Now watch me yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullll....crank dat soulja boy all up on dat azz if you say that again, buddy boy.

As is my usual morning routine I generally turn on Hot 99.5′s Kane Show featuring Sarah, Sammy, and Kane. This morning in particular I caught the tail end of a conversation they were having about jokes you never make towards women for fear of feeling the wrath of Khan Satan estrogen L’Oreal boobs. I wish I’d heard the rest of the conversation because I was only able to guess about which things that you should never joke with a woman. Plus, Sarah was livid about something and I haven’t the foggiest what it was about. This is what happens when you’re required to listen to the song “Rio” (sung by Esther Dean who sounds remarkably like Rihanna on this song) from the Rio soundtrack every morning, multiple times as you take your descendant to school. Good movie though.

Now, you’d think I’d be an expert in this area seeing as how I’ve pissed of many a woman in my day. It’s a talent really. One in which I not only excel, but practice with tremendous aplomb. I’m a practitioner, gentleman, and a scholar. But I am through with being a player and a baller.

And given that women are just so goshdarn sensitive, well you know how many of my conversations turn out. Also, I apparently got it natural. Sometimes I just outright guffaw at the things I’ve heard my father say. Outright I tell ya. Outright.

Well I figured that I’d go ahead and take a stab at the things you never ever joke with a woman about…ever. Even though I’m fairly certain I will do some of (if not all of) these things within the next 24 hours. Hey, you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, right?

Get it? Eggs? Because women have…

*rimshot*

No?

Moving on.

1. Being a golddigger

I blame Beyonce for this really. Ever since Destiny’s Child came up with the theme song for independent women (I hightly doubt women were listening to Webbie as close, though I have been surprised), women have been on an ovaried rampage to claim that they don’t need a man for sh*t. Fair enough. So even jokingly mentioning the fact that a woman is just a golddigger will usually fall flatter than some A-cups. Get it? Flat drinks? A-cups. Word to Wale. Funny enough, those same women will look at you sideways for wanting to take them to TGI Tuesday’s on a first date AND going dutch on the check. I’m not saying she’s a golddigger…I’m just saying. Hard to expect the red carpet to be rolled out for you every time and not have a dude look at you like the deposit slot on an ATM. Technically, that could be a pun. Pun.

2. Being…bigger

I DIDN’T SAY FAT!!!!! Don’t throw tomatoes at me, Heinz. I’ve never done this but I’ve seen this one go teeeeerrible. Thanks to a rather uncouth family member who jokingly asked another family member if she was pregnant. Words were exchanged. Bottles were broken. And I think Brick killed a guy (seriously, does that ever get old?). Point is, women tend to be extremely sensitive about their weight either due to its presence or lack thereof. What I find most funny is how many itty bitty women swear they have some level of thickness. Anywhere. If you had an ass, you’d know. Because a man would tell you. Trust me. I suppose its kind of like a lightskint person saying that they are darker than another lightskint person. Those without always claim to be with. And those with swear they are without. I’m sure that’s in the Bible somewhere. It’s also the reason you get women who are size 26s attempting to wear size 4 shirts. The glory? Mine eyes haven’t seent it. Yes laaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaawd. Or no.

3. Being an…unmotivated cooker

Just…never ever say this: “This meal is terrible… it tastes like roasted dog asshole. I asked myself, ‘Who would slow roast a dog’s asshole and feed it to me?’ You would.” It can’t possibly go well. Especially fi she’s Black.

3A. Not being as motivated a cook as, say, his mama

Joke or not, that ALSO will not go well and will likely be followed by, “well f*ck you then n*gga. Go and have your mother cook for your triflin’ mama’s boy a**. I’m horny and my hormones are raging and I don’t wanna hear about no gotdamn peas.”

4. Driving

*GENERALIZATION ALERT* All women think they are good drivers. A vast majority probably are. I just tend to have these conversations with the ones who aren’t. But try to tell a chick that she can’t drive and you’ll be met with more attitude than a Comcast customer service rep on a Saturday afternoon when all you’re trying to do is turn in your non-working-arse cable box. Here’s a theory: all women do not have cars with scratches and dents; but if you see a car with a lot of scratches and dents, it likely belongs to a woman. Yeah. I said it. And I ain’t joking. Who the f*ck want WHAT!

5. To Calm Down

It’s probably not a joke and its probably a better idea to not tell her that anyway…even if she needs to calm down. It just never goes well. Women don’t like being told what to do until they ask you to make all of the decisions. As long as they ask you to tell them what to do its okay. This makes sense. Apparently. Don’t question it. Accept it.

There you have it. Those are a few guesses that I have. But the floor is open for more. And yes, there’s a whole slew of things that you don’t joke with a man about. And it’s probably an easy list to create. Perhaps I will if it doesn’t happen in the comments.

So what are things that men should never joke with women about?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NOT KEVIN HART CUZ I’M TALLER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3