm of marriage and divorce. You see, a Frenchman was recently fined and ordered to pay his ex-wife damages…

…for lack of sex in their marriage. Maywage, that bwessed instution.

Basically, buddy didn’t live up to his required duties as a husband in the bedroom and wasn’t laying the wang down enough. And you know what…he had to pay what he owed.

To wit:

The 51-year-old man was fined under article 215 of France’s civil code, which states married couples must agree to a “shared communal life”.

A judge has now ruled that this law implies that “sexual relations must form part of a marriage”.

The rare legal decision came after the wife filed for divorce two years ago, blaming the break-up on her husband’s lack of activity in the bedroom.

A judge in Nice, southern France, then granted the divorce and ruled the husband named only as Jean-Louis B. was solely responsible for the split.

But the 47-year-old ex-wife then took him back to court demanding 10,000 euros in compensation for “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage”.

Those damn French. I tell you. I like their style. While I’m not sure I agree on having to pay a fine for not giving up the goods in the bedroom I do find it somewhat comical that a judge actually granted a divorce on the grounds of, well, no sex. Then again, those would irreconcilable differences like a motherf*cker. Especially after 21 years of marriage. Can you imagine being married to somebody for that long and having the wackest bedroom booty life ever?

Which begs the question, let’s say that over here, in America, you could be compensated for this malady in your marriage as part of the divorce proceedings. Just how in the f*ck do you come up with a reasonable fine for not giving up the goods? Is there some mathematical formula for just how many sexual encounters you SHOULD have had under reasonable circumstances, weighted for how many children you have, and a monetary value is assigned to each boink? What’s a reasonable amount of money to assign per smang? Fifty bucks? One hundred? Do they take into account inflation? What about the lagging economy? What about potential stressors due to job insecurity? What if your wife makes you watch stuff like “Say Yes To The Dress?” I mean that would limp me up right quick. Jeers to the freakin’ weekend, I can’t smang to that.

Here’s a better question, do you think people would be more inclined to indulge their partners in sexcapades if you knew you’d have to pay what you owed (like Santa) if you didn’t? With the exchange rate, dude got fined nearly $12,000 dollars for not smanging down his wife enough over the past 21 years. Do you know how much cut-up I could get for $12K??

I’m ’bout dat life. I remember reading something about some pastor attempting to require his congregants to engage in some form of sex for 30 days straight in an attempt to bring that necessary intimacy back into people’s lives. I think it’s very necessary. The point where you no longer want to touch your partner is obviously the beginning of the end. And it becomes sooo easy to just not do anything. That one day turns into two days turns into a month turns into a year and next thing you know you’ve had sex three times in the past five years and get your rocks off to the Bang Bro’s catalog and Vogue magazine.

You know what the f*ck sh*t is? This woman wanted to smang her husband and he cold shouldered her. Now, conventional wisdom tells us that dude was probably cheating. But don’t most men do that because they’re not getting it at home? And yet we seem to have a wife here who wanted to do her husband and he was blowing her off. No pun intended. That sucks. Again, no pun intended. She was SO offput that she filed a motherf*cking suit around it? Do you know how pissed off you have to make somebody for them to find THIS legal loophole? Like that’s just sticking it to the man.

Seriously, I’m not trying to pun it up. It just comes so easy.

Sorry.

I’ll tell you what, if my wife (assuming I ever get me one) tries to divorce me she’ll have to die because she ain’t gettin’ half OJ SIMPSON it won’t be for lack of smanging. Not if I’ll have to pay. She’ll get that opportunity every day and I’ll document it.

For the record ladies, you hold out on the PJ Smang and you’re getting hit up for WAY more than $12k. My smangage over 21 years is gonna run you a cool million. Bet that.

What do y’all think? Do the French have it right? Should  there be some sort of financial penalty for withholding sex from  your spouse? Should sex be legally constituted to be part of the institution of marriage in a legally binding fashion?

And what’s your going rate? No streetwalker.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3 IN THEORY BUT I HEARD FROM ASHENKASHAY YOU GOT TO CARRY THE 1

Is Lil Wayne Actually Teaching Us How To Love?

Posted on by
554


2118241158 by yardie4lifever2

For the second time in as many months a video of a song has completely changed my perception of a song.

Enter Lil Wayne’s “How To Love”.

On Wednesday, Lil Wayne premiered his video for the song “How To Love”…a song that I’m not sure I could have hated any more than I did on that Tuesday. However, I sauntered on over to The Smoking Section and saw the video and a short write up that caught my attention. What I saw next blew my mind. Somehow, Lil Wayne managed to turn a terrible song into a video that very accurately (at least we assume) described what happens when a young woman is robbed of choices in life by never being shown how to receive and/or give love by the very people who are supposed to instill that into her: her parents. Or lack thereof.

And yes, this entire post needs a spoiler alert.

We’re treated to the entire lifespan of a child who turns into a girl who turns into a woman searching for love or something and constantly finding some semblance of it in all the wrong places. Which, let’s be real, is the crux of the whole single black woman trance and fascination that has taken over America. Nearly every story that we get from women revolves around some bad choices. Of course, those bad choices were crafted well before the young woman even knew she’d be in a position to make them because she never learned…how to love. In this video, the girl’s entire life was filled with a mother spending her time dealing with no good men because she just…didn’t know how not to.

But in a twist, Lil Wayne’s video (complete with the most unnecessary Birdman cameo ever) ALSO show’s what happens when that same little girl’s mother makes a decision to remove herself from a bad situation and somehow ends up married (okay, it can’t ALL be realistic…we know Black women ain’t getting married…ants have a better chance of beating magnifiying glass sunrays than Black women have of getting married…viva Aleutians) to a man and is then able to teach her young and impressionable daughter…how to love.

How to love.

That’s such an interesting concept to me. The truth is, it’s one of the most vital components to any of our lives. Without a paradigm on how to show affection and express love, its virtually impossible to know what constitutes actual caring. So many women and men spend their lives running after some elusive version of what love and happiness looks like, without even realizing that it actually is. You can blame some of the media for that but at the end of the day, even the richest of the rich struggles with sharing. Just being there for somebody everyday can set a positive trend.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how I’d rather be a father than a husband. And while everything I said is true, I do have one regret about my situation with my daughter’s mother and I. In this video, at the 4:08 mark, when the mother and her new husband are getting married, they cut to the little girl watching her mother kiss her new step-daddy. Something about that look, and her seeing what that type of love and affection looked like shook me. I will always regret that decisions I made robbed my daughter of witnessing her mother and father showing each other the kind of love that I hope she is able to find. Granted, her mother and I get along and are respectful and spend time together so that she can see her parents together. But that scene…hurt.

Guilt might be too strong a word, but I’m scared for my daughter and that’s because I’ve seen how many women (even on this site) struggle with love and what it looks like and means. I want her to be able to see real affection. I want her to see somebody love her mother so that she can see it in her household. I’d hate for that to be a foreign concept to her when she’s 22 years old like it seems it is for so many women out there.

But that’s my burden.

What this video illustrates is how choices affect your future. Especially when you have a child. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and children are the living and breathing manifestation of this fact. Just as you get to correct your own mistakes through your children, all of your faults get magnified when they go unaddressed.

Hyperbolic as it may seem, in this video, the choice to leave a bad situation with a bad man resulted in a better life for her daughter. The way these two story arcs are illustrated and how vastly different the end results can be is very…deep. Especially given that according to the director, Chris Robinson, Lil Wayne came up with the entire story line.

The fact that the video touched on promiscuity and HIV (yes, Lil Wayne worked in social issues) is almost as dumbfounding as the original song. But here we go again with another video that’s way better than the song. But in this case I’ll take it. Maybe it just hits close to home. Me no know.

All I do know is that, video or not, learning how to love is actually probably the single most important facet in the life of a child. Knowing that love exists and what it looks like can actually be the difference in the choices a child makes, especially a girl as she grows into a woman (not sure if that sounds sexist or not, but so be it).

Anyway, a Lil Wayne video actually made me think. Go figure. What about you?

Did you see the video and if so, what were your thoughts? And on a larger scale, (I know we touched on this a few weeks back with my post) but just how important is learning how to love to individual growth and success in relationships?

Is it possible that Lil Wayne ACTUALLY provided a significant cultural talking point in Black love?

Somebody call Will and Jada.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3