Tag Archives: sex tape

fast forward: the most disturbing leaked celebrity sex tapes possible

Posted on by
186
eclipse deez

as news continued to break last week about professional fembot kendra wilkinson’s seemingly perpetual supply of leaked sex tapes, three things came to mind:

1. obviously she didn’t read #2 on the vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape, which explicity states:

“over 92% of amateur sex videos are made with cell phone camcorders, which explains how these things seem to leak out so frequently. because of this, you should probably make sure your face is somewhat obscured.

while this can be accomplished with creative positioning, personally, i prefer to just rock twin zorro masks.”

2. you know the leaked pseudo-celebrity sex tape game is over saturated when a commercial featuring rapping hamsters is more talked about, ground-breaking, and, for some, arousing than a vid featuring a former playboy playmate. i’m more enthused to see the human centipede trailer again than i am to watch this tape

3. which celebrity coupling would make the most disturbing celebrity sex tape possible.

espn columnist bill simmons tweeted his choice (author helen thomas and oakland raiders owner al davis), but since they’re not actually a couple, a leaked sex tape between helen thomas and al davis would be as implausible as a leaked sex tape between al davis and helen thomas. so, with the couple caveat (the acting parties need to actually be in a relationship with each other, or, at least rumored to have been in a relationship with each other) in play, who actually makes the cut?

***btw, in this instance “most disturbing” means whatever you want it to***

delonte west and gloria james

i know, i know, i know, i know. no one actually “confirmed” they were in a relationship other than an off-brand radio report and a piece in the huffington post from a man who allegedly raped five of his own daughters.

but, when you combine aesthetics (gloria james looks exactly like her son and delonte west, is, well, delonte west), sports impact (a tape would give confirmation to the rumor that the west/james relationship hurt lebron’s play and effectively ended the cavs season and lebron’s cavs career, possibly changing the course of nba basketball for the next 10 years), financial impact (put it this way: if the “lebron factor” could possibly generate up to 3 billion dollars for the city of chicago if he decides to play there, imagine how much cleveland would lose if he left), abject weirdness, ho-yay undertones (i mentioned that gloria james looks exactly like lebron already, right?), and unprecedentedness (lets just say that this is the first time ive heard the whole mother of a megastar sleeping with the 7th man thing) they belong on the list just for disturbing and destructive potential.

robert pattinson and kristen stewart

just because they both scare the f*ck out of me. plus, i don’t know if america is ready for the number of 8 to 18 year old white girls who’d spontaneously combust if they found out that edward cullen isn’t a virgin

lisaraye mccoy-misick-misick-mcduck and al sharpton

quick story: my freshman year, a few teammates and i caught the train downtown to go see the premiere of the players club. if you recall, in-between the surprisingly gratuitous monica calhoun booty shots, there was actually a script, a few scenes, and a plot. one of these scenes showed diamond (lisaraye) get teased in class by a couple college classmates who knew about her extra-curricular activities. as soon as the scene ended, we overheard one of the women behind us say “see, thats why i hate college-ass n*ggas” to her girlfriends. the girlfriends laughed and co-signed. we drank our raspberry slushes in silence and continued to be completely mesmerized and frightened by ronnie.

i’m aware that this story has absolutely nothing to do with today’s subject, and i apologize for that. i just needed to write something to try to get the image of lisaraye and reverend al making the beast with two backs out of my head.

it didn’t work.

anyway, i’m sure i’m missing a few. can anybody think of any other real or rumored celebrity coupling that could make the disturbing as hell cut?

the carpet is yours.

—the champ

the vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape

Posted on by
190

kim_kardashian

although actually watching them was like watching paint f*ck, kim kardashian and ray j are concrete proof that a sex tape can benefit both parties. slutty celeb ambition aside, a properly made video recording of you and your lover’s most intimate moments can be a private, visual confirmation of your mutual love and affection, a relevant boon in moments of libido recession, or an audition tape to host 106 and Park.

while i’m assuming most of us haven’t actually recorded ourselves, i’m 100 percent sure everyone has thought about it at least once. with this in mind, the champ has decided to bring you ten vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape. take notes. Continue reading →

It’s Just Me And Your Umbrella of Love.

Posted on by
307
nsfw_brown

Last week (and apparently entering into this week) was a good time for mankind.

Cassie has flown like an eagle, Rihanna’s come out of rehab, and now Hoopz is playing with balls and letting the world watch the game.

Yay, Internets.

By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about then you must somehow avoid all internet contact at all times – amazing considering you’re reading this right now.

Those pics and now Hoopz video clip have seen more hits than Rihanna Tina Turner a punching bag.

(And no, I’m not providing links to any of those pictures or video. This site is PG. Google is your friend.)

Now as a red-blooded male, I’m more than appreciative of full on female nudity in any form. I mean, the whole point of male existence – in a nutshell – is to procure female nudity. It’s necessary for the survival of the species. It’s even better when its women whose buckeynekkidness you’ve actually pondered. And who hasn’t wanted to get under Rihanna’s umbrella –ella-ella aye aye aye.

Man that is one outdated joke. Aye carumba.

Well the leaking of said nudey pics and the apparent broken dam of celebt*tty pictures that are more than likely to venture our way got me to thinking about something very pontificatious. You see, despite my love for the female form, there are actually women I have no desire to ever see in the buff.

Like ever.

Forever ever??

Forever ever.

And who might the mighty-ighty-ighty P not want to see au naturale??

Thought you’d never ask.

Beyonce – Sure she’s hot as South Hades, but truthfully, she’s not even all that sexxy to me, unless she’s soaking wet. I’ve long contended that wet women look way better than dry women (and take that as you want – heh heh heh). And God forbid a chex tap were to surface. You know what that would mean, right? It would be her and JayZ. I don’t ever want to see Bey and Jay bumpin’ literal uglies. Plus, what do you think: just how boring would that tape be anyway? She seems like a robot and he’s just getting more obnoxiously detached. It could be the actual definition video of “watching paint dry.”

Kelis – I know she has a tape out there (poor Nas – first Carmen, now Kelis) floating and what not but I’ve just never found her to be attractive. At all. She also seems to have that Mariah problem where she has to stand certain ways in videos to craft the illusion of derrierosity. Put it this way, if she’s got milkshakes, I’ll just take a Sprite.

Lil Kim – I’m almost afraid to see this. In fact, I’ll assume Lil Kim is to me what Michael Jackson is to most women – ^%$%&^#^*#(*&*)$#$. Yeah, whatever that means to you, that’s what Lil Kim is to me. Yech.

Wendy Williams/Wanda Sykes/Star Jones – They’re pretty much the same behemoth unattractive wildebeast to me and at the zoo you can’t touch the animals. You’re also not supposed to take pictures of certain animals as it may excite and agitate them. That’s how I view them – the kind of animals you just shouldn’t take certain pictures of.

Oprah Winfrey – Steadman doesn’t even want to see her nude so you KNOW Panama doesn’t.

Whoopi Goldberg – I’m just not into eyebrowless pr0n, ya know?

I know I’m gonna catch flak for this but…

Michelle Obama – I don’t care what you say, she’s not hot. Nice rump, but I have NO desire to ever see her Presidential tail. Plus, it might singlehandedly set back Black people 2000 years. Hell, it too 2009 years post Hayseuss to see a Black man get inaugurated, the LAST thing we’d need is a scandal showing Michelle Obama in dirty pics with the pool boy because Obama was on TV making ANOTHER damn speech. That’s my new campaign: Keep The Presidential Knockers Under Wraps.

That’s a mere smattering of women I’d never want to see in the buff – ever. Good people of VSB, who would you (male or female) never want to see a la mode??

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD 3